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Zenoch Nov 2023
**** yourself,
**** yourself.
As my breath quickens,
My heart pounds, my hand stiffens.

My teeth grit,
desperate for salvation.
Confused and anxious,
Trapped in isolation.

I want to stab myself so bad,
Wishing to drain the black thoughts out of my head
Those dark, dark thoughts out of my head.
Yet your light shone, and pushed to safety instead.

I don't want to live, I want to reach peace.
WHY SHOULD IT WAIT IF I CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN in one go?...
Why am I hesitant?
Why am I afraid?
Taking a step wouldn't be so hard,
I now will be dead.
I had a panic attack 2 days ago, a relapse from depression. Incurable disease always comes back to lurk when you think you're safe. I'm trying to go back to a state I am... fine.
Zenoch Apr 2023
I
You control what to say, you control what to do.
Your friends are broken, because of you.

You blame it on trauma,
You blame it on depression.
What more is out there,
Destroying yourself of obsession?

To what...
To push yourself to edge you don't want to go.
You're guilty, you're in vain.
"Oh I will change to nullify this pain".

What a theatre you're building.
What a stage your playing.

I know you want to die,
I know you don't want to hurt your friends.
Why everything has to be a lie?
A façade, just to meet your end.

You describe yourself like you deserve pity,
as if you have a large dramatic history.

If you want to do it, just do it.
Don't ever take any single one person with you.
Don't hug everyone while the fire is burning.
Don't drag them in your pain, you're feeling.

It does not do anything good,
You're ruining your own image.
Distrust, mishaps will happen.
Everything will be a scrimmage.

I'm not convincing to **** yourself,
neither not to **** yourself.
I'm just saying, this is your own problem.
You, yourself only has to be fallen.

Set yourself an eye,
as for You is I.
Myself is my only foe, I don't want to drag anyone in the vicinity of my problems. I want to be a savior not to be a tormentor.
Zenoch Apr 2023
Fog
Thread carefully,
Trip and fall.
As you see it vaguely,
There's none for you at all.

Search, and seek
There's no one to meet.
As thou flashes life is full of lies,
Truth may be tricky, pain as it flies.

Isolate,
Soar,
Through that mindset of yours.

Is it easy?
Are you blind?
You'll suffocate on things you'll find.

As morning rises, dusk 'til dawn
Cold, shiver, afraid as fawn.
You feel it,
But you're too blind to see it

Things will change,
Scars will remain the same
I ought you to find a reason,
Something, or someone that make you smile
And isn't that simple?
Zenoch Feb 2023
Unpaved

Think...Think...Think...
What can these hands do?
What can your eyes see from this view?

Planning won't do any good,
How long will you stay glued?
When the time is right?
How long...
How long...
How long will we have to wait?
When we have enough time?

Time is gold, many fail to apply
that today may be your last breath and die.

There is A LOT to regret,
There is also a lot of mistake to make.
But we can never hit reset,
Fade those thoughts that ache.

Stuck and wondering...
Who.. or What am I?
an Artist, whose passion will be its fuel
a Developer, whose purpose is to entertain

or will I be stuck wondering who am I..
Be distracted from these jobs as I find myself still
waiting...
thinking...
on this unpaved path
I'm just stuck on which career I should take. I know everything's in my hand, but it worries me I'll make a mistake for choosing; something or nothing.
Zenoch Jan 2023
It was a clear sunny day when I saw you sitting,
On the plains, the sun we can see it shining.

Smiling at the sky for what have you been thinking?
Are you worried that the sun is sinking?

Leaves are dancing,
Gales are racing,
A storm, we can see it moving.
"Droplets? is it raining?"

A frown in your face, it doesn't seem good.
You shouted, "Storms are rude!"
Words came out the bottom of your lungs,
Thus, your pendant began to rang!

The storm, the rain
"Is it gonna rain again?",
Those agony and pain
Of the storm, will rise once again.

Light shone, bright, is this the empty vast?
It was only me and you, at last.
Time paused as we ascended,
Where we have been beheaded.

It was you controlling the shine
The wind, the storm beyond that shrine.
Through the vast I told you to accept
Those pains are inevitable, we can't reject.

As I go through the storm
Trying to stop me, but you would be wrong.
I was saving you from your pain,
We must accept the rain.

We don't need to avoid the rain nor the pain.
It is an experience we must gain,
I'll kiss you goodbye.
Hope you reconsider making your own rain, your teary eyes that cry.
This is an old poem back in 2021
Zenoch Jan 2023
I'm in your grasp, let me be
a simple "no", I suppose, would set me free.

Love is a chain,
Love is a prison,
Love will make rain,
and subdue you with poison.

It shackles my growth
of leaving you, I loath.


I was never meant to be found,
by you, leave me unbound.
Zenoch Jun 2021
It's hard, it's pain
Endless suffering of rain.
Nails are forced to be bit,
The blood I spit.
Like a hammer struck on my mouth,
The less drama I speak.

The spine that held me up,
Became thorns that erupt.
Only drips of intoxication,
That made me cut deep due to corruption.
Is this my only lesson?

Ghouls that made me deaf,
Friends that the only option to be left.
Am I weird? Am I acceptable?
The expectations that I am not even viable.
Words that made me vulnerable.

I never felt home,
To myself I loathe.
Things that I hid from the eyes,
Is never accepted but called lies.
Death is my only matter to discuss,
I fell in love to things they are in disgust.

I fell in love with death
My perspective in life became too vague and dark, yet finally realizing it's also the truth.
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