i never do it for me
i want to be free
so i can run back in your chains
and we can call it love
i can be your dove
trapped inside a cage
i mix spells and potions
raising commotion inside
just so that i can see you
magically appear in my life
i never do it for me
only do it for you
stuck in a wave, in a wave of loving you
never do it for me
only do it for you
i'm constantly pushing shoving you
i want you back
and sometimes i want you bad
i never did it for me,
only did for you
stuck in a wave, in a wave of loving you

i can not control
those who abuse me
i cant not control
the pain
i can not control
my misery
i cant not control
the past
but i still live
i still exist
despite it all
i still flourish
i always thought
the point of my life
was to get revenge
to burn
all of them
who used me
to burn them in my head

but now i realize
i can tell my story
because life
is like a book
with words
constantly being written
and the story
of your life
has to be told

it is an awe
that i am alive

frozen tears melt for the first time
i wonder what i was in a past life
feeling myself with germy hand
intestines and blood and raw, her hand

i remember plenty of faces
and instead of trying to slaughter all
i need to find love from other places
power is gained by spreading your aces

play the cards right
i will stay strong till the hours light
i will stand strong to make it all right
love is healing, is our right

everything will be alright

i feel damaged
lost and confused
i don't really know
what's important to me
i'm like liquid
flowing one direction to the next
what is a priority?
what do i spend my time doing?
what do i focus on?
i don't even know.
is it exercise? or to love myself?
self-care? learning a coding language?
should i strive to be "the best,"
even though i don't know what that is?
should i compare myself to my ex
who was always "perfect"
and try to out do everything he does?
should i focus on my religion
my faith, beaten and battered,
barely existing anymore?
or should i search for a partner
to put all my burdens on
just to end up used and heart broken?
should i go to therapy
like everyone tells me to
so i can pay money off my insurance
for someone to invalidate me
constantly being triggered
as i try to find the "right one"
should i focus on my family,
or rather, leaving this chaotic house
this messy marriage i witness
should i keep applying to jobs
just to be ignored
over and over again?
should i post things online
for them to get no views
and leave me feeling embarrassed
like there's no point in trying
anything in life anymore.
or should i just do
whatever the hell i want
and see where it takes me?
base things off my
ever-confusing, painful emotions
so i can just feel
a little bit of pleasure
i just select
a couple of things i feel are important
and stick to a consistent routine
and doing that
had really made me feel
rigid.

but what else am i to do?

Im so tired.

Im going after things
I thought I wanted
I feel *****
My tongue is dry
I dont know who i am anymore
I dont know how im going to make it

There is no tomorrow

The present holds you closely

and with all your sorrow

it stands near to you mostly

avoidance, a parasite

and you are the host

you rely on the morning star

to gift you a bolt

when will we die?

we don't know

we rely on what's comfortable

days going by

one by one

sooner or later

death will come

death is a peaceful slumber
death is a painful end
death is a deep depression
death is at the bottom of the ocean
death is the solution to my problems
watching my body decay
broken and abused memories
this is not a place i want to say
tears fill my body
i'm headless, my throat is slit
i have things i can't say
and things i won't admit
my thoughts are ghostly demons
slicing me in half
but all that comes out is blood and tears
a salty, runny bath
no one to turn to to
nowhere to run
in my fantasies
we become one
i feel the sadness
evermore
and on the earth
i don't exist
i turn to dirt and bones
so no man will ever hurt me
and i die in the earth, alone
deserted as i always was.

i love you death...
i love you so much...
i am in love
with my pain
and my sadness...

i live in the past....
never to see the future...
of what my life would become...

she probably heard me
talking
fighting
flirting
screaming

she probably heard m
chatting
blasting
my metal
music

and when i get out of here
i can
finally
be
alone

then
no longer
worry
about
someone

listening

even though they all used me
they ****** off to me
they masturbated to me
im the one
who feels
so *****
so guilty
so disgusting
im the one who feels
sick to my stomach
im the one
who hates my body
im the one
who feels the ick
im the one
who feels worthless
im the one
who takes the blame

A human
so lost
wondering
through a forest
finds
a bright
little fairy,
so beautiful and small.

She makes a wish
that she
will be beautiful
free
powerful
and radiant
and find her way
back to her kingdom
but nothing happens.

Instead,
she sits there,
on the trunk she saw the fairy,
before it disappeared.

She closes her eyes,
and cries a bit
engrossed by
the peaceful darkness
she sees spirals of colors
she sees a prince
that is pink and blue
she hears a voice
"you are beautiful"
"you are radiant"
she is filled with light

I am powerful.
I am free.

She feels tall
like a castle
filled with echoes and rooms,
cobwebs and bats,
she feels loud.

She feels strong, and heavy,
like strong bricks
ancient, made from long ago
she feels like
she has existed forever.

Her presence expands
she is everything
she is giant
she is huge
but that little voice
in her head
the one that guided her
it is meek,
it is small,
it is bold,
it is a fairy.

i'm not rational
i'm insane
but that is the nature of life
i push back on my intuition
because it just doesn't seem right
if only i could lose my mind
to the point where my heart would unwind
then i can travel through time
to make all my choices align

love isn't rational
love isn't reasonable
sometimes love is ****** up
but in the end we're brushed up
into a pretty painting
of two people lovestruck
i give no *****
i can't live without us
we will end up together

someway somehow
and it won't make any sense
you don't make sense anyway
you're white
i'm black
you're static
i'm magic
you're older
you're colder

i'm raging
i'm begging
i'm loving
you're cruel
i'm honest
you're a liar
i'm bold
i'm confident
you're fake

you're afraid
no matter what the difference is
no matter what you become
i will love you in your darkness
and bring forth light
i don't care how much you hurt me
it'll be alright
because like god i'm forgiving
i'm powerful

and illogical

Now nobody knows my name
before I bleed I turn into the darkest version of myself
it was fermenting inside of me
when you tortured me mentally
you didn't know what you were creating
so godly you are
so disturbed
transferred it to me
your disease
and now I'm a figment of your imagination
I'm the shadow in the blade
always stalking
always watching

So much love lost
memories cold
in the attic of our minds
I would love
to talk to you again
but I know
it's a waste of time.

I remember
your sweet smile
when we were in love
I was naive
and the world was bright
I thought I had it all.

And now
and it's as if
I live between
then and now
who I was
and who I am
are a girl
and a woman
with a long distance
between them.

inside of a blissful heaven
where we are both naked
i want to gently
touch the side of your face
with my palm
and look into
your deep brown eyes
and wrap myself
around you
like a twisted vine
i want to love you
i want to
feel your pain
and your pleasure
i want to heal you
i want to feel
the radiation
of stress
and pain
to leave your body
and flow into me
and then
out of the both of us
i want
to become so
close to you
that i can't tell
the difference between
who i am
and who you are
i want us to
transcend this realm
and become light
a 21st century
adam and eve
i want
to bite into
your bright red
shiny apple
and when i kiss you
i want it to
****** you inside
i want whoever
you thought you were
to shatter
and i want you
to pull me in
so close
so i absorb
everything you are
and after
a long stare
i want to move
my hands
up and down
your body
like a smooth earth
a fair marble
and run my fingers
through your hair
not caring
who sees
not caring
what they think
and just consumed
by pure
epic love
wrapped
so tightly
so bound
locked in place
to never
untwist
EVER again

tonight
it's all you
and you should know
that when i speak
from first person
point of view
it's all you
no one else i love

your essence is
four thousand words
you make me feel free
like a thousands birds
sprung right outside
of their cage
i'm filled with love
and filled with rage

you're the bleeding sun
into my plasma ocean
i'm hot inside
and wet below
and it's as if
our souls are handcuffed
because i can never
let you go

all my pain
was all you
all my joy
was all you
all my love
was all you
i can't fall but
i fall for you

sleepless nights
was all you
constants fights
was all you
flight or fight
it's all you
but it's alright
cause it's all you

it's just you, baby
i love you, baby
telepathy, maybe?
you drive me crazy
i talk in my head
we been talkin' lately
all my thoughts are just one thing
it's just you, lately

you're the one who made me
you really know me
i'll be all yours
cause you own me
and you took so much
so you really owe me
i take it all back
you don't even know me

you know me like
random words on the page
you know me like
a blossoming flower
every stage
you know me like you know the USA
but can't name
every single state

i know you so deep
i know you, like cuts
i know you, like love
i know you, like trust
i know you, like friendship
i know you, like lust
i know your bad instincts
i know your bad luck

i know your secrets
i know your pain
i know what you've lost
and what you could gain
i know your thoughts
i know your lies
i know your truth
you know you can't hide

you know my heart
you know my head
you know my anger
you know my sacrifice
you know how deep
my passion goes
sometimes i want to ease you
and take away your woes

we know we're hurt
we know we're broken
we know we watch
but haven't spoken
it's an itch
inside of our throats
i want to sink
inside your boat

let's just sink baby
swim into brain waves
i want to syncronize
i want to go to your place
inside of your head
inside of my mind
we both have fantasies
that can become real

in this lifetime