I thought it would be easy
putting myself out there
hoping to find a spark

but when I actually do it
All I can think of
is you

the warmth of your hugs
the comfort I felt at your touch
The softness of your kisses

All of it
is you
and I'll I'm doing
is chasing the ghost

of what will never be

I thought I could handle it
He didn't touch me that much
It was just one touch
And nothing more

But I didn't relize the anxiety I would have driving back
I didn't know the pain I would have
Standing in the same spot where it happened
I didn't think I was so good
At pretendeding I was ok

Until I started to break
The tears falling down my face
My legs shaking uncomfortably
My chest tightening

I struggled to breath
To remain calm
When I lost control of my body
And all thought was of the past

The past as a child
When it first happened
The past of a teenager
When it happened again, but worse
The past of a adult
Who just wanted to feel loved

I thought I was doing good
But maybe I lied to myself
And just got good
At bottling it up inside

I work to passing out
I can't sleep due to my mind still working

I struggle to understand
how the pain has become normal

Trying to phantom
that our efforts are but just a passing wind

Trying to gather the courage
to find my place

because the more I work
The more I understand

the more
you push me away

and blame it
on a lack of funds

Money makes the world go round
But poisons the well of hope
And makes people turn into monsters

So simple
a tiny number we use to dictate
our own worth

but what happens
when I try to get on stable ground
and I can't even do that

Everything that has brought joy
is so daunting now
Everything that made me happy
Everything that brought me love
is gone

and I am alone

created by my own making

oh the simple sweet struggle
of trying to find your place
in this great big world
and trying not to be forgotten
in the seas of time