i turn to god and ask him silently
what right do you have to determine our lives?
the strings of fate, grip us tightly
we are bound for the path you have set for us
how much are you going to keep robbing the poor?
until they've spent every last of their expenditure
what choice do the poor men have?
they can only follow along reluctantly.
on and on, to the front they go
like ants they die out, quietly.

Living in the past
You should have known it'd never last
You were never there
You were never anywhere to found

With nowhere to call home
You left them to die
All alone on their own
But you should have known
They'd make it past eighteen
They lived their lives, they survived the horrid lies

So **** this mortality,
You don't deserve to be forgiven.
Just rot, rot and rot
Suffer like the ******* you are,
You don't deserve mercy,
Die.

even if you are not my god
even if you are no longer my savior
because i have nothing left
i will offer myself up to the altar for yoh
and embrace you willingly

even if it hurts me dearly
even if my heart starts to bleed
because i am nothing without you
i will give up my dreams for you
and lose myself willingly

even if i must endure all forms of suffering
even if i must die over and over again
because you have become my everything
i will sacrifice my live and love for you
and pass on willingly

people's faces are losing meaning in my eyes
people's words are losing sentiment in my mind
oh dear god, in my time of need,
why have you forsaken me?

Apologies fill my head
How can I explain my actions?
Forgiveness is out of the question
I'm sorry, for lying
A story without its conclusion
I'll leave the stage
I'm tired of this endless suffering
I'm still stuck in the beginning
Drifting.

What to do? What to do?
Sorrow fills my bones
Sorrow, I'm sorry.
How can I ever get you to look at me the same?
I know you're gone
And it's exhausting
You're gone, and this love is toxic.

But where else could I go?
Only home, in your arms.
So accept me back, my love.
Hold me tight, hold me close
Love me forever, and love me the most.
While I make many empty promises
Like when I promised you
That I would never leave
I never meant for it to turn out to be a lie
If I had told you, a long time ago
How I truly felt, how I loved you so
Would you still have left, and let me go?

Regrets are boundless.
I’m sorry dearest,
I understand your grief
And I’m sorry for leaving,
Will you forgive me?

nothing is worth the risk
no price is worth paying
if it means you end up dying
but i didn't heed no warnings
i still went ahead, and ruined things
despite everything, i couldn't change a thing.

With trembling cold feet,
and tightly clasped palms,
An emptiness fills me.

Organs spill out,
tumbling and mumbling amongst one another,
in a broken disjointed mess.

In the recesses of life,
the hotlines are dead,
and so will I, be too,
soon am I to be put to bed.
All alone. Quiet.

Whispers, the cries of those who suffered,
under this wretched, unwanted being.
The graverobbers in our own skin,
shifting, waiting to escape.
To pry loose, to hurt.

Forget. Dream. Sink.
This modern day suicide,
in every sense of the world.
With my eyes closed, and a head empty,
I am not loved.

guilt, guilt, guilt!
it swallows me whole,
and devours my insides,
leaving nothing left.
i am consumed by it,
every fiber of my being,
lost to the feeling.
regrets bubble up in my throat,
mistakes ive made fill up my mind and make me spiral.
how could someone love someone so imperfect?
how could i ever forgive myself?
do i deserve forgiveness, god?
i plead for an answer, but i can only wallow in my misery.
sorry, sorry, sorry, a thousand times,
but the intended receiver never accepts my plea of pity,
because i will never forgive myself for my endless sins.
sorry.
did i say too much?

if someone asks me
what good have you done with your life
the only thing i can answer is
nothing
the end is the best part
bliss within respite
finality for those who seek
paradise

what does it matter?
i tire, i toil tirelessly
my mind goes awander
im not sure where i am now
in the moment, or lost forever
that, i think about carefully,
something i take the time to ponder
when one is far apart from another,
does that make the heart grow fonder?
or cause the bond between two to grow stronger
a striking question indeed, i wonder.

Skies up above, raining tears
I want to love you addictively,
Like a ****, I devour your dreams with a sickening smile
Pretending to be a blooming rose during the day,
I steal you away in the night
My embrace feels suffocating.

Heartless murderer, justify cruelty with love
Harboring no regret, no criminal charge
I've crushed you to pieces
Strangled your lively soul with ****** hands
Don't think, don't try, don't leave
Failure is all that waits
You need me to live, you need me to be happy
This is my protection, my promise.

I wish for no one else to see your beauty-
Abandoning you to dry, under the burning sun
Wilting and drooping, your stalk begins to twist
Downwards goes this fall, a descend to madness
Losing yourself, forgetting your way,
You resemble someone I've once known,
Different, but all the same.

Lies and lies and lies form the roots,
With your buds all dead and gone,
I've torn up your petals, erasing your memory
No replacements, no escape
The flower I loved, now all mine.

Thorns entangled
Even the loveliest of roses
Won't let go

Red paints this sky
A dull hue
Please, bleed into my eyes

Bruised, broken and buried,
I love you.

disposure of the corpse
exposure to the corruption
losing my composure
how can you be absolutely sure
that it was enough?

the lies, the false narrative
you tricked those people.
you tricked me, with your deceit
yet you smile knowingly, confidently
taking your chance to escape

you flee the scene
a criminal to everyone that sees
hiding in the dark, hidden from sight
you sit there alone, almost painstakingly
one must lament.

i slice open the flesh that was offered before me
a dedication to a cause most meaningful
i give myself over, now and fully
the little drops, slippery and small
drip down below, embracing the fall.

Dearest Captain,

The one at the helm of my ship
Leading the path through the storm
These tides rock me over, making me uneasy  
Between the devil and the deep blue sea, it truly is-
Suffocating like the waves, who steals the air out of my lungs
Ferocious like the wind, who knocks the breeze out of my sails.

Alas my savior, I will confess
With my love as boundless as the sea
And as vast as the endless ocean
I must ask for your guidance once more-
Be my only compass, and liberate this process of thinking
I wish for nothing less, and nothing more.

Show me the light, kind sailor
Tell me which way to go
Which way to think, which way to breathe,
You are my everything,
You mean the world to me.
It pains me, from an old seafarer, to say these words.
To my dear Captain, my journey ends here.
Fair Winds and Following Seas!

Farewell.

i'd date the moon
just to be able to see the stars
in the vast night sky
alluring, dazzling eyes
surrounded in a deep sea of lies,
let me drown, in your mesmerising dream.

Lines blend together,
words, stories, pass by in a blur.
Nothing seems to make sense,
not anymore.

Stringing my nonsense into something intelligible,
something to make sense.
Of all the muffled scrambles of things,
and objects out of time,
fixing things into places,
lost memories of strangers in my mind.

Overwhelmed by the presence of choice,
with more and more red crosses,
lacking of not, and not checks,
why can't I get anything right?
This difficulty to remember,
to know what is real,
and what is not.
It troubles me, most deeply.

Enjoy the concord melodies,
these dissonant sounds.
Limbs torn at the hem,
brains splattered from the insides out,
leaving myself to the point of no return.

Smog fills my lungs,
its taste is rough on the edges,
not smooth around my innards.
I rather savour the bitterness of heartbreak,
then experience the cruelty of losing you,
time and time again.

As I choke on liquid plastic,
feeling aspirin burning in my veins,
I can't help but question.
What's the meaning of life?
For we live only to die in the end.

Our bodies are soaked in sin,
and it's too late to swim out.
Tipsy from the thought of even thinking,
and hatred too deep into the bone.
I can't help but sink into despair,
the fruitlessness of it all.

If this is hell, so be it.
Selfish ******* deserve no mercy.
Please let me suffer, and die alone forever.

my head is crushing in on itself about,
it feels like its about to pop.
can't think straight,
can't think clearly,
cant understand what i mean,
or what i meant to say,
chattering nonsense on and on.

im ready to spill,
with my organs still intact
and the curves and lines and guts inside,
lined up in a corner,
all neat and tidy and organised.

words spit themselves out from my mouth,
like little tiny faults and cuts across my tongue.
i drink on sorrow out a gasoline pump
lost in a facade of my identity
with no destination,
no path leading home.

let me squeeze my insides open
and make myself whole again.
with teeth yellowed,
eyes bloodshot,
throat burning and sore.
im set to go down a rabbit hole
and never climb back out.

emotions roam about uncontrollably,
they stick out in odd places,
and poke through the holes in my skin,
making it look ugly.

as i fill my holes with the alcohol,
these odd jobs and poor grades,
nothing seems the same,
nothing seems right,
nothing, nothing, nothing.
i am nothing less, nothing more.

overdosing on caffeine,
hitting the dopamine rush,
staying up late.
theres not enough of my melancholy,
to fill my bleeding heart.

im a sad little kid,
with a broken radio.
playing static sounds over and over,
mimicking a silly lullaby,
to hide that im all alone.

the only way out,
a final escape,
is to lose my own hand.
so i will live with the self-pity,
this selfish way to die.
waiting, waiting, waiting- snap!
for the day i can finally say goodbye.

plunge your sword into my chest,
and bury my miserable, twisted heart.
the red rivers gush out, aching for their freedom,
rivets of starry-eyed tears fall from the heavens above,
and onto the depths of the below, the endless, dark abyss.

rejoice, the foul beast has been slayed!
the horrible, wretched creature, dead beyond the grave.
swallow your bitterness thickly, and curse the despicable monster,
the lump in my throat grows bigger, and i curse the ******* before me.
determination fills my core, oozing and swirling about my stance,
i fall in despair, tumbling down the endless sea of nothingness.

with only the stars to witness my final act, my greatest deed for the world,
the savior of the living, the vanquisher of evil.
i am your unknown hero, with tales of heroics unsung and untold, all too unfamiliar.
alone in my due time, my only companions are the whispers in the wind.

forever left to roam the world, eternal in my solitude,
no friend, no foe, just my pitiful self.
the only escape resting in my very own hand, my life, my blade, my death.

i still don't know what i'm trying to be
can't tell when things went south, yeah
my life is collapsing all around me
these words spew out of your ******* mouth
you call this true love, another lie
weren't you the one saying you'd leave?
now i'm only one left, asking why
people must suffer before they finally die.

pink and pretty lungs
dont you get me
ruining you mind
dont you see me
how much will it take
until its finally enough
how much must you break
until it's over?

why bother giving birth to a child if you despise them so
**** me already, let me ******* go
dont suffocate me in this oppressive embrace
just let me die, at least give me this final grace

The bleeding carcass of the rotting sun
Stretches upon,
under an insipid ocean.

Vast lands,
an eye only can see,
But never glance upon the silver of another moon.

do you regret your mistakes?
the way you breathe, the way you live,
theres no going back to the way things were
doesnt the quiet silence haunt you?
clouding your vision, looming overhead,
lays the weight of your past sins,
sliding off your measly mortal shoulders
like raindrops, against the howling wind
inconspicuous in the storm.

the spirit of a ghost withers away
in the eyes of the world, it stills
what does it mean to live freely?
no one knows the answer, but we can try
to live without regrets, is the greatest joy
unfortunately, life may go astray,
but still, try to live your life,
it's the only one you get in this lifetime
i wonder why, people are only born once?
is it because we cherish things more?
they say second chances are true, but what is the redo for life?
you only have one opportunity, so you must take it
i regret my choices, but i must move on
no matter what, grab the strands of life firmly
and go into the light, standing bravely
embrace your number one,
your only one.

from the book of a dying patient
from the words of a deceased soul
from the thoughts of a dead brain
i used to think life was better when i was alive
maybe it's an obvious fact
but i could still move freely
i could still speak freely, dream freely
i could still think coherently
but now i am useless
rotted to the bone
the maggots are invaded my flesh
and the knife has carved out my insides
the insects have made a home out of my dying self
my guts have spilled out
scattered on the floor like my incessant thoughts
like a sacred offering in an act of desperation
to reverse the wheel of fate, and grant me more days
but alas it proved useless in the end,
just like my existence
a little something to remember me by
i'm sorry for existing
for taking up space from others
but you no longer have to worry about dead weight
for now, i am a dead, back space.
it's endless, unwelcoming, and deathly cold-
blank, eternal death.

words flow about freely
something i never thought i would see
but then i hoped to see you again
and that came true, didn't it?
i thought i lost you forever, my former self
to the ends of the earth i travelled, looking for you
finally, at the finale of the journey, i realised-
you were with me all along, waiting.

even now,
i cannot bring myself
to utter the words quietly
its over.
war is over.

trapped in a cage, a prison of my own making
i ripped your wings, to set myself free
you have molded, into a person of my own design
you change yourself, to attend my every need
on the inside, all i feel empty,
harrowing guilt eats me alive
knowing i have killed you, that much indeed
i'm sorry for ever living, for taking all that is dear to me
in the end, i lost my only friend.

What am I doing here?
A fish above saltwater
Blurry faces, erased places
I can't breathe
It's your fault.

bleeding hearts, buried amongst one another.
a casket of tomes, a stolen freedom
sword at the helm, an owner long gone,
one final strike, is all it took.

step after step through the sweltering heat
a thousand of tears drip down my chin
as i gaze down upon the endless valleys.

the fearless, facing the unknown
with bravery dying alongside their hearts,
yet coursing, rushing, and blazing through mine.

tear down the banners,
storm the city!
burn the listless memories.
tell the whole world-
the cruel fury of a god is no more.

with freedom is on the horizon,
all but a glimpse away,
hope blooms once more,
it lights up the darkest of times,
soothing the aches of my heart.

to reenact the spark of rebellion,
to purge this world of destruction,
to rid of this wretched eternity.
one final strike, is all i'll need.

But why?
Why?
Purpose fills my mind
I don't understand a thing
It's quiet, no words are spoken,
Just pure, suffocating silence
Take me home,
I've assimilated with the garden of bones.
Are you feeling happy now?
Finally you have peace
No more noise screaming in your head
Such gratifying relief.

in hindsight, i should have known.
to me, living has become a burden
from joy, it turns into misery
now, i breathe because i must
from ignorance, it forms into necessity

i've given up on all my hopes and dreams
losing my will to live, open my eyes and stir
waking up is such a chore, i'm so sick and tired of it all
my fragile mind is bursting at the seams
i think i miss who you once were

nowadays, all i do is pathetically weep
telling myself life will get better, that familiar lie
i spend my time sinking, into a painless sleep
praying that someday, i'll finally have the courage to die.

my brain feels so exhausted
like i can't think can't talk cant try
i don't want to
my head hurts
it feels like in a moment, it might blow up, burst and pop!
rolling to the side, like a lone little thing
my body dismayed, akin to a saggy ragdoll
the cracks underneath my skin, so thin and tiny
broken broken broken human
can you even call yourself a person
i throw up looking at my reflection in the mirror
i can't recognise that figure behind the screen
a liar
you lied
happiness is nowhere near
i am alone
all alone
with my thoughts racing in my head, ready to explode

Oh.
So many voices, crumbling in the grooves of my brain
Chanting, questioning, whispering
Where did it all go wrong?
I can't help but rub the temple of my head
And feel the firm, hardness of my cranium
Reminiscing on the work put in by my parents to create this trouble, to invent this mistake
Painstakingly so, I ponder

I want to waste it all.

To ruin this effort, to rid myself of humanity
I'm thinking about dying.
I'm thinking about how-
To gain a glaring spot between my eyes
To bare a gaping hole through my insides
To slice up thin, disorderly rows and bleed out dry.

I look up to the heavens, eyeing the strands of my fate
All tied neatly with a gift ribbon
The hands above offered me a string, to tether my soul closer to God
I find myself nearer to the sky, in the form of a crass, hanging oval
Perfectly shaped, for my humble, bowed pathway
That connects my skull to the rest of my body
Please, I beg softly, to the one in the sky
Let me pass, let this purgatory end.

And then, I look down below,
To the one that got away
The **** of the earth, those who shall never be loved, never be named
And I can't help but think-
That I belong there, with them
That I must suffer for my sins, alongside them.

Dreaming was something I regret deeply.
Now, I must live out the rest of my days,
Filled with meaninglessness, forgetting about what could have been
For failing to remember my place amongst the people
And for thinking I could ever be happy.

take the apple that sink your teeth into its flesh
biting, chewing, ruining the appearance
it's ugly now, no one wants you
discard and throw it away
that useless piece of junk, a wasted garbage
bleeding, dripping, it's a mess
my mind aching, sinking, everything is falling apart
devour me whole, you love me
corrupt me entirely, you hate me
i'll give my form willingly,
to the first person who stalked on the high
for this worthless name of mine
i beg you to consume me
take your prize, take your dignity
go far, far away, until i forget your name
fail to recall your face, erase you from my memories
please, leave.

The wind flutters freely, while breezes drift about in my hair
A warmth envelopes me, making me feel loved inside
Sweet words like honey, softening my heavy heart
You untied my noose, and set me free
From the shackles of others' expectation, and the burden of being alone
You brought me back to reality.

Now, you hold onto my hand tight,
Never letting go, you showed me the light
Like a shooting star in the night sky,
You blazed brightly, leading me through the dark
You taught me how to fly, amongst the birds, and soar up high.

With the gift of flight, it gave me a purpose
A reason to keep on living, to carry on loving.
Finally, you embraced me softly, and told me something unforgettable-
"I love you too.”

We've lost all our hopes and dreams
Society has clipped our fragile wings
It has taken all of our ambitions
And left us with nothing but a decision.
To give up the world, and all that is dear
to us.
To leave us somber, in our final moments.

The aching in my heart longs for your warmth
With tears welling in the creases and crevices
I feel almost sorry, to see you go
Remembering all the moments we spent together
Looking back at the books of our history
We had many happy memories
Ones that can never be taken back, never be returned
To the same form they used to
Tarnished with cruelty you showed me
I'll never be the same again
Losing myself, piece by piece
Is this what they call, a heartbreaking first love?

i think it's squeezing-
for an answer
for a drop of lemon
for the birth of another
this sensation brings so much-
painful
souring
life.

I'm waiting for when it snows
When the leaves turn withered and old,
And in the night, it gets cold
That's when I'll finally know
I've returned home.

they told me
you'll understand once you're older
and then you left me, lonely
to rot alone, to toil alone
when all i dreamed of was to hold your hand
and maybe be more than a friend
could i ever hope to be more?

maybe not.
maybe this is all a false revelation,
a mistaken confession
maybe it's just another unhealthy obsession.

i can't tell,
from right and wrong
from love and hate
from you and i,
to you, truly,
whom i used to love,
i'm sorry you can't love me.

please, thank god for saving us
and maybe he's out there, trying
but i'm trying too, to get by every day
even when things don't go my way
i turn to your light, for guidance.

Everyone lives like a coffin
People only care about what the person used to be
They love the memory, but not the mistery
Of seeing a beloved one rotting inside
Cheeks pale, eyes closed,
How could anyone think that they were once alive?
A shell of their former self,
Presented neatly for all to see
It's shameful to think about
How, in their last moments,
They are paraded as a tool,
And not treated carefully, like the human they once were.

In a lifetime.
One chance, one dream, one wish.    
I live only once.
Thank god it's only once!
But I long to be free.
I'm caged in a prison.
Was it of my own making?
I stay inside regardless.
I'm afraid to leave.
To see what others might think of me.

A wish. I wish to be happy.
But I get nothing. Brutal agony.
I hate I hate I hate. I hate it.
Or do I simply hate myself?
Questions never get answered.
I can't be happy.
I can never let myself feel-
Nothing other than grief.
I don't deserve anything else
But miserable.

Hello, I ask?
Everyone wants something. Someone.
They always want. They always need.
Always so greedy, always so selfish. But I give in, regardless.
So why do you care? Do you even care?
Please care. Please, love me.
No. I'm wrong, like always.
I mistake your intentions.
I lied to myself. No one loves me.

Now, think. Clearly.
What do I remember?
Nothing. I don't know why.  
I forgot how to speak. How to remember.
Your smile. Your laughter. Your warmth.
The sun rises and falls. You come and go.
I reach out. No one is there.
You're gone like the wind.
Quickly slipping into my heart
And quickly leaving, leaving me to rot.

Who am I?
People say different things, great and good and horrible
I don't know what's the truth.
But when I look into the mirror,
The reflection staring right back at me,
I know it's me.
But it used to be someone else.
No. They are gone now.
I stole them away in the night
Crushed their heart into pieces
Smashed their brain into bits
I took over their identity.
I miss you. I miss me.
But why?
To someone I don't even know,
How can I miss you?

I'm guilty. The red is on my hands.
Everything in my head is screaming
Die, die, and die!
My thoughts, my memories, my love.
Lost all meaning.
I'm falling now.
I don't remember anyone.
I don't remember anything.
I don't remember anymore.  
What did I forget?
Who did I forget?
Why...
I repeat. I don't know. Endlessly.

There is-
One end, and only one death.
One, and only one.
Never less, never more.
Still it's never quite enough.
To live without the dreams,
To love without the memories,  
There is no purpose in this world.    
Forget. Apologize. Repeat.
Again, and again, and again.
I'm tired of this cycle.
Click. Thud. Snap.  
Weep, my dear child.
For whom?
The stars, my soul, and nothing else.

i can't even recognise my own face in the mirror
i can't identify my self-reflection
even after i've stolen all those dashed hopes and dreams
these thoughts can't escape me now
i know i won't ever change
so i don't dare to steal a glance
i'd never look back twice, i promise.

the world has gifted us these hands,
to spread love, not exacerbate hate
it has blessed our eyes with vivid colours,
for us to appreciate, not to differentiate
and thus my heart weeps in sorrow
to see these simple rules not be followed

an explosion racks through my mind
in the dark, there comes a whisper
let me live, let me live
now it begs and screams, haunts me in the night
to let it live, to let it live
and i’m thinking of the weight you carry
the burden you have to bury
yet at the end of the day
i miss her (and so, so much more.)

a craving love can't satiate
an expression i can't help but hate
the voices in my head, criminalising and condescending
this empty feeling, is something i struggle to comprehend
because it's something that i don't understand
in order for the situation to de-escalate
i believe i need some form of escape
to stop myself from thinking about the end,
about when this end will come to be.
oops, i think I've hit my saturate
that wasn't my intent, surely?
i see, my world must be ending
so in hopes for the future, i must repeat the sentiment-
woe is me!

I'm glad I left your room tidy.

When they come for your things,
I'll whisper your name,
why the room was too full,
too suffocating.

Too much, too little,
a glass half full,
its emptiness consumes me whole.
It tips over to the edge, barely in place.

You smile and smile and smile it seems so real, but the water is piping hot,
the smoke and ashes form pretty shades on my arms,
I can't help but choke.

An unquenchable thirst,
a lump in my throat that seems to burst out,
I cough, you wretch.

All for a flower.
I crush its leaves,
the petals in my eyes,
my vision clouds,
I stumble,
The plug is pulled.

The hotline is dead.
Sinking deeper, out of the ***,
and into the boiling sea.
The room is angry.
A raging fire,
spitting flames of contempt.

The pale, cold floor,
my eyes unfocused,
like your bed,
empty.

A dream of a future,
all gone.

The walls tear and chew themselves on the inside, the carpet shrivels up and sinks.
Red and roses were your favorite.

A pretty sight,
all the roses that bloomed across your chest,
the chill in your bones never seemed to leave.

Few of those flowers blossom.
Thick, long vines of red,
trickle down from my wrists and onto the floor,
spreading out into beautiful roses.

I'm glad I left your room tidy, my beloved.

Chores can finally rest easy tonight, and so can you.