I don't want to deal with this
All these questions and this prying
Torrents of words which demand answers I'm not ready to part with yet
Your voice amplified in my head a hundred times
And your phrasing repeated a thousand times over
The concept of 'not your business' is obviously alien
To people like you, who know everything about everyone
You can't stand that I'm an enigma to you
But you will have to, for a while longer at least
Because,
I don't want to deal with this
I don't want to deal with you

We danced in your room on a weekday evening
To that song by that band that we liked
Graceless and inelegant on my part
Stepped-on toes and laughter in unity
You held my waist and I hid the tears that beaded in the corners of my eyes
In your shoulder so you wouldn't ask what was wrong
Because I was so happy
Not like the clichés you might see in a film
There was no orchestral soundtrack, no montage of our time together
Angel choirs didn't sing of the best coupling in history
Nor did they lament our separation
The world went on
And I got used to it
But to this day
I can't listen to that song without crying

It's not fair for you to want me back
I am not your puppet
I am not at your beck and call
It's not fair to drop me with no warning to land feet first
Then call me to heel when you're bored
Using the inflection you know will unleash a flood of memories
And the look that leaves me awash
In thoughts of the past tinted by time
We are interconnected by a multitude of strings
Pull a thread and I will unwind
It wasn't fair when your words opened gashes in my skin
Roses grew sharp, wanting thorns that pricked still raw wounds
For months I cowered and flinched
Away from the kindness of others
For I felt too despicable to accept such morsels of sympathy
Unworthy of anything but revulsion from another
Then I built myself back up
Slowly, so gradually, broken pieces of my self respect
Reformed until I was scarred and uneven, but whole
And I should be strong enough to say no
Strong enough to deny you what you denied me all those months ago
But the reason I hate myself
The reason for my confliction
Is after everything you put me through
I so badly want to say yes

Sick
Of
Being
Treated
Like
I'm
Fragile
Or
Easily
Hurt

The light hit your face
In such a way
I understood where paradisiacal got it's meaning
And in that moment
You were more than I ever deserved

Unbalanced, they call it
Too much of one and too little of another
A deficiency and an excess
You can't help it, it's chemical, it's beyond your control
And unbalanced is a just description
Because at any moment I feel I could fall off the precipitous line I walk

Crushing the air from my lungs, exhaling in a gasp
If it's nothing more than the dance of neurotransmitters across synapses
Nerves transmitting impulses
Proton gradients forming and dissipating
Why do I feel it so vividly