I've built a bomb shelter type crawl space for us to hunker down in when the world blows up. If that isn't the ultimate proof of my love I don't know what is.
Sure you'll end up pooping in a bucket and washing in recycled *** but **** it woman, you will be alive.
You know how they say a person could get so hungry they would eat dog food. Well I left us mostly dog food. That way we can skip right to that sort of situation and experience it first hand. If that isn't the ultimate act of love I don't know what is.
You Know how you said you wouldn't have *** with me if I was the last man on earth? With only you and me in the bomb shelter, we'll have a chance to test that theory. Besides, it might be up to us to repopulate the world so that's going to mean making babies which requires lots of ***. Sacrifices must be made. It's our duty. Count me in.
I'll have to extract a pint of blood a week from you to feed the crickets. Later to grind them up as cricket meat. Cricket burgers, cricket burritos. We'll mix it with the dog food for a unique pate'. Toss them in your mouth when snacking, like popcorn. And yes, crickets make noise but so did Beethoven.
Plus it will be cold down there in the bomb shelter but blankets take up so much room there won't be many. We'll have to spoon at night to share our body heat. It only makes sense. To share our body heat. Spoon at night. Body heat...Oh yeah...
Anyway, where was I? Oh right. So I dug you a bomb shelter to survive in, just in case the world goes kablooey. Maybe I'll even be the one who blows up the earth so we can be together. Now if that isn't the ultimate act of love I don't know what is.
Let's start a business today!
We'll call it Complimentary Mirror. Here's how it works.
First thing in the morning you look into the mirror and say,
"mirror mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all"?
And the Complimentary Mirror answers back - you are, your
the fairest of them all. Then it tells you one of hundreds of
reasons why your magnificent, which it keeps stored in its data base.
The mirror would give compliments why someone is so
Compliments such as:
Your wonderful because you don't take **** from no one.
Your awesome because you practice revenge on your enemies.
Your the fairest of them all because you extort favors from your
inferiors and blackmail your superiors.
You rise above all others because you don't tolerate stupid people
and publically humiliate them.
Your terrifically wonderful because you discipline with spanking
other people's children.
And you get raises at work by threatening your boss.
And want public hangings brought back.
And loathe loud talkers to the point of wanting them dead.
And other complimentary mirror things.
A mirror that compliments you each morning to help you get a
positive start on your pathetically wretched day.
Let's start a business today! (Trademark pending).
Why all the cabbage said I?
It grows in the back said he.
Where's the bathroom said I?
The outhouse is in he back he said.
Does your dad live in town I asked?
No, my dad's buried in the back, out past.
Did your grandfather save this farm for you to have?
No, he's also buried in the back, in a grave.
So, at this point I quite naturally just had to go into the back of the house,
to see all there was to see. Quite naturally.
And dear God, let me tell you what I saw.
.....TO BE CONTINUED......
( I'm learning the art of cliff hangers in my writing. You know,
leave them hanging. Wanting for more. As in...to be continued).
How am I doing?
( By the way, there is no ending to this poem. I'm a shock poet. My poems are like being bitten by a word-snake. Uncomfortable yes, but you'll probably live.
Willoughby Newsletter: Come and check out the Willoughby gang ---
Mustard Joe ( two tours of Vietnam. You don't even want to know what I've seen). Creepy Ray Ray ( rumors of my eating human flesh are strictly based on fact. And facts mean nothing today). Pendulum Pam ( eyes up here mister).
Make sure to avoid thrombosis in the legs when flying in an airplane.
How? I'm glad you asked.
To keep the circulation flowing in your legs, go ahead and KICK
the seat in front of you. Tell the flight attendant I said it was all right.
Willoughby is back. And no, I wasn't in jail.
My distant ancestors before me spent more than 100 million years as non thinking, hunter/gatherer mammals. Then in the last million or so, these ancestors of mine began to think, struggle, evolve, organize, create.
For this? All of this I see around me?
I guess I just expected more.
My ancestors crawled out of the ocean grew limbs for walking then evolved hands for climbing, grasping, survived the ice ages, conquered the plants and animals and the harsh elements, harnessed the laws of nature, created a civilization, a society.
All for this?
I don't know. I'm looking around. I'm not impressed at what I see.
I think we should start over.
Welcome to the con! The con starts with the author, Dr. Seuss.
He's no doctor. And that's a fact (and no it's not the only truthful
thing in this diatribe of mine). He used the doctor moniker to
sell more books!
That guy in the book pestering the other guy to try "Green
Eggs and Ham"? Turns out to be the ham and egg salesman,
Sam I Am.
It's a motivational selling "won't take no for an answer"
how to sell book disguised as children's literature.
And Sam I Am is psychotically relentless in his pursuit of a
sale. He needs a restraining order slapped on his ***.
"Would you eat them in a box? Would
you eat them with a fox. Would you eat
them with a goat. Would you eat them on a
boat". Would you eat green eggs and ham,
would you eat them Sam I Am?
And on and on. Sam I Am goes stalking him from page to page.
I had a friend of mine, Mustard Joe, ex war veteran with more
than twenty kills (you don't even want to know the things he's
seen) take a look into this green eggs and ham food source that
Sam I Am is pushing so hard. Here are some of the ingredients
he may or may not have found.
Ham -- 30 grams of sugar (questionable )
-- 15 grams of caffeine (untested)
Green eggs -- Trace amounts of nicotine ( not verified)
-- Handfuls of ******* (rumored)
As you can see, It's not an exact science.
People. When eggs turn green, that's mother nature trying to
warn you that your food has gone bad.
But in the end, Sam I Am gets the fool to finally try the green
eggs and ham and he absolutely loves it. Maybe the books lesson
is about to not be afraid about things you don't understand or
never tried. But I still believe there is insidious deception and
evil in the book. I have to think that way. Because after all -- I'm
Next month I explore the possibility that the book, " Everyone Poops", is a racist metaphor.
Sorry sir, there's a 15 minute wait for a table. "I'm Willoughby **** it, I wait for no one"!
Sorry mister ,we're all out of that item. " I'm Willoughby, I write poetry on All Poetry".
Sorry, we're closed. " I'm Willoughby, I'm insulted. I've killed for less".
That numbers been disconnected. " Don't you know who I am? I'm Willoughby. Willoughby!! Do I have to spell it out to you? I have a pet rat, collect garbage and live in the basement of a luxury high-rise building. Doesn't that account for anything"?
We're the I.R.S. You haven't paid taxes in five years. "Who in the hell do you think your talking to? Well I'm Willoughby. That trumps everything and all. Away with you"!
Your sentenced to five years in prison for not paying your taxes. Court adjourned. " How dare you judge me judge me judge me... judge. After all, I'm Willoughby".
...and you'll stay in solitary confinement till you behave.
Sob, cry... but I'm Willoughby.. moan...Willoughby...cry...Willoughby...