Lets face it.
Shes better than me.

Shes cool and collected.
Im funny and quirky.

Shes elegant,
Graceful.

Im clumsy,
Very , very  clumsy.

Dark, smooth, silky hair
Frames her snow white face,
High cheekbones and all.

Golden ,Wild ringlet curls,
Fall where ever they please,
Around my pale, undefined face.

She was the new girl,
That I once was.

She writes beautiful music,
And her voice,
Clean as a whistle.

I barley write poems,
And my voice,
Comes from the bottom of my soul.

Shes just effortlessly thin,

While i struggle everyday,
With trying to look normal.


Wait.
Just wait.
Why am I comparing?
...
Oh yeah,

You.

Just thinking about you
And her.
Or even you,
And anybody
Makes me want to,
Crawl back,
Into my now broken shell.
And now you will see her,
In a different light.
And i am in the background,
With my eyelids pried open,
Being forced to watch.

Normally if fall into darkness,
You would grab my hand,
And pull me in the spotlight,
With you.
But what if your not there this time?
Questions like that,
Rip apart my mind.
I get to see,
Just how good of an actor,
you REALLY are.

A girl passes me,
Written on her heart,
Is your name .
Another girl then passes me,
It reads the same.
This happens several times.
Then,
My head freezes over.
And my mind blanks out.
Leaving only one thought.
"Am I a fool?"
Do you want to
"play" with my emotions?
Do you want to
Act to see if you can get the lead?
Do you want to
See how many hearts you can win?
Is that what your doing?
Or are they pushing themselves
On you?
I never have,
I wouldn't know the experience.
Thats why i question you.
Your motives.

I felt maybe i was different.
You remember almost everything.,
I say.
You tell me everything.
You hang around ,
me.
So what does that mean?
Huh?
I dont want to assume the worst,
If you are pure of heart.
But my gut is telling me otherwise.
But as for that girl,
I will have to sit and wait,
Just like i have been doing.
Except this has a new deadline.
And will help with your story,
And especially my story.

Theres a lump in my throut,
I don't know what i feel,
Jealousy?
Defeat?
I just want you to be happy,
And i don't know who that is,
Yet.

I have to stop thinking.
I need to turn my brain off.
Im torturing myself
By thinking of the future.
Figuring out the maze,
Of you and me.
How to get to the finish line,
Together.

Im trying to prepare myself,
For hearing the words,
"We used to talk"
If they mention my name.
Instead of,
A smirk on your face,
And a little laugh,
"Yeah, shes amazing."

So im trying,
I really am,
To block out the future.
Its was working a week ago,
Because your presence
Was the only distaction i needed.
But now i am left with myself.
With my thoughts.
With images of you
With memories of us.
With high hopes for the future.
That flicker through my head,
Almost constantly.
But now they are fading.
I dont know wheather its a
Good thing?
Bad thing?
Because sooner or later
I will be confronted with one choice.
I will reach a dead end.
I could fly.
Or I could fall.
There is no middle,
Sadly.
Believe me its not what i want.
But all my odds are pointing
To a deep black abyss.
So,
Eventually,
I will have to force you out of my head.
Somehow.

I dont know if you can tell,
But i am a fighter.
This is why i am in such a panic.
"There has to be a way around this."
My subconscious really needs
to shut up.

Part of me.
wants to keep my two fists up.
And part of me.
Wants to enjoy the time we have.
It is very hard,
But i guess,
i need to let fate
Write the rest of my story.
Even though i keep trying and trying
To skip ahead,
And See what happenes next.
The pages are blank,
And my thoughts
write in alternate endings.

So,
Lets breathe in,
And out.
And hope for the best.
It will work out.
It will work out.
If for the worst-
I can just say,
He wasnt the one.
And FINALLY have closure.
But a my heart will be shattered,
And my life will turn grey
For a while.
With heavy drops of water,
Splattered all around me.

But
If for the best-
I would beat all odds,
Im sorry,
I need to give myself more credit,
I have a chance.
I fit in somewhere on the scale
- I would beat all odds
Of other minds work.
And could finally show them,
That i could be loved.
But thats just a bonus.
No one out there,
Is like you.
No one.
Thats why everyone wants
You.
But i know there more to you than that.

This is why we need to talk,
This is why i need him.
I want him to think of me,
Half as much,
As i think of him.

Just half.
I dont ask for much.
I have been patient.

So now you see my struggle.
Now you feel too
the pebble in my shoe.
I still have two weeks with him,
And one more to think.
But when the beginning
Of the four week loss.
I hope i stay strong.
I hope he dosent change.
I hope we wouldn't of changed.
But now.
He hasnt,
We havent.
I need to enjoy the sunlight on my face.
I need to make the most of it.
There is something there.
But if there is no love for me,
In his heart,
I hope it comes to a complete stop.
I hope my eyes can open,
And my heart released,
Because right now,,
And theres a tear in my eye.
That i so greatly hold back.
Because there might be another,
Or another,
That he wants
From a long time ago.
And she will have
the one thing
That we dont have.
History.

But i can't dwell on this.
Its unfair to everyone.
So like I've been trying to say
About three dozen times,
In about three dozen different ways....

Enjoy the good while it lasts.
And save your good memories,
And smiles,
For a day you might need it.

When I was little,
I was given two gifts.
The gift of beauty,
The gift of love,
They were placed upon my soul.
  
Sometimes they would seem small,
Or in some cases,
just the opposite.
But knowing i would always have them,
It was okay.


Then,
Years later,
I felt an aching pain,
Something was missing.
The love i felt turned rotten.
I had to start over.
The love I was bestowed,
Wasn't enough,
Anymore.
I needed to find a new love.
So i waited,
I watched.
I observed the happy,
And the hearbroken.
I tried.
I really did.
I looked and looked.
Searched.
Was fooled and tricked,
And very confused.
But i was wise beyond my years.
I knew that this waiting was a sign,
A sign of good to come.

Then,
After so many tears,
After so much abuse,
From the shadows,
There he was.

The match I've been searching for

We talked.
Shared our lives.
I figured out where my other half was,
How he came to be.
I began to give him my heart.
The old love that I had.
I placed in his hands.
He didnt notice,
but i did.
I didnt care if i never gained anything.
Just being in the presence,
Of this magnificent creature,
Was enough for me.

I wasnt guaranteed love back,
But  i could tell he was different.
He had the same life,
The same experiences.
Where has he been all this time?

I began to grow attatched,
Feel comfortable,
I felt my soul growing on his.
As long as i was with him,
Or even thought of him,
I had all the love in the world.
The thought of loosing him,
Chilled my bones.
Almost all my love,
Was in with him.
The love didn't matter,
Only he did.

But one night,
The little love I had,
Was entirely ripped out of my soul.
By none other than,
him.

I was blindsided,
I had always been careful,
Why did i trust him.
He the began to drain the little love I had,
Straight from my soul.
But that wasnt enough.

You see,
Before me,
There was another.
She was my opposite.
A different beauty.
She possesed different eyes,
Different skin,
A different soul.
He was drawn to that soul,
But could not have it,
Until he gained the gift of love.
My gift.

Beauty was rare,
And it was extreamly rare to posesses the feeling,
Of that precious gift.
He couldent leave me with that pleasure,
So he ripped the love,
He ripped the beauty,
Right out of me,
And gave it to her.

What kills me even more,
My soul he still has,
A piece of my heart forever.

I am left shattered on the floor,
With no one to peice me back together.
And hes starting a new beginning.
My new beginning.

And hes fine,
Hes smiling with her.
And I'm here writing.
Trying to search for an answer.
Trying to make peace.
Becacuse this was the one story,
I havent learned from yet.
the story of,
him.

I just got the biggest slap in the face,
From the one I value most.

I was flying freely,
But my wings just got clipped,
And i hit the pavement hard.

When i thought of us,
I imagined a long journey ahead.
But that hope crumbled,
Like the road infront of my feet.

My delusional love

Your love

That i thought i had


.....

Is dead.

Far, far behind.
I can barley see you.
I pick up the pace,
But the others are too.
Its still early in the race,
I know i can make my way
So i plan ahead,
I pray i make it there someday.
Time goes by.
You are clear to me.
Im coming in closer.
Others can clearly see.

Now i'm an inch away,
My heart beats fast.
I come in next to you.
I just need to relax.
I can't relax.
Im so close to winning.
I can see the finish line
Cameras flash as im grinning.

I turn around,
To look for you.
I push by people,
"I NEED to get through! "
And then i see you,
farther behind.
Running with a girl.
Who hasn't yet crossed the line.
  
I have one the race,
I get the prize,
But it doesn't  mean anything,
Without you by my side.
I've grown too attached,
To your loving eyes
Your smiling face,
I just want to cry.

Maybe if i failed,
And stuck with you,
I would of won big,
Knowing were both number 92.
But i gave it my all,
Ran stright ahead.
But i never expected,
This alternate end.

I am no champion.
I am no winner.
I feel bad your pride.
I feel like a sinner.

Theres another race tomorrow,
But you cannot attend.
You need to be a winner,
And i need my friend.

I wanna drop my victory.
But my love is a secret.
People will assume why I quit,
So i cant express it.

Then again- i know you.
We have bonded for some time.
I know you'd want the best for me.
So i cant leave this behind.

I will do this for you.
I will do this for us.
I dont wanna compete.
But i know i must.

So goodbye for now.
It might work out fine.
Maybe I can look foward to you,
Behind the finish line.

Glimmers of hope,
You give me a lot.
And whenever i see you,
My forehead gets hot.
I get weak in the knees.
I could just die.
But then we get to talking,
And I get lost in your eyes.
A forbidden feeling
I indulge in too much.
A flickering light,
Thats hot to the touch.
On again
Off again,
Those relationships stink.
But ours is quite different
Well what do you think?
Thats the thing.
We can never talk about this.
For our relationship,
Dosent exist....
Yet.
Remember that word,
It means I still have a chance.
And that needs to be heard.
Now my head is a mess.
But you won't know.
Your lounging in the warmth,
And I'm shivvering in the snow.
I want a conclusion,
Is it a happy ending?
So do you like me or not?
Can we quit the pretending?
But i can't ask you this.
Ive said this before.
Im going on and on,
Im becoming a bore.
But theres so many questions,
As i lie in my bed,
"Did i say the right thing?
What goes in your head?
What goes in your head?
What goes in your head..."

Now you all know,
What goes on in MY head,
Now i can sleep,
Knowing this has been said.
Goodnight.

That one second
turns to a minute,  
And a minute,
to an hour.
The hour to a day,
A week
A month
A year.
All my time goes to a hopeless cause.
But spring could turn to summer
in three months.
Now I have to wait.
...
I cant take it!
I close my eyes.
Your face melts my brain.
I can't breathe.
Im sick with the thought of you.
So many outcomes
To the next chapter of you and me.
This could end me,
It could begin us.
The unknowing hand of time,
Will write the rest of the story.
So I'll keep dreaming.
And when the glorious day comes,
I hope i get to hold your hand.