is it sad
that i never let go of the past?

is it sad
that you move on, and i dont?

how could i ever
when justice hasn't been served
even after all the revenge i sought

how could i
when the sole reason
i am who i am
is because you took

your pasty iron fist
and beat the **** out of me
until i turned
into this ugly monster

and everyday
i struggle to be happy
and everyday is a victory
yet also a loss.

what makes him think we're friends?
after he called me a ******* monkey?

i try so hard
to replace you
i lust for
and seek
the men
with porcelain skin,
a desire
unnatural

it is not
innately wrong
but when
i am so
influenced by you,
my Jupiter,
it causes me
so much turmoil

porcelain men
like you
don't want
earthy, bronze women
like me.

and every time
i've tried
i'm the one
who gets broken
by men
who are so shallow

and fragile

i know that
i'm not light enough
for you to love me.

it's not a secret
you have to hide.

Wasted time
nothing matters
wipe the sweat
and get up

eat the food
on your plate
death's on a run
and it'll never stop

I feel time differently
flowing through me
God's writing in his book
about the new me

If you talked to me before,
act like you never knew me
I don't feel bad anymore,
I am wedded, newly,
to my past
and my future
and my life
and my death

Every breath
has a use
speak love,
and the truth
show kindness,
don't abuse
be clear,
and not obtuse

Faint
into my dreams
I'm talking to you
behind the screen
all I do
is shout and scream
all I want
is to be heard

Pain is a tool
nice and sharp
it plays so well
inside my heart
who is fueling
the machine?
grinding up
all of me

And I just wish you were here
and I just wish you could hear
all the things that happen in my head
I want you
to feel my tears flow
I want you
to just know