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AC Jan 2014
How is it that the things we cling so tightly to are often the things we lose?

We spend so much time focused on a tight grasp
Careful to not let the moments, the treasures slip away
Yet somehow we look back and realize that our hands have been empty all along
That the tightened fist has been enclosed around air
Empty promises
Empty moments
Empty memories
No matter how hard we try to make it last
We realize we've wasted so much time preserving the moment
That we are devastated when it has passed
We did not stop
Breathe the moment in for all it is
And it is gone
Right through a clenched fist

We were so fixated on not letting go
That in our blindness
We forgot to take hold
AC Jan 2014
AC Jan 2014
I find myself constantly replaying
the events of June 18th in chronological order;

"Goodbye", she whispers.
Then dial tone
I feel my fingers go numb
I drop the phone;
I try to carry my legs
to get to my car
to get to her house
to get to her room
to get to her
listening to music
and writing in her journal
because she changed her mind;
I scream
I call back
I run to my car
I sob so hard I cannot see
the road
only red and white streaks;
Praying its not too late
Finding Hickory Bluff
Finding 213
Finding red and blue flashing lights
Spilling out of my car
Hearing a wailing woman
Hearing chatter from surrounding neighbors
Collapsing next to a sheet covered gurney
Screaming through asphalt covered bleeding hands
Hearing "goodbye" on repeat
Hearing the hum of a dial tone in my hears
Feeling myself slipping
Seeing black
Feeling nothing

AC Jan 2014
I am yearning to go
to meet the people
behind the passion
to set foot on a plane
and have no fear
but only expectation
of what greatness is to come
I am yearning to go
to see the
and lost
I am yearning to fight
to seek justice
for the oppressed
a home for the homeless
a father for the fatherless
I am yearning to be apart
of their lives
even though they
do not know my name yet
I am thinking
night and day about them
and when I see their faces
my world will be complete
and I know the yearning
will be replaced
with a hunger
and a thirst
to be a part of their lives
until I am called elsewhere

AC Jan 2014
Do you ever
just take the time
to break down
to just release everything
that you've been holding
with clenched fists
for days
To just scream to anyone
to no one
to just explode
with rage
and loneliness
and fear
to let the tears run
and the objects fly
as your vocal chords give out
from the body shaking screams
To just lie on the floor
and breathe
wishing someone was there
but also thankful
that no one ever has to see you
like this

AC Jan 2014
To the boy who broke me;
I cannot bring myself to forget
The way you cupped my face
Only to tell me
I could never be happy again
I cannot bring myself to forgive
The countless hours
Of your fingers searching me
Of your hands restricting me
Your words choking me
I cannot bring myself to accept
That this wasn't my fault
That I can choose to leave it behind
That I can start over
I cannot bring myself to put away
The memories of threats
Of fingernails digging into ribs
Of dark circled eyes from
Quiet and secret tears
I cannot bring myself to realease the pain
Of the boy that broke me
AC Jan 2014
your fingers slide over my skin
like razor blades
burning on my wrists
struggling away
the weight of your body
collapses on me
you grab tighter
hopelessness penetrates me
as you do
finally i only can hear
your words that choke me
"you're mine now"
and lying beneath you
under the weight of more
than a body
i cannot muster a scream
i am trapped
i am defenseless
i am his
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