Don't give me up,
I wanted to fight this pit in my chest,
but your hands, built a different home.
a beautiful garden, with a white picket swing,
and two souls that aren't mine,
I am just a ghost.

Don't give me up,
My love, a tumultuous sea of emotion,
of longing, of want, of pain.
this weight I carry in my chest,
where echoes of your laughter bloom,
but not for me.

Perhaps, in another life, in another time, in a distant future.
where sunlight is dark,
where rivers run backwards,
where clocks stand still,
we will meet again.
what is this pain? how unfair is this love. .  

Look at me, look at the battles I fought,
look the wars and bullets I took in silent rooms,
the pleas, the tears, I swallowed in the night,
you would see my hand, alone waiting for you warmth.

I asked you to choose,
what for? I already knew the answer.
you walked away, you didn't fight. . .
you fought for them, and left me on this battlefield in my chest,
broken, maimed, longing but above all loving,
someone who does not love me,
& that is the most painful thing in the world.
-Goodbye.

Dusty pages, amongst sullen skies of grey.
The smell of dry citrus and chamomile in the air,
my heart reaching for the heavens . . .
where your laughter once thundered down from above filling the chasms of solitude, of longing, of yearning to hear you once more.
To feel your touch, a slight warmth against my skin, turns to a ghost pain; for that is all that you bring.
My fingers trace your face across the yellowed photographs, your smile, so full of life, so full of dreams, all gone in a second. These memories that envelope me, free me, save me, they draw me into this dying sea.
As I float, I see myself, fractured, broken, reflecting what is gone.
But its not me, it is someone else that stares back at me,
mocks me, for he seems happy. . .  
& I know that can not be me.

8 Billion Souls in this world,
I continue to choose what god took away.
Longing for the day we meet again.

Echo:
I'm learning to love,
I'm lost, each moment plays in my head,
we made memories together, now you became one.
with the whisper of longing, the rustle of the soul,
I hear your echo in my heart everyday.

Star:
I'm learning to love,
I'm lost, each moment plays in my head,
we made memories together, now you became one.
A shooting star, ardent, bright, shimmering amongst the depravity of my own insanity. Shooting, instant, gone.

Silence:
I'm learning to love,
I'm lost, each moment plays in my head,
we made memories together, now you became one.
This silence in thoughts, kills me, it eats me up.
I yearn for your voice, I yearn for you to say "It's okay",
I yearn for your touch, I yearn for you.

Echo's, Stars & Silence
Every word, reminds me of you,
Every sound, every sight, everything.
Save me, save me, save me,
please, let me free,
let me love again, just say one thing.

"I love you"
"Don't go"
"Stay"
"Well work it out"

Words, hiding the crack , in our curated facade.
Longing for love, hearing the echoes of the space between,
I long for those words, in my empty eyes, this silent plea,
I beg you, say something,
anything, make me love you again.
make us love one another again.

The sky is brighter today, the air smells different.
Free of the stale promises, the flowers bloom a new path
unburdened by the weight of your lies and games.

No longer a ghoul, that haunts me in our own home.
No more whispers, no more glares,
No longer feeling the disappointment in my actions.

Life is a rainbow of multiple colors,
bursting from the clouded storm,
that shrouded my laughter, my forgotten melody re-learned

This is my time, this is my dance,
My spotlight, your words "it's over" guides me,
To draw myself ( loving myself), a masterpiece in progress,
you broke me, stripped me, caused me to hide,
but no longer, I am living for me,
I have the right to live life,
the right to be happy,
the right to live without you.

Within this sea, I find myself lost,
a lone ship, sailing across the tumultuous waves of my heart,
waves of passion, that break my hull.
Whispering confusion and discord, a sirens act.

I long to take the plunge, let its darkness and depths envelope.
To explore what could be, what is already taking place,
But my brain, the past trauma, and experiences anchor me down,
whisper of past flames, that sow doubt, that I cannot escape.

Therefore, I push you away, and choose this desolate place,
above your seas, my heart yearns for you, but this fear
keeps me from drowning into you,
I want to take the leap of love,
but these chains of a past flame hold me at bay,

I stand on the edge,
longing in desolate perpetude,
torn between the leap, and staying afloat,
to risk my hear again, or stay safe, longing in this solitude.

Is she worth it, the stress, the pain, the hurt?
The tears as you beg her not to leave.
Is it her smile? That brings you comfort and warmth?
Is it her anger and jealousy? That makes you feel wanted?
Is the scratches or the bruises? I hear your reasons why.
She breaks your heart, steals your pride.
Leaving you shattered, incomplete,
She is a parasite, that has you caught in her treacherous tide.
I want to yell, I love you, I am here for you, be happy.
But I know you don't love me in that way,
But you are strong enough, my friend, to love yourself,
to choose yourself, to leave.

This orchestra within my heart,
its constant hum, it takes over my soul.
Each string that is strung, each swing of the bow,
a reminder of the lost thats lost, and this yearning.

I yearn to see your face, your eyes,
I could have done more for you,
I could have re-done that moment,
I could have, I could have, I could have,
Please, stop this endless whisper in my heart.
I could have done more, I could have been more,
I could have loved more, I could have, I could have, I could have.
End it all, please, end this damnation,
For me to meet you once more.

Barefoot, on the concrete porch.
Quiet smiles and loving eyes.
We were young, dumb, but not naive.
Finding solace in one another's embrace,
yearning for love, but knowing its only lust.
For a second we built a world within this lie,
quiet understanding youthful truce.
we loved for a second in time,
amidst the ordinary beauty of life's simple refrains,
you kissed me goodbye, "I'll call you later", that was a life.
We both knew, our love was ardent and fast,
a refuge from the storm of solitude.

The sounds of his sleep-filled snores, a polyrhythm.
To the echoes in my aching hollowed chest,
His eyelashes, beautiful, but a constant reminder,
Of what was loved, lost, and still in the back of my mind.
In this anguish of the sleepless nights.

He tosses and turns, in his slumberous shifts, his hand seeks mine.
Comfort and warmth, instinct, but not delight.
In his touch, my stomach churns in disgust, at myself.
I yearn for your touch, I yearn for your warmth,
Your embrace, that seeks solace against my body, which is burning alive.

This cruel irony, he loves me so.
This closeness, this warmth,
whispered lies of "I love you"
eyes that trace the ceiling, each imperfection, a reminder of this imperfect life.
Each creak, of this house, of words unsaid.
Each snore, a measure of my acting in this trance,
Unbind me from this torture, unbind me from your love.
I miss you so , I miss you so, please set me free
so I can love again.

Rosemary Citrus, the scent of you clings, a shroud
of broken promises, whispered words of appeasement.
Your mouth, a strawberry, ripe upon the tongue,
sweet, smooth and beautiful, but this tune is already played out.

Your touch, a bitter sun that burned away the cold.
Your voice, a violent vine that ensnares my heart.
The memories, untamed, phantom limbs of pain.
"you need to lose weight", "you don't try hard enough", "stop complaining".

Save me , break me from you roots that hold me down.
Let me feel the fire again, as I am burning alive.
Embrace me in his grace, his fire, his warmth, that burns you away.
So go, sweet young love from yesterday.
I love you, I love you, I love you,
but I choose to love myself.

The crinkle by your eye,
red flustered cheeks,
when your sly smiles starts to rise,
warms my soul.

Keep smiling, keep laughing,
your happiness, a buzzball of fun.
Invigorating, inviting & pure.
filling this world with delight.

Smile, always smile and be happy.

Caged bird weeps, in the shade of the saguaro,
Caged bird that sings a song of lamentation, for love betrayed.
My heart is filled, by the fervour in its pain.
He wishes upon a star, that is already wished on.

So I raise my glass, to stars and heavens above.
Pious fool, that expresses his desire,
to make his love mine,
Please let our souls become intertwined, so I can let go of this caged bird and its sad little song.

You found the hidden meadow,
enveloped in its fragrance.

So handsome, dark and tall.
Intoxicating thoughts that swirl the mind.

Please, soul don't weep.
for he is my moon, the stars and my king.

My heart is racing,
My arms are shaking,
Please set me free, for you belong to another.
So please, set me free,
let me be, free.

Citrus, rosemary and peppermint (from the hot chocolate you hate)
under the Christmas lights (of the mall you hated),
these memories, push them out.

Our laughter at your stupid jokes ( I hated),
stolen glances, and a given kiss,
amongst the cold outdoor desert air.

Poets of passion,
writing stories of love on our skin,
a language of desire and longing.

Your ink forever stains my heart,
a reminder, that I am not happy,
that I am not good enough,
that I am forever mourning.

My heart which longs to fickle,
it longs to belong, someday, find another.
Yet it is chained, with a fragile ember,
amongst your ink that stains it.
That refuses to die, that you are alive,
you are breathing, you are here, you never left.
( I hate myself)
(I hate myself)
(I am a fool)
I wish to hear your stupid joke, "what did the horse say. . ." (what a stupid joke) once more.

This love that echoes, in the chasm of longing.
  Whispers of winds, of lovers in a life before.
      Bound by a love that pierces the veil of time,
           Ethereal, Eternal, Fleeting Love.
              Two souls conjoined in purgatory,
                   beat with a single heart.
                      Forever bound, to conjoin, but drift apart
                          in this dance, let us hope we are given a second chance.

You're happier without me,
I know I wasn't what you wanted.
Please, say you miss me, even though we both know you don't.
Say you love me . . . once more.

The smell of melons & sweat,
from your cheap clean shampoo, amongst the dreary rain.
Two wet lips met, in your ancient truck.
We'd talk about our future, as I lay my head on your lap.
Time was trivial, just the thrill of eyes that may see.
I want to be loved,
I want to be yours,
In another life, we will meet again
amongst the smell of melons, muddy cleats & ***** rain.
I want to be loved,
I want to be yours 𝒶𝑔𝒶𝒾𝓃

I remember the tears,
I remember the hurt,
I remember the fear
There was no food, no money, just yells of desperation.
Life was mundane, or maybe it was the hunger?
I vowed, I would never suffer , cry or go hungry that day.
& yet I did all three this week, its ironic.
You can have everything in the world , everything you dreamed.
Everything you wanted. . . but still feel so powerless,
life is a roller coaster, we are its occupants.
I will vow again, but that will just be lying.

Across the room, you smile.
Hand in hand with your child,
her arm locked around yours, eyes bright full of gold.
"what a beautiful family" someone comments.

But I know the darkness, the hidden, the bad dream.
The tears, the echo in your soul,
that screams as you're trapped.

Their joy is built, on your pain.
Each step you take to run away, each memory that pulls you back.
The deceit, the despair, the life you built.
Your own punishment for pushing away what we both know.

Our love a vibrant tapestry of love and whispered promises,
painted black, consumed by the anguish in my heart.
this dull ache that blooms in my chest,
that rips and cracks at my ribs,
the truth, pushes my facade.
I am not okay, those instagram photos, its not me, thats not okay.
But there is not a world where we don't collide,
where our souls diverge,
the truth, reverberates through this longing soul,
you're better without me,
don't stay, don't fight it, run, take your things. . .
I'll be okay, I'll love you forever,
that is why I am giving up this fight,
let there be one fool in a broken love. . . so please live.

I'm tired of waiting,
with open arms and this longing heart,
this anxiety of hearing your voice,
this dread of dreaming. . .
of those nights, past, present and fictitious
I am tired of waiting,
until we meet in our next life.

Turn off the lights,
hide my flaws,
just love me in the dark.

The song of youth is quick, the curtain falls.
It concludes from grandeur to silent halls.
No more applause, No encores,
Just chasms amongst the skin, as shadow linger, memories ache.
Will you still love me? Asking the question you already know.
Changes nothing. . .

The room spins, in our mind this is a silent waltz.
Two alcohol induced souls, the musics gone,
the lights are low , yet we dance and continue to put on our show.

No more twirls, no dipping low
Just whispers between two strangers,
Your eyes, mirrors. Reflecting a heart thats incomplete,
a lonely soul.

The dancing's done, the night is dark,
yet in this anguish, I contemplate,
was it love or lust? the silence of my own anguish,
Longing for love, wondering if was the stranger at the bar.

My heart drifting in your longing,
yearning for my time to come around, to meet deaths cold sweet embrace.

I miss you.

Another coffee, for the grind.
We are but cogs, empty minded.
Bags of rotting flesh, empty hearted.
Trapped in routine, stuck in conformity,
our light dims, no fanfare, no applause,
just an echo of life's callous law.

Your voice, a haunting melody, a mournful plea.
Your touch, poison to my heart,
Chained to your embrace, as this darkness creeps and takes a toll.
We are broken mirrors, reflecting pain,
these shattered fragments, that love forgo's,
two souls conjoined in this venomous vine.
awaiting the afterlife where our souls can hopefully align.

Tonight we dance our morbid dance,
through whips, bruises and chains,
plunge head first into dark temptations,
we navigate this tempestuous sea.
When sanity wanes, this chase leads to an end,
lost in this chained rhythm, of two lustful souls yearning for love.
But forever in pain.

I want to text you,
    I love you. . .  
        only to delete it , rewrite it and delete it again.
              In an endless cycle of words I can not express.

5 a.m., off to work
6 a.m., huffs and puffs I am running late
8 a.m., mundane calls
10 a.m, mundane lunch
12 a.m., longing for it to to be 8 p.m.
tick, tock, tick, tock
hours and mintues pass
only to repeat again tomorrow.

He loses his beauty,
loses his grace,
loses his wit,
until he is no more,
until there is nothing left to pick.
He gives freely, begging the sky for grace.
But he is confined to hell, all in the name of those he loves.
Time does not forgive.

I'm tired of waiting,
with my arms empty in embrace,
of my eager heart yearning to hold you,
I thought about those delights of the days and nights.
Fictitious thoughts of true love the heart that longs.

The world is black and white,
darkness and sounds at birth, darkness and sounds at death.
We yearn to change the world, dreamers, confined to reality.
To truly live, not just pass the minutes, hours, and days.
𝖘𝖆𝖛𝖊 𝖒𝖊 from my mundane existence.

The scars on my hands,
remind me of each scratch,
strangers, dates, fear, anxiety, leads to scratch.

The scars on my hands,
remind me of the itching that stopped,
when you held them and said "stop"

Tattoo & regrets,
laughs, throw up, drinks, oh sweet memories.
Of when we we're young and in love.

Weight gains and wrinkles,
anxiety, fear, longing
leads to new scars on each hand.

Arguements and cheating,
tears, anger, violence,
three becomes two, just me and the dog.

Time does not forgive,
happiness is not eternal,
memories replay and replay, what could I have done differently?
Tell me to "stop" please stop this itch, stop these scars from forming.
As I long until we meet again in another life. . .

-𝐿𝑜𝓃𝑔𝒾𝓃𝑔

"Because you are getting fat"
I don't believe in you, but I adore you.
I used to be happy, I used to be confident.
But then I met you. I know that I choose and live this life.
But I am weak around you, so I implore you,
Be kind, Be genuine, Be nice. .
For I lose my strength, poor me, I am a fool.
A lost stupid fool.

Just a pinch to plump,
Just a pinch to get rid of the lines,
Just a pinch to shrink the neckline,
Just a pinch to lose the weight,

Just some pain to reshape,
Just some pain to change,
Just some pain to become who I am,

I don't know how to feel,
   knowing I'm sad again in this mirror,
          Just some more cuts,
                    Just some more pain,
What can go wrong? As I run from myself,
      Only to see him in the mirror everyday. . . .

I am dying strangely, love does not **** me.
My heart is still beating, death does not yet visit me.
I am dying of these memories, a would of longing.
Do you feel my pain?
This memory, that has rooted itself in my soul.
It ***** away all happiness & sadness, why does it not bloom?
This memory of you I can not erase,
Time does not forgive , I lost myself more and more in your old embrace.

The innumerable ties, that you gave me.
The childish tricks, that you deceived me.
I'd rather be dead, then forgotten.

Our love is made of unspoken silence,
Closed lips that age and ripen,
inside our broken heart.
Our heart which weeps the soul,
agonizing, arduous, still. .  
why, do we keep it in,
only to sustain this anguish,
hundreds of words , to three, to silence.

Remember, the cold desert breeze.
The strange silence  after the cicada's song has gone to sleep.
Bare concrete floors, a broken down door.
An old computer desk with D+J carved into the wood.
Beat up old bed, with a lone gaga poster on the wall.
How, we thought we were "different",
When you'd tell me on the phone, "its going to be okay, I'll run away with you".
I dreamed of a warm home, now I have three.
I dreamed of a car, now I have four.
I dreamed of money, now I have too much to count.
I was cold,
                Hungry,
                          Angry,
But at least I had you.
from diapers until 23. . . we were always together . .
Almost a decade later and I wonder if you are still up there
gazing at me.
    If you are proud of who I became.

I'm sorry for saying I love you. . .
Can we go back to yesterday,
when we were best friends?

If I smiled more the first night,
If I laughed at your joke on the third birthday party we celebrated,
If I tried harder.
each night is the same,
a different memory, a different critique If . .
What could be different?
Where is the fault?
If I changed that minute detail.

Would you have stayed ꨄ

Moonlight, you which gazes down on me . . .mockingly.
I see your light, I see your smile, I see your mockery.
I kick, scream, reach , plead , gasp for air,
in this ocean of regret, age, and despair.
"Let me be free", "Let me escape"
But this is no fairy tail, this is life.
From a child who cried when they could not finish the lunch their mother worked so hard to buy.
To a man, who's shackles of love, family, devotion and pride only pull me down deeper, deeper, deeper into my own excruciating extremities.  

What are these feelings of longing, of fear, of despair, that have yet to occur?Why do they hold me?
What is this anxiety?
Dear heart, please change your pulse only for me,
let me be free, let me forget all their faces, let me be me. . .
I plead, I plead and I plead. . .
No one is listening, Nobody cares. . .
Only the moon which gazes upon me notices, but only to mock me. .

The peach tree died today,
dried from inside,
there is no butterflies, no bees, no birds that feast.
lie to me & tell me its okay.
Invent a story or two,
tell me the tap broke, tell me you fell asleep.
Just don't speak the unspoken truth, that you were busy with them.
As I was away dreaming of our future white picket fence. . .

Written words,
can not describe everything I do for you.
I write
I write
I write
For you
Thousands of similes, hundreds of metaphors,
smells, sounds, emotions, feelings.
Yet no words can describe why I write for you.
Ironic right.