I have not talked to you in four years. Sometimes I wonder if you're dead or not. Some moments I miss you a lot. As I grow into who I am, I think more about what we are. The longer you are gone, the more I realize how unique and different you are. Or maybe you just brainwashed me so badly that I can't see other people for themselves. I only look for you.

I wonder what you're doing or thinking right now. You just disappeared from earth. I want to have someone fill in for you so badly. To cure my aching desire.

Why does everything I love have to get lost?

There are some people, who I will never meet anyone like them. But they don't give a **** about me. But I can't forget them. I can't have anything I love. It never stays.

I can't have anyone I love. They never stay.

for me,
things are getting real low,
things are getting real low
i bleed
and i'm going real slow,
and i'm going real slow

it's strange
i randomly pictured your face,
your hair, your eyes, your waist
and then hid a little story i made

my feelings grew
as i made it public
i took it back
it can't be published

every time i go
you aren't around
need you to hold
me safe and sound

i just need to see you
i lost faith in my ex,
and i'm never having ***
my mind is too complex

i just need to see you
it's a false kind of love
i don't know how i feel,
don't know how to deal with girls

am i romanticizing cause of the trauma?
no, it's real, it's really really real
my mind denies it
all the attention

my ego likes it
but i hate it
acting like
i really do

want you to be my girlfriend
it's like
true and false
only when i'm far away

but when i write little notes
in the books that i give
and you do a mousey stare
the memories feel

as if im falling in love
although it wasnt there
bought to the surface
now with different eyes

on me
different eyes on me
i don't know, ****,
all i know

is that
i need
somebody
and these things
are
appearing to me

for me,
things are getting real low,
things are getting real low

i bleed
and i'm going real slow,
and i'm going real slow

i need
to see you now though
to see you now though

i am constantly searching
for a connection
just anyone,
similar to him
a bunch of replicas
i attract
and attach to.

never the real thing.

i am constantly
just always
searching for my mother
replacing her with men
in hopes
that they will love me
and nurture me
like a woman will

i want my ex
i like his skin
and his hair
and his face
and his body

i listened to his voice
replayed over and over again
i love everything about him
the good, the bad
the ugly..

just a taste of him
from any man
is addicting
i'd do anything
to fill the space
he left inside of me

there's something magical
about a resemblance
he makes me feel
a spark of life
in a sea of darkness
like a bright star
in outer space

he drives me insane
and now
everything i say
is feeling a bit fake. . .

Something inside me is there, but can not speak. It feels weird when I smile.

I can't laugh. I can't express my anger.

When someone is making me uncomfortable, sexually harassing me with their eyes, I can't not react. I can not open up to other people. I can not speak when angry. I can not express my frustration. I can not show shame or embarrassment. I can not cry. I can not tell anyone what happens in my life. The bad thoughts and memories pull me and weigh me down.

Maybe I should try to speak. Even if it doesn't feel right. Even if I explode with anger.

I think I am de-compensating

When I am studying something,
anything,
it feels quite blissful

I doze out
in beautiful fantasies
as if
my crazy mind
has been calmed
and I can finally relax.

Never doing the work,
just loving the idea of it.

Not actually completing the task in reality.

So I can now earn the right to forever dream

I slept. I woke up feeling like a hundred bricks just fell on me, and I was lying on a cold street. Then waking up in the E. R. I feel a bit lighter.

I am angry at him, but also angry at all of those who came along. When you have so many abusers, it's kind of difficult to find who to shift the blame on. I already destroyed the first one. I don't know how I'm going to get the others. Sometimes I feel hopeless. The world is ******. People get away with **** like this.

By "people" I mean men. I just use people cause it's easier.

I'm tired of deep diving into my trauma. I am encountering it. I am deeply traumatized by him using me, and being used by other people. Of course, it kept on happening over and over again. It is terrifying. I am constantly fighting it inside my head. I'm begging him no. I'm telling them all no. I am so afraid and hyper-vigilant. It is a unique trauma. All my trauma is unique. That's why I'm my own therapist. I don't need no random ***** to hear all of my sensitive, private thoughts and then put me on some drug.

I was always so afraid of him. It's like he planted his self into my head. Watching me, shaming the things I did, judging me, stalking me. But I still did it at 14. I fought back. Even though my fingers were shaking on the keyboard cause this older boy had so much power over me. I forgot how terrifying everything was. My life has constantly just been non-stop suffering.

And now I am a recluse. Hunched over her computer screen. Looking for comfort. Looking for something to make me feel safe. I should put on the PTSD asmr.

I used to have it. Migraines. Flashbacks. I had no idea what was going on with me. Trying to "wait until I'm legal" to have *** with me after abusing me and traumatizing me and giving me PTSD is kind of insane. There's some sort of insanity to all of this. You gain sanity when you talk about it. You gain sanity when you speak out. That's what I had back then. I wrote everything the **** out, with MY account that I created with MY name on it so I didn't have to hide.

This is who I am now.

I always craved power. I fantasize about being in control. I want it so desperately bad. But I feel my illusion crumbling down. I'm sick of people telling me I need to heal. I don't want to remember anything he did to me. I don't want to cry for hours and hours everyday. I don't want to revisit it. I don't want to have flashbacks. I wanna eat food and play games and be with my friends.

i just learned
the world is loveless
i just burned
away my heart.

know i now
men can't be trusted
i detached my soul
and tore it apart.

i am red,
from the inside out.
i am guts,
and i am gore.

i could show
you how i'm so twisted,
would you want to see?
I'm not too sure.

oh, i know
i walk a thin line
my pretty feet
have scars that are red

stupid wars
that i fought for
and nearly
ended up dead

i have died
deep on the inside
following a plan
that doesn't work

i have lead
a full-fledged army
into a pit
of lifeless dirt

i'm a psychopath
cause i died alone
and my instincts
are pure animal

even if it's self-sabotage,
i think that's just a mirage
these men simply massage
the beast within

you think you know who i am,
but that's just a grain of sand,
all the knowledge you have
is puny and thin

i'm an animal too
we all are