they say when it rains
God is crying
i find it beautiful
water trickling down
my window pane
accentuating the
angels’ disdain
a world with no
remorse
heartless to God’s
pain
i understand
even God needs
to release
for how can you
be happy
if your emotions
aren’t freed?

my chest no longer feels heavy
the weight of the world has left me
i have surrounded myself with love
the fearfulness has fled my body
everything the angels have taught me
i now understand and put them to use
overcoming traumatic abuse
with the help of those who care
the rain kisses my chocolate hair
i am a being of nature
at one with the earth
love is not to be searched for
it is constantly growing within you
love is an ocean coming in waves
that is why it doesn’t always stay
anything i put my mind into
i will accomplish and stay true
to myself, and even though
bad times will come again
i am a hydrangea
able to persevere.

my father raised me then left
leaving me to live off family and friends
i had never asked for too much
until i realized i didn’t have enough
poverty opened my eyes
my mother putting away the shoes i couldn’t buy
learning to speak i could not shut my mouth
yet learning to listen everyone’s words seemed loud
hidden meanings so abstract
no means no, my aunt taught me
she also taught me don’t throw a fit
so when a boy touched me without permission
i didn’t know what to do but stay quiet
i didn’t say no and i didn’t say yes
maybe i shouldn’t have worn that dress
how was i supposed to know he would harm me
my family trusted him, they know best
and the one i trusted said it was my fault
so i continued to lie to everyone
including myself, all along
what will they say
what will they think
my mother and father
my brothers and sisters
i don’t know how to explain all the melancholy i come with
from that one regretful day leaving me ashamed and alone on the pavement.

i don't need anyone by my side
as long as God is here
there is no one to betray me or make me cry
i am one with nature
i am my peace on earth
although it took time,
i created a paradise in my mind
obstacles no longer phase me
hardships no longer occur daily
when i know the archangels love me
i speak these truths into the universe
the sky's now heavenly shades
repeat my spoken verse
love is God
God is within me
i am no longer lost
i am saved
freed from the shackles of expectation
my spirit nurtured by the cherubim.

there are many others in the world
where is the one i get to share my life with?
to tell me "you are beautiful",
beautiful like the light reflecting through my mirror
elluding rainbows on my cieling,
beautiful like the warmth from the sun
tickling my arms on a vibrant day.
i want them to tell me they are complete
without me,
but life without me is desolate and affects their
being.
succumb to my desires, lover
caress my caged heart,
undress my soul and i will
reveal to you my most hidden parts.
tell me there is nowhere you'd rather be than
right here beside me.
tell me i make your heart race
at the thought of being in my embrace
call me your angel
for i will guard your heart
and cherish your existence
tell me the truth,
yet never hurt me
many others have made me weep
don't be the next to flee
there are many others in the world,
but i crave only one.
if my desire remains unfulfilled,
no worries there are better things to come.
because what can someone do
that i cannot do for myself?
i can choose to be as fragile as a lamb,
or as strong as a lion,
but one thing i won't choose is to
disregard who i am.

she spreads her legs with a look of lust in her eyes,

i pull her close and whisper obscenities while caressing her thighs.

she grips my forearm so tight

i wonder if she notices she is so beautiful under this moonlight.

so quick to kiss and bruise

these blurred images replay throughout my mind in passion-red hues.

she caresses my heart causing me to shudder with arousal

although everything seems so obvious and rushed,

she is still able to remain calm and casual.

the way her hair feels in the grip of my clenching fist,

my mind will cease to never resist.

she follows my lead with grace and submission,

her hands so delicate, played me like a musician.

i hold her body like I never want to let go,

for being without would cause great woe.

love is easy to find when you open your heart
expand your mind and listen to the universe,
i hear the angels whispering
but what do they mean?
if i open my heart and allow love in me
how will i know it won’t wither or flee?
i can’t see the future
but i can predict my love’s nature
karma is my best friend
every dilemma endured comes to an end
whether i deserve it or not
love will flourish, not rot
i do not have to be good
but to live righteously, i should
to be kind and in love
is to trust karma and what i am deserving of
i give myself to nature in my most natural form
and the universe will bring back my soul adorned
in the gentle hands of the cherubim
i see my astral form sung through hymns
mantras of profound action in change
i trust my inner wisdom
never fearsome in this eternal blossom
i understand my purpose on earth
there is none but to overcome hurt
if you are courageous, you are alive
to live in love is to survive
to let go of trauma is difficult
but i promise letting go is pinnacle
when your main goal is to attain happiness
doing and feeling without always having to understand
is living without fear of your conscience
and living with trust in God’s plan

don’t be ashamed of who you are
we’ve made it so far
life is always going to be hard
and that’s the best part
the people we grow close with
are all going through a lot of ****
you’re never alone
when you meet people who feel like home
so why be afraid of the bonds we create?
real love lasts and life is fast
tell them you love them
enjoy every moment spent
because you may never see them again.

as i wake,
shame embodies me
my heart is still
my breaths are slow
contemplating what no one knows
should i stay or should i go?
i have caused enough harm
in the pit of my soul
i have nowhere to go
i free my mind,
for change takes time.

if i wrote a poem to every boy that broke my heart
that would be a long work of art
and in the end i would be the only one to blame
confiding and trusting in another
hoping they won't cause me any pain
only to be disappointed
once again.

i look at her
asymmetrical features
eyes dark like black holes
brown skin
nothing close to thin
wide hips
small lips
cellulite down her thighs
long thick lashes covering her eyes
she’s not pretty when she cries
she’s beautiful as she lies
she rests her head where i rest my soul
as i talk to her, i feel her voice caress me
for i am the only one who knows
under that nonchalant exterior, a crimson flower grows
i look at her
the multi-universe of her soul
i want to watch her grow old
a shining star from afar
but up close a cherub in human form
i love her, i love her, i die for her
when she questions why i remain
i have so much to say
but i timidly explain
if i was to share another life in her presence
i would immediately dive in her essence
for her aura contains the vibrations of my meaning
her persona of patience is enough for the healing
of my traumas and no she is not for me to use
she is delicate, my purpose, my muse
my guardian angel that has helped me prosper
i don’t care what those other girls have to offer
her coffee bean hair tickling my cheeks
her heart finally in my reach
she is not mine, not anyone’s
hues of warm sand and dirt
i look at her
an earth goddess that never made me hurt

i wanted to die
and now that i almost did
im like **** why didnt i?
my peripheral views lie to me
miscalculated love and understanding
because truly no one knows what that means
no one even knows me
im a fake a fraud
i hide i lie
theres nothing inside
blackness, darkness
i want to forget it all
i have no regrets
i have no wishes
just ******* end it
i’m not curious
i know myself
complex, cruel, crazy
smoke it away
forget what people say
irrelevant, nonexistent
facts over opinions
the only form of vacation i know
is the escape in my own isolation
i know who i am
i’ve found myself
i am ashamed
i thought they would accept me as i came
they didn’t
all that i want to be i am
they are not satisfied
it doesn’t make me feel sad inside
it doesn’t make me insecure
i have never felt more sure
of myself because no one else
is like me, i’m unique
but i’m not how they want me to be
**** them
i am my own heaven
i dont need anyone
i am the only one
who is like me
and i am all i need.

emotions bottled up in the *** i can’t release
for a boy before has already left his unwanted mark on me
i am scarred once more
what is the universe waiting for?
i have gone through so ******* much
i’m even tired of all these quick *****
i need someone i can truly love
but i have not had any luck
my insecurities are getting to me
is it my way of being?
trying my hardest to be kind and gentle
instead i come off strong or just plain mental
but **** it it’s who i am
and even though i have the personality of a trash can
i’m better off alone
because no one else knows
how much i have had to suffer on my own
calling the walls in my mind
my only home

i remember
when my father would hold me
he told me to never feel lonely
for he would always be there
i used to always care
now i don't give a ****
i don't believe in bad luck
only in karma and God's path
don't push me to release this wrath
of anger kept in for years
reminiscent of all the wasted tears
wasted time i spent praying for
someone to be by my side
instead of being grateful
for my life
i wanted it to end
was always waiting for someone to lend
a hand
but in this land
people are too selfish
i remember, never miss
choosing growth over comfort
establishing my worth
prideful, truthful, hurtful
i'll never again feel like a fool
i remember
i used to be afraid
of all the things i now crave
loss, temptation, change
even though i act older
than my age
my heart is young
lighter than any tune ever sung
knowing where i stand
comfortable with who i am
i remember
this is what i have been
waiting for
this life, i wouldn't want
anything more.

i am a narcissus
sing to me stroke my petals softly
i change colors
exquisite range
more complex than the others
out of all i have endured
my stem stands sturdy and tall
i put behind and disregard
what led to my downfalls
they crushed me, they did
left parched, malnourished
i craved to be tended to
to be watered
i prayed for the unnecessary
i didn’t see what was inside of me
i am all that i need
me who was once a seed
i caused my own pain
dramatic, overthought
the most important part i forgot
to flourish is to accept
the storm that tries to weaken you
to love is to be satisfied
with the soil you are to grow in
i cherish my colors
remember my roots
grown through concrete
i’m in full bloom

it’s the time of the season
i’m in full bloom
i have purpose, i have reason
i can bring light to a room
with my passion and smile
conversations worth the while
time spent recovering
from the sad thoughts hovering
rejections and pains reappearing
i stand without fear or feeling
brave and nonchalant
people aren’t too fond
of my actions, decisions
i am still aiming for my goals
with precision
judgement does not phase me
they don’t know what i’m facing
my petals had been withering
but with the time God has given me
i have grown
discovered the unknown
i had stored inside myself
roots watered without help
available all year round
a rare blossom ultimately found

i call her my dream
so outer-worldly she seems
danger in her eyes
that wild stare
the way she hides behind her hair
if only she knew the amount of times
i have thought of caressing her sun-kissed thighs
the way she moves
in tune with her own groove
unique is what she is
but me, i lack courage
to confess these feelings
stored in my chest, for i can
avoid looking a mess
afraid, i am not what she expects
in a lover,
but i am more than any other
for her i would drop to my knees
as my angel i plead
for her constant love and affection
because she is all i need
cherub, i can’t help but admire you
my grandest desire, i would do anything to pursue.

i'm craving
feigning, misbehaving
driven by lust
recalling their touch, temptation
their words, actions
manipulation
the way i am careless
i am even more dangerous
as my lovers' lips part
writhing, i am prepared for the breaking of my heart
as they ******, my insecurities fade
i see them around, they look the other way
one after another, i'm always left ashamed
lover after lover, romanticizing my pain

insufficiency
is the only thing i see
when i look inside
and even if i cry
my heart is still full
heavy with doubt, pitiful
i can't stand the way i am
i can change, i know i can
but it's so hard
why does everything have to be so hard?
i don't forgive i can't forget
i can't love i don't regret
my chest tightens
the trauma i'm hiding
it is becoming too hard to bear
God show me who is there
because it feels like there isn't
anyone else who cares

internally, i'm screaming
oh my God, oh my God
i'm so ******* alone, i am alone
no one to trust or talk to
lost and without a home
i tried to isolate myself for growth
i played myself, where the **** do i go?
i am empty, an abyss
no one to care for or miss
the people around me
are so ******* draining
these vessels are soulless holes
you fill their thoughts and
there is still no hope
where the **** am i?
where does my heart reside?
i have lost it somewhere in the sheets
of all the lovers i've come to meet
my heart has no home
i am alone

inhale
prayer, thought, affirmation
exhale
trauma, negativity, self-doubt
i don't escape my reality with this meditation
i reveal my truths with this medication
that most refer to as a sin
the healthiest drug there has ever been
we are all elevated as we come
but to be aware was achievable on this drug
my fears, nonexistent
the people around me, inconsistent
as they come and go
i will never feel alone
i am the only one who stays
not even the smoke remains
intellect, experience, and emotion
contemplated in slow motion

i’m not enough
for myself
especially not anyone else
im out of love
it has fled me like white doves
i crave passion
i crave action
even while we’re laughing
there’s still something lacking
between me and you
i feel blue
i’m always in a bad mood
i want you to understand me
but i don’t even know what or who i can be

how many emotions can you define?
anger
the sounds of the hits against my chest and face
the look in his eyes i ******* despised
sadness
i try sobbing but my throat is so dry after the
hours i have spent crying
shame
remains left in bruises and scars on my body
i have to hide and lie about
disgust
heavy breathing of an unwanted man between my thighs
groping my flesh, goosebumps raising on my skin
envy
petty stares from the ones he betrayed me with
they were beautiful i must admit
anxious
my body, **** for him on display
nothing compared to the others he'd seen this way
patience
lovers may come and go
and i have much more to know
reflection
isolation is necessary
find comfort in your natural being
love
time is sacred
my heart is fragile
kindness
whether strangers or part time lovers remain
negativity will never reign
happiness
running into a field but away from nothing
teeth gleaming in the sun
eyes bright, able to overcome

i wanna know what love is
i speak of what's beyond it a lot
but there's something i've forgot
is it doing anything for someone
even if it hurts, unconditional
is it an agreement to settle down and
quit ******* other people
i wanna know what true friendship is
do you fall in love with them too
or are you only present when they're feeling blue
love is a rush of dopamine and oxytocin
but to me its a loss of innocence
after you love, beyond it is what you forget
and i don't believe in regrets,
but if i look at what is left
there is nothing left.

who am i?
i am small, blunt, and brown
i am loud, afraid and can stand my ground
who do i want to be?
everything, but me
i am scared of the Earth and its people
petrified by their actions and how they’ll feel
once they really know me and my faults, my
flaws, my fears, and insecurities
they are the thoughts in my heart that won’t go away
i want them to go away
if they don’t leave, will i be able to love again?
if i love again, how will they be able to abstain
and not fill up my brain causing me
once more the immense pain
of breaking my own heart before someone else can
i was once as strong as a lion,
yet now as fragile as a lamb
who am i?
i am so different, it’s hard to understand
where my hopes resided, is now a different land
one where i was once happy and satisfied
i am now alone and sad inside
who do i want to be?
who i once was before,
but my circumstances have changed
what i once was, i am not able to obtain
who am i?
i am bright, passionate, and strong
i can heal, overcome, and even sing a song
only i have the power to grow and
be better than i have ever been
doubting myself is my grandest sin
my faults, my flaws, my fears, and insecurities
are all the things that make me unique
who do i want to be?
myself, no one else because loving
yourself is the greatest wealth
you can achieve in this life many perceive as hell
but once you manifest love into your
being and understand your sorrows
you’ll look forward to every tomorrow
not having to ask again, “who am i?”

after you left
i seen you in one of my dreams
you told me, “be courageous”
now isn’t it outrageous
that to this day i still can’t get over this
but yet i still never wish
for you to come back to me
to be by my side, actually,
in a way i am glad you are gone
because then i wouldn’t be so strong,
but most days i look around
“what about your dad?”, i frown
“he is dead”, i say
automatically clenching my fists
ready for the stares and remarks of disdain
and when someone is brave enough to ask
i tell them you put a bullet through your brain
living with you, a schizophrenic
i had to comprehend your impulsive scenes and
understand the end just had to happen
because with a family like yours
we all needed a valuable lesson
so when you told me, “be courageous”,
i realized what i once thought was so dangerous
feeling so much i couldn’t breathe
crying so much i didn’t want to see
that i desperately needed you here with me
courageous in the way i could be
brave enough to face my fears
and never wish you were still here
yes, i forgot the sound of your voice,
but i still remember your cologne of choice
i am thankful for the time we shared
because even if you’re not there,
at least i can say i did once have a father who cared.

sometimes i think i am going crazy
when i’m having a conversation the words always seem a little hazy
their voices, phrases start to fade and jumble
and even when i walk my limbs feel like they want to fumble
and fall and i have a fear of it all
do i act like its nothing and continue to stall
or should i speak up and get some help
but if i talk i feel like my lips start to melt
i smoke, drink, or cry to get rid of all these feelings
but harming myself more wont heal me
i built a world inside of my head where everything is perfect
so perfect that when it came to reality i began to neglect
what was really happening inside of my head
all of my fears, needs, and desires were beginning to be misread
i became so immersed in my pain
i didn’t realize that chemical imbalance in my brain
slowly started to deteriorate my mental health
where i felt getting what i wanted will always be my only form of wealth
i crave what i lack
but i mostly crave the emotions i can’t bring back
i live in the past and fear the present
walking through people i always start to resent
i am afraid, i am afraid, i am afraid
of myself and the harm that i am causing
to my heart and i am sorry
but it takes time to stitch your own wounds
and i hope i get to see another full moon.

i had never felt so insecure
by the man who was meant to make me feel secure
after a while my voice, my choices, weren't enough
and with more time passing i was scared he wasn't in love
with my fragile heart, loud laugh, and sad eyes
i was so scared with everything i would realize
was i too deep, too soft, too much of everything?
is that why he prefers anything other than me?
because with time a kiss became equivalent to a fist
and as he changed i couldn't help but wish
if only things never changed
i just want it to be the same
but we never really get what we want most of the time
even though i want back what once was mine
God drew me back into my sadness
and i don't know what i did to deserve this

we're all going to die
it's a fact, simple as that
no matter who or what we believe in, we're all meant to leave and
even though it hurts, sometimes there are things much worse
sometimes people leave you behind, while you're both still alive
or sometimes people are forced to suffer trying to survive
many of us find comfort in the lies of the after life
but i feel if God is actually real death is something you're not supposed to feel
they say Earth and Reality are cruel but maybe it's just us acting like fools
we're all going to die
if that is our destiny, why do we treat it as our enemy?
if that is the only thing truly meant to be, why do we still promise eternities?
death is supposed to be beautiful, life isn't meaningful
in a universe where the only living matter does not matter
instead of being afraid of death, it's something we have to accept
we're all going to die.

i almost grasped the true meaning of satisfaction when you laid your hands gently on my hips
then you laid me down gracefully and kissed my lips
then i questioned myself why would i ever ask for anything more than this?
and i still think back to the first time we kissed
and how after that your touch had such an effect on me, i just can't resist
you caress me with your voice and fulfill my heart, which was once an empty abyss,
with never ending desire and adoration, leaving me in a state of complete bliss
i find it hard to think of all those enchanting moments and not reminisce
and it's hard to think of you and not notice
how whenever i'm with you i can't focus
i crave you so hard i tend to forget the risks
of wanting so much, without you i couldn't exist
because as time passed, the feelings you once had desist
just as the world wanted, there i go falling into another one of God's tricks

show me what you really feel
i don't have time for anything but what's real
whether it's a good bye or a kiss
the truth is my only wish
if you love me come clean
if you hate me let me be
deep down you'll never change me
i am strong and powerful like the sea
do not dare to put me down
i am small and proud and will stand my ground
my chest is heavy full and aching
because even the heart of a lion can end up breaking
but do not let that sink into you
you don't know what i've been through
i flew in from heaven on an angel
without notice of how Earth was so painful
i have overcame every obstacle
but there's just one that i found to be impossible
he claimed my love and took advantage
ripped me from my purity but won’t claim the damage
i’m more than what he thought i am
i am truthful and courageous
by far the greatest threat known to man.

to me you are unique in all the world
always exhaling your worries
constantly making my thoughts swirl
there is no one for me but you
the thought of our beings intertwined
alone in the universe just us two
counting the days i get to see you again
praying that you are thinking of me
hoping you mention me before you say amen
maybe you don't feel the same for me anymore
time passes and i realize nothing is the same from before
you are not mine
i am not yours.

even the heart of a lion so strong and brave still grows in love
no matter how prideful and humble it's all i  think of
the men i grew with showed me affection and betrayal
everything i thought love was like was a false portrayal
my chest is always full with doubt or devotion
sometimes even both causing a commotion
whispering to myself if this is really worth it
because sometimes it feels like i'm painting a portrait
of my sadness and putting it into another person
but really its just i found another version
of me and now i finally can see
and understand life isn't so blurry
love gives me purpose and hope in life
one day i want to be called someone’s wife
all my hopes and dreams are stored into someone’s palms
them holding my heart as i bleed away the psalms
i pray to get the chance to meet my twin flame
the one who will be a balm to all the pain
keeping their promise for me to not feel it again
because i don't want my love to end
even the heart of a lion is so fragile and delicate
it has once felt so broken and desolate
but as the men i grew with showed me truth and eternity
everything i thought love is was an uncertainty
the weight on my shoulders grows heavier day by day
with the games the devil loves to play
on me but finally God has saved me with this presence
and i am grateful for the granted patience
the men i grew with
they were the ones who helped me sprout
into an angel on earth, a heaven unknown
no matter how hard it was to accept my growth
i know this is my destiny
love is meant for me
from the bottom of my heart i put my courage into God’s hands
i once thought as time goes on it’ll feel like a contraband
a ***** deal that whisked me into a coward
but that is not me anymore i have flowered
a being of nature breathing only for myself
without the help of anyone else
because when the men i grew with left my life
this heart of a lion felt real love.

i feel the flowers and i feel free
but i still need you here with me
as i watch everyone growing old
i realize i still need your hand to hold
i'll be needing you by my side endlessly
but my love for you is taking a toll on me dreadfully
without you i feel as i would die at times
but when i was with you, i always needed to color inbetween the lines
you changed me, you know?
so now it's time to finally let you go