Dear Adam,
We have gone from seeing each other every day to not seeing each other for months. From only being 20 miles away from you to being 1,570 miles away from you. From sleeping next to you pretty much every night to sleeping next to an empty space, always waiting for you. From being each others best friend to being each others biggest enemy.
We have been through it all, together.

We've gone through stages of pure bliss. Where seeing you all day everyday isn't enough. Where I can't kiss you enough or show my appreciation to you enough. To going through stages of constant fighting. Where everything you say or do is wrong.
We have gone through it all, together.

We have survived you leaving. Those 8 long weeks of only being able to write while you were at basic. We have survived through countless arguments. We have survived the heartache of missing someone so much for so long. We have survived all the bad memories from my past and all of my anxiety attacks. We have survived through my stages of depression. Where I can barely get myself to get up and get out of bed.
We have survived it all, together.

I know that I am not perfect and that neither are you. But I believe that together, everything is perfectly imperfect. I believe that together we can make it through anything that life decides to throw our way. I believe that together we are stronger than anything else in this world. I believe in us.
Because together, we are perfect.

Our last few days were filled with so much bliss
But now I sit here just wishing for one more kiss
You packed your things and walked away
Only turning back to tell me to stay

Now you are there and I am here
I’m all alone and drowning in fear
But every time I try to talk
People just sit there and gawk

How can she be so selfish they ask
She doesn’t have to fulfill such a big task
“What about him” they all agree
But no one seems to bother to ask what about me

You left everything behind
After that contract was signed
Now you do what they say
Knowing they won’t lead you astray

You paid a huge price
Just to try and give us a better life
All people see
Are the sacrifices you made for me

“What about him” they all agree
And again everyone forgets... what about me

I gave you my heart
But that was just the start
I gave you my all
I told you I was in it for the long haul

But now I am all alone
Only able to talk to you through the phone
I try my best to make things easy for us
Trying not to make a big fuss

But I am expected to do whatever you say
Like there is no other way
And I am supposed to blindly follow every decision you make
No matter what is at stake
They all want you to be happy
Without me getting snappy
They look at me like I hold you back
Or like I am going to throw your whole life off track

I just want to do what is best
And forget all of the rest
But I get no say
So it doesn’t matter anyway

I’m stuck here
Feeling broken and insecure
Just trying to be ok
So that everyone else can go on with their day

“What about him” they all agree
But this time I ask

“What about me?”

You touched me when I didn’t want you to
And I was so young I didn’t know what to do
It was your own personal game
Even though it filled me with shame
I let it go on, maybe for a little too long
Until I started to feel like I didn’t belong
I shut myself out from the world
And sat alone while my thoughts whirled
Through my head, until I couldn’t stand
To look at myself without feeling like I was under your command

That was when everything started to go downhill
And I began to start losing my will
With all the emotions pulling me apart
I could feel them begin to break my heart
I could feel myself starting to drown in pain
And it made me go insane

Why did I feel so much guilt?
It was making my self-confidence wilt
Why did I feel so sad?
Maybe because he was always like my second dad
Why did I feel so insecure?
Maybe because of what I had to endure
Why did I feel so alone?
Maybe because no one else had known
Why did I feel so angry?
After all, I was finally free

Or so I thought at least
But instead, it was like the pain just increased
And I was back to square one
Which was thinking about what he had done
And asking myself why
I mean for years we all thought he was a good guy

Then came the nightmares
And nothing else compares
To the way they made me feel
Because it was always so surreal
Like I was reliving the day
When all I wanted was for it to go away

Why won’t the pain go away?
But instead, it decides to stay
I mean what did I do
To deserve what you put me through?

Maybe I will never know
But I do know that I will grow
Through everything you did
Because god forbid
I let another day go by
Of me sitting in my room trying not to cry
Because I am done
Letting myself feel like you won

“What’s wrong?”

What’s wrong is that I can feel myself slipping
Into that deep, dark place again.
I want to tell someone
So I don’t have to face it alone,
But I feel like I am just wasting their time.
I am starting to feel hatred towards myself,
And I can’t even look at my own reflection anymore.
I feel as if I am on an emotional rollercoaster.
One minute I am happy, then sad, then mad
Until now because I just feel numb.
I am exhausted,
And it is the kind of exhaustion that not even sleep can fix.
I am tired of trying.
I am tired of life.

“Nothing I’m fine, just tired I guess”