the bird's wings of freedom
were snapped off and discarded
losing every sense of its ambition
look at that crying creature
unable to fly, return to the sky
lost from friends and foe
abandoned by the system it was born in
they will live, they will lie
even if we reject it so
and refuse to listen
nature will always die.

i think it's squeezing-
for an answer
for a drop of lemon
for the birth of another
this sensation brings so much-
painful
souring
life.

i'm not very good with words, i shudder
it seems i've forgotten the meaning of it all
your words and mine, they feel-
senseless. worthless. useless.
words cannot change a man,
nor can it change my destiny.
i can write and write, and beg you to stay,
but in the end, like all able-bodied flesh,
you will leave my bones one day.

even now,
i cannot bring myself
to utter the words quietly
its over.
war is over.

how you ruined me
my reflection in the mirror
my temptations to steer clear
fading gradually, sinking slowly
burn and bleed from these bruises
talking about the little things
what matters who cares why bother
collapsing false reality
won't you descend down from the heavens
and come save me?
suffocating embrace, these fleeting moments
i grasp at the threads
subtle expectations, drift by idly
in my eyes, the world glossed over
seconds tick by, aeons blink pass
i find myself, waiting alone
always still, nothing lasts
black coffee, and my glass is full
of unspoken tears, final regrets
life is deprived of its meaning
memories are gone, distant and unseeming
the way you died at that creek
this numb and empty bitterness
surrounded by cold, harsh plateaus
my hometown
the motherland
i miss you
raising the flag high in the air
white in surrender
death hung heavy
this rope curled around my neck
tightens, it scurries
this blade pressed against my skin
ripens, it blurries
the edge of the ceiling
the dangling fan, in the corner of my passage
heightens, i must hurry
shadows hidden from sight
darkness, no longer my light
making things right
something, someone
was what i meant to be
born out of a blossom
wilting, dying in a costume
rebirth in a coffin
rest easy, rest dearly
my eyes close for the final time, thinking
this wasn't meant for anybody
my mind buries in, my voice cracks
theres nothing left to say.
nothing you can do
i cant fix this
im beyond help
im beyond repair
consume me as you see fit
decipher my words as you find suitable
cry for help
desperation, useless words
give up, something i must do
does this even make sense
i dont think it does
i just wanted to be loved
i just wanted you to love me
i just wanted to be happy
yet i achieved nothing
im pretending to be something greater
im pretending to be something better
but im nothing, this is all a facade
my words dont make sense
logic remains missing, no longer a constant
and its all my fault
somehow, everything is
im doomed
impose your thoughts, your preconceived notions
i am an object, an idea
never a person, never your one
discard any hopes of understanding
blame no one but yourself
for what happened
for what ive done, what im planning to do
its already over
never enough time
i always wish for more
there is no saving a sinking ship
just jump abroad, swim far, far away
the wreckage cannot be salvaged
the mistakes cannot be mended
leave me to drown now
please?
im sorry for making you see this
this awful, terrible side of me
but to those who have, to those who once cared
thank you for reading
goodbye.

mother, i am drowning
sinking in my endless misery
can't you see?
i'm calling out for help, screaming your name,
but you don't understand my intentions,
you turn around to face the other way
and left me stranded, to choke on my own blood
i loved you like no other
but you don't feel the same.
no, you don't feel at all.

in hindsight, i should have known.
to me, living has become a burden
from joy, it turns into misery
now, i breathe because i must
from ignorance, it forms into necessity

i've given up on all my hopes and dreams
losing my will to live, open my eyes and stir
waking up is such a chore, i'm so sick and tired of it all
my fragile mind is bursting at the seams
i think i miss who you once were

nowadays, all i do is pathetically weep
telling myself life will get better, that familiar lie
i spend my time sinking, into a painless sleep
praying that someday, i'll finally have the courage to die.

Living in the past
You should have known it'd never last
You were never there
You were never anywhere to found

With nowhere to call home
You left them to die
All alone on their own
But you should have known
They'd make it past eighteen
They lived their lives, they survived the horrid lies

So **** this mortality,
You don't deserve to be forgiven.
Just rot, rot and rot
Suffer like the ******* you are,
You don't deserve mercy,
Die.

i can't help but think
i wish i had died a long time ago
maybe it's a form of suicidal ideation
at this point, who really knows?
some people say it isn't healthy
but i always knew it wasn't
better yet, who really cares? about me.

as i stand on the roof, high above
peering at the eerie drop below
death stares me right in the eye
it seems that people have eventually understood
how twisted and rotten i am
especially, terribly on the inside
it feels fitting, almost right
to finally be able to take my own life.

surrounded by my thoughts, i'm all alone
purged in endless contemplation, with fallen aspirations
i ponder about my lowering self-esteem
our relationship was always a tumultuous one
i couldn't bother to fix it, so it all went downhill
i lament on my past and present mistakes
there are just some things you can't change, some things you can't fix
no matter how much you try
i should know. i tried.

the world condemns you, damnation be with you in hell
leaving you to suffer in a prison
of your own making, a cell of your own craving
you ruined your only bright future
with your self-loathing, your deathly addiction
and now, there's nothing left
to do, to say
nothing that can convince me to stay.

delving deeper into the issues, i peel back the layers
how did it feel, when you realised
there was no one waiting for you?
except for the empty bed left behind.
how did it feel, when you had nothing left?
except for a sliver of hope, for the mercy of another.
and even as you begged and begged for forgiveness
an ode to the apologies, a song for the miseries
for him to offer you mercy and salvation
just know that god cannot forgive you,
for you cannot even grant yourself forgiveness
so do you truly deserve to be forgiven?
do you truly deserve to be loved?
i'd like to think the answer was maybe, someday
but i know you'd rather take a no.

henceforth, you are forced in an act of crucifixion
despite your earnest wishes, your heartfelt prayers
they are meaningless to a corpse
a withering piece of flesh
with an unthinkable brain to boot
the only thing keeping me alive is my beating heart
unwilling to give up, unwillingly ticking away my time
as i scramble to grasp the loosening threads in my fingers
moments of my life dash past, forever lost
unable to be recovered, unable to be remembered
in the essence of things, they become meaningless.

i think deeply, i must end this suffering
so i drive this blade through my chest,
i pierce this knife against my skin
my skull lying on the pavement,
where my fallen body meets
and this is where my soul finally leaves
a bullet to end my troubles, in a world i could never win
a sacrifice to end my struggles, in an existence filled with sin
my blood kisses the floor, in a riot of passion
crimson, crimson red, my love
the familiar iron stench that rots my lungs
while the cold, hard ground folds my insides out
splattering an ugly stain, for all to see
what was wrong with me

the coroner declares my body's condition
parades it around, with a simple word in the description
"death," is what they call my state.
thus they decide they must hold a small gathering
in recognition of my memory,
a little something to remember me by
a ceremony to send the decayed and decomposed away
to honour their last living moments, up until they died
whatever that means, i don't really care
they never really recognised me, for who i was
i could never show them my true colours
i could never get them to love me, like how i loved them
i wished for their validation, to give me a reason to live
but i received none, even as the days passed on
maybe people will care a little more, once i'm dead.

tucked in a corner of the fields
with rocks aligned in the shape of my former name
with flowers to decorate my final resting place
with pretty words uttered, but none left for me
my heart must ache miserably
tormented in the travesty of devastation
for they are not the ones i wished them to be
couldn't they have told me these lies when i was alive?
why must they wait until i'm gone,
when they regret the words they can never take back
when they regret the things they never dared to speak
it's already over, the funeral ends.

the aftermath never stops. it simply carries on.
"it wasn't suicide..."
the family murmurs, distressed with the information
"it must have been a mistake!"
the crowd hollers, indignant about the revelation
for my death, you offer the blame to no one
you tell yourself over and over again
convincing yourself, that very lie
which you seek to base the accident on
is now forming into the truth, sinking its treacherous poison

it was no one's fault.

maybe it will help you sleep better tonight
to believe it wasn't your fault
that your dearest friend died,
to know it wasn't your fault
that they would dare to conceive the very notion
of commiting their own suicide.
ha, doesn't that sound about right-

how could they ever think to die?

my head is crushing in on itself about,
it feels like its about to pop.
can't think straight,
can't think clearly,
cant understand what i mean,
or what i meant to say,
chattering nonsense on and on.

im ready to spill,
with my organs still intact
and the curves and lines and guts inside,
lined up in a corner,
all neat and tidy and organised.

words spit themselves out from my mouth,
like little tiny faults and cuts across my tongue.
i drink on sorrow out a gasoline pump
lost in a facade of my identity
with no destination,
no path leading home.

let me squeeze my insides open
and make myself whole again.
with teeth yellowed,
eyes bloodshot,
throat burning and sore.
im set to go down a rabbit hole
and never climb back out.

emotions roam about uncontrollably,
they stick out in odd places,
and poke through the holes in my skin,
making it look ugly.

as i fill my holes with the alcohol,
these odd jobs and poor grades,
nothing seems the same,
nothing seems right,
nothing, nothing, nothing.
i am nothing less, nothing more.

overdosing on caffeine,
hitting the dopamine rush,
staying up late.
theres not enough of my melancholy,
to fill my bleeding heart.

im a sad little kid,
with a broken radio.
playing static sounds over and over,
mimicking a silly lullaby,
to hide that im all alone.

the only way out,
a final escape,
is to lose my own hand.
so i will live with the self-pity,
this selfish way to die.
waiting, waiting, waiting- snap!
for the day i can finally say goodbye.

take the apple that sink your teeth into its flesh
biting, chewing, ruining the appearance
it's ugly now, no one wants you
discard and throw it away
that useless piece of junk, a wasted garbage
bleeding, dripping, it's a mess
my mind aching, sinking, everything is falling apart
devour me whole, you love me
corrupt me entirely, you hate me
i'll give my form willingly,
to the first person who stalked on the high
for this worthless name of mine
i beg you to consume me
take your prize, take your dignity
go far, far away, until i forget your name
fail to recall your face, erase you from my memories
please, leave.

bridging the gap between unfamiliarity
and the vast unknown
it feels like a difficult job
to adapt and change, like the times
to move and rejoice, like the wind
how can i ever hope to be like them?

Longing for freedom, to drift, like the boats on the shore
The ocean calls, it wants me to stay.
With sunny days gone, now knocking on the door
Promising to keep the sea of regret at bay
So I don't forget who I made these memories for
Now, steal this feeling of sorrow away
And smile all day, living freely once more.

oh dear...
i think there's some fog in my brain,
it's filling up with fear
i'm drowning in the rain,
dripping with tears
nothing really feels clear.

seeing their face,
looking at me with disdain
knowing this is something,
something that i can't ever hope to mend.
i can't pretend that-
i don't feel the insufferable pain
of losing my only friend.

so i look at the bottom of the barrel,
take a swig of my beer
realising that things will never be the same
seeing that it's the end of my years,
thinking how i miss being here,
how i'll miss calling your name.

my heart aches for you
and i can't help but love you
everything hurts
even if i beg you to stay
i know its pointless
because you don't feel the same way
i told you i loved you too
but you didn't say a word
so i gave up, and accepted that
maybe you don't like me back
the same way i like you
all this pain, again and again
all these tears, year after year
all because i thought i liked a girl.

To the remains of my uncut clear soul,
do you know what it's like to breathe?
While we follow the path of the stars,
to the land of freedom,
hoping for the best,
and a brighter horizon.
Fighting, breathing, these pains.
Is living truly worth all this?

Oh, but...
To feel the wind against your hair,
the warmth.
The sky, the sun, the beauty of the world.
A soft breeze welcomes us into its arms.
This tinting on the blush of your cheeks,
and the giggle that escapes your lips,
when will you know what it's like to live?

To smile at the dawn of a new day,
to take joy in the memories you make,
to be happy just simply live, and to be?
Lost in the eyes of others,
the maze of the universe,
out of sight,
a path, out of mind.

Yet, will you ever think to wonder, even just for the littlest of seconds?
How the sun is always surrounded in the centre,
and spread out for all stars above,
waiting for another.
Far apart from the others, all alone.
Always waiting.
Doesn't it tire?

Well, to my dearest unbroken half,
without you, I am nothing.
So I thank you with this,
a final message.  
Achieve your final dream.
Do not falter, do not ache.
Always live on,
and be free.

what does it matter?
i tire, i toil tirelessly
my mind goes awander
im not sure where i am now
in the moment, or lost forever
that, i think about carefully,
something i take the time to ponder
when one is far apart from another,
does that make the heart grow fonder?
or cause the bond between two to grow stronger
a striking question indeed, i wonder.

I'm glad I left your room tidy.

When they come for your things,
I'll whisper your name,
why the room was too full,
too suffocating.

Too much, too little,
a glass half full,
its emptiness consumes me whole.
It tips over to the edge, barely in place.

You smile and smile and smile it seems so real, but the water is piping hot,
the smoke and ashes form pretty shades on my arms,
I can't help but choke.

An unquenchable thirst,
a lump in my throat that seems to burst out,
I cough, you wretch.

All for a flower.
I crush its leaves,
the petals in my eyes,
my vision clouds,
I stumble,
The plug is pulled.

The hotline is dead.
Sinking deeper, out of the ***,
and into the boiling sea.
The room is angry.
A raging fire,
spitting flames of contempt.

The pale, cold floor,
my eyes unfocused,
like your bed,
empty.

A dream of a future,
all gone.

The walls tear and chew themselves on the inside, the carpet shrivels up and sinks.
Red and roses were your favorite.

A pretty sight,
all the roses that bloomed across your chest,
the chill in your bones never seemed to leave.

Few of those flowers blossom.
Thick, long vines of red,
trickle down from my wrists and onto the floor,
spreading out into beautiful roses.

I'm glad I left your room tidy, my beloved.

Chores can finally rest easy tonight, and so can you.

sometimes you need a friend
a dear one indeed
to tell you when
you have to send
your parting letters
while hoping to mend
your past relationships
boosting morale at an all-time low
with morbid rites to follow
hey, did you know?
the rules can't bend
no matter how much you wish, though
you can't defy the status quo
so now, i must say,
sometimes you need a friend
a kind one's in need
to help you comprehend
that it's finally the end
it's the end, indeed
say goodbye, me.
see, sea, si.

Extreme ends of the earth
Connect, collide, to form the stars
Reaching out, grasping for a relation
To mend the seams of this broken devastation
Static in my ears, as I watch them dance
Melancholy in my eyes, as I yearn to be free
I stare into the mirror, my reflection in the water
Is that unfamiliar face, truly me?

Close your eyes, rest easy
But I've grown weary, waiting for your texts back
Exhausted from the energy I've spent
The hours that can never be undo
The tears my eyes have wasted
Thinking about you
Questioning everything has got me dizzy
Spiralling into another baseless affair
So won't you tell me the truth
Harrowing it might be
If it's spoken from the heart
I might be able to live with it
Love, devotion, endless delusion
Peel back the layers, the petals on my skin
Melancholy, a note in the cacophony
Warmth drips down my arms
Encompassing, encasing my thoughts whole
Clinging to every bit of affection
Like it's the only thing keeping you afloat
With the storm raging in your mind
Please don't ever forget me, it begs
I can't bear to be alone
And suddenly, I'm back again
Five years too young, a few seconds too late
The air reeks of something surgical,
Sterile and scrubbed of everything
Dedicated to your memory
Walls painted with crimson, pooling in clean streaks
A lump in my throat tightens, I struggle to breathe
There's something bitter in my lungs
In this chest of mine, the knife twists
Into my flesh, it remain heavy, always damning
I swallow. Hard.
Against mine, your skin feels cold
Hand in hand, I pause for your heartbeat
Yet it never comes—
Just like you.

if someone asks me
what good have you done with your life
the only thing i can answer is
nothing
the end is the best part
bliss within respite
finality for those who seek
paradise

put an end to this empty feeling
as i spend my life searching for meaning
please just let me die, dear god
and grant me the courage to do so

pink and pretty lungs
dont you get me
ruining you mind
dont you see me
how much will it take
until its finally enough
how much must you break
until it's over?

The hardest thing to do
Is to say goodbye
To close your eyes
To peacefully lie
The world goes dark
I'm afraid of the cold
The emptiness within
The fact I'll never grow old
Or see the flowers blossom
The sun rise once more
Not another breath
Pain, suffering, grief
It becomes meaningless
In the great scheme of things
A life once worthy
A memory once happy
A person once, ending it all
And everything is—
Finally gone
Like how things should be.

Goodbye one, farewell all
You must take responsibility
One day you will
But not today
You live in denial
I live in grief
We both sink, drowning in regret
A pit too deep to swim out of
Tar, black, vice-like grip
It envelopes my heart
Bleeding, squeezing its essence dry
Leaving nothing left but guilt
A prayer, a penny, the left and right
Clutching its cold coin in my hand
Realisation strikes me, once more
I've lost every one of my friends
So reasoning aside, how can one live?
All alone, over and over again
Ceasing to exist, perhaps becomes a mercy
To the lonely few, who must toil the earth relentlessly
What a burden, you must be.

A single white swan, basks in the light
Graceful and elegant, it glides
Through the water, observe its reflection
One’s true identity comes to light
It now bares its feathers, in an effort to scare off others
But the dove sinks further into the water, longing for their warmth
Drowning, sinking, while the swan watches keenly
Encompassing, delving into madness
Both birds, now descending in self-destruction
Now this, I say—is true love.

please take responsibility
im begging you
please say you're sorry
and then maybe
we could fix things, start anew
until you take that first step
nothing could be done
when i take that first step
everything would be over
a fall from grace
someone's forgotten face
friendship, memories, drift by quickly
fleeting away, fading into the distance
i want to cry
my tears fill up the riverbank
i sit by the shore
all alone, surrounded by stillness
forgive me, for what i'm doing
and what i'm about to do
after all, there's no going back
no mending of the seams, no repairing the broken bonds
the blurry spots between your eyes
the blackened corners in your vision
tightness grips your chest
an aching takes hold, your heart none the wiser
what are you waiting for?
holding out for a phone call, some kind of text
you know it'll never come, so why bother?
i don't know.
tell me, dear god
whose forgiveness shall i ask for?
maybe myself, nothing more
wordlessly i go, into the night
splat! my face hits the concrete
as they gather around, see the corpse on display
thinking, singing—it's just another day!
truly, unduly, fulfilling their duty
glorious parades, festivals beyond the mind's eye
a quota to fill for bodies discovered
goodnight to one, goodnight for all
farewell!

Going through the cycles
Passing through the days
Seeing people move on already
They rise quickly, fade away slowly
One day, things will be okay
Even when I start to lose the droplets of hope
And life starts to seem meaningless
That phrase gives me hope
But I'm beginning to forget
Everything special to me
As I selfishly cling onto you
Praying for your words of permission
To make me feel better
I realise after all this time, I've deceived myself
You aren't real, and so is this future
I don't know anymore
Lies or reassurance, my fateful hand
Sorry for hurting you
Maybe I am

when i die, do not desecrate my body
by laying to rest with those fools
i rather live an eternity in solitude
then to see your ruined face again
to confront this wretched reality
that you, and i, we were never loved
not once, never.

people should die as they have lived
as a coward, a weakling
and the ice that melts after a breath's touch
the way i have to beg for your love
like how a dog begs for an ounce of attention from its owner
loving you was an experience i rather not forget
lonely is the heart, searching for a place to belong
it finds itself in a home, in the arms of someone that knows they do not belong
it embraces you gradually, crushing your dream slowly
suffocatingly knocking every breath out of your lungs
until it's too late, and you realised you're choking
but you don't know how else to breathe
so i accepted you lovingly, despite you killing me slowly
and now i can't live without you
no one understands you, at least thats what i thought until i met you
you don't understand me, you know me too well
you want me to become like you
no longer myself