Why do we believe?

We don't know.
We have no proof.
We just believe
Because belief begets reward.

History is lost.
Lives are destroyed.
But we call it a victory
Because there's more of them dead.

If you say you believe
Then why do you uproot?
They believe too.
Just a different version.

Why believe
If belief begets conflict?

So I don't.

Let's get one thing straight.
I'm not an organized person.
Which is why it's there.
A calendar that reads January.
There's 4 days left of July.
I think I'll leave it.
A memento.
Of the beginning.
This year or the next phase of life.
But time is running out.
It'll be gone soon.
At least come next year.
And then it will be the end.
Of January in July.

I don't know.
Should I?
Maybe.

Fear is powerful.
Experience is too.
Both say no.

But there is always hope.
Hope fuels progress.
Hope says yes.

It's two to one.
I trust the two more anyway.
But still,

Should I?

Do I know?
Know what?
Myself?
My friends?
Who I am?

I don't know.

Do they know?
Understand?
Pity me?
Praise me?
Know me?

I hope not.

What do I feel?
How much do I feel?
Am I broken?
Am I whole?
Am I even still here?

I can only hope to know.

Tick tock
Tick tock
Don't let
The clock stop.

Ding ****
Ding ****
Time's up
You don't have long.

**** ****
**** ****
The church bells toll
They play YOUR song.

Breath sigh
Breath sigh
Someday soon
We all will die.

Why am I still awake?
Cause I'm paranoid.
I have to be awake in 5-6 hours.
Normal amount of sleep.
Why am I writing?
And why on HePo?
Am I bored?
I should sleep.
I might make this a series.
No. Don't bother.
People won't want to read this.
People don't typically like me.
They sure as hell don't get me.
How can they?
I don't even understand,
Sometimes,
My own thoughts.
And since the a/c just cut off
The world got deafeningly quiet.
Painfully so.
I hate the quiet.
They start screaming.
They don't like to talk.
They just yell.
Make noise.
I'll have to ignore them.
Likely.
Likely likely likely.
I qualify for almost everything.
Except for substance.
But no one knows.
They can't see the symptoms.
I've gotten good at hiding them.
Good at pushing others away.
I've had a couple years to practice.
I should get something to drink.
Water maybe.
I don't want to wake them though.
Maybe they won't.
And it's a legitimate excuse.
They won't really care.
I should be listening to music.
Why wasn't I?
Did I really not think of it?
Did I forget?
Why did I only just notice this?
Doesn't matter.
I'll be asleep soon.
I won't want the music.

Sanity is relative.
It depends on who has who
Locked in what cage.

And it's that relativity
That keeps us alive.

Well. Most of us.

People try to understand.
But they aren't wired the same.

They're wired to accept.
Not the "crazies."
We see past.

Past the veil which you can't see.
Into the void of curiosity.

And we find the answers.

If only I had a chance.
To do something meaningful.
To save a life
Or inspire greatness.

But I'm not that kind of person.

I'm not ambitious enough
To do something meaningful.
To make a difference.
To have the world remember
Not me, but what I did.

I'm not helpful enough
To save a life.
The world is too full anyway.
I'd never make enough sense
To even save anyone.

I'm not good enough
To inspire greatness.
I'm not a good person.
And I hate public view
So I don't think about standing up.

I'm not that person.

I haven't been since lower school.
When I still dreamed big.
When I still loved wonder.
When I was afraid of storms
And the boogeyman lived close by.

That person no longer exists.
If only I could go back
To make sure that person lived.
But by doing that
I'd erase me. And everything I am.

I don't want to sleep
But I'd rather not be awake.

I'm too tired to care
But I'm not tired out.

You could say I'm confused
But it isn't truth or lie.

I'm not happy or sad,
No anger or peace.

Maybe it's a hole.
Maybe it's Everest.

It might be a brick wall
Or even a tailwind.

But one thing it is,
The one thing it can never change.

It's empty.

Sitting and standing apart.
"Join us!" But they do not know.
I'm happier here.
Away from it all.

I'm used to it.

"Are you okay?"
"Is something wrong?"
Deflected so much
They no longer ask.

I've learned to cope.

"You look so lonely."
Don't worry, I'm fine.
I'm used to it now.
I've learned to cope.

I chose this for myself.

I live in a place
From which no one can return.
But who ever willingly comes?

No history of abuse.
No bad family life.
So what happened?

I could not tell you.
How would I?
I do not even know.

It's funny though.
They search for symptoms
But I don't show.

I've fought for so long
I learned how to cope.
Maybe even too well.

Is that it?
The big secret?
Be happy.
Be friendly.
But why should I be fake?

Society celebrates inclusion.
But it burns progress at the stake
Like a witch that has to die.

"Don't worry.
Be happy. "
But why?
Why should I?
I'm not.



So I won't.

Ingested or injected
But that's not what it is.
Leaching, diffusing
Corrupting what is.

It's in the air,
It's in the water,
It's in the soil 'neath our feet.
It's in our blood,
It's in our bones,
It's in the food we love to eat.

Though we can't see it
It's always there.
Hunting, preying
On the unaware.

The curse of the humans.
A curse that will last
Until the last human is dead.
So many of us seek
But so few see.
Immortality is no gift.
No boon or saving grace.
It is a curse.
And we cursed ourselves
By trying to take it.

The first humans ran from it.
They made fire
And found lights
So they could keep it away.

And now we run towards it.
Turning off lights
And cloaking ourselves
With shadows, so we can hide in it.

And so it ends.
The success, the thrill
The pure unbridled power.
The feasts and the parties,
The business supreme,
The darkness behind the scenes.

And so it ends.
The emptiness, the pale,
Half dead from rain and hail.
The empty hands
Finally making peace with the end.

And so it ends.
There is no escape.
There's no way to run.
And yet when she comes
We do not accept.

And so it ends.