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What have I done
Have I really let myself go
Did I really loose my intentions

So swift
So simple
So pure in intent

But was this a mistake
Was it the right call
Does the pleasure over rule the social gaze

So simple
So sweet
So innocent

Was it a dream
Or a nightmare?
It doesn't feel real
It just feels like a dream
A very vivid dream

One where the world stood still
One where everything was perfect
One where I knew I was safe

I know it was real
Those hours into the night
That changed into morning

But why do they feel fake
Or like I just had a dream?
A very amazing dream

My mind torn
One wanting more
And nothing at all

Confused where to stand
But that night
That dream

Perhaps I'll know later
Later when everything else makes sense
Later when I'm not trying to remember every little detail

Later when I do not feel it a dream
Little devil
I sat on the bench
Quitely Watchung
Refusing to partake in the symphony of others

A little girl came and sat next to me
Wild brown auburn hair
Deep rich brown eyes

She sat smiling as she kicked her legs
"It's nice out here today"
Her voice startling me a bit

So pippy, so energetic
I gave a her a half smile
As I pulled my sleeves down

"Yeah I guess it is" I responded as her gaze was preoccupied
"Why do you wear a jacket when it's hot?"
"I get cold easily" Same old lie once more

Her eyes found mine once more something almost familiar about them as a young woman came up

"Mind if I sit, I'm waiting on a friend?"
I moved closer to the young girl as the woman sat

Her brown hair was pulled back in a cap with hints of fire red in it
Her tanned skin showed scars fading on her arms
Maybe she worked outside and got a occasional cut here and there

We sat in silence
Just the three of us
"It's a nice day today" the little girl repeated

The woman smiled as she leaned forward to speak
Her eyes full of warmth and passion
"Aye it is little one. Great day to do the impossible."

"What's impossible?" The girl asked
"Something you never imagined you would do. And it's really scarry."
Before the little girl could respond, she got off the bench and ran off

The woman sat back and chuckled
"Children are always fascinating to talk to, full of wonder and possibilities."
I shrugged as I looked at the ground
"Hey" the woman said making me look at her
Her eyes sharp and stern but her voice calm
"I know that look, been down that road myself a few. Nothing will get better if you choose that road, but you out here means your trying to find that reason. Make it a point to take it one day at a time, and if that's too much then hour by hour or minute by minute. Break it up to find something good every single day."

I looked at the woman shocked
My hand slowly released the razor blade in my pocket
Her gaze moved off of me as I felt tears start to come

"Hhhhow" I managed in a barely audible voice
She gave me a half smile and side glance
"Not hard to know when someone is saying goodbye. We have our own scars, but don't let them become shackles to hold yourself back."

We sat in silence
Just the two of us
"Hey my friends here, but thanks for the converstation. Remember, find one good thing every day, makes the process a whole lot easier."

I watched her walk off
Leaving me alone on the bench
Silently I sat

I gazed up at the tree
Providing just enough shade to sit comfortably
And I smiled
at my one good thing that day
"You're the worst
You're completely and underly uselessly
You're the definition of pain
You're the reason everyone leaves
You are so ugly
You will always be a last resort
You will never amount to anything
Your style is the reason you have no friends
You are such a looser
You are pathetic
You're insane
You are the reason people walk away
You will never get more than a participation award
You're the dumbest person I know
You have no talent
Your scars will always define you
You should just die already
You will not be missed
You are the bane of my existence


I HATE YOU AND I ALWAYS WILL!"








But as my mind found every flaw
I just smiled at myself
in the mirror
Thank you for the memories
Thank you for the effort
Thank you for the laughs
Thank you for the cries
Thank you for the pleasure
Thank you for the heartache

just thank you


                                                                                         "You're welcome"
To take a picture from my eye
Or what a wonder it would be

Snap it up like a memory
Hold the painting forever more

Such beauty that can never be captured
No mater how hard man tries
Oh such a feeble thing
Holding life in one's hands

To watch life come in the world
And watch it leave

Such a feeble thing
Letters and words in ink

A mortal body is different
Such strange knowledge in ones mind

If only
If only I could express what this feeling is
If only I could write every thought I have
If only I could write the history I know

It would be so simply, really
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