A strange feeling
One I never thought existed
To be living
two lives

One running to the point of collapse
The other
myself

Who am I?
Everything feels off
out of place

uncertain of what was
so
who am I now?

"Get a job" they said
"You'll be fine" they said
"Just get use to it" they said

I sit wide awake
While everyone sleeps
Unsure what to do at this hour
My brain is tired
But yet refuses to sleep
Due to needing to be awake at the site

New schedules soon
Hopefully this will help
My sleepless nights

Though we rarely talk
I feel you near

I understand the gifts I sent
are probably the few that spark imagination
and bring back the tiny Christmas spirit

However, I look at my tree
thousands of miles from yours
and I know there is nothing from you

no present or gift with your name
nothing to show you were here

But I am not sad
because even though I do not know where I stand with you
I know where you stand with me

and even there is no present from you
I smile and look to the sky
Wishing for you to be here

Longing for you to be near
and ultimately
just missing you here with me

Maybe not today
Or tomorrow
Or the day after
But one day
I'll be there

Through tears
Cuts
Scrapes
And fights
I'm getting there

Through the constant beratenints
Through the feeling of not being enough
I'm finally getting there

Little by little
One item at a time
And soon it will be done

They come
In the dead of night
When everyone is asleep
They don't **** any more
Well, not the way they used too
They keep me up at night
Make me scared of sleep
Only thing that helps me
Is someone I can't see
I can’t say how this is affecting me
The one person I told
I thought I was crazy
So I basically learned
I can’t tell anyone
How I don’t sleep at night
I lay in fear of them
And I shouldn’t
But I do
These things so simple
Yet make it to where I can’t sleep
These demons
Please don’t **** me anymore
But they made me scared of the dark
For a while, at least...

Her day is the same

Wake up
Get dressed
Put on the mask
Head out for the day

A simple item
you would never is how she hides in plain sight

Her hair pulled back.
Her smile shown
But her mind a prison.

Every day she hides behind her mask
Until she is alone

Only then she takes it off
and allows the pain to flow down her face

Her self worth shot to hell
Her beauty uncomparable
Her mind challenges those twice her age

But no one can see
how well she uses her mask
to hide from the world

Wish upon a star
Wish your problems away
Wish it to all be well

Childhood was full of hope
That adulthood could never fill
Full of disappointment
Fear of the clock counting down

Wish upon a star
wishing for anywhere
but here

Thoughts and feelings pour out like a river
Yet the body refuses to move
The drive is gone
And the feeling to move is like mud
Stuck in time
Unsure what to do
Questions and concerns seem to be constant
Yet dread is an old friend
Waiting for the fall once more
The crushing of pain
A old cruel friend
Yet when a voice is heard
These feelings
Melt away in happiness
Joy overpowers them
And the fear of falling
It is not a question anymore
When standing on stable ground
Once more

Innocent questions
Lead to understanding
Favor growing
Roots deepening
East she went
To follow her duties

But when she asked you to join
You snapped and barked
Shut her down without a second thought
Your view had to be law

But the confusion grew
Why say one is a sinner
And should not be loved
When on a page it states
To love thy neighbor
And other says to love one another

If the beginning and end
Are one of the same
They why harp on simple things
Instead of following them as laws
As you state

Why must your mind be narrow
But demand other to be open about you
Isn't that counteracting
This book you hold?

Such a perfect life
Such a perfect time

no limits
no boudairs

Only extremes
are for me

Is it too much
to wish them real

and I didn't have to say
those words again?

A promise
A guarantee
that this would never happen again

But now the past repeats
The yelling once more
echos the halls

The home
has now became a house
A I count the days

till I can leave hell again

It's coming to a new year
a new year with you

We have a few hours left
but I can see you're already ready for bed

When time comes
I know it will a long night

I fear how you will handle the sounds
but I know you will be alright

A new year
A new home

A perfect home
A forever home

My skin feels weird
my actions aren't right
My thoughts are off
Im watching from behind a glass wall
and I don't feel right

A strange feeling
A weird feelings
of two lives
controlling one body
and neither know what to do

Run fast
Run hard
Run anywhere your feet can take you
far, far away from this place called home

Run, run while you can
For a devilish smile
And heart of gold
Won't be there when your
Grey and old

Run fast
Run hard
Run until you can't run anymore
then run some more

and hopefully
out run dear old death there

Where no living thing breathes
But the ones who can not sleep
Where the ones whose minds run
Stay awake and think
Where the heartache becomes real
And why the loneliness sets in

That's where I am
That's why I choose to sleep

Silence
nothing dares to break it
Every breath and scream respects
the silence
the only sound
are drips hitting the floor
One after another
Crushed hope
Broken dreams
They sit alone
Alone with no one near
Dangerous thoughts plagued the mind
then the silence came once more
Nothing breaking it this time

Past fears haunt me
The pain from the others is swimming on the surface
Uncertainty about actions and words
After the knives in my back
What is true and what is in a fool’s mind
Time seem to ticks by
And the silence doesn’t bring me comfort anymore
Am I being played when there is silence
Will my arms be turned away for another?
Am I not enough for one?
My mind becomes a prison.
And when the silence is broken.
It's like a courtyard I get to walk in
But then I must go back to my cell
And the fears come back
How much is true over a device
How much is hidden just behind the scenes?
These fears are the ones that haunt my dreams
As sweet as I want them
Venom always come back up
And the night becomes sleepless once more
I say nothing as my body shakes with fear and tears roll down
The hits made me expect it now
And due to the fear, they walked away
So what do I do?
Let the fear control the night once more
Or be alone once more on a cold night?

A story plot
Would take up hours of my time
Line by line
Page after page
My flow was never ending
And one was even hundred plus

But now
A few paragraphs is difficult
The drive I once had
Feels forced instead of natural
I use to write
To escape reality
Now it feels every my stories
Have once again
Become prison cells

One may get none
One may get one
One may get two
Why did I get three

From none to three
Is quite a feet indeed
Many get two or more
When choice is a thing

So how did I get three
On accident

Never met
But he feels so close
And gave me a feeling
I had almost forgot about
A feeling that was so old
No one ever came near her
The girl alone in the corner
Alone and sad ever since the break
Her love
Her everything
Left her with nothing but questions
Now another seemed to find her
Even though we have never met
His kindness make me giddy
And remind me how beautiful a day can be
Part of me wants to cry
Part of me wants to laugh
But slowly
The girl in the corner is starting to come back
Back home
Back to reality
It has only been recently that I found myself again
And I found it through music
The same song that save me years ago
The artist that is my favorite again
My mind is clear for once in years
Even after my devil made a mess
And the stalker burned all trust I had with people
After having my friend turn
Family torn
And pushed away by my own blood
Even after that
I feel comfortable once again
Comfortable to be the person I choose to be
And though it has been quite a while
Years since I picked her
The girl in the corner
The one who cried for years
Who was beaten by friends
Pushed past the point of breaking
Cast out from society
And even held her life in her hands
A simple broken, scared girl
That's who I choose to be
The one who can love and not think
The one who can heal any wound she touches
The one who isn't afraid of the world
She has dealt with everything
Yet she still walks
She walks through everything that life throws at her
And even if I write this with tears
That is who I choose to be
The innocent girl who didn’t know how bad the world was
Or how quickly a family could be torn apart
A little girl who wanted to be loved by everyone
Before the world turned sour
And the little girl changed to a scared woman
Before her world changed
Just a little girl
Who could laugh and enjoy life
And did not hate her reflection
That girl
That is who I want to be again
Kind words were a privilege before
Having to be on guard at all times
And I know I changed
A little hurting started to grow after the first one
But after the incident
That's when she had to grow up
And fight to live every day
A living hell was normal for me
Unsure if it was my last or not
It was a game I use to playback, then
When I really lost who that little girl was
But that little girl found a voice through the hell
A woman scared for life
Yet no one can see it
But woman who learned how to fight
That woman grew
Harsh words to everyone
No one could get close
She made people bow to her
Even without saying a word
And through everything
I also wish to be this woman
Because the girl and the woman are the same
But sadly is another that I know I am
And that is me
Unsure the age
But simple things can make the tears come now
But when in front of others
Nothing happens
Push away as a child
Family torn apart because of an action
Losing friends who played me
Completely alone
Screaming a silent scream
No one saw till later
After the damage was done
And things I enjoyed
I don't do anymore
Holding my own life in my hands
Having to choose life or death
And crying myself to sleep most nights
I have to own it
And even though it doesn't seem like it
I want to be all of them
A caring little girl
And strong woman
But also understanding of what can happen
That is me
This who I choose to be now
After the pain
After the fights
After the isolation
I want to be them all
Because they are all me
And now I feel like I have found that again
The missing piece of a puzzle
The complete the picture
Not knowing it was missing
Till someone offered it
A little girl
An independent woman
But also a person who knows pain
And has many scars that are not seen
But that doesn't stop her
From finally enjoying life
Once again

Many know me
I'm there at a drop of the hat
Yet
When I need one
There is no one
My phone is silent
And I sit alone
Hoping for something
But nothing will change
And I am forever alone

A gentle hand
A kind face
She cared for others like they were own
The magician they called her
Being able to make everyone's fears and pain
Disappear for good
Magic, they said it was
But in truth
She was no different than the common folk
She had no magic
No gifted ability
Just knew how to help others
Trying to brighten their day up
Even if it was something as simple as a smile
A small action
That could mean the world to someone
She knew this too well
And vowed to herself
To not let the past repeat itself
Though the days could be rough
She held herself together
To help others that needed it
Because that was what drove her
To get up in the morning
And know that happiness
I was still out there somewhere
Even if she was meant to find it alone

This started as a poem about hurt
This started as a poem about pain
This started as a poem about love
This started as a poem about heartache

Instead it is about passion
Instead it is about drive
Instead it is about hard work
Instead it is about fighting

Simple really
push me down
I get up
broken and bruised I get up

My story has torn pages
burnt ends
missing text
but it still burns for good

Was I just a book to sit on the shelf
or am I the one to be reread over and over again
because it sparks passion and drive
to get something done

No words ever spoken
But years of pain could be heard
The scars on the body
The fear in the eyes
The hesitation on tasks
A pain some know too well
Terrified to be alone
In the unknown
But now understanding
Now trusting
Years of abuse visible in reactions
The backups
The wide eyes
The shaking
But just as quick as it comes
It leaves and the love is accepted once again
Allowing people to get close
And trusting little ones near
Knowing there are bad days
But none will entail hits, whips, or even waiting
Even though the knowledge is there
The damage is there
Somethings can never be fixed
But they can be worked through
And what once was a scared horse
Is now a baby who comes willingly to mom

I'm in so much pain
My skin has turned on me
And what once showed a few scars
Now is leather itchy
Red patches cover it
And I scratch till I bleed
The scabs get deeper
And more scars are created
With every movement
I'm tired of being in pain
I'm tied of my body hurting
I want to be normal
I want to be human
Would it be to much
If I gave up this fight
And made the pain stop for good?

Normal people hope for love
They hope for dreams
Hope for fanesty to be real

Others hope for basic necessities
Understanding from another
Far and few dreams to be

But I hope for one thing
Something so small
Many would laugh at

I hope
Not to be broken
Once more

By person
By action
Or by thing

I wish not to feel the gut rentching pain
That is hope crashing to the ground
Shattering to dust

Is that so much to ask
Not to be broken once more?

Three years
Three simple years

1st was great
finding love
standing up and speaking of the past
experiencing hurt
but feeling whole

2nd was different
lost many friends
grew close to others
still figuring out love
but trying to find peace with myself once more

3rd
3rd was one I wish not to speak about
one about pain
one about torment
one where my biggest regret lies

would I change it, perhaps
but I wouldn't be the same
but I also wouldn't dread a friendly visit
even if it is just talk

He left me
My best friend
My only
Was gone
And I was all alone
The time we shared
Seemed to become daggers
That repeatedly stabbed me over and over
My heart was shattered beyond repair
And no one ever was going to fix it
But I couldn’t dwell on him
I had a baby girl to take care of
A very violent child, but still mine
I cared for her like she was my own blood
And we all tried to teach her
To stop being angry at the world
We even went to a new school to see if that would help
But it didn’t
And they sent her away
Far away from me
Even against my wishes
I understood harming teachers was bad
But she was still my baby
And I knew she could do good with just more time
Time I didn't have
So I was alone again
Completely alone
I began to hate everyone
It was their fault I lost my daughter
Their were the ones who sent her away
So I isolated from everyone
The world seemed like a prison
And I didn’t want to talk with anyone ever again
But soon, my want for people drew out the anger I had
I started to come out again slowly
But then they tried to give me a new friend
One younger than my last
But older than my daughter
One my age
I didn’t want her
I didn’t need her
I made sure she knew that
Pushing her away every time she came close
Yelling at her for the smallest things
I started to break her spirit
Her will to try
And then it happened
I pushed her away and turned my back to her
And she froze
She didn’t try to nudge me again
Just frozen in pain
When I looked at her, I saw it
A single tear falling from her eye
And I saw the damage I had caused
The damage I caused myself
Looking in her brown eyes
I saw myself
And how broken and hurt I really was
And I broke
Truly broke
And instead of pushing me away like I did to her
She opened her arms to me
And let me cry
Just holding me until the tears ran out
And it was that moment when we understood each other
Two people hurt by others
But who didn’t want to cause harm
But create good instead
So we created good wherever we went
And even if far by distance
We are still close at heart
This is how I met my best friend
My equal
My baby
And my pain
This is how I met Soxs

Take it in
hold
release

take it in
hold
the anger builds
release

take it in
hold
scream a soundless scream
release

take it in
hold
accept the truth and fight back
release

take it in
hold
lash out in frustration
release

take it in
hold
wait
2
3
release with everything

until your completely empty
to start breathing again