I’m alone
Alone with my thoughts
The bad thoughts
The ones that hurt me
They come at night
They hunt me
When I feel ok
They take my happiness
And leave me with pain
And it comes out on my skin
A red trail
Down my limb
Think red blood
Coming from a single cut
One slice and it's over
But I fight
I fight for a losing cause
I didn’t want them to return
But they did
And now
It’s a fight for my life
Every night
When I’m alone
The thoughts eat away at me
They **** me from the inside out
Slowly
Suggesting the blade
Over and over and over again
“Take it,” they whisper
“Take it, and it is fine.”
I don't want to
I don't want to pick it up
I don’t
But I’m alone
And who would stop me
Would it be something they would want to change if they could
Or would they let me sit there
And fall asleep
No one knowing
Till its too late
“Save me,” I cry
“Someone SAVE ME”
They laugh
They mock me
“Who would save you, apathetic, needy child.”
Until one night
The fight is too much
And they win
One slice is it all it took
But to make sure
There was two
Long thin cuts
And I fell asleep
For good
No one heard me
No saved me
I was alone with my thought
Alone and scarred
And soon was overpowered by the darkness.

He left me
My best friend
My only
Was gone
And I was all alone
The time we shared
Seemed to become daggers
That repeatedly stabbed me over and over
My heart was shattered beyond repair
And no one ever was going to fix it
But I couldn’t dwell on him
I had a baby girl to take care of
A very violent child, but still mine
I cared for her like she was my own blood
And we all tried to teach her
To stop being angry at the world
We even went to a new school to see if that would help
But it didn’t
And they sent her away
Far away from me
Even against my wishes
I understood harming teachers was bad
But she was still my baby
And I knew she could do good with just more time
Time I didn't have
So I was alone again
Completely alone
I began to hate everyone
It was their fault I lost my daughter
Their were the ones who sent her away
So I isolated from everyone
The world seemed like a prison
And I didn’t want to talk with anyone ever again
But soon, my want for people drew out the anger I had
I started to come out again slowly
But then they tried to give me a new friend
One younger than my last
But older than my daughter
One my age
I didn’t want her
I didn’t need her
I made sure she knew that
Pushing her away every time she came close
Yelling at her for the smallest things
I started to break her spirit
Her will to try
And then it happened
I pushed her away and turned my back to her
And she froze
She didn’t try to nudge me again
Just frozen in pain
When I looked at her, I saw it
A single tear falling from her eye
And I saw the damage I had caused
The damage I caused myself
Looking in her brown eyes
I saw myself
And how broken and hurt I really was
And I broke
Truly broke
And instead of pushing me away like I did to her
She opened her arms to me
And let me cry
Just holding me until the tears ran out
And it was that moment when we understood each other
Two people hurt by others
But who didn’t want to cause harm
But create good instead
So we created good wherever we went
And even if far by distance
We are still close at heart
This is how I met my best friend
My equal
My baby
And my pain
This is how I met Soxs

Unsure about this one
Many before have come
And it not just me hurting when they leave
The first gave me my son
Then he left
The second took advantage of my son and me
The third couldn’t stand up
For my son or me
The fourth had kids
But the anger drove me off
One girl didn’t want to leave
The “Beast” or “Monster” as she called him
It was too scary when he was angry
I took her in
I share her with her father and mother
But now she doesn’t want to leave me
Then there is the fifth one
Much different from the rest
No children, from what I can gather
And beforehand, I was quick to bring my children
But I can see the damage on their faces
When the past comes up
This man makes promises
But I have been made a fool
Too much for my liking
I ask how much is real
And how much is wishful thinking
I am not easy
My life is not easy
And neither are my children
Middle schoolers now
Homeschooled because of the animals
And the training’s
The events interfered too much beforehand
This man said he understands
But how much can I trust
How much is true
In a world full of pain and lies?

No words ever spoken
But years of pain could be heard
The scars on the body
The fear in the eyes
The hesitation on tasks
A pain some know too well
Terrified to be alone
In the unknown
But now understanding
Now trusting
Years of abuse visible in reactions
The backups
The wide eyes
The shaking
But just as quick as it comes
It leaves and the love is accepted once again
Allowing people to get close
And trusting little ones near
Knowing there are bad days
But none will entail hits, whips, or even waiting
Even though the knowledge is there
The damage is there
Somethings can never be fixed
But they can be worked through
And what once was a scared horse
Is now a baby who comes willingly to mom

Never met
But he feels so close
And gave me a feeling
I had almost forgot about
A feeling that was so old
No one ever came near her
The girl alone in the corner
Alone and sad ever since the break
Her love
Her everything
Left her with nothing but questions
Now another seemed to find her
Even though we have never met
His kindness make me giddy
And remind me how beautiful a day can be
Part of me wants to cry
Part of me wants to laugh
But slowly
The girl in the corner is starting to come back
Back home
Back to reality
It has only been recently that I found myself again
And I found it through music
The same song that save me years ago
The artist that is my favorite again
My mind is clear for once in years
Even after my devil made a mess
And the stalker burned all trust I had with people
After having my friend turn
Family torn
And pushed away by my own blood
Even after that
I feel comfortable once again
Comfortable to be the person I choose to be
And though it has been quite a while
Years since I picked her
The girl in the corner
The one who cried for years
Who was beaten by friends
Pushed past the point of breaking
Cast out from society
And even held her life in her hands
A simple broken, scared girl
That's who I choose to be
The one who can love and not think
The one who can heal any wound she touches
The one who isn't afraid of the world
She has dealt with everything
Yet she still walks
She walks through everything that life throws at her
And even if I write this with tears
That is who I choose to be
The innocent girl who didn’t know how bad the world was
Or how quickly a family could be torn apart
A little girl who wanted to be loved by everyone
Before the world turned sour
And the little girl changed to a scared woman
Before her world changed
Just a little girl
Who could laugh and enjoy life
And did not hate her reflection
That girl
That is who I want to be again
Kind words were a privilege before
Having to be on guard at all times
And I know I changed
A little hurting started to grow after the first one
But after the incident
That's when she had to grow up
And fight to live every day
A living hell was normal for me
Unsure if it was my last or not
It was a game I use to playback, then
When I really lost who that little girl was
But that little girl found a voice through the hell
A woman scared for life
Yet no one can see it
But woman who learned how to fight
That woman grew
Harsh words to everyone
No one could get close
She made people bow to her
Even without saying a word
And through everything
I also wish to be this woman
Because the girl and the woman are the same
But sadly is another that I know I am
And that is me
Unsure the age
But simple things can make the tears come now
But when in front of others
Nothing happens
Push away as a child
Family torn apart because of an action
Losing friends who played me
Completely alone
Screaming a silent scream
No one saw till later
After the damage was done
And things I enjoyed
I don't do anymore
Holding my own life in my hands
Having to choose life or death
And crying myself to sleep most nights
I have to own it
And even though it doesn't seem like it
I want to be all of them
A caring little girl
And strong woman
But also understanding of what can happen
That is me
This who I choose to be now
After the pain
After the fights
After the isolation
I want to be them all
Because they are all me
And now I feel like I have found that again
The missing piece of a puzzle
The complete the picture
Not knowing it was missing
Till someone offered it
A little girl
An independent woman
But also a person who knows pain
And has many scars that are not seen
But that doesn't stop her
From finally enjoying life
Once again

My little devil
He made me scream
He made me cry
He made me want to **** him
He made me want to love him
He was nothing and everything in an instant
When we were close
We came up with nicknames to tease each other with
“Alright, Bookworm,” He use to say
“Fair deal Devil” I would spout off
I never viewed him as the devil
Just my personal devil
But not the one to cause harm
The one who would protect me
The long nights we stayed up to talk
The sweet moments we share
They made my pulse race
And cause me to wish they never existed
My own devil
My protector
But mine
For a moment in time, he was mine
And I was his
And everything was perfect
But the moment shattered
And my devil turned on me
I wasn’t scarred
I was calm
As my devil looked at me with
His bloodthirsty eyes
I stayed silent as he roared in my face
But I just smiled
Through the tears that formed
And my heartbreaking
And I reached out one last time
And patted my devil on the head
He shrunk back to the man I saw
And he became something more special
That no one can match
He was once my devil that I kept around
And now he is my little devil
Who reminds me of good times
And it still makes me cry at night
Or with the tune of a box
My own little devil that haunts my dreams
And steals my sleep
It makes my mind wander
And think “What if”
No one sees him
But I know he is there
My little devil
Who will never leave my heart

Thoughts and feelings pour out like a river
Yet the body refuses to move
The drive is gone
And the feeling to move is like mud
Stuck in time
Unsure what to do
Questions and concerns seem to be constant
Yet dread is an old friend
Waiting for the fall once more
The crushing of pain
A old cruel friend
Yet when a voice is heard
These feelings
Melt away in happiness
Joy overpowers them
And the fear of falling
It is not a question anymore
When standing on stable ground
Once more