"You're so mature for your age"
I have to care for my parent and make sure she safe

"You're so responsible"
I have to make sure my parent eats before she gets sick

"Your hearing is amazing"
I listen carefully before walking into a room

"You are so happy to be around"
I don't want others to feel unwanted

"You have such good grades"
They yelled if I didn't do well enough

"Your parents must be rich if you have that much money"
I save the money they give me for lunch instead of eating

"how did you become such a good listener"
I had to listen to them vent about each other

"you always have the greatest ideas"
My ideas only mattered when there was no one else

"Your always up and there for me"
I stayed up listening to fighting and shouts

Now I am a adult trying to navigate life
But back then
I was just a kid

Tears and sobs
Turns into smiles and laughs

Emptiness
Turns into a feeling wanted

Isolation
Turns into carring

Some much change
One way or the other

Love to heartache
Friends to strangers

Alone once more
And not sure what to do

I can message who ever I want
But does the knowledge help

When I don't want anyone
But the one I lost?

Slowly you'll fade
Slowly I'll skew your memories
Slowly everything will be as it was

Distance between us
Awkward silence when were near
And the knowledge that we are strangers once more

Your creator got her way
but broke two hearts instead of one
So swift, so sweet, so ruthless

Now I will lay my head to sleep
Holding you in my memory
forevermore

until leaves near die
and the sun always shines
I wish you the best

so I kiss my hand
and blow you a kiss
a farewell my little devil

I should be sleeping
I should be laying down
I should be comfy
I should be doing alot of nothing

Instead
As my body started to fade
Into the blissful sleep
I thought of you
I thought of me

I thought about us


Tears poured out my eyes
Sobs gasped from aching chest
Because for a split moment
I saw you
At the end of the aisle


But you weren't standing
As I walked to you
So peaceful you looked
So precious
It looked like you were just taking
A much needed nap

And in this thought that made me fear sleep
I saw you be lowered
And placing your hat upon the casket
Before carefully pouring the dirt
And wishing you a very

Very said goodbye

Why does it hurt so much?

previously your absence was a relief
now its pain

maybe because of the way it ended
or maybe because of what was said

but why does it hurt
and I can't cry anymore???