does it directly
affect me
or arouse sympathy
i have to screen
what i hear
i need to keep
from feeding
the screams
that used to
use me
i was used
to losing
to them
like my sleep
and me
once i lose
all my dreams
i warned
of how i’d be
and today they see
i mean well
till i mean
to be me
mean

nightmares say
i’m inspiring
nightmares say
they thought
i was only real
in their dreams

now they believe
in miracles
in me

i’m worn
like these scars
that won’t let go
even when i go
why because

the show must go on
always of course
never off course
even if i’ve been
off
cloning the track
that lacks foot molds
in an ongoing
marathon

no one warned me
of what would come
from wars
we would’ve won
had i
thought
all the ones
i lost
could
have been
mine and yours

now all that’s ours
is the loss  
they keep saying
they’re sorry for

he embezzled thousands
of me
endlessly
dressed in no
skin
resembling
white sheep

the wolves insist
it’s not him
incessantly
investors with cheeks
pen checkered checks
and i bleed

their flushed flesh
left me
and for a full year
i sat and still weep
overfilled till deep
i pressed down on me
to let my heart beat
me free as those tears
i now let leak leaps

the shepherd believes
he breeds herds of meals
who tell him they teeth
on sights of him meek
i hear him repeat
this isn’t me

a bitter pill
is better sweet
reality
is bittersweet

perhaps i’m him
and he is me
and all along
the wolves
were sheep

misspelled
what i meant
so well
my cell
saw no reason
to check
choke
child*
who am i
to protest
synonyms

believe me
even my best
most seemingly sweet
intentions have stemmed
from seeds i can’t stress
as less than selfless
at best

why care.

or claim
i can’t wait
for it to end
yesterday felt
the same

and what’s tomorrow
but yet another today

happy to be sad
wouldn’t it be different
were i to be indifferent
if i have to have happy
as nonexistent
and haphazardly
corner myself in between
apathy and agony
not in-distant
i’m insistent  
that if neither
and each must
be me
for me
and to me
i’m happy here
with indifference

to try
without fail
never is to triumph
always is to fail

without fail.