I have heard your Name
all of my life,
sometimes through open palms,
sometimes through clenched fists.
I listened
until my prayers sounded
more like fear than worship,
I listened
until when I bowed my head
it looked as if I was flinching,
is this what You wanted for Your children?
And so I grew,
my tongue becoming a sponge
wringing out praises
that washed my face
but never cleansed my sins
because they were only words
and I have since learned
that You hear me in a language
my tongue was never fit to speak.
I was a fool
who believed You were her Psalms
sung over yesterday’s blasphemy,
who believed You were his Sunday’s best
covering last weeks adultery,
a fool who believed a Rosary
was nothing more than an accessory.
And so I grew, and gradually we stopped speaking
I filled the the silence with anything I could reach for
I filled my bed with different men
and knelt before them
for too many years
convincing myself they were searching for my soul
with their hands on my skin
but by morning those twisted sheets
only filled me with knots.
I filled my arms with junk
until my veins were swollen.
I followed my track marks
thinking they were leading me to heaven.
I was a hunter
whose hunger never stopped
until the day I shot myself down and
I sunk beneath my body.
I thought it was luck
that woke me up,
and I wondered where the hell You had been
where was my white light, my angel, my saving Grace?
And so I grew, seeing my angel came
through the body of a man
who pounded on my chest
and breathed his life into me
until my lungs opened like the gates of Heaven
and he said I let out a noise that sounded like a demon
but I started to have the feeling it was Mercy.
And so I grew, walking down a different Road
crying how there were too many cracks on this path
never realizing it was Your bones
that I felt breaking beneath me
and when my feet were dragging
that was just me fighting to walk on my own
when You refused to stop carrying me.
And so I grew, not knowing Your Name
but crying out for You
in language not fit for this world.