Why am I so afraid to cry?
I question as I furiously rub at the tears on my cheek.
I mean it’s not a weakness, and I’m not a stranger to pain, or anger.
But I guess it’s because when I’m sad, I try and fight it off.
After all, why should I be surprised, the hurt never fades away.
And I’m sorry, I really am, for apologizing, and for falling for you.
Because I know myself.
And I know how much of a coward I am.
I’m not one to open up, to trust easily, I always hold back.
You can’t expect much else from me, I’ve experienced too much hate and been let down too many times to not be wary.
So sure, you opened up, you told me your secrets, you let me in.
But couldn’t you tell how much I flinched, how I only gave you tidbits that are of no matter.
Why would I supply you with ammunition to **** me faster?
And I know, I pretended it was all fine, and it was at first.
But like I said, I know myself, and I know when I fall I fall hard.
But I’m also insecure, because I know I have to open up, and I’m so afraid of getting hurt.
And you’re going to hurt me, I know you are, I can feel it because my chest is already constricting and my heart is already exploding.
And I have a headache. Because I can’t stop it.
And I feel so alone.
Please come hold me.
Let me cry.
Wipe away my tears and teach me how to smile.
Help me heal, don’t watch as I shatter again.
The pieces you see, they’re getting harder to find.
And pretty soon, they’ll be too fine.
Like sand, in an hourglass, I’m running out of time.
So tell me you love me, and stare into my eyes,
And make me a pinky promise you’re not going to run out of my life.

The conflict of two opposing sides of the world. Born in one country, raised in another.
What terms are you supposed to grow up on?
How do you merge two different ideologies?
Two different cultures?
Imagine it.
The world is already in turmoil.
And you are a young girl.
Forced to view two sides of two different coins of two different currencies.
Coping with the pressure, the expectations, the manipulations.
Skin, love, food, religion.
Everything is a warzone.
And you are caught in the middle.
In no man’s land.
Because no man has to fight this battle.
Because no man has to hide the blood.
Because it's always the girl who loses her life trying to figure out how to live.

Trust.
It’s such an innocent word with implications heavier than 20 bricks.
Trust is what erodes us slowly every day, like the weather takes its toll on a rock.
Because we start by trusting everyone, when we enter the world so naive.
And yet, you get let down, each and every time.
And it hurts, like getting stabbed in the chest.
But what’s the use of crying? The breaker will pretend like it’s no big deal.
Don’t make a scene out of it they say.
So you stop talking, and you wither away.
Quietly.
Because there’s no one left to tell the truth to.
And there’s no one left who will hold you.
They broke your wings, your legs, and blinded you to the sun.
They locked you in a cage and watched you burn.
So when they set you free, you limped out and left.
Why would you want to come back when you know there’s a hell?
Still, you’re drawn back, like a homing pigeon flies around.
And they beat you and tear you down, until you lie sobbing on the ground.

Words.
They pour out of my mouth faster than I can think.
Fly off my fingers too quick to stop.
Meaningless and soft.
Yet dangerous and sharp.
But you don't understand.
How it is that I can ramble on.
But you won't understand.
I’m trying to hide exactly what's wrong.
So yes, it is a test.
For each and every one of you.
And you have all failed.
But someday one of you will catch me out.
And confront me on this masquerade.
And listen to exactly what I have to say.

When you look at me do you see the brokenness inside?
Or can I hide it so well that no one questions it?
Or maybe no one cares.
But I shatter a little more everyday.
And maybe everyone ignores it because we ignore everything else too.
But I wish you didn’t ignore it.
I wish you wouldn’t let me walk away with it.
I wish you would stop me and let me fall apart.
Because that’s the only way I can put myself back together.
Tape and glue can only hold for so long.
I need to start fresh, but I’m too scared to do it alone.
Help me get rid of this pain?
Please?

I didn’t cry at first.
I was too numb, too shocked.
I sat there in disbelief.
Until my mind exploded.
Until I cringed in disgust and fear.
Am I safe anymore? I questioned.
I tried not to think about it.
I was hoping it was just a horrible dream.
But it wasn’t.
And the hate, it came the next day.
I hid from it, out of fear and self-preservation.
But I heard the stories, I heard the words, I heard the abuse.
But I still refused to cry.
I thought to myself, I will be fine, I will get through this.
And I sent out thoughts of safety and concern to those I was afraid for.
But finally, when I heard the self-doubt,
When I realized little girls didn’t know their own value,
When they questioned their self-worth,
My heart broke.
Because while I am resilient.
While I have grown up in the hatred.
While I have survived.
They should not have to go through the oppression.
Let them live.
Let them love.
Let them be.