Xeara

Xeara Oct 2018

Okay

Okay
One last drink before I go, One last kiss before I leave, One more cut before I die
One more thought before I’m gone, One more hit before I dissipate
We’ve got to be a little braver since yesterday is gone
We’ve got to believe that there is something more for us than this
Within we all know we can not make it alive
But we all still fight like we’re gonna make it out of this hell
We have become confused and unsure of who we really are
We’re so unsure and as humans we’ll all end up dying either way
But the pain we hide inside…
Is way too much for us to bear…
And we’re sick of pretending that everything is going to be okay…
Are you okay…
As it sits, we’re angels that have almost become dead…
Time after time I’ll ask…
Are you okay…
Are you okay…
We can’t sleep…
We can’t fight…
So again and again I ask…
Are you okay...

This poem was written during a time I felt I had no one. But I'm out of that dark space.

Xeara Oct 2018

The One Who Got Away

To the one
who got away
to the one
I never gave a second look
to the one
I bullied
to the one
who loved me
I'm sorry

For the one
who hates me
for the one
who hurt me
for the one
who discredited me
for the one
who forgot me
for the one
who was rude to me
I forgive you

Then there is me
the one who
hurt you
the one who
used you
the one who forgot you
the one who
was rude to you
the one who
discredited you
the one who
I bullied
I'm that one who...
Hurt everyone
and
ruined everything
I'm sorry
I forgive you
but this,
is for the one who got away

Xeara Oct 2018

I am Numbers

I am
a thousand lies
a million moves
a billion mistakes
all rolled into...
A person

I am
ten quick glances
twenty brave steps
thirty fearful looks
forty weak smiles
fifty long sleeves
sixty lies of 'I'm just cold'
seventy heartbreaks (another may end me)
eighty fake smiles
ninety lies of 'I'm fine'

I am
ninety suicide notes
eighty pill bottles
seventy bottles of bleach
sixty attempts on suicide
fifty letters of 'I'm sorry'
fourty cuts upon my wrists
thirty cuts upon my legs
twenty close calls with death
ten reasons for pain
nine mistakes in life
eight reasons why
seven dreams away
six sleepless nights
five unseen jokes
four hated reasons
three secrets bleeding
two days without eating
one more breath
zero more days
I am, numbers

Xeara Oct 2018

Words

All the words
that you'll yelled at me
Empower me
Hide me
Beat me
Use me
But I'm still standing
Trying and failing
Finding my way yet within we've got somewhere to be
But there just words you scream
No there not
It's a battle
We're angels that have fallen from where we once lived
Maybe that's why we want to die is because we want to go back where we belong
They aren't just words...
They never will be
Words
they fill my mind
haunting me
killing me
there just words
there just words

Xeara Oct 2018

She's Gone

The first look
She weakly opened her eyes, it took all her strength
Said she was sorry
Then she was gone

I had tears streaming down my face
Crying like a two year old
Over something I couldn't change
She's gone
They blankly stated facts as if they'd already...
Been left...
Emotionless...
I hadn't...

She's gone
I whispered
As they hugged me
It's okay we're gonna be alright
We promise...

Promises aren't forever
So easily broken
You promised, remember?
I'm not okay
Not then and no now
She's gone
I still whisper at night into the darkness that scares me...
She's gone...
She's gone...

Xeara Oct 2018

Recited Lines

A line
A curve
A street
A glance...
And I'm gone

I know these streets
Like the back of my hand
Yet somehow, I'm lost
I've recited the these lines
I've got this

But even though there recited lines
I'm lost in the darkness
Recited lines

Xeara Oct 2018

Remember?

Remember when we were five?
our first kiss
God, we had no idea what we were doing then
it's kind of funny now

Remember when we were seven?
I had "cooties"
you never wanted to be around me
even though we were best friends

Remember when we were nine?
you had a huge crush on her
every guy did and who could blame them?
it's all they knew

Remember when we were eleven?
you held my hand
but it wasn't meant
I watched you kiss her
yet I never told anyone
I keep my head down now
I'd rather not be hurt like that again

Remember when you turned sixteen?
you had a girlfriend
you two were perfect, happy and smiling
but I guess you missed me
because you followed in my footsteps
and now you're dead
but Mom, I have one question
Do you remember what colour our eyes are?