the world stands still yet time flies when i'm with you
thoughts clouded over with longing daydreams
i wonder if you think of me the same way i do about you
i wonder if you've fallen for me the same way i have for you
will i be able to show you this poem someday?
the love-drunk ramblings of a lonely soul
a lonely soul that somehow found yours in this wreckage of a society
will you stay in my life?
i haven't opened up to someone like this in so long
i haven't felt so needed in a while
my breath of fresh air after suffocating for months

you don't remember how you looked at me when i reminded you of why i have '17' tattooed on myself
"because you almost killed yourself?"
almost like you found it childish
you don't know how i bashed my knuckles into walls over and over
how i slammed my head against blunt objects and relished in the pain
how i screamed out in pure rage and agony until my voice went hoarse
how often i would cut myself
how i would only cry when i was sure no one else could hear
how i would get as far as dumping out the medicine on the table before breaking down on the floor
i was able to stop myself after 4 pills
thank god i was able to stop myself
it's a permanent reminder of how i was at my rock bottom
it's a permanent reminder that i'll never get that bad again
my life was never a joke
it never will be
i want to be alive again

how did you feel when the tears poured out of the empty, gaping sockets on your face
staining your clothes and your bedsheets and every relationship you've ever held dear
permanently coloring them an angry, ****** red
it doesn't wash away no matter how long you scrub and soak
but still my raw fingers claw at the fabric in vain, my mother will surely hate me when she sees how i've destroyed everything nice she's given me
i'll still continue to fall to my bruised knees and beg you to stay like i begged everyone else
i'll still continue to make unfixable messes of my life
i'll still continue to live when today i tried so hard not to,
i don't want you to miss someone who just hurts good people

the sands of time are so sticky
how did we fall right through them?
i don't listen to the aching in my bones
i can't remember the last time i heard you speak
it's a memory that i play over and over in my head until i can no longer remember what you looked like either
it's an old tape that finally gives in after what seems like its millionth play
what did we do to lose those long and simple summer days?

i crave a very specific poison
that eats away at me so slowly but so painfully
it courses through my veins and burns like pure acid but i need it to be alive
to feel alive
because i'm nothing but a corpse walking.

brian is the most beautiful
it could never be me
not when i'm myself
and they're them
i am an ant crushed by the incomprehensible size of an uncaring person's sandal
so i will continue to get high until i can't feel sad about my predicaments anymore
because i walk back to them and it feels like i've interrupted a party i wasn't invited to
where everyone stares at you in silence, forcing you to acknowledge the mortifying ordeal of being known
i am known to you but i wish i wasn't
i wish i wasn't your boulder, just waiting for someone to push me up a hill only to never see the fruits of success
i'm scared the feelings won't just go away
even after i gaslight myself into believing they were never there
i'm scared to say a lot of things
i hope you'll stay when i'm weak and vulnerable
i hope you'll stay

anger pours out of me in frustrated waves
eardrum-shattering
yet there is no soul in sight as they crash against the worn, rocky shore
the homes perched upon the small cliffside are weathered and abandoned
their wooden frames creaky and rotting from years of neglect and wear from the salty ocean air
the forgotten beach of lost memories sits still in time
almost like it had never existed at all
besides the roar of the vanishing waves, the only other noise is the shrieking cries of the seagulls
scrounging the unsteady pier for the rare crumb of food
the sun still rises and sets as it has for millenia
a blind eye turned to the ghost town