I love you, but you don't.

just like fine sand in the cold wind,
you slip away
through the gaps between my fingers.
the footprint I leave behind
is washed away when the waves kiss the shoreline
just as how I wasn't your baby anymore
and you now look at another
to find solace and company
I desperately walk back and forth,
hoping to leave my mark
but the waves viciously hit the shores
to constantly remind me
that you don't love me anymore.
the sun that once brought warmth to my skin
now only felt like burn and there is nowhere to hide
from the fierce wind slapping me
this beach that once felt therapeutic
now only reminded me how alone and lonely I was
and I felt like falling apart
hoping that I could bleed myself dry onto the rocks that were sharp enough to pierce through a thin layer of skin,
throw myself into the ocean
to watch me sink,
only to float back up again
to distant lands.

you asked me why I left
I said I don't love you anymore
that is a lie I live to regret
the pain of my unworthiness
ate away my soul and I couldn't bear
for you to see me in this hole
aching for you to caress me
and whisper softly 'I love you'
touch me in places no one else would
maybe I was more than disappointed
when you believed my lie
gave me up to leave me alone
hoping you could chase me once more
leave me marks when I wake the next day
show me how you want me to love you
help me make things work for us
but you gave me up a long time ago
silly of me to think,
that finally someone loves me,
only to crush my soul to know
you moved on in a blink of an eye,
flitting by, you find another girl
to place those lips and mark her neck
you love those hips, sigh
and now you call her 'baby'
you'll never be mine

unwrapped myself from layers that preserved my soul
to let you into my world
let a little secret or two leak
but promise me that you'll love
parts of me I cannot

my anger lick walls like flames
and I would be a burning house
down the lane
I am the one your friends hate
they point their fingers
' You're not good enough'
would you love me more
than what they say

I don't ask for much
just for you to stay

I was tumbling down a flight of broken stairs
right where it ended
I thought I was safe

until the floor boards split open
left me hanging around
and I thought
this is it, the real meaning of end
but it never came
just hung there
rigid and lame
waiting for a helping hand
no one came
no one helped
I was there all by myself

1, 2, 3 ....... 29, 30, 31, 32
now take me to someplace nice

I'm supposed to be floating
I'm supposed to be out of control
I'm supposed to be lost in my own mind

so I lay here on my side
waiting for the time to go by
to tick and set in
for paradise to find me
for me to find paradise

there's nothing here I want
give me pain free
give me something to see
give me more pills to eat

and you count another handful
into the system you have given up on
the mere shell of existence to the world
for the physical self couldn't catch up with the head
leaving me incomplete

For my Grandfather

Whenever I start to feel sad about the passing of my grandfather, I remind myself about how the ancient Egyptians had a beautiful belief about death.  When their souls got to the entrance to heaven, the guards asked two questions.  Their answers determined whether they were able to enter or not.  ‘Have you found joy in your life?’  'Has your life brought joy to others?’”

When I think of my grandfather, his life and how he affected everyone around him, I am consoled, because I know that he is in a better place now.

He was always a healthy man, and no one would have seen him falling sick and passing so quickly. It came as a shock to my family, because I don’t think we had enough time to tell him how much he meant in our lives. I have yet to grow up and do what a filial granddaughter should have done. But I guess, we were meant to lose people we love. Because how else would we know how important they are to us?

There are some things that I’ll really miss, those nights where he would come into my room, sit on the beanbag beside me and watch television shows with me.

The times where I am on my way home, and I see him riding his old and rusty bicycle and going to get the paper for my grandmother.

Or the times where we would have dinner together and he would always ask me about how my day was, and even how my friends were doing. Because that was the kind of man he was.

As I look back on the life of my grandfather, he was someone I looked up to. In his times, earning a living was difficult, but he managed to grow out of poverty, to provide an education for my father. It was not easy, but he never gave up. His love for my grandmother was unconditional, and they were married till his last day. Sometimes I would hear their petty squabbles, but my grandfather would always let her win. It was a beautiful thing to know that they have grown old together and lived a full life.

This is why I am sure that he went to heaven. He had so much love in his heart, and he shared it with everyone around him. My biggest regret is that, I loved him very much but I don’t ever remember telling him that.

In the end, it is the small things that you remember of people you love, and even when you lose someone you love, they never really leave you. They just move into a special place in your heart.