I'm at that age
Where I start thinking about the reason I'm living
And why I should keep existing with such cruelty
All these thoughts grow and take root in the brains
Squeezing to fit, inside the spaces in my skull
They become too heavy, too thick for my head
And burst out to escape, dying in the process
When I'm thinking about all these big things
I feel small, little and tiny,
I'm barely sixteen,
Yet I wish to die so early.

can i just die!
i led my life astray, meandering
im so tired of this awful suffering
ive asking myself over and over again
why? why put up with this misery?
with no course to cross back to,
and no love reserved for me.
did you even see me as a friend?
or just another means to an end.
i think you've left irreparable scars in my heart
you make me question if everything was worth it
you make me wonder if i even deserve it
maybe i should just give up on this life and restart
somehow i'd make amends for my past mistakes
in this situation, all you did was take
and take and take until i had nothing left
and then you left me.
see this pain, and the tragedy of this relationship
something that can't be fixed with a mere  bandage
it just all went to ****.
all the times we spent together,
all the memories we made together
yet i could never be that her, huh?
tell me the truth, im a *****, admit you are.
you only wanted me until i asked for no more
im a worthless pawn in your scheme, your plans, (rit.)
you only kept me until i started to bite
im a parasite that ****** your parts dry
you only loved me until you grew tired,
i'm just a pretty little appendage that fit the bill
wasted my time, what for?
i went ahead and ****** up my life
things started to go awry
now society swallowed me whole, and spit the innards back out
ive been rejected even by the outcasts
shamed and turned away, always outclassed
when you know you can only lose,
when you know you can never win,
kinda makes me want to throw in the towel
and say fin-!
i hate every moment of this torment
i didnt understand why you hated it
this is what you meant.
it's no place for me, this earth
i feel judged for every word that escapes my lips
the world out there is unkind, cruel
its rough on the misled and misunderstood
im coughing the flumes out of my lungs,
and theres something else, on the tip of my tongue
maybe i'd be better off dead.
this toxicity is ruining the creases of my face
im tasting the bitter vitriol.
ive had enough of this horrid place,
surely, i wont miss any of this, right?
yeah. i'd think so.
thus, i go quietly into the night,
goodbye, and goodbye.

for your raging voice to be heard
in the midst of scurrying chatter
i scream endlessly to the winds
praying you wouldn't die alone
please, please, stay safe, my dear
don't get hurt in the crossfire

bullets rain down on the battlefield
im crying for your safe return
but when you show up at the door, all tattered and blown
im seeing your chest right through a hole
my mind starts to drown in wretched agony
all the fated fears consume me whole
and the crushing anguish seeps into my bones

a bittersweet feeling, of a selfish victory
where you win nothing in the world
and lose everything in the aftermath
your life and your love, your one and only everything
the flags are raised in surrender
happy men laugh to toast over the end
their cheers ringing in my ears, always too loud
to cover up the misery of their fallen friends.

finally, i know it's over.  
i should be happy, right?
but i still miss you tirelessly
they say time can't heal all wounds
still painted crimson red- raw, fresh and tender.

i sit by myself, at the dining table
eating my cold runny eggs,
with a cracked cup of coffee,
the weather outside a damning storm.
and the realization hits like a raging hurricane
you're not coming home, forever.

if i tie a knot around my neck
and step off quickly,
will that make the process go much more smoothly
and finally cement the choice as wholly mine?
after being in the wings for so long,
can i grow a pair of my own, finally?
does this mean my life is over, the suffering lost,
and the tears spilled along the way, meaningless?
ever since i came out into the world,
and had to face my reflection, my own making,
i could see every part of my mistakes,
i was my own undoing.
there is no fixing this error, it started when i was born
so maybe the solution is to die
to end myself.

the words written above
are a struggle to express honestly
when i depart, in the middle of the night
i think of everyone, carefully and earnestly
forever, thank you, and-
goodbye.

when the last of the cries fade away
finally, i will learn the real reason why
the glorious revolution died
before my very eyes.
a battalion gone in a spark
the small ****** world goes dark
leaving not a soul to be seen in the chaos.

the howling winds echo,
with tales of the men that charted for home
yet, they will never return from the battlefields
resting alone, surrounded by the cruel plains

i can hear how the guns went off, a bang!
and the next second, the telephone rang
"your husband's dead," the telephone man said
"he isn't here right now, he's lying on his deathbed."
"he won't be coming home."

then, their wives will cry alone in agony
of the tragedy they had become
to the sons who met an unfortunate end,
please bid farewell, to your freedom.

hello? am i still your only friend?
lonely is me, woe is death
we are one and the same, too alike for our own good
love you, love me, love everything about life, despise everything about death

there is only one way of thinking, one way of breathing
but never one way of living, but only one way of dying
regretfully. sorrowfully. a demise unfitting of a person.
that is the death i wish for, i yearn for
one deserving for a sinner like me.

i cannot help but rejoice
my victory is never certain, my defeat is inevitable
but the thought of my life at its end, at the brink of salvation known as death
brings me great comfort, joy and peace.

i know that the end is near, and i welcome it willingly
the light is not silent, the darkness is but solitude
in the end i can only choose myself to be happy, but it is an impossible task.
loneliness, my friend,
my only companion in these humbling moments.

i fight day to day, with a knife as my sword, and overwhelming emotions as my last love
i cant help but struggle against the uncertainty, knowing my last breath draws closer
it makes more the satisfying conclusion, an end to the cycle
quiet, steady, like a beating heart
a whisper, a dew drop, in the flowing mist
a piano key, that note out of place
its eerie, mysterious, and a quiet peace I've never known.

look at the burnt crevices of my palm,
the mutilation of my corpse's life
dissect and bleed my heart tonight
i want a premature death, burning in purgatory

my greatest crime was deceiving oneself, my greatest deed putting the headless human out of misery
i have sunk in too deep, beyond gods salvation
too much lost in the wreckage,
love wont save me now.

please, heaven, give me salvation
and end my misery once more
let me lie at peace with my sins
and bask in the glory of my youth,
look past the misdeeds of a miscreant
idolize my youth, despise my presence,
love what is perfect, not what is missing
armed with only this bittersweet memory
i mourn for the youth you were robbed of.

i know im a disaster at heart,
a sailor always lost at sea
all i just want to is to have one restart
and finally be free
but little sweet death's too good for me
so i continue on toiling fruitlessly

its a choice to continue, a choice to give up
a choice to sell your soul to a devil, to give up happiness for mercy
to over indulgence in the recesses of life, to forget who you once were
to be too human, to be beyond saving

will you please allow me another chance?
to give up fully, my joy and happiness
in exchange for something worth living for, an aimless purpose
i can only protest at what my life could have been, but never changed a thing
simply watching afar, never doing.

alas, this is what my life truly means
like my purpose, both are alike
my suffering, my misery, my pain
always amounted to what i not hoped, but known all along
absolutely nothing.

this was not death, not life, just an unknown entity,
the chaos of love, and the multitude of emotions that come forth
grasping, holding, tightening its grip around my neck
i struggle to breath, in the overwhelming state of it
im too sweet, too full, too much of everything,
but suddenly too little, too few, and never enough.

i will swallow my doubts bitterly, and smile to the future.
the sunrise and sunsets,
ones i will end before ever seeing once again
my final ode, my only goodbye
left in short, little words.

Sometimes, it feels like we are meant to be
Like your fate is written in our destiny.
My love will finally set you free.
So why can't you see, how much you need me?

this is hell on earth.
repeating this cycle again and again.
of forgiveness, of forgetfulness,
oh how i despite it so.
i wait, and wait, and wait,
for a moment of peace,
for a moment of freedom.
but there is nothing-
except my cold, bitter self,
and my long lost hope for the future.
i lay there, and rot,
knowing my time of purgatory will never end.
it will just.
keep.
going.
and i will sink,
and let myself drown in this sorrow,
so i may never have to think about
struggling to breathe again.

mother, im defenceless
fear, chaos, and despair amasses
i ask myself, what is all this?
all of this fighting, is senseless

i'm not very good with words, i shudder
it seems i've forgotten the meaning of it all
your words and mine, they feel-
senseless. worthless. useless.
words cannot change a man,
nor can it change my destiny.
i can write and write, and beg you to stay,
but in the end, like all able-bodied flesh,
you will leave my bones one day.

I can't help but hurt the people I love
With oozing venom out of my silence
Past regrets wash up against the shores of the sea
Drowning in the holes of grief
Endless pain follows the guilty men
The song that comes after the rain
Brings sorrow in your eyes

Chew on my bitter veins
And choke it all down
With a cup of disregarding nonsense
This sword I slip through your chest
Regardless I hold your hand tightly
I dream for warmth, yet feelings expire  
My love twists, spoilt milk in the heat
Amongst the clean rows of clothes, lies the ***** laundry of mine
Craving for situationship, but instead it hangs you dry
Hot crimson tears keep me up at night

Apologies can't mend the wounds
Salve only hides the scars
The best way to heal is if you let go of this unforgivable sinner
Doomed for damnation, an eternity in hell
I'm burning at the pyre I set fire to
Alluringly sparkling, stroke the flames
Keep your thoughts on my sins, every mistake committed to memory
Sink with me forever

A sorry seeps into my mind
But I can't let you wander alone
Then I beg for you to stay
Forgetting boundaries etched in stone
******* the life out of your marrow
Ending your hopes once more
With your dreams long gone

You lock the door of our only home
Hoping I don't knock and bang and scream
The rain howls out my sorrow
Waiting at the steps of my heels
Pooling a puddle of grief
Turn towards yourself, and realise
What I've made of you

I've destroyed every fiber of your being
Ripped your heart out into shreds
Staked down every single friendship
Growing weeds in your rose garden
I pluck my rotten heart out for you
Displaying my love in its simplicity
Swallow my little memories
And look back for me, please

Fated cycle starts and ends again
The people I've abandoned along the way
A perfect untuned harmony
Slaving away to smoothen the circle
Erasing the points along the line
Paying thousands of my soul
To fix what was lost, and regain your control
Making it a straight road ahead
For a journey that will never end

My condolences for thinking out loud
Poisoning the world with my sounds
Will you stab me in the eye and think
Finally you'll forgive me, my friend
For ruining your life, your everything
Then I can lie and smile brightly, and say a truly useless, but lovely
Thank you.

i dare not ask if god has forsaken our souls
and decided to leave us to rot for our sins
i find the punishment befitting of the crime
but im afraid of being left alone, to die alone.

Looking back at the past
With days long gone, our love buried,
I can't help but wonder
Where did it all begin?

Talk about the delicacies of death over dinner,
Furniture as mannequins
A spectator to the pretense.
With love so despairing like a poison,
An obsession burning my insides
Consuming my very center.
I'm drowning in a sea-less land,
Struggling to survive this soulless world.

I fell right into your trap,
Sunk deep within your ship.
A never-ending cage all around me
Lest you dream, know an escape is impossible.
Hope has been ****** dry,
My life has lost all meaning.

Dear sun, shine down on these metal bars,
so I may feel some warmth.
Hard and cold, I've been left behind,
To rot for all of eternity,
In a prison of my own making.

This silver gate keeps you from me
Only you have the pass to enter,
I have to let you inside.
Don't and don't and don't fills my head,
But forgetfulness envelops me, a warm blanket.

You stay and go, with the key always out of reach
Shower me with affection, but leave me to suffer
Choking down tears, I thanked you for your stay
The house is empty, the sky is clear
A perfect day to leave your eyes
To escape from myself, to die.

To all those who flock to the sky
Do they know the reason why?
When they kiss the clouds, and fly up high,
They will never understand how they die.

while the burning world needed a god,
i needed a loving mother
but all i got was a cruel joke of a fraud.
yet, for old times' sake we have to pretend,
to love each other
and beyond the the ribcage, only on the inside,
my bitter, angry heart can safely rot.

i’m always screaming- you are my own flesh and blood!
so i ignore the cuts in my skin
wipe away reds beneath those eyes
and love you once again
our relationship filled with lies.

now, do you want a hundred, a thousand apologies, for ever being born?
i can't scratch my name off in crimson ink
so hand me a pen- then i may stab it out,
this beating sensation in my chest
that keeps my existence from being free
always begging for your mercy,
condolences, i'm sorry.

Maybe I'm a washed up lighthouse
And you're my broken sun
I'm drifting off course
Looking for the one.

comedic sirens ring in the air
im putting on my best dress
prepared to act out my role in this play
do you see the master hiding in the wings?
with puppets laid out, perfect and bare
the dolls, all ready to impress
tied down to the stage, a marionette in the ring.

please call, call my name
one ask, your task, that's all i ask
for you to slice this mask in half.
i hate my reflection, this burden of being me
im screaming- run, hide, tell (someone. anyone.)
down on my knees, begging, and begging
for someone to hear my desperate pleas
hoping for an equality in my judgment,
i’m five feet under in this hell.

but one always watching, waiting for the director's cue
they know what you're pretending to be-!
no, apologies, continue to lead the way.
holding on to a string of mediocrity
i don’t know what it means to truly be free
but i won't be fooled by the hypocrisy
or the candles with their flames, suddenly burning out.
lost in miserable hysteria
freedom was never an option.

my ancestors' blood lies in memories of old
even to the bitter end, they fought
for our lives to be ours, the rice grains to stay in our ***
but the people still give it up every morning.

i know there are rules in your book
my life is cheap, but my words are not
a worthless expense, with meager value
yet my heart burns true, an iron fire
now, hear my pleas, lessen my worries.
burn these chains of ire,
please, set me free.

Watch the audience clamor about,
Unaware of their own obsessive, unsavory nature within
They cluster together,
Muttering, and murmuring
"Outsider, Outsider...
You don't belong here."  
Ignorant little pests.
Bloodthirsty insects buzzing around
Waiting for the finale, with its novelty painted in gold
The ending spectacle for their own entertainment.

Society dictates one follow the status quo
And every now and then
The voices are saying to go with the flow
But I can't help but ask
When, when will this suffering end?
When can I learn to speak up,
And finally say no-
To the demands of the selfish men?

Then, I remember there's a spine ingrained in my back
To make up for the ego I lack
Holding no blatant disregard for the misery of many
Not wanting to spare a single penny
Leaving the masses to cry alone.

But I'm surrounded by corrupted souls,
All living on their own
I keep feeding into this endless lie
Grasping onto the strands of life
Always holding on to the delusions of hope...
But why?
Struggling, day in, and day out
I've already died.
So why should I bother to try?

scribbling in my red pen
if i circle out your name,
and admit that i liked you
would be still be friends?
well, i want to hold your hand
but i’m afraid of losing what i have,
things will never be the same again
so i give up another wasted chance, another missed opportunity,
another means to our end.

our bed of thorns wilting, our devotion rotting,
drunk on the ecstasy, and blind to the faults that lay awake.
my hand longs for your burning warmth,
and these arms of doubt beg for your mercy.

kiss my pain goodbye for tonight,
and bless the bruises in the morning.
regret toils in my midst, for i have never left your side.
you'd nurse my wounds with hard-boiled venom, patch my sores with an icy poison
how could i not love a maiden as cruel as you?

my heart bleeds every moment you speak,
and i know this is the day i'll cry myself to sleep.
but i'd let you break my hope again and again,
and ****** me in your forgotten memories
until i finally give in, beyond a simple fix and mend
so i may die once more, in your deathly embrace.

round and round we go,
on the carousel
it occurs to me
theres nothing i can to do to help myself
round and round we go,
on the ferris wheel
i think my relationships
cant ever heal
round and round we go,
on the merry-go-round
i find myself praying to be buried
thinking i am to be falling
on, under, in the ground

Trusting in our savior to protect us from harm
We believed in your neverending reign of glory
Your thick, tall lies, built us up above
Scaffolding our expectations of you really were
A liar, a fake, a false revelation.

Do I matter?
Do I have a purpose?
Should I die?
Ask, and ask, and ask.
Pray. Pray. Pray.
Yet you receive nothing but contempt. Nothing but silence. Nothing at all-
Except your voice, echoing in the halls.

Regardless,
I still deem you as my savior.
Lies piled upon lies,
Delusions become my reality.
So, reach out your hand to me,
My kind lord
You shine brightly, among the stars
Your grasp felt like salvation.
You are my everything,
My reason to survive.
You are my joy and pride,
My reason to keep this life.

My god, I am your devotee
Dearest lord, please bless me
Free us from our worldly desires,
From all of our selfish inhibitions,
And lead us to the correct end, the final decision.

my chest bursting at the seams
your hair ribbon comes undone
a girl dressed in persimmon
welcomes us through death's door
a mountain of bodies in the wake
and my steps have tracked down in the ground

the sunlight grants the weeds their life
but hesitation takes away the men in the sand
you've given birth to a maggot, the doctor said
do you want to squash its dreams into a tiny little box?
stuck, stuck, stuck.

watch the city blow up like rapid fireworks
my chest is melting in your palms
an explosion burns away the cold unfeeling world
i lost my weapons of hate,
we fight for that shred of hope in the dark
illuminate the skies with this tiny spark
with a fire burning so bright

imprints of time fade away
with your memories in a broken glass mug
coils of time tighten around in my grasp
in a moment i would have lost everything
loneliness creeps in, a tiny child in an empty room

pretending to be alive in this tight human skin
thoughts crawl over the bugs, a mask slips over
crumbs of thoughts hide behind my insides
rotting once more

keep rubbing the salt on the wound
the alcohol is going to run out soon
still my sores bleed high and dry
and I'm left behind in the end, all the time

leave your heart out on a platter
for the starving eyes to feast on
devour the tiny morsels of fallen dreams
my heart heavy, my head full

let us be swept up by the waves of change
craving for hunger, a silence in my mind
to soothe the aching soul
rest is all I need

Let me be lost, let me be found
Let me be cast aside, let me be treasured
One day, for the slightest of moments,
Grant me this blessing.

Let my weary bones rest, let my tired eyes close,
For a moment of peace,
Let me rest.

Once, I am lost into the abyss of darkness, a stillness I had never known,
I am free.

Please, kind sir,
Let me rest.
And dream.

im-
tired.
what used to be?
gone.
i need some form of pity,
some reason to keep living,
to keep leaving, to keep doing something
anything at all
but nothing comes to mind
splutters of semblance crosses my mind
i miss you,
sometimes.

Raze my thoughts on the pyre
Burn all tidings of my soul
All the ashes fade away
Into a distant memory
Keep the tombs unturned
Finally letting weary men go

To my dearest father,
I love you.

Between that untouched stack of papers,
this bouquet of flowers.
The soft mumbles of words,
and a squeeze of your hand.
Your endearing embrace of another.
There is your love.

This warmth of one's heart,
the catalyst of love,
misunderstanding sinks,
with well-mannered intentions.
Thoughts forming into nothingness,
my mere words.

Well, comfort has a taste.
It waits, like a steaming bowl of soup,
filled to the brim with love.

It's a hug so tight it swallows oneself,
mixed with untucked collars,
mismatched socks,
and the rushing to be untangled and free,
this struggle to stay awake.
Alive.

Your hand is cold,
my heart, warm and fuzzy on the inside.
Quiet exchanges,
hearty laughs,
and clickings of a pen.

A bed, a home, empty.
Patiently waiting,
lingering for an everlasting later.

Beeps of the unknown echo,
and I sit quietly,
just the two of us.
But I am lonely,
With only but the sea and the sky for company.

This sliver of hope engulfs the room,
and wraps around like a coat,
a few sizes too big, always.

The weight of a human soul,
this intangible kindness of his beating heart,
with a world of love to offer.
A good man.
That, I say,
was my father.

A breathless life, left there lying.
Filled with chatterings of the lost,
one you will never meet again,
forever intertwining the silence,
slipping into a cacophony of noise.

A hesitation, slowly dying.
But what not is a sweet nothing,
without this message spoken from my heart?
Surrounded by consoling words,
uneasy goodbyes.
I had promised you, and only you,
an unspoken story, this lie.

A sky above, soundlessly crying.
These missed memories you will never make,
and the loneliness of solitude,
a longing for a friendship,
simply for your love once more.

It's quiet.
I shiver.
Awaiting, hoping.
The living dead don't toil for long,
and there are warmer places than in your arms.

Drowning, dying in a memory,
one that isn't quite mine,
but isn't quite his either.
There wasn't a day you weren't by my side,
but time awaits none.

The string of fate tied us together,
one soulful dream.
Happiness had known nothing, until it met you.
That is, until you fell.
Fell to the skies you did,
off this lonesome earth,
away from me.
All hushed, quiet, unmoving.

Still, your heart beats.

Someone's on the other side, a shadow.
Watching, waiting, wanting to be let in.
A mirror, a reflection, holding back myself, keeping the unlocked door close.

And then.
A knock.
The unlocked door, left slightly ajar.
I slowly peek my head inside.
This darkness, my fear.
It's you.

The shadow, this man, it smiles.
He sits, he stays,
he whispers, to me.
Now, and forever more,  
I am lost,
scattered among the stars.
Roaming the sea above,
far, far away,
until the end of time.

Yet.
Whenever I seem to fade,
remember this, and never, ever, forget.
My eternal promise, my parting gift.
A comfort, these string of simple words,

I love you too.

when the sun rose and fell from the sky,
and the moon caught them, ever so gently, and cradled them in their arms
that's when i fell in love.
but the hilltops look so lonely without the sun shining above,
while the stars cry out for their stolen moon
and my heart feels so empty without your embrace of love.
will you call me for again at night,
when the sun dies, and the moon lives once more?

i'm lost in your starry eyes, sinking into the depths of despair
always, i get giddy when i think of you.
its bad for my appetite, but i cant help myself from loving you
you're perfect in every way, because you're nothing like me
i need you forever and ever
its an obsession, an unhealthy form of love
because you're mine, and mine only
pleading, begging and crying
this broken self of mine needs you

you rival the sun, the stars, and the moon
so please love me, please fix me
and fit all the pieces back in place together, prim and proper.
i'd hope your affection fills the void In my heart
and keeps my tears from spilling once more
but plain boiled rice fools no one

lets play make-believe, just like those fairytales
when we were nothing beyond compare
those star-crossed lovers, that chanced upon each other
enduring the holy divination of fate.
a composition of hope, love and despair
that's the first time i met such a loving soul.
the world endeared us in their care,
and i'd clutch your hand lovingly, hoping you'd never let go
but alas, tragedy would befall us.
wasn't it supposed to be you and i, forever?

i'm sorry for loving you, i'm sorry for leaving you
you lie, yet i still love you nonetheless
beauty is in the eye of the beholder,
so i know you're the kindest liar of them all.
cry your heart out, my dearest
but i've always known you would be the first to go
so ill forgive you time and time again,
like how the sun rises and sets, the moon comes and goes
yet my love never fades, and remains unchanging.

now, would you promise me this?
hand in hand, we'll meet again one day
and even if this was the end of all kindly things,
i'm glad i got to have a final moment with you,
the chance to love and be loved,
before i left in that hospital bed.

Thank you for your time,
For staying by my side.
My reason to keep going,
You make me smile on rainy days.

Soon, I'm going to close my eyes
Living forever in my daydreams
But the end of everything,
I'm glad we're still together.

Finally, I can look to the sky
Saying I'm truly happy,
That I've lived a life worth living for,
And I fell in love with a shooting star.

So goodnight, my dear friend,
Rest well today, and the days after tomorrow
I love you, always
Now, and forever more.

Sunkissed moon under the starry sky
A crystal teardrop always out of reach
Grasping on strands of what once was mine
Eternity lacks the solace of flight
Heavenly symphonies echo through the halls
Begging on its knees, hands clasped in a prayer
To give up on life itself

Once, you told me of your sacred dream
To one day, conquer the sky.
So I gave you my love, so you could rise high
You were the only one who stayed,
But then, one day, you ran away.

You clipped my wings
and let me believe I could fly
You made me feel like a friend  
Yet I was always wrong.  
So, why, why would you lie?  

You stole my light in me
and left me to brave the stormy seas
Drowning in the ocean, with my heart still intact,
Beating soundly, in your arms, our ship crashed.

Now fate is telling,
We weren't meant to be
I wonder how it feels like,
to learn to break free.

You stole my voice, I lost my choice
Still, I kept dreaming,  
Never thinking about beyond
I have no song, I will give no more.

Who am I living for?  
I can only keep singing-
So long, so long, so long,
Until the day I'm finally gone.

innate desire compels us to move forward
to strive, to end our slumber
to create something new, something greater
in a merry fashion, we follow
and steadily, we go, towards the light.

Silver-tipped arrogance
The way to a fool's heart
I should know

The fool.

It's the only decision that you made of your own choosing
While nobody cares that you're always losing
And nobody cares that you're always bleeding
Say, who really cares about what you're feeling?
When all your love will simply amount to nothing.

One day...
The sea will set me free
I'd accept my place under the stars
Dancing all night long,
Enjoying my time endlessly, about the days past of glory.

Oh, how I long for that day-!
The day I can finally smile and sing,
With a beaming joy in my heart,
And fondness for the gift of life that was bestowed upon me.

I'm yearning for this long-awaited freedom
To feel the heavy burden lift up from my shoulders
To look into the mirror, and tell my reflection this-
That things will finally be okay.

Let me forget, my dear... Let my little tears fall.
Sun-kissed days, a radiant smile on your lips
Enamored with your beauty, suffocating through intoxicating breaths.
With my hands, hold these secrets tight to your chest
Chasing down old days of glory, alongside you.
My head burns achingly, from yearning alone
All these fits and the darkest of dreams,
The question of its purpose eludes my very judgment.

Oh, how much I loved you so
Melodies echo in my head,
Laying a cacophony of emotions in my throat,
Keeping the bitterness from spilling out
Revealing my true envious nature
Acquiesce this presence, at your heart's behest
Steadily creeping through the grounds
Tangled up in your web of lies
But, like a daydream, you stayed
Similar to the night sky, you never, ever change
In the mirage of symphonies, you loved me.

Sink down under, my sickly companion
The shambles of my mind don't align,
With those unspeakable intentions of mine
Pleading for my attention, your hunger never abates
Queasy from holding your hand, and running through the sunlight,
Always too warm for something, anything else
I've fallen in love with a deadly blossom.
Beg and scream, yet I crave is solace in my misery
Please go away, flee in the night
But when the morning comes around, I find myself waiting for you, once more
Around you, nothing is as it seems.

Fly up high, let's play a game of pretend
Look at the sights that await you
It's not unusually difficult to be alive
Cut off all the strings that hold you back,
Prune out the veins between your skin
Before long, you've surrounded my thoughts
Carry a heavy burden, on your shoulders it starts to live.
I'm dreaming for riches simply beyond a name,
With sickening human eyes full of deceit and lies
Temptation the devil, debauches friendships of innocent souls
Everything you love, in the end, inevitably dies.

Abandon all your innermost thoughts and feelings,
Forget all those things makes you sad
Because in the end, all that you really need
Is a dishonorable friend like me.
Sinking in the rubble, this oblivious nature of yours
A saccharine future awaits your weary soul
You must be happy and move on
Start sailing the merry seas and beyond
In the place of where you once were,
Remember clear blue skies, the crystal waters left in your wake
Don't look back and think of regrets
One will only drown in the thoughts of what could be.

Send me to hell, a sacrificial lamb to slaughter
Agony crept from the corners
Fabricated happiness, an delusion to keep me from being free
Spitting out the aged vitriol in short-lived sentiments  
You and I, we were not destined to be
Promising you would descend down to save me
Do you enjoy sending the guilty to their dreams?

At the young ripe age of twenty-five,
You must move on, my only reason,
Listen to the forgotten memories
Instead of losing into the recesses of life.  
Fix what's broken with false pretenses,
But if you were to depart, nothing can be mended
What's worth thinking and dying for,
Especially in the battle of love and war?
Follow through your promises, even to the end
Chalice of gold, heal all my wounds
End my tragedy, once and for all.

Abandon all your innermost thoughts and feelings,
Forget all those things makes you sad
Because in the end, all that you really need
Is a dishonorable friend like me.
Sinking in the rubble, this oblivious nature of yours
A saccharine future awaits your weary soul
You must be happy and move on
Start sailing the merry seas and beyond
In the place of where you once were,
Remember clear blue skies, the crystal waters left in your wake
Don't look back and think of regrets
One will only drown in the thoughts of what could be.

Send me to hell, a sacrificial lamb to slaughter
Agony crept from the corners
Fabricated happiness, an delusion to keep me from being free
Spitting out the aged vitriol in short-lived sentiments  
You and I, we were not destined to be
Promising you would descend down to save me
Do you enjoy sending the guilty to their dreams?

At the young ripe age of twenty-five,
You must move on, my only reason,
Listen to the forgotten memories
Instead of losing into the recesses of life.  
Fix what's broken with false pretenses,
But if you were to depart, nothing can be mended
What's worth thinking and dying for,
Especially in the battle of love and war?
Follow through your promises, even to the end
Chalice of gold, heal all my wounds
End my tragedy, once and for all.

everyday slips by so quickly,
we're losing track of time.
struggle to run along, while chasing after the past
i can only look towards this future,
hoping for our best, and living in the present.

i miss the way you used to smile at me
but i still love how you look at me now
your beautiful eyes captivated me
your soothing warmth smooths my shaking hand
hearing your sweet voice simply makes my heart flutter

but in the end, my mind aches
knowing you can never be mine
knowing that you don't feel the same about me
that im just someone to you,
and not the one you need.

so im sorry for loving you,
for acting like an abandoned dog
with how i yearn for you longingly
with how i know you make me happy
with how i promise to be yours for eternity
will you say you like me?

its a long way down
down and down, goes the stairs
tilting right around the bend
sometimes, it takes a realisation
that some things can't be mended ever again
that a mistake lives with you forever
like a stray dog following its savior
once abandoned by its family
only to find itself wrapped in the arms of
a god, a false divinity
with fake promises of cherished love
i fall in love with a lie instantly
there's a little less than hope left
and i feel like i have no choice but to give in
losing my final say in the matter
i throw my casket out in surrender
asking the coroner to prepare the body
to seep my bones with euthanasia
and **** the life in me, forever

i’m still sixteen
lying in my dreams
i don't know how to move on
so, i ignore the signs
of this life crumbling before my eyes
i will stay with you, to the end of all things good
i will hold your hand through the storm
whispering i love you, and never letting go

i ask, what am i chasing for?
is it the sweet relief, that drips down from my cheeks,
maybe the bleeding tooth, an aching sore
or the fact i can't help myself but sink,
a desire to indulge in so much more
dig into the lining of my skin
show me what it's like to be human
to have a meaning in life
a purpose to abide by, a direction to follow.

embracing the catastrophe, about to befall my head
hand me a liver on a platter to consume
now that i think of the consequence,
it doesn't quite make that much sense
remove my other body in the mirror
it lies strangely, not fitting with furniture
the atmosphere is really odd in my room
im just waiting for the corpse to rot.

its too long to proclaim im innocent
im drowning in the weight of my endless sin
it feels so hard to act human
and live my days in this horrified skin
why did you have to give me a choice
just to take away my voice
can’t you take the hint?
and realize this is a battle we can't win
so give up, and surrender your identity.

You tear me down, and crush my heart into pieces
Forcing me to fit in a mold, always two sizes too small,
I can't even recognise who I am in the mirror anymore
The cycle repeat over and over again
So I can't help but ask myself relentlessly
How many more times must I pick up my broken pieces
And make myself perfect for you?

they say lies are based in truth
so could you deceive me, and say you love me too?
whisper those sweet nothings, into my ear
and hold my heart close,
letting it beat, serenading your sleep.

The first time, it was an accident.
The second time, it was a mistake.
The third time, it was a choice.
The fourth time, it was deliberate, purposeful.
By the time the fifth time rolled around, it had wormed its way into my life, as a hard to break habit.
And the final time, it became my way of living.

mother, i am drowning
sinking in my endless misery
can't you see?
i'm calling out for help, screaming your name,
but you don't understand my intentions,
you turn around to face the other way
and left me stranded, to choke on my own blood
i loved you like no other
but you don't feel the same.
no, you don't feel at all.

bridging the gap between unfamiliarity
and the vast unknown
it feels like a difficult job
to adapt and change, like the times
to move and rejoice, like the wind
how can i ever hope to be like them?

i think i'm hurt
time and time again
i fall in love with someone i can't have
i fall in love with you over and over again
even if you break my heart
and keep it trapped in your cage
i'll let you hurt me
and pretend that you like me back somehow
even though i don't deserve it
i want you to like me back too
the same way you like talking to me
and in the same way i like talking to you
i love you so much
it hurts that we are not together
and it hurts that you don't seem to feel the same
i wish you do
i wish that you liked me back
or i wish i didn't feel this way
every time you turn to face my way
i feel like im in love again
im smiling and happy
but when you leave
everything turns dark and grey
i hope you don't leave forever
please stay by my side
even if you don't love me the same
let me love you until the day i die

The weather is harsh, cold and chilly
And the howling wind calls out my name bitterly
It urges me to go now, to go quickly
To the ends of the road, I follow, diligently.

im sorry for ever daring to be born
and for every breath i stole from the world
i apologise for it all, every single terrible deed
my regrets run deep, seeping into the underneath
what should i say now? im sorry.
i beg of you, pleading for your mercy
please return this body of mine to the sea
and set my unsightly remains free
i wish to leave this earth peacefully
now, i sit alone, surrounded by the dense foliage
all alone, as these things should be

my heart aches for you
and i can't help but love you
everything hurts
even if i beg you to stay
i know its pointless
because you don't feel the same way
i told you i loved you too
but you didn't say a word
so i gave up, and accepted that
maybe you don't like me back
the same way i like you
all this pain, again and again
all these tears, year after year
all because i thought i liked a girl.