Something inside me is there, but can not speak. It feels weird when I smile.

I can't laugh. I can't express my anger.

When someone is making me uncomfortable, sexually harassing me with their eyes, I can't not react. I can not open up to other people. I can not speak when angry. I can not express my frustration. I can not show shame or embarrassment. I can not cry. I can not tell anyone what happens in my life. The bad thoughts and memories pull me and weigh me down.

Maybe I should try to speak. Even if it doesn't feel right. Even if I explode with anger.

I think I am de-compensating

When I am studying something,
anything,
it feels quite blissful

I doze out
in beautiful fantasies
as if
my crazy mind
has been calmed
and I can finally relax.

Never doing the work,
just loving the idea of it.

Not actually completing the task in reality.

So I can now earn the right to forever dream

i just learned
the world is loveless
i just burned
away my heart.

know i now
men can't be trusted
i detached my soul
and tore it apart.

i am red,
from the inside out.
i am guts,
and i am gore.

i could show
you how i'm so twisted,
would you want to see?
I'm not too sure.

oh, i know
i walk a thin line
my pretty feet
have scars that are red

stupid wars
that i fought for
and nearly
ended up dead

i have died
deep on the inside
following a plan
that doesn't work

i have lead
a full-fledged army
into a pit
of lifeless dirt

i'm a psychopath
cause i died alone
and my instincts
are pure animal

even if it's self-sabotage,
i think that's just a mirage
these men simply massage
the beast within

you think you know who i am,
but that's just a grain of sand,
all the knowledge you have
is puny and thin

i'm an animal too
we all are

click-clack,
that's the sound my teeth
i grind up my gums when i sleep
my head aches, i imagine music
that bass beat hits my brain deep
the scenes in my head are ******
the pain from the past is muddy
i can't hear my heart, it's faint,
i think i might just be cold-blooded.

there's no difference, adult and child
something in me has had enough
i don't want to smile in public.
i don't really gotta act tough
everything i say is a fact
i ain't never really gotta ******' act

what's **** to me is skeleton and bone
i cry and think dark thoughts when i'm alone
i'm not heartless, but i'm sure as hell
that i can make my heart turn to stone.

i don't lie, i tell the truth
as blunt as a dull blade can be
my anger is wild and tame
but that's something people can't see
i want to explode but i can't
the pressure is constantly high

it's why i always think about blowing my lid off
but i never really did try.

I just want them to stop gaslighting me.

What did I do for my life to be destroyed like this?
What did I do to deserve this?

It's a little gift
it's a little shift
live and let live
I would never give
anyone the peace
after all the grief
all I really need
is a sweet release

I, go inside my of my mind
I, go inside all the time
I love sweet sunshine
I, I

I, live inside a dream
I, imagine great things
I, write songs in my head
I, am myself

All I want to do is sing
you can cut off my wings
all I'm gonna do is dream
I dream great things, I dream things

I, go inside my of my mind
I, go inside all the time
I love sweet sunshine
I, I

I, live inside a dream
I, imagine great things
I, write songs in my head
I, I, am myself