Every kiss you make,
  memories will cross your mind,
      and you will feel my lips once more.
         Forever tied in unyielding song forever on repeat.

When you are angry at him and you yell,
    Just remember. . .
       Some of us wish we could see him, talk to him, yell at him.
             Life is cruel and fast always 𝓒𝓱𝓮𝓻𝓲𝓼𝓱 it.

Life has made me write poems,
for others they have created poems,
I live vicariously through their moments,
each kiss, each love, each heartache.

Life has made me write secrets,
of others nightly silhouettes,
full of passion, full of grace, full of desire,
each touch, each stroke, each breath.

Life has mocked me with the moon,
with all its grace that illuminates you at night,
as you take flight oh sweet moth towards its light.

Life has scorned me,
  taken from me, broke me,
        now I write poems,
          and live 𝓛𝓲𝓯𝓮 through others.
             for I fear to 𝓵𝓲𝓿𝓮 𝓶𝔂 𝓸𝔀𝓷.

Have you ever felt the pain?
Not of dying, not of love.
Not of pain, but of a word with no escape.
It's silence is deadly, like an ardent comet full of expression,
devouring your mind, body and soul, never blooming into existence.
Have you ever felt this pain?

@ 3AM
melancholy state of mind,
  wishing you were,
    yearning for this real life simile to end.
      hoping today is the day I do not compare anyone to you.
        for I love you and hate you,
           save me from this ᴊᴜxᴛᴀᴘᴏꜱɪᴛɪᴏɴ
.

NAN
You write about heartbreak, then comedy.
Opening up, only to close yourself in fear.
You write about happiness, then about losing and longing.
As you lie and try to convince yourself, erasing your desire.

ADP
In those early morning hours, I create my own galaxy.
A place free of fear, free of losing, free of loving.
For every moment of longing becomes a star,
tainting my perfect cosmos with memories.

NAN
You create imaginations, mechanisms of coping.
You build your walls high, they make me want to climb it.
You build your galaxy, full of gloom and curiosity,
   a mysterious code I want to decipher.

ADP
Two kids lay in the stars, dreaming.
As if dreams could erase hunger.
Two adults lay in the stars, loving.
As if love could stop time.
Two souls become one,
Until two becomes one . . forever alone.
All that is left is broken, ugly and spiteful what is there to decipher ?

NAN
I want to see . . .
   Each window past, present and now.
I want to see. . .
   The happiness that oozes from your lips.
I want to see. . .
   The dark and unrelenting sea of your depression.
I want to smell. . .
   perfumes, coffee on your breath, and your 1 am scent.
I want to feel. . .
   the pain in your heart and the pulse of its song.

I want you.

- NAN & A Dead Poet ✌

Forgive me I am broken,
     I throw myself in strangers arms,
            for warmth?
                  for love?
                      for happiness?
Forgive me for being profoundly hopeless,
   for if love is a game, I ****.
      They took him from me,
         no green mushrooms to bring him back,
              no rainbow stars,
                     hard, cold, reality.
Forgive me for it does not hurt when a stranger 🄻🄴🄰🅅🄴🅂

115 degree days of misery,
  under larger than life palm trees.
    Sipping a cold crying can of coke.
       oversized sunglasses by the community pool,
          I hope they hide my gaze.
              lust at first sight, ꜱᴜᴍᴍᴇʀ at a glance.

Take me to the stars away from my endless state of misery,
Take me away from narcotic induced happiness,
       Hold my hand pull me out of the sea of demons,
              that pulls me back in, take me away.
Pick me up in your beat up old chevy, as we ride the cosmos.
   Tell me its okay, make the voices go away.
      Hold me tight, until the shaking stops.
Take me away, from this endless song of ꜱᴏʀʀᴏᴡ.
▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃
┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊
┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ˚✩ ⋆｡˚ ✩
┊ ┊ ┊ ✫
┊ ┊ ︎✧
┊ ┊ ✯
┊ . ˚ ˚✩

Every moment was a falsehood,
    "I love you" is "I hate you" masked with wanting ; its cheap makeup.
         With his life ending, his last thought was remorse.
             Remorse for time wasted, cheap words, and you.
                Oh! sad little clown! "I love you" on the marquee,
                      what a performance, cheap, comical, old.
                          

                         -A clown named 𝓐 𝓭𝓮𝓪𝓭 𝓹𝓸𝓮𝓽

Clung to you and cried,
  I begged you not to die,
      for the moon forgiving blessed us with another sun.
         I held your hand,
           I broke down,

How selfish, all the time it was me, me, me.
    Not your pain,
        not your peace,
            nor your sleep,

I am a selfish and a weak fool.
   who fears to be ａｌｏｎｅ

𝒞𝒶𝓃 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒽𝑒𝒶𝓇 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝑒𝒸𝒽𝑜?
𝓎𝑜𝓊𝓇 𝓋𝑜𝒾𝒸𝑒 𝑒𝒸𝒽𝑜'𝓈 𝒾𝓃 𝓂𝑒. . .
𝓸𝓷𝓮 𝓿𝓸𝓲𝓬𝓮 𝓪𝓵𝓸𝓷𝓮
   𝓾𝓷𝓭𝓲𝓼𝓽𝓾𝓻𝓫𝓮𝓭
         𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓻 𝓿𝓸𝓲𝓬𝓮 𝓲𝓼 𝓪𝓵𝓵 𝓸𝓯 𝓶𝓮

Little Boy,
  you care too much. . .
     you love too much. . .
        you give too much. . .

Put your dreams first!
   𝒯𝒽𝒶𝓉'𝓈 𝓈𝑒𝓁𝒻𝒾𝓈𝒽
It's not your responsibility!
   𝐼 𝒸𝒶𝓇𝑒
Go, run, be free!
  𝐼 𝒸𝒶𝓃'𝓉

You loved them so much, they became your burden.
   You cared so much, they became your illness.
      You gave them all, they became your death sentence.
-𝚢𝚘𝚞

Reality is reductive,
  mundane tasks,
      mundane days,
         wishing for the best to come.

Wanting what we can't have,
               Craving what is wrong,
                     Forgetting what we have,

over and over again,
   Reality is  ░r░e░d░u░c░t░i░v░e░

Sacred body, yes; that which I have fully explored and mapped.

Scattered tattered walls,
  cracked and broken from each strike.

Pillars structurally not sound, against all condemnation,
  you beat, longing, wanting, leading us to a calamity.

Body, yes ; my sweet beloved.
  we know each other you and I.
     Stop, hear my plea; please stop.
         Don't beat, don't long, don't want,
               He will be our 【Ｅｎｄ】

Where is the color?
    Red , blues & orange hues.
Where is the sound?
    Singing Birds, overplayed love songs on repeat.
Where is the smell?
    Cheap coffee blends on your breath.
Where is the touch?
    Rough, gentle, callused hands.

Drifting in an endless tide of nothingness,
    Dark, silent, odorless nights.
         "I love you" loses its luster,
            "Forever" loses it shine
                 Bliss becomes sorrow,
                     Tears become strength,
                        Ashes becomes flame,
                            Red knees of prayer become sore feet,
                               I look in the mirror and find peace. . .
I learned to love again,
      not for you,
            but for me,
                 I learned to say "I love you" to the man in the mirror,
                    Accept, learn and stand once more.
                        Its easy being with you, but hard being alone.
                            Thank you my old beloved.

I curse the mockingbird,
  that sings to mock me. . .
I curse his song,
  that brings him joy and happiness. . .
Insuperable, ugly, disgusting song. . .
  mocks me for my loneliness
I curse the mocking bird and his mate. . .
   that laugh at me as they mate
I curse the mockingbird and its happiness. . .
   for in it, I see a past long gone with no future.

I curse myself
   for in my song
        I lost you
          I am
         αℓσηє

Forgive me,
I am a cheater, a breaker of vows, a breaker of love.
   through ardent passion,
     I found a thrill,
       no a dream,
         that I call my own,
             he smiles,
                and I forsake you,
                     he speaks,
                        and I fall to my knees,
                           he touches me,
                             and I fail you
forgive me,
  hypocrisy,
     un-pure, yellow, tainted I pray to you. . .
        and through his kiss ,
            I 𝐛𝐞𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐲 you.

I stopped into a church
I prayed for him to go away
Everyday the sky is gray . . .
I cried , he looked at me & I died. . .
      "Please go away"
             "leave me alone"
                   "stop staring"
unanswered pleas down on my knees
                        I 𝕡𝕣𝕒𝕪
               but he never goes away
                         -𝔯𝔢𝔣𝔩𝔢𝔠𝔱𝔦𝔬𝔫

Yes, I dream, I live, I wander afield
    lost under starry sky's, interweaved in stormy sea
Lost in fascinations of a declining mind.

Yes, I dream- lost to past thoughts
    I hold the stars, conquer the waves of my own mental damnation. . .  
& yet - from past memories there is no escape. . . past touch, past scents I FALL APART for, you set off this dream in me,
       but its a dream, that is all it will be
                           -A Dream

"you can be anything"-mama said
       But I couldn't, I wanted to be his
            Death took him from me
                 -𝚌𝚛𝚞𝚎𝚕 𝚒𝚛𝚘𝚗𝚢

I can spend thousands of dollars and hours,
  only to look in the mirror,
    & notice everything I am not.
        - ɪ ꜰᴀʟʟ ᴀᴘᴀʀᴛ

Solitude becomes a choir,
  An illuminating echo that turns into a horrid cacophony.
        Harsh reminder of a dreamer who could not dream,
                    A painter who could not paint . . .  
                          A singer who could not sing . . .
                                Come and calm this song, Come and save me,
                                     From this anxiety, that steals the value of my life.  
______________
Fireworks explode, they color your eyes.
     Do not sing, do not paint, do not dream, simply write.

Artistry cannot erase desire.
   But it can fuel your fire and desire.

Let each stroke, give you sensations.
   Of my hand on yours, a state of warmth and delight.

Nonetheless when you suffer,
      And beg for “HELP!” know.
                I am never.
                         -🄵🄰🅁

Red, White , Blue and even purple too!
    The most sensational being,
                 on warm summer day.
                    Frigid, Cool and collected,
                         Beautiful until you melt
                  your insides show, molt and transform into a monstrosity
                                       -🅿🅾🅿🆂🅸🅲🅻🅴

Interweave my dreams in the wind,
       blind stars in my eyes,
             endless sensations on my soul,
                  enamored and enraptured in your sea
                      which beats upon my door
                           your sea which leaps into my frigid heart,
                                waves of unwanted passion,
                                     fear and pain play in the air,
                                         Emotions long lost,
                                               awakened once more,
                                                      you whisper "let me in"
                                                           my silence speaks volumes
                                                                    "free me"

“words don’t hurt.”
    They only build bridges to the most hidden isles of our being,
Bridges which illuminate our most hidden, self-hate, doubt and pain.
               & as our very being walks the hidden bridge,
                    They enrapture, take us down, into the dark abyss.
                         Pleading, begging, hurtful, angry words,
                              Pull us down, down, down, until we are submerged.
                                      Pointless words that entangle and drown you.
                                                   So, no they do not hurt,
                                                            They slowly ᴋɪʟʟ

Give me your hand, give me your love.
Give me your hand, while we dance in purgatory.
An insignificant event, a moment in time.
Maybe five minutes, that is all we will be.

Qualm my steady heart in this dance together,
a simple reminder of each second that passes muffled by heartbeat,
While “our” song plays, “our” insignificant song.
Maybe three minutes long, that is all we are.

You gaze into my eyes, and I peer in your soul.
Our names become lost; they no longer matter.
For our love, song and dance are lost in time,
For that is all we were, two lovers, insignificant, lost to 🆃🅸🅼🅴

His face obscure,
  but not hidden from your embrace,
     sweet unyielding radiant moon,
         I gaze upon your grace with jealousy,
               for I know upon your mirror,
                  he gazes in sweet reverie,
                       and the reflection he longs for,
                                is not me,
                                      but ᕼIᗰ

Longing for you,
  makes me contemplate.
     If this love is self hate.
         hate for a bird that can not sing.
            hate for a bird that wants to spread its wings.
                 hate for an ugly pigeon who dreams of being a dove.
you are everything
      I am ᑎOT

I used to hate the color brown,
   a constant reminder of marginalization
        of feeling innate. . .
            
But in brown. .
  you have red . . .
       yellow. . .
          &  blue. . .
             & every hue in-between

a gentle reminder,
     that brown is the dirt,
         that holds a field of flowers,
              so radiant, bright and colorful
                   which could not exist
                             without their foundation
                                    and with that
                                          I smile
                                                with ᴘʀɪᴅᴇ

When you lose everything,
    the saying goes "get back up and try again"
         but how do you get back up
            when every feeling, every word, of my past
                no longer exists in the physical world,
                     trying means being awake,
                        but I want to sleep,
                             for in dreams,
                                   I feel you,
                                   once more.

I used to envy others,
    and constantly ask why?
          but each time I asked why,
             a cut opened in my soul,
                  in endless cycle that would not heal.
It became unrecognizable,
      from my own Ⓐⓑⓤⓢⓔ

Beautiful sunlight,
  and sunrays which ooze life,
      a tranquil reminder of another day,
          another day I wished for it all to end.
               Beautiful Moonlight,
                   whose rays you can not escape,
                      a constant reminder of my jealousy and hate.
                          another day I looked towards the stars,
                           only to outline your smile so intoxicating and bright.

So I said to the Moon, The Sun and the Stars
      " Why do you mock me?"
               then came the reply through the rain,
                   each drop , never alone
                        a mocking reminder
                            I am αʅσɳҽ. . .

Blood stained sheets,
   the smell of **** and ****,
      creases in white linen , never looked so colorful
          endless rivers of tears and anguish,
              dreary flowers in drool stains,
                    if sheets could talk. . .
                        they would beg "please stop"
                            above a never ending bedrock of old mattress springs,
                               that groin and creak,
                                   a tectonic shift of emotions,
                                         disturbed by a thunderous voice
                                               " clean yourself up, sorry"

a reminder you had your way. . .
         -ŘÃƤẸ

Ay mi amor,
  sangre de mis venas,
     lleno de amor
       por la patria
          las legendes de ridículo
              Comida de de los indios
ay mi amor
    lloro por ti,
        por el dia
           que visito los montes
               con su monasterios,
                   de dios. . .

Yellow flowers of 𝐜𝐞𝐦𝐩𝐚𝐬𝐮𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥,
  we mourn and come upon their pupils,
      under the many colors of papal picado,
        endless rainbow of sweet emotion,
                a distant reminder of what past,
                         what is gone,
                               & what is eternal

I am sustained in you,
  your words penetrate the darkest caverns of my soul,
        your being is the vertigo of my fantasy,
           I fall at your knees, and drink from your springs,
                your very essence fills me,
                       an endless reminder of my fear,
                                my loss of breath,
                                            for I am sustained in you,
                                                         I hesitate, to let this dream end.
& I know this wanting of belonging,
    is a reflection of me onto you,
        but yet in the silence,
             my soul cries for you!
                    my sweet 𝓃𝒾𝓇𝓋𝒶𝓃𝒶

The world does not stop,
    from the trees,
          to the birds,
            always 𝓂🏵𝓋𝒾𝓃𝑔,
               and I towards my tomb.

We are a flame,
   with age we grow,
        brighter,
           stronger,
             more ardent than the stars above,
                with age we die
                    to illuminate the next life.

I cried and cried,
   & the bird sang to me,
I cried and cried
   & the sun dripped his warm nectar onto me
I cried and cried
   & the moon with its endless reminder of beauty mocked me
So I dried my eyes,
  & laid in a quilt of grass
      in earthen sheets
         I went to sleep and forget,
              until I cry 𝒶𝑔𝒶𝒾𝓃.

Life is a chasm of dark solitude,
   my dear eternal love,
        I wish with my all heart,
            to close my eyes,
                 and meet in a sweet embrace.
                       for this pain is unforgettable,
                             I lose myself to a sea of my emotions,
                                               I drown in tears and sorrow,
Yet life is cruel,
    when I lose my breath,
       it pulls me up in a state of melancholy,
          I mourn, I mourn, and mourn
            in this punishment of damnation
               to live in solitude, longing for death
                       a death which does not come
                            so we can love once more.
                                my dear 𝑒𝓉𝑒𝓇𝓃𝒶𝓁 𝓁💮𝓋𝑒

December 30th, 2012

So pure and young, sweet love.
              I'm trapped in your song,
                    I wonder what you'd say,
                                I am completing your dream,
                                               Dr., Dr., Dr., that is all you'd say.
Sweet love,
  you are the silence in my eyes,
       the reason I cry at night, the reason I try so hard to live.
           yet, like raindrops in the summer heat,
               each moment passes like a blur,
                    a reminder that I could have done more,
                       so my sweet love I ask,
                             "are you ashamed of me"
                                 " are you ashamed of what I become"
                                       & in the unknowing,
                                           I know and weep
                                                for I fear your response,
                                                       when we meet.
                                                               ѕωєєт ℓσνє

Coffee at 5 o' clock,
   just another reminder I ****** up.
      two souls united ,
          beautifully in perfect  harmony.
              now they pull apart,
                    the sound of a closing door,
                      and another piece of my heart.
                          Longing for more, Ꝉօղցìղց ƒօɾ Ӏօѵҽ

The smell of salt and butter
    under endless sea of lights,
       lost in their own right
         under the sound
           of a movie about true love,
two hands meet in the darkness,
      What is this sharpness in my heart?
         Please take it for a second,
                  help me ƒì× ìէ
.

stroke of madness at my pillars,
  the dark blue sea that fills your eyes,
      break me to the very essence of my weak core
          you see through my impetuous being.

Words, words, they are just words
   but they change the very of aura of my spirit.
      clawing, at the soft bark,
           the rip down my pillars,
                 bring down my wall,
                     your sea rough , tumultuous, unyielding.

I wish I had a million balloons,
to tie and lift me higher,
      and rise above it all
            but your in your ocean,
                 I love myself,
                     drown,
                         fall
                          &
               I call it
                          l̶o̶v̶e̶

He was a giver,
   he gave and he gave,
      warm bodies were comfort,
          even if they cost a good cent.
They were takers,
     they took and took,
         until nothing was left,
             even if they knew it was wrong.
Both sides played the same song,
   until, he became ill,
     he begged and begged,  
        for salvation,  
           only to meet damnation,
              stormy sky's formed,
                "lift me up"
                    "𝒹❁𝓃'𝓉 𝓁𝑒𝒶𝓋𝑒 𝓂𝑒"
                        the sky laughed mockingly,
                             he was alone.
                                 sky's cleared,
                                      he lay,
                                         naked,
                                           defeated,
                                              alone.
They wore black,
    They cried out their souls,
        Warm bodies called out his name,
            that's all he wanted,
               but it falls on deaths ears.

Little Brown Bird,
   in the clutches of your design,
      free your cage
           & ƒ𝐋𝐲

The pain begins tonight,
unimaginable torture of my own mental design,
   left under an imaginary starry sky,
    warm desert breeze, smell of rotten pine.
       my melancholy turns in your hand,
          lift me up, raise me up,
             help me become stronger.
                Let the sun, drip and fill the honey in my eye.
                   & take me out of this darkness.
                           𝓈𝒶𝓋𝑒 𝓂𝑒, 𝒽𝑒𝓁𝓅 𝓂𝑒 𝓇𝒾𝓈𝑒

What little hope was left,
   was gone, both the body and mind
       throne into an endless ᶜ𝔥σ𝐀Ｓ of disarray
           you said be calm,
               but where is the calm to my breaking heart,
                   where is the calm to its torturous bombs,
       each explosion a contortion of emotions, happiness, memory
                "be still my heart, please"
                       where is the calmness when I blame you,
                              when you a dream becomes a mistake
                     "be still my heart"
                           take me with him,
where is the calm, when you closed your eyes like the comet that no longer burns?
     "take me with you"
           for I am weak,
                 I am nothing,
                   I am not me,
                      without,
                             you!

My heart is a lighthouse,
   each beat a cut in the endless human sea,
      a cut, in the grandeur of the dreary sky,
          it spins, and spins,
             each Ƥùl𝓈є full of light,
               until with time it fades,
                    a reminder,
                        of longing,
                             belonging,
                                 wanting,
                                     yet fulfilled.