Three times I called you already.
On the same day you left.
Such a mess fell over me right away.
Realising I really cannot live without you.
Or with you for too long.

Leaves me feeling depressed.
Another bubble bursts that none of us can get back.
I see another big car parked right in front of my window.
I miss the silly nights of nonsense just sitting together.
Nothing seems to bother us ever even when it’s still rough and heavy.

We make light of everything.
Even when we’re depressed or stressed.
But then it gets overwhelming.
No good sleeping, too much energy ******.
No time for just being alone again.

So we seperate, survival mode.
Taking a break from the better place in life.
I’m at an apartment/hotel with a noisy heating system.
Nothing’s alright in here but we’ve got our seperate space.

Constantly moving to the lesser evil place.
We both need space to breathe.
For me I always need some extra space, it always goes too far......
Everywhere.
Now it’s depressing and exhausting.
And it will not ever change, Asperger’s, ocd, hypersensitivity, complexity.

And you with your own problems.
You manage them so well but there are many.
A stroke and no stable living.
But you’re always strong and never giving in to anything!
Wish I could be more like you......
But it get’s too much being just a human being.....

You’ll get just enough in life to not completely break.
Down to the point where you can’t stand at all.
Pretty close though, pretty close.
Nothing works, nothing feel right, nothing’s fine.
That’s life.

Going home because it hurts.
It hurts to be going home.
Like the end of a holiday.
You don’t want to leave.
You want to keep on dreaming that life can be that nice.

I wish to be that special one that always brings you joy.
Like a summer at the beach.
Like a sparkling eye contact in the morning lying next to each other.

Instead we sparkle after an Irish coffee and I leave after a brief vacation.
Packing up my stuff.
It wasn’t always easy without any stress or pain.

It was magical nonetheless and so I can only kiss you and say: I love you, see you, I will miss you.
I’ll try to get through the days and nights just to see you again.
For a nice little short summer trip of love, headaches and wild sparkles. With my dark make up rubbing on your face.

A messy funny night, a messy heavy day, a messy painful morning and a night of pressure, some sleeping and some sun and rain.

There's a lot going on with a lot of people.
A lot of people that I love.
And me.
There's a lot I want to do.
Instead I try my best to listen and burn a candle.
I tell some how brave they are.
And strong.
Inside I cry, think no one deserves this tension, terror, helplessness.
I get a group hug from my spirit guides.
I raise my hands up to the sky.
I sing a song.
Trying to be in the moment.
Loving, embracing.
The good things in life.
The contact, the connection, affection.
Come get that embrace.
I'll send it out as well.
Walking and singing being one with nature.
We're in this together.
I want to tell my friends: you're not alone.
You're never alone.
Warrior, soldier, viking.
You're divine, amazing, you can do it.
ALWAYS.
But it hurts.
So bad.
But you're a badass.
The fire burns inside your eyes.
The waves of your power go high.
You fly with your wing spread out wide.
The wind is with you.
So is the sky, the universe which you're a part of.
You're never alone.
EVER.
There's a lot going on with a lot of people in this world.
But it never lasts.
And nothing is important.
Only what we are.
INSIDE.
I try my best to be in the moment and burn a candle.

I died, I saw my face change.
I cried, I saw my eyes change.
I stared while talking to you in the mirror.
I told you this can’t go on.
It’s not working.
Though I want to love so bad.
And so you told me you’re still just living your life.
And receiving my love.
I died in your arms and I don’t recognize myself.
I cried in your arms and rubbed my eyes.
So hard that they’re in a different position forever.
I stared till I saw exactly in your face how much you care.
I told you this can’t go on forever.
You showed me the long lifeline on my hand.
First thick and only getting thinner and all wonky.
That’s some cruel fate.
And I did want to try living but I keep on dying.
I told you I wanted to try for you.
Receiving your love.
I’m too tired, stiff and dead and I keep on crying.
It’s not working.
It’s not living even though I’m breathing.
Trying to relax, dying.
Though I want to love so bad.
And I have to live so long.
Or break the unbreakable fate somehow.....
But not yet cause right now I’m here dying and crying in your arms.

Why does life always have to feel so freaking uncomfortable?!
I want to overwhelm my life the way it overwhelms me sometimes.
I want to be the magic in the magic too.
Not feeling like sinking to the bottom everytime, everyday and night
The bottom can be beautiful too though but it’s not light.

I'm not giving power to the pain.
I choose to live again but I'm getting punished for that decision.
And my keeper has become lazy.
I'm back in the game, I decided to fight some more.
The man that's my biggest reason to fight gets dragged back into my life...
So do I live for him now?
Cause I figured I can't live for me after all.
But he is here with me now too.
So I will be fighting like a crazy warrior!
I'll never forget who I am.
The power of a connection to nature and my own spirit and spirit guides.
Always strong enough as long as I want or need to be, over and over.

I know the power of not giving power to the pain.
And the power of not giving a ****, just doing what is needed to be here.
In a loving way.
Going deep and seek the truth inside me.
Letting the connection take me away.
I am a part of this intense heavy game that is my life.
And beyond...
Always will I know what it's like to be here.
So I'll never fall back into it and I'll be there only for my loved ones when needed.
It doesn't matter where I'll be.
I can survive comfortless nights but in the end I became so aware of it.

So this infection will never leave, the pain of knowing discomfort at night.
The screams of no peace.
The screams of love.
I choose to live again but I'm getting punished for that decision.
And my keeper got lazy.
I'm back in the game, I decided to fight some more.
So do I live to be tortured now?
I can be attacked again.
And I stay.
And I cry.
And I scream.

And I love.
And I can't leave, and I can't live.
My keeper was there for my torture.
My spirit guides are there for my peace.
My lover is there to make me stay.
And for me to drag him back into my world.
I try to let it be wonderful.
But it's horrible so many times.
Every day and every night.
Especially every night.
So I will be fighting like a crazy warrior.

I'll never forget who I am.
Who I've become.
I know the power of not giving power to the pain.
One day I can set myself free.
I won't always continue to fight here cause it hurts like a dragon attacking my body constantly.
And one day I'll stop fighting it.
Do I live for him now?
Cause I figured I can't live for me after all.
But he is  here with me now too.
So I'm a crazy warrior.
I know who I am.
Spiritual, crazy, viking, bleeding, hard, soft, free.

My room has no windows anymore.
It stresses me out to see the cars parked in front of them.
So now there are no windows, no sunlight.
It stresses me out having no windows.
So I go out for walks.
Can't keep walking, must rest cause I feel bad though the walks are nice.

Resting at my room again that has no windows.
Drinking hot tea way too fast.
Eating too much, unable to dance.
Body aching and feeling heavy, my head as well, my heart as well.
Waiting for better days.
Trying to find ways to walk towards and to walk through better days.
Telling myself it's ok.
It's ok to have no windows.

I've not been getting along with my body.
It felt used up so I let it be used to find a way out.
But I didn't find a way out.
Instead I dreamed I got pregnant with a boy.
But it was wrong because of the way it happened.
So my body started to bleed and reclaim its strength, be one with me.
Be one with nature and the wind like I've always been.

Waiting with these walls around me.
Maybe it will work out, maybe not.
In this room together with my body.
We're in this together.
Again for a while.
Even though it aches.
Waiting till these walls again might break.

The windows will fly open.
And I will fly away.
Hopefully I'll see somebody that I love and he won't break my heart.
He's a bit of a rough man, rough on the edges, rough at some parts.
But we got such a connection.
I'm also far from alright, never walk towards the light but straight into the dark.

I told him: I can see in the dark.
But sometimes I wished I was blind.
And he dreamed about it.
He dreamed about me having these black eye contact lenses.
They gave me a super power to deal with the pain and suffering.
I just deal with it already but it would be nice.
Having a super power.
It would help.

Now I got this windowless room.
And this body that actually doesn't want me to keep writing.
My head is spinning.
Muscles tightening.
So I keep waiting and surviving to see the next good thing come around.
And to see my rough man.
Through the darkness, the aching, the ringing in my ears.
Soon we can both run towards the sea maybe.
Sea sight, Syonight.

Moments, not days.
Trying, not having to.
The best you can, not perfect.
Beautiful, not flawless.
Loving fully, not temporarily for a moment.
Understanding, not demanding.
Somehow making it through.
To see you again being able to function.
Untill not anymore.

Maybe I should take a pause and reflect.
But I keep running around in circles.
What does actually work?
And who is actually caring enough to not leave me wondering?
What am I to you?
The only valid reason I can think of why you don't know what I am to you is me wanting to die.
All the other stuff is *******, cut the crap and don't ever check out again.
Or else I'm out forever.

I'm already giving up, taking risks like travelling towards my triggers.
Knowing it will cause more damage but I have to keep on moving.
I just can't keep sitting here just waiting on you.

While nothing, like actually nothing is actually working.
Not even my body even though it looks like it.
Same with my pretty sister, here and there a pretty picture.
Look inside and relax, take a break, always wait.
Always fight, no escape, no one there to hold the weight.

Always carrying it around.
Meanwhile trying to get ready just to sing and fly again.
I don't want to fight alone no more, it's hurting and I can't hold on no more.
I keep and kept on saying it.
This world doesn't believe it is a possibility to feel this way about it.
Still I keep seeing all these double numbers but then I try and nothing happens.
Trying to be grateful for the little things.

I'm never where I want to be, never receiving the right energy from people that I need.
Look at me, look inside, and hold me tight, acknowledge it, let me know you understand.
Or don't and tell me, I need to know so I can just follow my own path instead and forget you.
But actually I can't.
Not really, just for a moment.
Cause in a way I think we're good, and I get it.
It's destiny.

When does it end?
It always keeps going on, always gives me just enough to keep on going.
It's not living, it's slavery.
Destiny on earth is more like slavery to me cause I'm sick, actually sick and so so tired!

So let me go find what I need or let me leave.
See and find a way out.
Like in that dream.
Last night I walked through a dark lane again with a flash light.
Saw a little boy, tried to be nice.
We both tried to find a way out and he seemed to not know what to think of me.
Don't worry, nobody knows, not even me but I won't harm you so just follow me and let's just try to find our way.

I don't mind the dark but I mind the pain, I want to get out.
Not feel heavy or sad and have nothing actually working, reflecting.
Reflecting my own light in this darkness every time.
Cause there's no other light than the light from where I actually come from.
Sometimes I feel them, my soul family actually come to me for a group hug.
Let's take a pause and just sit here.
As always, helpless.

Can I just stand here and disappear?
I don’t want to have to do it all by myself.
You know, I tried it before.
And where do all these evil people come from?
Same place as all of us?
I won’t come back here.
Maybe they will, I’m sure they will.
This place called earth is full of hell.

I take pictures of nature.
Listen to Eminem on walks.
Alone together with somebody.
So escaping once again in the only place on earth that feels comfy.
It’s over, there’s no point in giving, trying, living.
I’m even going for easy poetry to express myself today.
I’m tired and there’s not much left to go on for.
But an old hotel waiting for me at the end of this month.
And my family to visit at my old hometown.
Hoping that I’ll make it till I’ll go there.
Even though it takes everything out of me.
And I’m not sure what home is for me personally.
I can’t be in this world.

Always hard for me to be with my family and it’s hard to live for them too.
But they can still somehow.
And I can when I try hard sometimes as well.
Would be nice if it was worth it.
If my energy would last a little longer.
I’m not the only one who has this problem.
Let’s hold hands then.
Love me and I come from wherever.
Nothing to lose.
Nothing left that will give me life again but still things to give.
And if it’s worth it, why not?

I've stopped trying to stop the bleeding.
But I can't ignore the stretching.
It's always hurting so I try to numb it.
When I think about death I never know what to expect.

Even though I'm pretty aware of what's out there.
A Matrix full of pain keeping you in chains and it's pulling on me.
But you know, when you feel sick all the time you need somebody to hold you tight.

I've seen my best friend block me because of secret activities he did with somebody.
Now the friend request still pending for me after he quit because she didn't want to leave her husband.
You're ashamed of me, right?

Can't sleep, got to eat, I'm tired, so tired, so drained, so heavy.
Always swear to myself I'll never beg for somebody's love anymore.
Still catch myself doing it.
Can't help but feeling sometimes that the love on this earth is just another lie to keep you in line.
I know love is real but it can be so much more real when it's free.
Think about it: when you're not either exhausted or sad, could you love better?

Or do you use love as another drug, like food, like smoke, like drinks, like meds...
Meds either numb you or maybe when you're depressed they can make you believe you're not sad.
If they help at all and not become another way to have you be the guinea pig to experiment on.

Give me money and I will put these meds in your system, treat you, feed you, feed you more (bull)****!
I'm over this nonsense, be real please.
I can cry everyday but I have no tears left but I constantly feel like I can't breathe.
Hold me, it's the only non-toxic way for me to not feel sick!

I've stopped trying to stop the longing.
I will always be longing as long as I'm living.
It's always hurting so I try to numb it.
But when I think about death I never know what to expect...

Even though I'm pretty aware of what's out there.
A Matrix full of pain keeping you in chains and it's pulling on me.
But you know, when you feel sick all the time you need somebody to hold you tight.

I can look at death.
I take its hand.
Help me to feel alive.
Cause I know you're there.
Now I can just fight.
I got nothing to lose and a lot of love to give.
Help me give it.
I'll take you by the hand.
Walk on your highway before I pass.
I love to know you're there to recue me.
When I can't go on.

I ask you how you feel, you mention the weather, always the weather.
My body feels so heavy, I feel exhausted and everything gets too much.
But people talk about the weather, it's either the cause or the solution.
I go for a long walk every day.
I don't care about the weather at all.
I don't want to hear about the weather when I ask you how you feel anymore.
Tell me something real.
Is it really just the weather?

There's no doubt, you're gonna break.
Your body, your mind, your heart.
And two very broken people don't become a whole part together.
Usually it's very complicated.

But they understand.
We're all going to break and we all need to find our way.
When you feel completely broken, just hold on because you got noting to lose.

Easier said than done and nobody really seems to understand how far it has gone.
Out of hand and beyond repair.
But there's a way and a beauty that you carry inside.

A beautiful broken person full of cracks.
Bursting from love and sorrow.

But so powerful.
Knowing it has nothing to lose and still keeps on fighting.
You're going to break.

Maybe more than others and many people won't understand.
Only you will know the way.
The way you break.
The way to go on.
With or without other broken people.
You will love and break and continue to love.

Maybe even break so hard that there's no way out but only in death or dying over and over.
And people will not understand.
But they will see your ''crazy'' smile like you're saying: I've been through it all, and I'm still continuing.

And you do it because you can.
For yourself and because of the love for others and things that can make you feel better.
You're a fighter.
And you will break completely.

Everything of you and everything you like.
And you get up and rise with the power you gained from the knowledge of love and pain.
Bursting, erupting, flying and screaming.
Nothing to lose.
Still fighting.

Till the very end, till there's nothing left for you inside and outside to use in your fight.
And then you leave with a smile cause you can.
You can finally say: It's over now.

You didn't lose, you gave everything and have done everything you had to.
Then it's time to go.

Two broken people don't become whole until they both are gone.
Until they both are whole.
And they meet again.
In their new found form.

When it's time to go.
And you're ready to leave.
Leaving with a smile cause you can.
Then you can finally say: It's over now.

I can’t live.
I can’t die.
All I leave behind is great pain!
Then why am I unable to pull the plugs?
My head hurts from the heartache.
Everyday.

I’ll fight for your love then if that’s what you want.
I’ll be that crazy girl from the suicide squad.
You can tear me up.
Only you, cause you give me life.

When I jump on the train to see you, I don’t cry.
And I don’t ask myself why I can’t pull the plugs.
It’s obvious I still have it inside, the will to fight.

Although I was destroyed by life.
It’s alright as long as I can still and you are also willing to fight next to me.

But it’s always going to hurt either physically, mentally or both or deeper.
My heart is broken to the core now and I can’t live.

But I can’t die today, I can’t try it anymore.
So let me fight till my body’s gone.

I can’t live.
I can’t die.
All I leave behind is great pain!
Then why am I unable to pull the plugs?
My head hurts from the heartache.

I don’t want to be in it anymore anyway.
Tear it up then.
If that’s what you want.
I don’t want it anymore anyway.
If it hurts this much to be alive all the time.
24/7

I deserve to be free.
Free from you.
Free from this pain.
Not have my heart aching.
And follow my own path.

I'm grateful for the things I did have.
But now I want to go.
I did receive love.
Comfort from things, clothes, music, bodies.
I'm happy to leave, it's ok and fine.

I'm ready to let go.
Let go of everything.
Be content.
And be glad to be ready when I am.
I'm letting go.

I am free.
Grateful and happy to follow my own path.
Free from pain.
Free from my body.
But I can still be this person that I am.

This part of something bigger that I can see.
I have it all in me.
It will all be meaningful and loving.
Now I know how to give this intense type of love.

Cause I learned to lose it and feel it and store it for the right kind.
I'm ready to get ready.
Set me free.
For meaning and love.
Following my own path free from pain.
Letting go.

***** dark tears ran inside my speakers.
The sound still cracks now when I play my favorite songs.
It will not sound as clear as it used to ever again.
And I crack up when I hear it every day.
Everything breaks.

All good things get destroyed.
I tried to make some stuff right again like all of us do.
But it usually never becomes the same again.
People get ruined and die over and over, break, crack and grow.

It will change.
And it should never be as it was before cause that’s not what life’s about.
Yet the grief is heavy and sometimes too hard to take.

Salty ***** tears destroyed my speakers.
I don’t think I can ever tell my story but I left a lot of poetry.
The ***** ink will last forever and I left it at many places.

Somehow it brought me peace.
Along the way things changed and it will never be the same.
But it has never been ok anyway.
I just used to think it was when I was very young.
But it was all wrong from the start.
It was cracked from the beginning but it sounded somewhat clear.

Now I hope that I can hear a clear sound after I finally escape through the cracks.
I will try to let some of this clear sound escape through the cracks for you to hear as well.
And swim in clear water, make sounds like water creatures.
And hear and see it all so clearly even in the water with the energy that sets me free!
No more ***** tears and cracked up sounds.

All the dark water is still clear and sparkling.
All the dark eyes are deep and clear.
So is the love, so is the freedom, so it the power, so is this place.
Nothing cracks or hurts.

It’s clear forever and it feels right and true.
The deeper I dive in, the more I recognize and realise where I belong.
And my ***** tears stream and my cracked up speakers scream.
I cry for mercy, to be let out.
Like the clear sound that can’t pass through.
Let me escape through the cracks and be where the sound is clear to me.

Where it’s no longer broken.
Where it’s no longer *****.
Where it’s no longer hurting.
And when it will not break.
Where it stays alright and clear forever.

Every sound hurts
Everything reminds me of you
Sometimes I convince myself I’m over you now.
But you always come back.

I still got my list of things to pack for when I see you.
But I got enough freedom and friends and things that I can do Instead.
It all just doesn’t feel right, I’m getting tired and despise it.
I’m so over starting over.

This world has gone madder and madder and it makes me want to distance myself.
But when I do and I’m with you I feel like I can do everything and anything I want to!
Are you coming back?
Or am I doing this alone once more?

It’s ok for a little moment.
But don’t stay away from me when I have to live.
I need you!
Although I’m free in the moment and I convinced myself I’m over you.

I’m so over starting over.
I’m so over being all alone all over.
Even though there’s enough people and things to do.
They’re never really fitting even though I feel so free.

Just being alone and free to do anything.
Are you coming with me?
Sometime soon?
Please do.

You found yourself somebody else.
My world turned cold.
My body's restless and in pain.
I should think about what matters, who matters.
But nothing will ever feel ok.
We can't create our own little world anymore.
Everybody leaves, everybody gets away.
I was so scared to hurt that I forgot that I'd be the one left in the end.

I can never live with somebody.
Myself included cause the fighting's been going on too long.
I'm old and fragile but still fighting strong.

You found yourself somebody.
I told you I wanted you to.
But why did it have to be before I was ready to leave?
This world is cruel, cold and dark.
Especially when you're always fighting lonely.
It won't be pleasant again.
But you can't hurt me anymore either cause I know the truth.
But this is the end of hope.
Hope for anything better.

I can never live with somebody.
Myself included cause the fighting's been going on too long.
I'm old and fragile but still fighting strong.

I should think about the people that matter.
We've always been fighting alongside each other.
Like a true family.
We just couldn't live together.
I wish we could at least feel free together, maybe once when I'm away.
Away from this world and body.
I'm so proud of you and me, we've done everything.

But I can never live with somebody.
Myself included cause the fighting's been going on too long.
I'm old and fragile but still fighting strong.

Two people in a bubble.
Are very lucky.
But are just as fragile.
As the bubble they live in.


The bubble is better than life.
In the bubble is less trouble,
The bubble of love, the colours of a raibow.
The bubble of love that those two people blow.


Because they wanted to be.
Two people in a bubble.
They wanted to be ´´we´´.
And escape the horror.


The bubble is better than life.
In the bubble is less trouble,
The bubble of love, the colours of a raibow.
The bubble of love that those two people blow.


Is it selfish to break
the bubble when it´s fake?
When you care, can you blow a nice one?
And let the other float off.
With a kiss and a cry and love.


Crying so hard filling the bubble with tears, it will break anyway.
Some day.

I roll my eyes at everything
Even at my bed that’s never comfy
I took all the pain meds I was allowed to take.
And walked away.
Rolling my eyes at the leaves dancing.
Come on man with the van, stop whistling!

Too tired, overwhelmed, numb, depressed.
In pain, aching, heavy.
Just moving one foot before the other.
Pretending to be floating with the music.
Like I’m not there.

You've got to be stronger than you feel.
Life demands it.
You've got to do things you really don't feel like doing.
Even though you're exhausted.
You've got to be at places that you don't want to be at.
It feels uncomfortable and way too heavy.
You need to be with somebody but you can't.
When you need them more than ever they're too busy.
Life demands it.
You've got to be stronger than you feel.

I keep waiting.
I'm an idiot.
I run to you in agonizing pain.
The pain you caused me.

I'm just stupid.
I'm addicted.
I need to withdrawal from you.
But I don't want to.

Cause I hate life without you.
And I do love you.
But I keep on waiting.
For you to open up.
I know you can't take away my pain.
Like I can't take aways yours.

Although I'd really hold your naked body tight.
And maybe we'd even have a meaningful conversation.
About how to move forward.
Is there a way, can we at least try?
Or are we going to run around in circles.
And am I just gonna keep waiting.

There was an issue but no reason for blocking me.
Are you hiding something?
I'm an idiot.
I ran to you.
I couldn't bare the pain, the information you were sending.
I need to withdrawal from you.

But I love you.
What am I to you?
An idiot?
The waiting idiot.

On good days I'd say: You win some you lose some.
But when will I be done learning?
When can I ever be ready for dying alone?
It saddens me so deeply.
There's nothing left.

A loveless death.
And one person who deserves it the least to see me leave.
When I was never there anyway.
And she suffers in same and different ways.
I need to leave but I dread it.
Tried it before, I really tried to, I pushed through.
Came right back every time.

Now it hurts to know that there's no hope or love left for me here.
No peace, no savety, no joy, no life.
Nothing but death waiting.
A lonely horrific way.
Nobody to help, nobody to hold on to while drifting far away.
Maybe if I try to picture it in my head: Me lying there with you.
Then it will all be ok.

I can't let it break me over and over.
Trying to die, life, trying to make it till the next day.
But death cannot be this painful cause I want to move away far.
Peacefully and happy to go.

Not in such sadness.
Dying as merciless as living, that's no way to go.
And on good days I say: You win some, you lose some.
When will I be ready to lose this life?

I need a waterfall of mercy all over my tortured body.
That kept waking up from noises when it got comfy finally. One day it will end, one day I will find peace. But now just let me sleep and not be in this horror please!!!

Why should I have to be positive to make it feel ok?
Let me just be me, it never feels right anyway.
I'm fighting on my own, trying to make the best of it.
But what if the world and I just do not fit?

I'm tired and everything aches when I'm alone.
Still going for walks and singing but I'm getting numb and never in the right zone.
When I'm with you I'm still trying even though it gets so freaking hard.
So love me hard even though I know it's hard and with me there's no moving forward.

I wish I could make a final decision.
End my mission.
I can't yet even though I want to so bad.
How can I ever be ready to go ahead?
Make it end forever.

And start something I don't remember or haven't seen yet ever.
I need to when I can.
Please be with me until then.
Then I'll always be with you.
No matter where I'll go to.

Don't tell me that I can change anything by changing my attitude.
My attitude is broken by this place and I can't break it again to somehow make it feel good.
Let me just be me.
You can't cure me with your stardust theory.

Like you can be in control.
By changing your own role.
And being ok within.
I can't shut off the world I'm in.

Actually it comes in hard as hell with Autism, OCD, being exhausted and depressed.
You can't shut it off even without these issues and if you could I'd be impressed.
So please let me be me and find my way.
And when I'm broken down again please try to love me anyway.

I'll always be a part of you and you're a part of me.
But nobody can cure me with any type of startdust theory.
A medication doesn't do it either, something needs to get out instead of being put in.
Let me do it my own way, that's actually how I find my strength within!

Stuck in transition.
Don't guide me.
I'm not like any of the things you show.
I'm all the colours which makes me darkness, heavy and ill.
Around here I can't function.
All I do is keep on trying.
Just to make it ok enough to last a little longer.
I wish everything would fall away alltogether.
So that would be my que to leave.

I'd run and fly as fast and far away to a place where I feel ok.
Still also keep on fighting from there for this to never happen
to anybody ever again!
But I'm still stuck in transition now.
It hurts and gets extremely exhausting.
I may just break through this soon anyway.

Enough trying to make it right has been done and it will keep on hurting.
Don't guide me, I've asked for it before.
It brought me only to places of horror.
Only some good people that gave me so much magic in this world of pain and suffering.
But I'm not like any of the things you show.
The people I met seem to not be also but close to Blue Ray, I felt at least with one.

May they all find peace and destiny.
They don't need guidance, they are their own guides through life but they need love and peace.
To gather their strength.
It's too late for me now, I just need to leave when I can.
I'm all the colours which makes me darkness, heavy and ill.
Around here I can't function.

I love the form I'm in today.
But I can't live here.
My bones are black.
I try to fly, even spread out my arms.

It's so hard and heavy for me to be.
And I wish I could at least spent the night not alone.
But it can't be because the days are too hard.
The nights too restless.

I'm too great of a mess if I even try to get ready.
For anything with anybody.
But my love is deep.
Like the blackness that I wear all over my body.
My black bones and dead eyes.

Arms spread open wide.
Should I just move my wings and go?
Everybody should be annoyed with me by now.
Yet my friends and family say they understand.
I try to help them through their hell as well where I can.

Nothing's certain or can be planned anymore.
Nobody knows what's the right thing to do.
So everybody tries their best.
But it hurts and now I'm too worn out and dark.

I live in the shadow of my soul.
When I spent the days alone.
Only that music sometimes lifts me up and gets me to spread my arms.
In the wind outside, I want to go!

But it's never the right moment.
There's always too much I'm leaving behind in this chaos.
But I am a mess, a heavy mess, dark, deep, black.
What I need is not here.

But those people that I need are.
Sometimes they need me too, they want me to be by their side.
And I want nothing more.
But how I wish I could just take them by the arm and hand with me to where there's peace.

Where we can all be save and free.
Without terror, horror, torture.
But you've got to be ready to leave everything you've ever known.
None of us have learned or seen beyond this place of the universe throughout our entire life on earth.

Do you ever look at people and wonder: Why do we think humans look normal?
We're used to it, it's all we know.
But how I wish I could just leave and take some people to a better place.
Or leave by myself that send a little signal.
Fight for peace so that this pain will never happen again!

I love the form I'm in today.
But I can't live here.
My bones are black.
I try to fly, even spread out my arms.....

Do you ever look at people and wonder: Why do we think humans look normal?
We're used to it, it's all we know.

Mixed feelings, always mixed heavy feelings.
There’s no straight line, just tight knots.
Where’s the end?
Where’s does this start?

I can’t let go, I can’t keep going.
Can’t just burn these ropes, cannot lose it all.
Wrapped up in discomfort.

So tightly but I can still dance when I’m with you.
But I need to use the tight knots to remind myself: I’m never free until I leave.

But when I leave there’s no life left to hold on to.
That’s no way to be.
That’s just a dead body hanging by a thread.

I'm just sitting here staring.
Sometimes eating.
Feeling too heavy.
I force myself to move every day.

Just hold me.
So I don't feel so heavy.
When you hold me.
I don't feel so heavy.

In the evening when I'm so alone, solo.
I know it's over already.
Cause I'm never living anymore for so long.

Now finally there's a pill to take but it takes time.
Actually dying, I've tried it before.
Done the irreversible acts, so I thought.

But this time I will know for sure.
It takes time though.
It takes more before, more different pills.
All alone, so alone, solo.

Somehow I can't.
Should I die singing?
I'm not dying crying.

They say: you will know when you're ready.
They say a lot of stuff.
I don't think I can ever be ready.
Not even almost.

I just know that going on is never ever working.
So now I'm just sitting here on the verge of crying.
But there are never any tears.

Just a feeling, some more eating and just staring.
Forcing my body to go outside walking.
Only walking, it is the only thing.
The only thing that is somewhat comforting and not destructive.

Something that is not eating.
While I'm carrying this feeling that I should be able to escape.
I keep asking, bagging myself to help myself.
Out of love, out of the pain.
I can do this.

Not leading anybody on.
Including me.
I wish there was a doctor of mercy who could put me down.
But no, this is all on me.
So lonely, solo.

Death, I’ve been there.
How did I end up here?
I will go back.
But never go back here.
No way.
Will we meet somewhere?
I love your skin.
Not mine.
I love your bed.
Never mine.
I can’t sleep with you.
Only when you stay awake.
When I wake up you are tired.
You sleeping is me leaving.
To another bed, never comfy.
I love resting with you.
Never on my own.
Don’t let me have these lonely evenings.
Restless nights.
Terrifying issues.
Let me escape them.
I can’t keep walking.
Aimlessly.

Blurry browny.
A deep tone.
Trying to die.
Not thinking about death.
A deep brown tone.
Creamy filling.
Very heavy.
Not thinking about eating.
A thick brown tasty coffee flavoured filling.
Brown layering.
Chocolate kiss.
Not listening to the deep tone.
Very smudgy.
Licking thick cream.
Blurry browny.
Not seeing everything but only feeling.
Nice tasty intense.
Deep brown.
Chocolate filling.

To all the people who are tired, overwhelmed, fighting and/or feeling depressed: You rock, you are an amazing, magical being. A warrior deserving of a world that’s loving and giving. You have so much power in you. But it’s always being drained because you give the world so much of you. I’m not going to say thank you because this world to me is not one I like to be in. But your fighting’s not in vain. The world beyond this one may recognize your beauty and your work. May you one day find that thankfulness, that loving and that giving. A world where you can be in. In every way that you deserve to. Find whatever you are longing for with care and so much healing. A way of existing that doesn’t take anything but just gives back what you’ve been in need for. For so long. Hold on, hold on. We all are one!

Overwhelmed staring.
I kept on resting this morning. Your energy is so lovely just like yesterday. And like last night. I didn’t even worry about sleep. Slept enough anyway in the end after a fight here and there. In me, everlasting overwhelming stare. And you make me want to continue the fight while I know it’s not alright. Only for a while and another....

That kinda hurt.
That OCD on my head.
All the guys are standing around there.
Hold my hand shadow, hold my hand.

I lie my body with a quilted coat before the fountain.
Underneath the trees that keep dropping things and the birds are in them.
The guys are watching from the pavement.
They are watching a lady covered in plastic playing the paino with her cat.

Nobody sees me lying down near the fountain.
Listening to dust to dust to dust.....
I need to trust, or should I always?
It will always turn out how you feel it should in the end.

You have to go through it, you're allowed to be sad.
But you can be happy in the moment.
I sing so loud, basically crying on the street ignoring everybody.
The wind is so fresh on my buzzed cut, yeah!

Hold my hand shadow, hold my hand.
This will take a little while more.
This will hurt a little longer.
Cause you weren't able to disappear into the air.

And leave to go anywhere cause this guy called you back again.
That didn't hurt at all.
It made me feel so much more alive than the days before.
But I was still feeling, I was actually bursting all the time before he pulled me back.

I want to break out of this.
I want to lie on his bed.
I want to stare back at these guys watching a lady in plastic playing.
I want to be playing the games that I choose.

Not the ones that are happening because I am stuck in this game.
But I want to feel my own feelings, even in here.
Let me experience it all.
Let me tease you into staring at me like the world is disappearing.
And we are not!

Dragging myself outside, heavy neck and eyelids.
Music let's me fly.
You can fly with your eyes closed.
I float untill my body hits the ground.

Tomorrow is a strange thing.
It keeps on happening but you're never there.

So is my longing.
My longing for death.

Out of love I shall come.
Out of love I will go.

I believe in myself.
I have to do what I have to do.

Somehow.
Somehow I can.

Death is so strange.
Life is insane.

And people take it as fact.
But it's all just an act and a trap.

So,

Out of love I shall come.
Out of love I will go.

I must, I can't just be sick or old.
Suddenly explode.

No, I must fight.
As always.

But I believe in myself.
I have to do it alone.

Out of love for myself.
Out of love for tomorrow.

The day when I passed away.
And there will be no tomorrow for me.

I'll be off into the far away.
Swimming, living in a tree.

Singing and diving.
Never again dying.

I love you.
Please keep loving me.

And believe in yourself.
Don't let anybody tell you what to do.

Believe in your feelings.
Believe in your love.

Cause,

Out of love I shall come.
Out of love I will go.

One day it will be that day.
Actually tomorrow.

Then the suffering and torture,
they'll be finally over.

I hate this life out of love.
Out of love I hate the suffering of the people.

One day it will be that day.
Actually tomorrow.

Out of love and understanding.
Out of love for myself and you.

Out of love for the universe.
The love from the universe.

Out of love I shall come.
Out of love I will go.

Part of me feels so much like I should’ve died years ago.
The other part knows that I wasn’t supposed to cause the mess was too great even to leave it behind.
So the mess became a large deep pit of information with me dancing in it.
Till I could finally find a way to shoot myself above all that.

It feels so good to love you.
I know it's wrong to.
To even tell you cause you'll lose me.
Life's never been easy.
Not to you or me so let's pick a day to lie down and cuddle.
Let's be in love again and just stay in that bubble.
For one day.
One more day, ok?

I just ate a quarter of a whole apple pie on my own.
I feel so alone, I feel so alone, I feel so alone.
I'm longing for you and you only.
But if I loved you too much I'd just be leaving you lonely.
Even though you've always managed to pull yourself through life.
Losing your best friends, your father, your wife.
She's still your number one, that's fine.
Cause for now I can love you and for a moment you're mine.

Please be with me and hug me even if it's just for one more day again.
I love you, I love you, you are my favourite man.
I hate life, I have to get out, I can't do anything.
But the only thing that feels right is just being with you and loving.
And you will hate me for the pain I'm causing, you can't seem to be able to ever get a break.
I think by now life is just trying to see how much you can take.

Taking on me.
Till I'm gone fully.
Eat me like the quarter of a whole apple pie.
With whipped cream and everything till the day that I die.
Just for a day, for one more night and morning.
Cause I'll still always be longing.
As long as my body is still breathing I want yours against it.
Even if it's just an evening till the reality must hit.

It feels so good to love you.
I know it's wrong too.
To even tell you cause you'll lose me.
And life's just never been easy.
Not to you or me so let's pick a day to lie down and cuddle.
Be in love again like you said it: we're at our best in that bubble.
Even if it's just for one day.
One more day, ok?

Let me take you to my sanctuary.
I know I can't take you out of your misery.
And probably make things worse a lot.
With all that struggling that my head brings from the relationship we've got.
My brain and your brain.
Build to let our heart frequency go down too far, down through the drain.

Not that it can completely do that or ever fully will.
It just makes us both feeling exhausted, pretty bad and really ill.
But we're always taking steps, step by step, learning.
Keeping balance, trying and giving just about everything.

We're like yin and yang.
But there's a shotgun on our heads: bang bang!
Take it, suffer, fight intensely, fall down, there's nothing that you can do.
So let me show you where I used to go to.
The fight's insane.
I want to make it ok and release you from your brain.

You know you are strong, I am too.
I needed shelter back then so that's where I'm taking you to.
About 8 years ago.
Now you know.

Please heal, we both still have a journey left ahead.
But also done so much work before that it left us feeling (brain)dead.
My body can't turn this around.
But it's time for you to find back that strength and use it again to burn that pain down to the ground.
When the sun will rise, you must do too some day like a phoenix from a flame.

Like I had to in many ways but you should stay there cause you earned it in this horror story game.
Nobody had to suffer like you which makes you that more special.
Like out of all the shining sun rays you're the brightest of them all!
Little sister, let me take you to my sanctuary.
I know I can't take you out of your misery but I can take you here finally.

I can't be who I want to be in here.
Feeling too much and then nothing.
Hurting, only hurting and suffering.
Numbing overwhelming.

Trying to make sense of things while fighting in this dazzling darkness.
Let me go back to how it used to be.
A time where I felt like I was albe to be myself as a piece of universal love.
And to love you.
Or else I don't know why I can't leave this world.

I can't be who I want to be in here.
Feeling too much and then nothing.
Hurting, only hurting and suffering.
Numbing overwhelming.

Hold me like you understand.
Or else just let me leave.
I might as well move on forever, find love beyond here.
And be there for the ones that I care about.
Finding truth, finding myself, being a piece of universal love.

Without hurting eyes and a hurting mind.
Singing my way through the tunnels and the worlds beyond this place that's hurting.
How would I know to be ready when I don't know what it feels like?

Can't I just love you again and pretend it's all alright?
No, because it's not and it will never be.
So let me go!

I can't be who I want to be in here.
Feeling too much and then nothing.
Hurting, only hurting and suffering.
Numbing overwhelming.

I've been holding my breath for too long.
Even with my eyes closed it's exhausting.
Just hold my body in the ocean.
I know it's just the ocean, I know it's just me lying.....

It's cold and exhausting.
Always restless, always a mess, my mess, my own.
I'm falling alone.
I'm singing on my own.

Even though I walk outside.
Even when I have a friend.
I love you but I'm swimming, flying and falling here.
All alone every night and day.

Even when you grab my hand.
I'm in this body all alone.
I have nobody else to hold it for me here.
I pretend to fly when I'm outside.
It sounds like I am, the birds sure seem to think I'm one of them.
Together we're screaming.
But I'm still here on the ground.
Curling up so heavily.

The ground may just send a little wave all the way to where you live.
Can you feel it?
If you can't feel me now or understand me, I might as well leave completely.

When people mean well and try to give advise it bothers me.
Sometimes I get angry, you don't know.
You don't get how it feels even though you're hurting too.
Just hold this body, hopefully it will feel right this time.
I still want to love.
Choose love.

Let it calm me.
Just hold on to it.
Love around here feels so blurry.
It doesn't fit inside.
Not inside this heavy broken piece that is me in here.
Cracking every day and night.

Maybe you can just hold me like a gem again.
I could be flickering all over.
All over you.
Spread me out and throw me in the sky.
I won't feel so heavy.

The sand is sparkly, holding my body.
The ocean just pushed me back to the land.
I've been holding my breath for too long.
Even with my eyes closed it's exhausting.

If I don't cry hysterically, the migraine will come.
A swirl of blocks and bricks of pain is brightly moving through my sight.
So I listen to my heart and body while slightly moving them into another direction.
Just because I don't deserve to cry over somebody that's telling lies.
I had the strength to move through life because you gave me a reason.
Now I move to try to escape the pain.
I'm not moving on, I'm fighting on as always.
But I don't want to do it all by myself no more.
I'm feeling too old for that now and why should I have to?
There's no reason left to do so anymore since the 8 days that I'm waiting.
Waiting for nothing.
Because the truth came out and it's too late to try to make it right.
Cause you are not sorry, it turns out.
So I'm waiting for a reason that turned out to be a lie.

Call me and say you're sorry, please.
But this can never happen again.
So I should not wish for that.
Cause it's not something that will change immediately.
Something in me wishes: maybe.
But that must be an illusion.
I can't just fix your issues like that.
Even if I kept a close eye.

It's your way of living, your way of dealing with the pain.
The pain you don't deserve.
Causing me pain when you deal with it in a toxic way.
Pain I don't deserve.
I already needed a warrior for my horrible fights but you are wounded too.

Sometimes it works, when the music fills me and I can give you all the love I feel.
Or you give your love to me cause for you it comes so easily.
You really are so loving and giving.
Although admitting defeat is not at all an easy thing for you to do.
Even though you're already perfect in every way and in this world you make mistakes.
It's all part of this Matrix, you see?

But you don't want to see, especially when you bring yourself into a toxic form of serenity.
Listen to that music and feel the loving touch, you may want to try it instead.
Maybe I am just too much with everything else going on.
That is where it hurts the most, that you don't dare to give yourself completely.
Because I can't give myself to life.

I always go so deep or high, never just on the ground, the ground can't hold my heaviness inside.
That heavy feeling or a bursting, never leaving, always exploding.
It's hard when it keeps pushing, when you keep pushing.
I should be running.

But there's no direction in the end as long as I'm here in this world.
I want to fly, dive into the ground, take you with me and turn everything around.
Upside down and rolling over, maybe visit and old place again.
See how everything has changed now so we have something to smile about.

Some things don't change or don't change for the better.
I am more tired than ever now.
But still a warrior although very much in pain all the time.
Just trying to make it to see what's coming.

But what if there's no reason to be a warrior anymore?
You just start wandering without any purpose.
You've done the travelling, you've seen and heard all about most things in life.
You're just walking around the finish line hoping for a way to cross or to fall into a rabbit hole.

Anything that takes you out that's quick and fast.
Oh please let me see a way like that some day soon.
I'll be going gladly and not with so much misery.
Cause some things don't change and leaving this world voluntarily without help is the worst.
To me.
But I either need to live a life or not.
Cause it's no way of being or to be loved when you're wandering and waiting to leave everything.
And be free of this world forever so all of these horrible things will be over.

I used to lie down in the fields with the hills late at night.
I know here on earth you have to work for what you need, you have to fight....

Looking up to the sky I asked for knowledge about life.
Let me please find out the reason why I have to be here being tortured, why I have to be alive!

I spread my arms and felt the raindrops on my face and my whole body.
Then I went to the tree in the centre, curled up around it asking for a friend to understand me.

Later I did receive the answers from the years and beautiful people that came by.
So now I should be thankful to receive everything I asked for but I still feel I like I could die.

I also learned to claim my power, everybody is allowed to.
It's a power to get what we wish for, we have a right to, me and you.

Let's claim our power!
It's always been our power.
Our!

I’m a sea in the wind and you are my ray of sunlight.
I can be on my own.
Free and wild.
But I don’t feel the warmth of a loving light that I can reflect.

I choose to feel you when I can.
Even when it’s causing lightning.
Or when your rays are painfully sharp to my eyes.
Then I’ll still keep on trying to find a way to let my waves run wild with your light shining through.

Just like you always seem to find me through the clouds.
You wait for me and then come out again. Without you I am a cold wild sea.
With you I’m reflecting sunrays.

And the colours are sparkling in the wind. Sometimes painfully blinding.
But always warm and always more interesting, more beautiful, more meaningful, intensely shining.
Like it’s not when you’re not around.
So let me reflect your light even though I’m salty, wild and heavy.
I let you be in your full glory still.

We will find a way to make it happen.
Even though it stings, it hits so hard, it hurts like waves of despair.
I want your light in my water, through my dark blue waves.

From the white foam with its colours all the way down to the sand.
There will be beauty and nasty monsters in the  deepest parts of my ocean.
You won’t always be able to fully see them and they can’t catch you too well.

They will be there still but that doesn’t keep me from reaching out to you there in the sky. Cause the feeling that you give me makes me come to life sometimes.
Be my shining light.
Even when there’s only rainstorms and we are far apart.
Even when I’m so wild for a while, I’ll still try to be there with you. To reflect your loving light and let the colours sparkle.

The foamy colours come through and it’s all because of the beauty of your light and my wild reflecting waves that go so deep.
Deeper than anybody could ever see.
And you are so high, so warm and bright, not everybody can reach you.
You are a ray of light above the sea.

Not everybody can reach you but your beauty is clear to see by many.
So keep shining even when I’m dying and the sand is drying.
Nothing stays the same forever.
Like the waves of a wild sea like me and the colours of your light.

While I’m with you I suddenly remember
there was a time where I didn’t want to die.
Now I can’t even remember why.
Tonight an old clock suddenly chimes.
After having been switched off long ago.
It chimes for a while, later just 3 times.
The other clock in front of it starts waking up also.

12 times, 12 chimes.
Then silence without any answers.
About why they did that like non of it matters.
And I’m holding you in my arms as we are dancing.
To the chiming.
In your house with your clocks that should’ve been switched off.
You and I dancing through the pain, the agony of life and the serenity of love.

Some of your special people moved on, some still hang around.
As we dance they can all come join us when they hear their perfect sound.
The flames burn high, move from left to right.
You play Leonard Cohen, his voice is soothing in the night.

I go to bed at 12:03 AM
It’s all just silent like I am.
Finally I’m not waking and you are also slowly heading off to dreamland.
In the morning I still watch you sleep with your bald head on your strong hand.
I love you so.
I silently go.

We’ll meet later for our next mission.
And we do it without tension.
Because we can and we understand.
Everything that happens here and what happens in a far away land.
So far from the layers around this world there is a place for you and me.
I figured that out eventually.
Together with you I remembered why.
Most people never want to die.

There was a time where non of us understood how anybody would.
Just move on, move up, high and far.
To find out who we really are.
I’d love to go and I’d love to know.
Why an old clock suddenly chimes after been switched off long ago.

I cannot live with somebody else.
I cannot even live with myself.

Tomorrow a new part of my life starts.
And I don't know when it will end.
I'm just gonna do what I have to do.
And everything else can *******.

I keep adjusting things.
Some moments I feel like I'm really living.
Improving things and learning also feels necessary.
But it keeps going on and on.

There will never be a moment where everything is finished.
Only one thing is certain, everybody dies.
I keep on finishing things.
As long as I have to live this life.

Only when I'm possitive it's time to leave for real I can let go completely.
Then the music will play and it will take a while but I can get through this state.
A state of letting go and going through the layers.
Above this world, above all different places where one can believe to go or be.

Or the curve of going back to earth.
I'll break that forever for me as well.
Although a friend once told me: everything can be reborn.
I wouldn't want to, not in here.

I will not sign a contract, I will not believe a story if it doesn't feel completely right.
Freedom is the key and so is me, I am the key to my own freedom.
I get to decide.
And the time you and I have spent will never be in vain.

We'll meet again as well.
If we both want to we will.
Like we are together now because we want to.
Like I want to finish things and you want to prove that you can do anything.

But let me tell you a secret: You CAN do anything!
You already have and you will.
Always living in or outside the norm.
Maybe you are too good at living.

I am not good at living but I'm too good at surviving.
Always feeling like hell.
Trying to adjust.
And in the meantime I'm finishing things.

And inbetween all these things there is love between us.
Everlasting like we say.
Because it's true.
We will meet again and again and again...... Always