i am what you see
a product of he and she
the me of which you dream
your sealed eyes set you free
i agree
alternatively  
is mere reality
evil  
ecstasy
and all eclipses in between
are revealed

sleep
stay where you lead

i too will stay
but here
as I am
all along
then and now
i have and will be
standing  right
here

I love you so much
sometimes it hurts
but if i'm being honest
sometimes, it doesn't
sometimes...
it feels like nothing

i feel that cold shoulder of mine
get colder
I try to think of you
when you want to love
and to hold her
but the latter is the best you can get
and no love is left over

i'm sorry i'm like this.
I'm sorry we intertwist
often, i wish i was different
and as much as I fall for you,
i fall more for indifference

forgive me
you're why i am
and too beat
to be
me
so wrong to compete
i'm so lost
incomplete
and completely unclear
as to why i sit
upright
uptight
in this filthy seat
like i have
this past year
                    daddy
please
tell me
why won’t
my feet lead
to where they say
the heart beats

and help me see
how it is
that i can
count infinitely
the steps between
home and me
and simultaneously hear
in the depths
of my chest
this pounding  
when i am
as heartless
as i have been
made out to be
what then
could it
possibly be

- end

everything won't be ok this time.

you don’t get me
so you don’t get me
my knowledge of you
is barely rudimentary
and rue is a two way street

why did you beget me
only to regret me
forsake me
for your sake
i beg you

forget me
forget me

your fingertips outsink ships
my loose lips let slip

safety nets ripped
by ventriloquists twisted  
ripple effects affected
we inherited it
to trip or quadruple our
crippled-ness to depths infinite
abysses

if i’m not incorrect
those are my deformed forms
mine do detect
morphed to be torn between your two souls
as ours do so so well as well
how well illy we’re reflected

your heartbeat is ******
unredemeed and restless
as are feared our fearful existences
deemed rested contingent without exception
upon only our
respective
breathlessness
even graves can’t reject we the grave rejects

if life must be empty
my pens must be
its attempts at repentance
salvage my savagery by any means
just or unjust
just not at my hands expenses

and Father: take heed
beg mercy with sincerity

like sentences hence
life sentences end
and poets
us devils
from heaven
raise hell

help me.
for if you
unleash me
upon myself
i would melt the heavens
and you’d freeze in hell.

let me pick your brain
show me your grey
maybe then i’ll do the same

****** me with the gin
you hide behind your grin
maybe then you’ll have me

overwhelmed
by the beauty in your ugly
oh, i thirst for a taste of truth
lies burden your chest, whet
my flesh, maim my chained head

see your reflection?
how your ugly makes you lovely

pound me down on my knees
beat me, ravage me, unleash
the savage you’d meeked

loosen me, wear me thin
widen my heartless mind
strong-arming might make me feel

make me your canvas
paint me with blood-red,
master

me,
shatter my heart to pieces
it makes masterpieces better, i’m

overwhelmed
by the beauty in your ugly
oh, i thirst for a taste of you
why burden your chest when
i beg, thrive on unrest

see your reflection?
how i’m what makes you lovely

it’s funny

my anatomy
my heart lying
inside me
beckoning
beating me
to beat
feigning delicacy

isn’t it funny
it’s merely a muscle
i feel it steal beats
my steel fists copy
it clenches and dictates
me and my existence
and like me
never rests
only
keeps
beating
itself

it isn’t funny
aren’t muscles
meant to provide strength
to shield me from emptiness
and disconnect me
from all these tissues
i keep rupturing
why the contrast, then
why does it do the opposite
does it beat me out of spite
knowing i take it to heart
and again when i find
dense napkins inside
and realize
that they never left
but the worst part
is the blood-red
     cherry
on top that i need.
bitter venom i need.
to be what i don’t know
i want to be. in a world
where i’m unsure
as to why it brought me in
or what it is that is
that which up to
i should be
living
which is that
that keeps on beating
and killing the same thing
it's expecting me
to be achieving.
i hate the fact
that heartless
i suffer
though if i could
i would love
with all my heart
the alternative
that is subordinate
to fraternal evil twins

because there is no
suffering
nor mourning
as that of a heart
not yet deadened.
if only the analysis
caused it the same
paralysis
as is
witnessed in my now idle mind  
that flatlined
when i realized

i was
birthed
exist
live
and will
cease with
the oxymoron
that is
weak muscle, me:
strong  
and hollow inside

here, world.
have these words.

it’s all for the better
i’m all for the worse

they're all bound
to come around
and rebound
some days from now
so what’s the worst?

don me a a player
of words
and an alphabet
about which
i could not care less
though in them is my worth
they’re the sole characters  
on which my transient existence depends…
how symbolic.

don't allow it
they’ll run out of artists and authors
when they realize they need to pay attention
to working on pay without paying on their end
so they pay homage and paint my pale face
and hang it up as they say grace and pass the pail, there's
a pencil in my left although i’m not right at times
hand it
although i've only used pen those times
grant it
to galleries long after i am gone
and my silent voice of self-defense that is read when i see red
is no more
and granted,
my flesh is dense, entrenched and soiled in worms and soil
and the sole consistency in my after and my life is my nonexistent soul

don’t let the gluttony go unnoticed.

for if there is a phenomena i despise more so
than broadway shows which broadly showcase
plain, feigned mythical “facts” amidst quotes
it’s the fact that
myth
has no purpose
but to extort
the 27 things i’ve ever known:
my mean letters and my enemy
long after i
am no more.

and if i died today
no one would see
till the organs grew potent
and summoned them
to their senses, olfactory
and led them to the decay that is me
dead or alive
and unwanted

it's ok.
i'm prepared.

i can always make them come
though i can never make them stay
and when outliers do on occasion
i lie my way out till they lie back in line
and once again i can go about my isolation

i see the little girl wearing me.
puppy eyes, dogged tears
she's so ashamed of me
she says we've gone missing
in this world, she's all i've been missing
so i made her go.

and let the distance grow
because although i know she misses me
she doesn't know she misses nothing when i'm gone
and everything when i'm here too long

if not for the memory of her purity
i would contemplate my eulogy
so strangers i wish i knew
knew what to read before they buried me
     like i did with the little birdie
     earlier when she caught and told me
     that my little girl is wearing everything but me
     and that she makes them come
     ever since i made her leave
    
-

today is here.

- end

i lie to him
he lies to me
side by side we lie
till i fall asleep
and he leaves

he always knows
never to come over
unless i need to heal
after his hands beat me
but better yet
he always knows
to leave when it's all over

so when the sky turned over
as did i when i rolled up
so lonesome and more broken
and less so because this morning
i had his rough hands controlling
my thoughts to claim i caused it

i hold them both to console us
and all fours know that i'm sordid
i hear him calling my phone
his tone shows me he's been gone

my nightstand dead men
show me it's over
and now i can't lie
or stand being sober

down on my knees.
i could be praying here.
instead
i’m preying on beasts
who prey on me.

pray for me

i’m in too deep.
drowning
in knee-deep tears
not nearly
as shallow as me.

can i hate him
when he can't fathom the thought
of anyone
doing otherwise
to begin with

the calm never did suit me.
                                                
           i thrive

on
      chaos

the ease i feel tonight
is so unfamiliar

            beware
                         tomorrow's
                riot.

it will be
a
      beautiful

              blood red
                 canvas.

i am what you see
a product of he's and she's
and the me of which you dream.

why open our eyes
when they have nothing to reveal
but me

all along
all alone
stranded
standing here.

- end

i'd like to introduce
someone new to the mix

back when i broke the news
to my psychiatrist—
a cute, obtuse 'two shoes,
silly semanticist,

told me that drugs are bad
& called my friend a hack

audacity again...
pots calling kettles black.

let me know
if you’re ready
to relay
the weight
making you so heavy
2:10 AM
only sunshine from here
to 1:20.
AM, too
but this time,
there’s only
darkness
to see

- end

it's nothing you haven't seen before.

what you love, I hate and
what you hate, I adore

tell me that you'll never
come knocking at my door

but if you do, tell me before
so we can do it all once more

i'd like to look pretty for you
but i'd love you even more

had you known
I am a woman

who sometimes
you'd deplore

you've limited yourself
to an ungodly extent

remember all those hours you spent
days, months, and years
with feelings, intense?
where everything was exciting
and all your senses made sense?

when did you migrate
to the polar-opposite-end?

how do i talk to you
without tearing us to shreds?

and are you really indifferent
if you now mourn
your own difference?

the old man goes to what
for the night
acts as his local diner, NoHo.

he causes a ruckus.
the surveillance lights
flash on.

he doesn’t notice this since
he’s too busy conversing
with himself.

all the others trade glares
these days, i guess,
passive aggression is strength.

-

she lays the baby plastic tray
on my table—the waitress
we briefly switch formalities

and she leaves
and he turns to me
and says

oh.
i would’ve said hello,
had i known.
though,
i thought i won't; assumed you’d glued
your earlobes’ holes with those phones,
like them all.

he looked away
to continue the interaction
i had so rudely interrupted.

and that's when epiphany crashed in
as i reached for the white strangers
i let sing and speak to me so often:

whose sanity are we to question
when it’s not he
who voluntarily hears voices,
but who speaks to himself
because our need for humanity
is involuntary.

-end

this little heart of mine
i can't let it shine
only blind by passion
it ignites in desire.
let it live and catch fire
start riots and conspire
so together, in harmony
we can finally unite, fight

back and back
        
fire.

when i feel down
for knowing i know
i don’t not
stoop low

i cut morbid
short circuits shorter
for torture. torn rapture
it incapacitates

and breaks order.
to do so
i con endorphins.

i feel small.
especially
when they grow
and go.



and i'm here. more
                                                            ­alone.
than ever before.



i resort not
to overflown words
nor spilled souls
poor or porous

they transform whole
into prose seldom spoke
almost as though
forced forward
fueled by formerly
foreign
external forces

and i'm a foreigner.
and i'm a xenophobe.

and i am
a vagabond gone rogue
to enforce laws and propose chaos

my thoughts provoke.

i ****** them to
withdraw.

they pass it on.
they're why i’m so
withdrawn.

to belong, i pass it forth.
and i'm so far gone
regardless, i will
keep
withdrawing.

i can't live down
how i don't live up
to the level
of love

i compete
with a she
i can't see
and that
they won't show me

so instead i leave
and them to grieve
and me to dig deep
the grave
for when
the grave
agony
lets me leave

please

let me leave

don't ask me
when this all happened
they all left me
the answers

i don't know
at which point it was
precisely
that i ventured from
a lonesome mutant
to a loyal consumer
of one man
by the surname
Jameson.

all i understand
at this point in time
is that certainty
has no place in my mind

and that if nothing
and no one
and no place
and no aim
and no intention
of any change
he is here
and that
is all  
i will ever need

i do
i do
only death
can forcefully
make me bid
my loyalty
to my one truth
adieu

- end

i am who they are not
first
and foremost we know
to stay on track is not to look back
bent necks are best
for what's worst to lack
success by fact
by way of
back
tracks
as cracked as i am
standing
where i now stand
i know how my legs lag
i can hear the echoes of mockery
from the sounds made by my dragging feet
disjointing me
but the shots they fire
never miss nor fail
to ignite my flame
or tame its tame
or take me anywhere
but where i find myself now
wearing burn marks that to my flesh
are as mutating as they are
to my head
enlightening

Don't tell me I can—
I can't

I'm tired and afraid
I tiptoe

Please leave me alone
But don't go

I'm tired and disturbed
It's wonderful

All over the place
And nowhere at all

I don't want to heal
It burdens my soul

confined by the nighttime
its darkness sets me free

- end

i hate a mess
but i’d hate
not seeing yours
all over my bedroom
floor
more

the most deceptive mask
Lust can wear  

- end

behold
the shackles
my knuckles
fiend for.

ghosts i see
inhale me deep
they never let me
go to sleep

still im stealing--i'm a thief
the beast feasting
between my thighs
muffles my cries.

as it tells tales,
juvenile

wholesome before
fearful, seldom
moving forward

my bedspread
kicks me to couches
on grounds of love
that splinter
like my bored head,
backwards

still they’re stealing
myself from me
demons veiled, they're
feeding my lies
they make me vile

and years go by
i’m alive
fearful before
fearless--now i
can reign pawns

lo and
behold
the muzzles
my morals
adorn.

thoughts...
they seethe

put me at ease,
i never let them
go of me.
no one's stealing
my sins from me

eerie cries call
as moonshine dies
(they)
bring me to life
and for moments
juvenile

i'm numb no more,
fearsome
of none
but the morn

lo and
behold
the shackles my knuckles
fiend for

ghosts
i see
inhale me deep
they

never let me
never let me
never let me go
                       to
                       sleep.

it’s all a haze
i hope it’s just a phase
though these winter days
don’t feel the same.

i can’t ignore
the overwhelming way
i
miss
you.

the only thing containing me
is my eyes as they're rolling back
to see the silly name i gave you
when we were we
top the list of my
messenger’s screen

i’m certain i’m insane.

and certainly, i
would see no sanity
to claim vanity
in my extinct ability
to up and leave
i can’t leave

you.

so i only ask
you to stop
topping the list
my currently
rolling eyes
if they could see

would wish
they couldn't

see.

knights take shots
trying to steal my heart
steel it was till it was not

so let the sun tell them
no man's son can rob
what’s been long lost

gone

heaven is not on earth
but it is insulted
because only hellfire
knows of injustice

hey dad
remember when i was
only half bad
sometimes i do
but right now i can’t feel
half bad

i’m hazmat
as your suit
has had
my pursuit
of you
seem half-assed

before i press repeat
i remind myself to rewind
the mind i pay you
after i try to rinse my hand

i’m either asleep
or dreaming of dreams
but never in between
like the white light
that beams
on its way to my heart
halfway down
the ashy stream

May He forgive me for my role.
and my silence when you cried out for help
from me.

but hindsight
lagged behind
by a year
and that’s why
we’re here
where
20/20
is merely a year

i’m sorry i failed to see
what was right in front of me
i can’t say today
you’d be proud of me
because since you left
and it’s been just me here
i have yet to reflect
or face what’s left of me
let alone accept the rest
in peace
and so it will be
till you let me feel
you’ve accepted my apology
then we can rest in peace

i’m sorry
i’m sorry
i’m sorry

April 25, 2020 3:08am

i hereby present  
this
sacrificial offering
to you and your kin
men of any skin
indiscriminate of ticks
hands, time spans, or dimensions

it never meant
much to me
to start with.
none of my organs
can play melodies
and boycotting churches
doesn't help much--
weekdays or ends

i'm weak in the end.
you'll feast nonetheless.
i accept.
condescend what's left.
because i comprehend
that i can't live with myself
regardless.

and why fight the taste of bitterness,
when i've never tasted success.

- end

i can feel the crazy kicking in
kissing scrapes
my victim's suffering
scared shitless
shivering
splitting
like time
circling
around me
like rings of sharks
coming back
at once
for seconds

the ends of my hairs
are second guessing
their ends
like i do mine so often
wondering when
it’ll finally happen. extinction
the extent of my right
to expedite its presence
and whether i’ll be alright
feeling cheated
and leveled
knowing there’s no
hell
but there’s also
no heaven.

i can’t bear this silence
so i instigate
the flame distracts
i’m well aware
that though i often fall
there is a part of me
that never fails
and always grows

- end

i don't love you.
just love feeling...
                           you
              lift me high
           for an instant
      when you touch
     my battered skin.
until then, after that
  i
   am
         just
indifferent.

i’m* not
like them
afraid
of the
                 monster
lying
under
my bed

they asked
me how

i'm not
like them
i'm afraid,
i said,
that the
monster
laid
upon
my bed

- end

does it directly
affect me
or arouse sympathy
i have to screen
what i hear
i need to keep
from feeding
the screams
that used to
use me
i was used
to losing
to them
like my sleep
and me
once i lose
all my dreams
i warned
of how i’d be
and today they see
i mean well
till i mean
to be me
mean

nightmares say
i’m inspiring
nightmares say
they thought
i was only real
in their dreams

now they believe
in miracles
in me

can't think amidst this
chaotic conglomerate
coined companionship

screaming speakers
weak winstons
sinful sexes
indirect intentions

vicious voices
as if it's insufficiently
pacifistic
in this excessive thinking
my nemesis
feigns friends
concoctions
contradictions
composure
i uphold
to call
when they call upon
myself

sometimes i get caught giggling
by my eyes
in solace
till sagacious flashbacks
attack
i reminisce
in retrospects
those words of his
he chose to omit
their counterparts
which he transmits
with infinite tact
royalty don't smile
signal
leave who you lead
behind
holding their breaths
and possessive
obsessive
over more questions to ask
than answers to grasp
balance is a task
and who
if not you
is talented at
abandoning straight lines
that find themselves at last
lost
alone
in intricately
tangled tracks

- end

you ****** me up.
you broke my bones.
i helped you.
i let them be.
i didn't breathe a word to a
single
soul.

i don't know why.
only eight years
old.

sure, i've grown
anatomically
but that's all.

you'd be so proud of me--
how i carry your legacy.  
but it's not you
who ***** me up

any
more.

mother and father speak french
each with different dialects
they cause misunderstandings

big brother speaks greek
little brother, turkish
they might as well be strangers

i speak Jin (Chinese)
in my own home i live
with foureign members

the barrier between us causes battles
as if we were calloused enemies
all i wanted was to live in peace

so i went on to learn french dialects, two
greek and turkish, to(o)
promote room for healthy growth

i stood outside its door
looked down at my two feet and saw
a doormat reading "communication"

i had to step on it
so i could take a step forward
the worst part was seeing
foureigners uniting
to fight a common ene(me)
but i was determined
i though peace worked
so i worked for peace

but now i dread the trip home each night
and still i drive to a foreign land
till one day i jumped over the mat

and into the room to see
new embroidery on the wall
ever so eloquently reading

"make war not love"
in Jin (Chinese).

- end

You are not a breath of fresh air
but air itself.

we are what we hate
you say stop acting this way

asking why i'm somebody  else
whenever i start to shed my shell

i guess we really are exactly what we hate
and maybe really for me all i am is...

myself.

- end