I think this is karma kicking me in the stomach
I do not wish to eat
I do not wish to do much of anything really
This isn't a poem
It's more of an outpouring
Someone walks into my life who I am for once willing to do anything for and they want nothing to do with me. He wants to run from me as I did from you.
Is this how you felt when I left you?
When I broke your heart and shattered your dreams?
When I ****** your best friend to make you hate me so I could get away from you?
Is this how you felt for me?

Being in your shoes, losing the person I would drop my life for is beyond heart wrenching.
Is there even enough adjectives to describe this pain?
It is destroying me from the inside out and I can't believe I made someone feel this way.
I cannot believe someone felt this compassionate way about a person about me.
I want to apologize to you and I still want to hate you, like you're the one who prayed for this to happen to me.
I wish I could take back the horrible things I did to you.
I know I am selfish but I don't deserve this either
I am asking for forgiveness, begging for it
I don't know what it takes to receive good things in return but "I'm sorry" is a good start

I'm sorry

We could climb to your roof top every night
If I get to see your eyes wandering under muted moonlight
If I can trace my fingers slowly down your torso, your unblemished body built effortlessly by the gods
Feel your heartbeat pound hard enough to stop my inconsistent breathing from nicotine tainted lungs

My hands shake to meet yours every morning I wake up in an empty bed
There's too much space between my fingers and next to my head
If eyes could burn through souls, you have melted every compound of my being
I don't think you understand what it feels like to gasp for air when you find someone who makes you want to keep living

The pills that tickle my throat
I could drown them in the alcohol that used to stain my veins daily without a second thought
If that's what makes me strong enough to outlive you
To have the time to study everything you do
Map you out like this city I've countlessly burned to the ground through numerous delirium filled 4 AM mornings

It's somewhat melancholic to plant a seed just to watch the flower that blooms wither to it's death
Almost like being dressed for a funeral that hasn't happened yet
I can't bear the thought of your diminishing existence
I truly thought we could enjoy the time we have while we can
But I might be too selfish to let you go

I need you here, under the moonlight
I need your warmth and flawless skin against my own
I need you to take up space, all the space, too much space
Drown me in your presence and feed me your oxygen
Because you are the only person that has made me want to stay alive


Just to watch the flowers grow

I hate to cling to you like late night thoughts cos they never seize
I hate to cloud your space with the lung grasping smoke of my burning heart
I hate to choke you with the power surging emotions that electrocute my being
I hate to take hold of your freedom and lock it away with a key

I want you to absorb all of my time because it's just so limited
I want to breath you in like the nicotine that keeps me stable on nights I cannot find the end to
I want to see your throat shimmering under the moonlight that slips itself between your blinds and decorates your mattress while you dream
I want to hold your hands like the spaces between my fingers were never meant to be filled by anyone else's

Let me tell you about the first time you said my name
And every time you traced the small of my back to let me know you were there with that distant half smile
I want to dance my fingertips across your veins and memorize the tempo of your pulse
to kiss the scars that decorate your wrists and prove to you they were never worth it
Now your heartbeat is just a distant bass pumping the blood that keeps you alive but not well
My loneliness stings like salt water in fresh wounds
A few too many songs I've stapled to you

As soon as I knocked on your door that night I wished I had the strength to turn and run
It was bitter cold for a reason
The dents and scuffs across your door were almost like caution tape
Warning me of drunken late night battles with your thoughts and with her
But the way you looked at me when you opened the door
You walked straight to your bedroom and the way you turned so swiftly
Your voice so bittersweet, whispering 'come here'
with glossy blood shot eyes and a cheshire cat smile
I felt the hair stand on the back of my neck as I found myself crawling into your extending arms
Your heart was racing, you asked me how it felt and demanded me to stop shaking ******
Pillow talk and strawberry Absolute lips
I've wanted this for a long time you said
You repeated it with every exhale and clenched my wrists with every inhale
I'm still holding on to this moment

I could say I never want to see you again
But I see the moon in your calcite eyes without even being outside
I could say I hate the sound of your voice
But I hum the songs you sang for me on rainy days and long highway drives
I could say I never wanted to kiss you
But I bite my bottom lip because it stings to meet yours
I could say I hate that you refused to let me sleep
But I long to feel your heartbeat in the undertones of drowsy sentences at 3 a.m.
I could say I never meant to waste this much time on you
But I stopped wearing a watch and I'm waiting for another sunrise in your arms
I could simply say that I hate you
But every time I think I do I find five more reasons to indefinitely love you