sometimes
i dip my
hair in herbal
soaks
in hopes
of turning
into
crumbly
man made
nature
and putrid
performances
of morals

And the stone word fell
On my still-living breast.
Never mind, I was ready.
I will manage somehow.

Today I have so much to do:
I must **** memory once and for all,
I must turn my soul to stone,
I must learn to live again--

Unless . . . Summer's ardent rustling
Is like a festival outside my window.
For a long time I've foreseen this
Brilliant day, deserted house.

I don't care  what you have to say
I don't want to sit here and listen to ******* excuses all day
I hate how you treat me, you think I'm still three
I just can't wait til eighteen cause then I'll finally be free
You thought you had a daughter to be proud of, until you actually met me
I'm sixteen now lived with you all my life
And yet I'm still trying to find out how to be liked
I change for you almost every days
But I'm done changing, I just wanna say
I hate you with a passion, you'll never understand
I've wanted you to leave ever since I could stand
You were never there not even one
And you only came to me, when everyone else was all grown up and gone
Just leave me alone, don't act like you care
Just let me sit here, breathing Anything but air...

i left the side of your
bed the same ever since you
left and never came back
on the spot where
you used to slumber
it smells of you, a hazy
scent of cigarette smoke and
the cheap cologne you bought
last thursday night
I remember that night
like the tattoo on your chest
which i would outline
as we drank wine
and our vision became blurry
and our words became slurred
and the moon smiled at us
while we smiled back
but you didn’t have to leave
unexpectedly leaving me all
alone with your cheap cologne
the red wine
my vision blurry
my words slurred
the cigarette smoke that still
lingered in the air
and a moon that won’t even
smile back at me

February
Three squeezes.
My mother told me that
Sometimes the words get tired,
Sometimes people get worn out,
So  we can squeeze instead.
Three squeezes, and four in return.
I love you.
Too.
You pretended not to understand,
Too afraid of permanence.

June
Your face was just as familiar
Even three weeks away.
Your warmth my home,
Hand in hand and natural.
Three squeezes.
Four in return.
A gravitational pull,
A nirvana,
A promised land.
You were mine
to hug so tight I might crack a rib.
But that's just how I loved you.
The squeezy type of way.

September
Three squeezes.
Silence.
A reluctant reply,
A command sent from the mind
But not the heart.
The silent book we had written together
No longer lay open on your shelf.
My mother told me that
Sometimes people get tired,
Sometimes people get worn out.
She never told me that sometimes
People get tired of you.

Steal a brace of ostrich, save one for me
The mirror makes his motives known
and reflects large noses on the smelly.
Avoid spiny ramparts,
It's a long way down the wind

Let me explain something to you.

When you look at me
with your soft ocean blue eyes,
and you look into my soul
and you can see all the hurt
and all the lies
that i have been telling myself to get me by

I want to cry. I want you to hold me.

No one else.

And when I give in to that need,
and the hot tears fall into my lap,
I just can't help it.

They just come
when you're near me.

And I don't understand it
i don't understand myself
and i don't understand how i feel about you.

Because when I let those tears fall,

to me, they feel like weakness
that somehow managed to leak out of my eyes
because I'm keeping too many secrets

and the biggest one
is that

I love you
and I want to keep you in my life.

But I don't want to sound selfish

So I make do, never taking the time
to explain to you
that all I wanna do

is let you hold me.

Because this weakness- you turn it into strength.

And, as ****** up as my past is,

you took the time

                                 to learn how to love me.

But I still
can't stand

for you
to see me cry.

naked after a shower


i sit, my knee
pulled my chest


my chin resting there

then, my lips kiss the little mountain peak i have created

brushing against
my soft skin

i reach up, feel the back of my neck

fragile in my fingertips

                      with my other hand
                 i touch the dark red curls

in between my warm legs, covered in soft blonde hair


i am so in love with my body

and my own yogurt
                                scent