I.

The pen
Taps
Against my leadened desk,
All reverberating echoes and
Roaring staccatos:

Something to keep the soldiers
Rooted
In the chalkboard trenches alive-

A cackling reminder of
Freedom.

II.

Peeled away is the blissful world of
Morphine-addled haze
And round edges

The smell of pine trees
And Monday Vendetta.

Up in smoke.
Offered to the gods.
The great big furnace in the sky—

I carry them with me in an ashen urn.

As the days pass
A rhythmic stutter
Lumps
At the bottom of my throat.

You would never make me happy.
But sometimes I long to abandon all,
In sadness, fall
To melancholy pleasure
Forever.

I should have
What I deserve
Shouldn't I?

I thought it would stop happening
With distance,
But it doesn't.

I am ashamed.

I feel that every time I write
It is a new betrayal,
But I can't help it.

I keep thinking of the movie
Where the girl wipes all memories of her ex-lover from her brain.
Would I do that, if I could?
You aren't my ex-lover,
But I love you,
And I wish I didn't.

I am ashamed.

Confusion is more than a mental state
For me right now,
It's a mindset.
I embrace it.

There are multiple worlds in my head.
I'm living them all.

I am ashamed.

Detached,
Separate,
Lost,

These three words embodied the feeling that i have,
Lost in space,
Lost in time,
Separate from society,
Separate from my family,
Detached from this body,
Detached from this mind,

Its like a rain drop falling from the highest cloud,
Falling with no destination,
Falling on a path to destruction,

Its like a leaf falling from the highest branch in autumn,
Dead,
Dropped,
Left behind,
Nothing to hold it in place,
Nothing to keep it living,

Its like my mind had emptied,
Like a dam opens the flood gates and lets it all out,
Noting left inside,
But the mechanics of a living thing,
Hardly living at that,

These mechanics just wering away,
Keep going like its on auto pilot,
Just moving working with no path or destination in mind,
Just a machine,
Just a thing,

Detached,
Separate,
Lost,

These three words represent how i feel,
Left on auto pilot,
An unknown destination,
Just moving and working.