I shouldn’t have just said that
Your presence makes me happy,
but that
your absence makes me suffer.
That way,
perhaps you'd be happier.

The pieces of my memories of you
Linger against the darkness,
Like a custer of stardust,
that gradually forms a ghost of you
I wish to forget.

Perhaps,
I should just dust you away,
let you chase after some better dreams,
and give into the left over abyss.
Slowly sinking,
drowning,
losing consciousness,
losing all of my false joy and true regrets,
losing all that once were,
or could have been.
Losing almost all of me,
until the slumbering calm finally sweeps over mercifully,
leaving behind only the ghost of me
in its wake.

And then,
Suddenly,
I would realize,
We would finally be the same.

I am holding onto you like an old cloth bound book
A short story just slightly out of time
Brief, nostalgic
Some distant dream I will never get to live.

You swim in my mind like a lost buoy I can no longer reach
Slowly floating away further, and further
Till I can only grasp a momentary glimpse of it,
between the waves of memories.

I regret ever letting it go this far
Ever letting you go.
But even if you stayed,
I knew you were never going to be mine,
As you were anchored to the sea.
While I am just swimming around you,
trying not to drown.

Still,
I tread,
Struggle to stay afloat in the same spot you left me
Not giving into the pull of the abyss
Just in case you were brought back by the turbulence,
the turbulence of time.

I am still chasing the butterfly dream;
I had it in my hands momentarily
all those years ago
When I was just a child
but it flew away, and never came back.
I thought it would visit again
the same time every year,
but one year turned into two,
two years turned into five,
six, nine, ten.
It never came back.

Yet, almost twenty years later,
I am still here,
waiting for a miracle,
Just so I can finally ask it:
“where did you go?
and where did you take
my childlike happiness?”
I had to replace it with this fake laughter
I perfected years ago.

We struggle everyday in this nightmare of living,
only to wake up to another dream after death.

I am struggling to wake up from this nightmare of living,
only to live another dream after death.

The air was as ancient as
The molds washed anew with the dew
I pushed on, backwards
Away from the rest of them
Prudent, and watchful
As if at any time,
When I avert my eyes
The sleeping soldier
Would read this as his cue
To attack, to ****.

I stumbled back
Accidentally bumping open a creaking door
I listened.
Drip, Drip, Drip
At times a rustle
At times, a shuffle
I even thought I heard whispers
And footsteps.
But, I knew I am prone to hallucination
So
I thought better of it,
And closed the door.
After we headed out,
We gave the worker his cue
And like ancient cataracts
The concrete poured.

When we have sealed the old
And welcomed the new
A voice inquired innocently,
“Where is Joe?”

I'd love to sleep

the Wonderful Sleep

Unawakened by life.





#2

So it was actually

the Silence

that woke the dreamer.

I see words of lost hope and dead dreams
Sprawled around the earth
Like ashes and dust
Ready to sacrifice itself
to spring
A new wave of short lived aspirations

But dreams doesn't just die
It doesn't cease to exist in the moment of revelation
It remains, cinders in the ash pit
Ready at any moment,
To spring back to life
With the full force of  
the once zealous flame
Still perfectly alive at its core.

You were not a drop in a sea of stars,
You were a spark in my unchanging dark,
though tiny,
though brief,
Your appearances
were always unexpected,
always exciting,
and always,
like a brilliant wild fire,
Lit up my barren heart.

As the leaves are falling
this Indian Summer day
I search through the fallen
Looking for your trace
For a leftover warmth
of your long unfelt touch.

Having found none
I plunder through
Attempting to kiss your beloved earth
What your presence might have blessed

You have said you loved autumn
You have said you adored the leaves
So I asked them if you have been here
Or, whether you would come soon.

Having found no answers
I begin to pick up all the leaves
Writing only one word on each
A puzzle of my undying love to you  
and then
Letting them all fall back to earth

Let them rot and be gone with the wind
Perhaps one day, when you finally happen by
A word, a phrase, a sentence, here and there,
Catching you by surprise
You might finally understand,
What I meant to you.

If only I can be
An ordinary seed in the heap
My soul content and roots deep
Forever present in your keep.

But when my time is up and have to leave,
Please a dust let me keep,
So that, wherever you may be
I will guard you in The Sleep.

I am not a poet,
Or any wise man of the sort.
I am just a child in love,
Lost within words.

I rather be your eternal shadow than the momentary sunshine.

I love the bird
Not because you loved him
But because he loved you too.

I loved the sky
Not for its colour and hue,
But because across it the bird flew.
Bringing with him your pilgrim soul.

I fell in love with flying,
Not to see a world anew.
But to relive a world you once knew,
and once knew you.

Through them, I could touch again,
every raindrop, every dew,
Every heartbeat, throbbing new
Bursting from this dead heart,
Your leaving killed.

Send your love to exile,
If it is true,
It would be sure to return.

Love that needs reciprocation is merely a tourist,
that goes away when interest fades.
True love is love that grows stronger
Especially in dismay.

I dress my love in the simplest clothes,
lest you mistake my honest intention,
for boasts and pretension.

I confessed to her eyes,
But not her ears and her lips,
Because though the latter are easily deceived,
The former are never blind to the truth.

I hid my love behind a wall of silence,
Lest my heart hears it,
and in its unrest,
frighten yours away.

I was a lost star that was slowly losing its light
And you rekindled the flame in me, and brought me back home
But, at my highest and brightest moment
You vanished, and left me suffocating
And craving for a love I would've never known
Still, I endure,
Still, I'd rather suffer,
and remain where you left me long ago.
Not because I am happy here,
I'd extinguish my light altogether,
But because, one day your world might lose its light
And be ever darker,
When that day comes, I will be here,
Ready to light up your world
With whatever brightness I still own.

When you were here,
I stayed because I needed you.
Now that you are gone,
I still remain,
Not because I long for what is left of my world,
But because one day, you might need me,
And when that day comes,
I would already be there for you.

I loved you more in your absence
Than I ever did in your presence
I learned to love you in moderation
And not give in to my obsession
And whereas I only felt limited happiness
Never fulfilled, never content
Always craving more and more
I now struggle tirelessly within a dark void of emptiness to hold on to even just a vision of you.
I miss you dearly, and I spent every waking, and slumbering moment thinking of you, in happiness, in sorrow, in regret.
When you were still here, you were my purpose, you were what made life bearable and worth looking forward to.
Now that you are gone, I still remain, not for my longing of this world.
But, because I am afraid one day, if and when the world turns its back on you, there is still a speckle of light wanting to light up your entire world.

I filled your absence with neverending thoughts of you.

I wish we could converse in verses
Like what lovers used to do
But no matter what you say to me
In words, in smile, in silence
My world, my dreams, my sunrise
Would still be written all over
With my unchanging love for you.

I write love letters to you
Not because I want you to respond
Not because I want you to love me back
But because I want you to know that
Not matter what,
I will always love you,
and I am yours
Yours Truly.

I am not afraid of loving you
I am not afraid of losing your love
But I am afraid of losing my love for you,
And hereafter,
Forever be numb.

I don't want to possess you
I just want to barely know you
So that each chance meeting still takes my breath away.
So that I still fear never seeing you again
So that every element, every emotion of this stranger love remains renewed and refreshed after each encounter.

So that I would never be weary of loving you.

I don't want to be your sun
I want to be the moon
Pale, faint,
You might not even notice me sometimes
But when you need me the most
When you are lost
I will be there
Having never left.

Your love is a mirror,
all I see is a false image of myself.

My love is a wordless tune,
a mindless memory,
lingering at the back of your mind.

Hold still
Let me capture you in my mind
Before you are gone forever

I wish I never moved in too close,
that there were still a distance between us,
for me to feel that pull of my soul.

Sometimes I don't want to remember or be remembered.
Sometimes I just want to be traceless. Leaving no memory, no impression, no scar.

I have fallen from this road that leads no where.
Hanging by a thread.
My hands are too full of loss to hold on.
But still I won't forget.
You were all that connected me to this world.
You and my regrets.
If I let go and let you go,
All dust would turn to death.

I live through the future in my mind, and the past in my presence. I am always out there, somewhere, but never here in the present.

I still remember you, and I am still waiting for you, I am afraid that if I give up, afraid that if I forget, nothing will ever last, nothing will ever matter.

I live in your past, and you live in my future, that is why we will never meet, even though both of us are always in the present.

I would be your shadow,
The stardust in the wind,
The fleeting image behind the mirror,
The spectre of time.

I would be at home,
trapped in the event horizon
of our first, last, and only event
In our space and time,
Letting my soul pulled by yours through eternity.

I would love to ride into the past and never return, so I can forever be in your present.

I want to be caught still in a moment with you, but always just slightly apart, never reaching.

Just so I would never lose you, what was never mine.

I dwell in the past, standing on flecks of dust.

I wish I lived within an old photograph, a fleeting moment, a stand still, with you.

She cried the tears of stardust, every droplet, a place, a face, a memory, and a moment in time.

I live love through fear.

By: Yitkbel

My wintry complexion
and Summer soul
Cannot kiss your Autumn lips

Your affections may blossom
One day, abruptly in the April rains
But, by then, traceless I'd be
In your belated reminiscing.

Or perhaps, you will remember me
Though doubtfully
As empty your heart may be
Its shallow depth
Will hardly anything keep.

Waiting
-Yitkbel, June 11, 2016, Shalang

Waiting,

To see you pass by

Without saying hi

But your eyes smile

And I know why

That’s all I need from your love:

To hold you within my sight

To let your appearance catch me by surprise.

I’d forego death and finality

For an eternity of just standing by your side

LOVE
By:Yidhna
2008-01-20 02:38
Love
Happiness lights up the devastating world
While frightening truth hidden inside us who hold
Charming family sitting around the fire place
Inspired by the sunset and the stars we gaze
Sadness and joy fills the night and day
Love blocks fear as the from the sun, violet ray
Laughs and grins recalls from a childhood fight
Age and new marks, kids seeking for their height
Running, and chatting, memories lie beside the wall
Exploring the the forest, dove flying with the gull
Autumn, the memories fall with the leaves
Darkness fades with hatred into the caves
Love open the hidden door inside your heart as the key
Naïve to mature,  setting up goals and let the world be

Oh love, how I should

To be able to sleep soundly

The Wonderful Sleep

Unawakened by life - Yue Yitkbel ****