dear mom.

i wish i could just talk to you
without having to play us both
or support your role
on a stage i set
all by myself
in exchange for a rested head

practice makes perfect
they said
but i perfected practice to death
i hope that explains why i left
and still head to the opposite end

where insane is the only right
i have left

and my head
a dead end
and my only
friend

hey dad
remember when i was
only half bad
sometimes i do
but right now i can’t feel
half bad

i’m hazmat
as your suit
has had
my pursuit
of you
seem half-assed

before i press repeat
i remind myself to rewind
the mind i pay you
after i try to rinse my hand

i’m either asleep
or dreaming of dreams
but never in between
like the white light
that beams
on its way to my heart
halfway down
the ashy stream

i hate a mess
but i’d hate
not seeing yours
all over my bedroom
floor
more

down on my knees.
i could be praying here.
instead
i’m preying on beasts
who prey on me.

pray for me

i’m in too deep.
drowning
in knee-deep tears
not nearly
as shallow as me.

you don’t get me
so you don’t get me
my knowledge of you
is barely rudimentary
and rue is a two way street

why did you beget me
only to regret me
forsake me
for your sake
i beg you

forget me
forget me

your fingertips outsink ships
my loose lips let slip

safety nets ripped
by ventriloquists twisted  
ripple effects affected
we inherited it
to trip or quadruple our
crippled-ness to depths infinite
abysses

if i’m not incorrect
those are my deformed forms
mine do detect
morphed to be torn between your two souls
as ours do so so well as well
how well illy we’re reflected

your heartbeat is ******
unredemeed and restless
as are feared our fearful existences
deemed rested contingent without exception
upon only our
respective
breathlessness
even graves can’t reject we the grave rejects

if life must be empty
my pens must be
its attempts at repentance
salvage my savagery by any means
just or unjust
just not at my hands expenses

and Father: take heed
beg mercy with sincerity

like sentences hence
life sentences end
and poets
us devils
from heaven
raise hell

bored in a beautiful palace
with waterfalls and hands uncalloused
was a bystander when it all happened
and in their happiness
they struggle to understand
me
hapless