I have returned
To the land of the living
After all life have perished
To see all traces of existence
Time and space, gravity and love
Without the restriction of our limited vision
To see the imprints of our touch and impressions
Laid out in front of me in its infinite and eternal presence
Every interaction, attraction, mutual and unrequited
Left its mark, like the trails of a snail
Now visible to me in perfect clarity

I could have ran to the beginning
And walked through every moment to the end
Seen life for what it truly was for all creations

Yet, all I wanted
Coming back at the end of time
When time cease to exist
When every being, every moment
Will never again cease to exist or change
Was to find that thread
Between us
And see whether it was connected
At the very moment of sight
When I saw you for the very first time
And ever since
Tugged and pulled
At every hint of longing
Transforming me with sculpting pain and tears
And tore away my fears

And see that it was never just my hopeful Imaginations and creations of the mind
That the threads of every twinge
Every pull of my soul
Had been there
Always there
Still there
True and real
Between every you and me

I found him when I was born, and
Since, we’ve become friends.
He’s always around, but
I don't usually think of his existence as profound.
He is playful too.
Or you can say that he, like all of us, has an aggressive soul:
When I’m bored, he sleeps without sound.
When I’m joyful, he makes me shorten the song.
When I tell him to run,
He just shuffles along.
When I want him to wait,
Only seconds is he gone.
I thought it was just his nature,
Nothing wrong.
But one day,
I realize,
His trick for was for my slow death
While he, fed on my flesh, lives forever long.

Before I met you

I was merely an unaging larva

Adept at hiding

Terrified of living

That always closed itself in.


It wasn't until you suddenly rushed in

that I finally gathered up the courage

The desire, the hope, the need

To burst from my suffocating casing

And flew right to thee,

Thinking you were just like me.

But when I did,

I saw what I didn't want to see

I saw the fragile mirror

That your kind eyes were reflecting

And found myself to be

Not the beautiful butterfly I was expecting

But an ordinary worker bee.


So I worked and worked

With my every breath

Persevered for you to notice me

Pleaded that you stay with me

Instead you flew away from me

And the wind under your wings

Carried away every little thing

Sunshine, earth, and rain

Till I finally withered in Spring

Till I finally accepted my fate and gave in

Became a drop of honey

Content just to be

The unseeable sweetness in that warm cup of tea,

I used to see you land in.

Suffocating under this hopeless violent shade
of an exotic violet
Peeking through the clouds of all divine nature
saw
The tiresome one dragging his insignificantly weightless soul
and deeply profound mournful shadow
over the wisely aged support of ground
and
under the heart condensingly
sole comforting warmth
of the frightening sharp sight of the assuring moon's gaze
and
while he ever slowly decays
with unshaken belief of his haplessness
what turned from a sudden and short view
became a never more enchanted relief
and
REVEALATION

from life's start
to life's continuation
here the story lies:

Habitually crossing the windows

One can’t help but notice the existence of two brothers

Although, residing under one unfascinating roof

With all frustration, one will definitely notice that

The place of residence is not one

But in reality two by division

One main, one sub as it is under



The elder of the relation

Appears sadly clueless to the other’s existence

Having never doubt, in all possible faith, his loneliness

Though, the younger, might be well aware of the duo

Nonetheless with pains, anger, and the uttermost speechless helplessness

All his doing, or knowing

Is always credited to the elder

While the latter accepts the acknowledgment in complete bewilderment

the tale In oneself
without the deeper implication is enough of misfortune
for us to pity the Self

In truth, my love for you is more like gunpowder
Than mere candle light
Thus I had to light them one by one
And so distantly

I kept them between metaphors
and more subtle words of my burning desires
So that you’d never be hurt by its fury

I held so much loss in my hands
That I could see it everywhere
That I could never be surprised
By its appearance

After every expected parting
I moved on without much of a scar
As I was callous with all of my faults
And you’d never have to mourn for a full heart
Never have to mourn for a heart that’s
Never gained, never lost

But, you softened me,
Cut me open with shards of your soul
And I fell in love with the pain
With your sorrow

Yours was the light of life I could never lose
Once held inside of me, I would never again
Bear the darkness

How I wish I could wake and walk beside you
How I wish to read to you in my voice and not my words
How I wish to be close to you not in inference from silence
But in laughter and teary smiles
To walk the streets of Toronto,
To Paris, to Florence, to Barcelona
See every Van Gogh, Rodin, Gaudi,
And even Otto Dix and Ghiberti
To hear old tales of the tenements
And relive ancient dreams through the operas in New York City
We could even go to places less worldly
To see ghost in the streets of York
And greet sir Newton’s spirit in Westminster Abbey  
And there’s a bookstore in Venice I had always wanted you to see



Yet,
I dare not even wish for a kiss
For
I did not want you to see me
In the light of real life
And extinguish the fire that kept me sane
Kept me alive

I could not bare to lose you completely
So I let my words be there for thee
But I see you have found words better
Than any born within me
And so I thought of taking my leave
For though few would love you as fiercely
All will love you better and calmly

How I wish I could love and hold you freely
Tightly and fearlessly
Yet, I know I am not ready
A child so unkempt and messy
So fueled with readily jealousy
I am trying so hard at bettering
But I could not change so timely
I had to be certain when I held your hand
I would not hold it too tight or too loosely
I could never endure darkness without thee
Yet I cannot hold your fire momently
I know that you would never in a million years
Wait for such an unlovable me
Yet, I would hold my soul for you eternally
Making it more and more cozy
So that your fire could reside within
More comfortably
Even if you’re never burning for me

I’m afraid I have more tears
Than words nowadays
And I’m afraid they would rather
Drown you than lift you up
To where you belong

You were truly everything I had
And as I can no longer find comfort
In your eyes, your smile, your voice
I found love in your absence
In the mindless suffering and pain
The devouring cloud of fear and desire
Dragging me deep into the night

They are my greed
Wanting to feel your love
And not just know it, sense it
And wish it

They are my shame
For I was not made to be loved
My only privilege was to give you
Unconditional love

Even that, I can only show you in words
So petty, simple, undecorated
And pebbles to the gold

My words were never glamorous enough
For your beauty
And tender enough for your soul
But they are did not come from within me
I did not create them
They are the flesh of me I tear apart to show you
The emptiness inside
And to fill your scars

I hope you don't need them
Yet so afraid that you don't
Because they are already broken
And have nowhere to go

I can't bear to be the dust in the wind
Floating away from you
But as my tears and fear takes over me
That's where my words will go

I can’t desire standing next to you
Or let my tears stain your soul
So I kept myself between you and the flow
But soon, over me, the water will go

And darkness will be all I know.


If only I was forgotten before
I was known.

If only, into this life,
I was never borne.

I had no more songs to sing
Not because you never answered
But because I thought you didn't want to listen
I loved the echoes of my own voice
As long as I knew you were the cliff on the other side sending it back

But when the wall has been obscured by a total lack of presence

I can no longer see if you have already tore it down
And welcomed in everything that’s not me
And my voice had been all along
Just companion to the wind

I knew you didn't need me
But I know you needed something
I couldn't see if you are gathering
Gold underneath everything
And harbouring a world inside your dreams

I had to scatter the already broken pieces of me
So that you are never barren and empty
So you can be my distant field of love unending
Filled with all of me that's better than
These terrors I am carrying

I needed you more than you needed anything
But I knew you belonged to the earth
And I dare not let my wave of persistent
Darkness weather you away

I had to carry all of my own burdens in all of its dreamless weight
Let it crush me in silence

All I ask you is the echoes of my own voice
To know that you are still there
Listening

Healing
Feeling safe.