I’ve never stood naked
In the wind
But I think
That I know
How it’d feel

Like wet grass between my toes
Like running home in a rainstorm
Like diving
Laughing
Into a lake
In the middle of the night

I’ve always known
That freedom is cold
Like bare feet
In the snow

Dangerous too
Like a heart
Beating, beating, beating
Away

But so pleasant
So good
An itch in the back of your throat
A feeling beneath your skin
A need
We may never fulfill
To scream
I’m free
I’m free
I’m free

You can hardly be blamed
I knew where this ship was sailing
Before I climbed aboard

I wasn’t afraid of death
When I saw the fiery crash
At the end of the road
I marched on like a soldier
Like a sheep in a flock
While one thousand shepherds
Shouted for me to stop

I heard their warnings
And I saw the truth
But I danced on to the whispers of wolves
Until the shouts became one
With the dust
In the wind

Then I let you pluck me
Like a pretty flower
And put me in a vase
And when you remembered to water me
I smiled, and whispered
What a wonderful man
To keep me alive

Today I saw a train
Something I see
Not much at all
So hard to watch the wheels
With a face pressed
Against the wall

Today I had a thought
One I think
nearly every day
While I was staring at that train  
I thought
That I might go away

Like in a dream
I’d walk the aisles
Like in a dream
I would be free
Beneath the wheels
And in the sky
They wouldn’t think
To search for me

But because I know
It’s not my time
I turn away
From the track
Because when I step aboard that train
I know that I
Will not come back

I’ve been bleeding
Water
For such a long time
Just a drop at a time
One drop doesn’t hurt
Like a leaky faucet
Whispering

Drip, drip, drip

Such a soft, sweet noise
But like a bottle breaking
In this empty room

Every hit
Fell like water
From the cracks in my arms
Every scratch
Every kick
Every scream
Every look
So much love
So much hate
Drip, drip, dripping
Into pools at my feet
Until I was bleeding water
Just a drop at a time
From one thousand wounds
And the sound became a roar
Like an ocean
I could drown in
A raging river
I could swim
But I fell into that noise
And all the drops
Became a din
Until my head was under water
And the world
Turned purple-blue
And the quiet
At last prevailed

Until the drops
Began anew

If it mattered now
I’d let it be
Instead of screaming
To set my people free
I’d leave them chained
Inside my chest
And forget those things
That I know best
Forget about any pain
Because torture can be
Fair and plain
When it’s the only spice
You’ve ever known
I would bag it up
I would take it home
Because freedom tastes
Too much, too sweet
And when this rug is torn
From beneath my feet
I fear I won’t
Rise when I fall
When lose this bliss
I lose it all

It all started
In the second grade
You see
The second grade
So long
You ask
How could that be?
How could you go on
So long
So long
How could I not see?
While you saw
Only
what I wanted
You to see
And I only wanted
You

To be happy

So I let you fall in love
with a mirage of me

You see
Now
A monster
A monster
I’ve always seen
That same old monster
That I’ve always been
Since I was a child
Yes
While I was a teen
When I was ten
Nine
Eight
Seven
Six

Since I was born
Since I was made
Since this all started
In the second grade

The rain
Falls gentle
Through the cracks in the window
Against the wind
That will send
My cold bones to sway
I call on the quiet
To answer the phone
Shove the bills to corner  
I might sleep through the day

Hunger is friendly
When money is sparse
And sleep is a lover
When friendship is cruel
Work to be done
Bills to be paid
Sleep rushes in  
I’m set adrift on its wave

A field full of flowers
Calls from the corner
Stares I can’t see
When my eyes close at last
Not a hunger here
No deadlines to fear
I lay my head in the grass
And the world is pure

God
God
God
They've taken my voice
Or I gave it away
Was there ever a choice?
Did I decide one cold night
To sell my tongue
For the heat
Of a place by the fire
That coveted seat

I stand in the back
Wrap my hands around my neck
Feel the blood beneath my fingers
And watch the ship wreck

Never a scream
Never a sound
I am buried in silence
And kept safe
underground

This joy is so fleeting
This feeling so passing
All I can do is wonder  
Wonder without asking

Because the world has no input
On the strength of my hate
On the hours spent mourning
Too happy a fate

When my hands struggle to stifle
A mouth that won’t stop saying no
When my brain calls for action
But my body won’t go

Until that joy burrows once more
Like a parasite under my skin
A foreign treasure
Stolen again

Then my mouth moves too fast
To answer its calls
And my hands are kept busy
Tearing down walls

To be built and rebuilt
By an enemy brain
Until I wonder once more
If I’m going insane

But I cannot ask
About these things I can’t tell
So I imprison in poems
What I dream I could yell

We dance in a garden
Violets bloom from my eyes
And I pluck at the *****-pink
Tears that she cries

Soft skin
Just like petals
Fallen against winter snow
Wilting like daisies
Against the green grass below

I hold a rose to my cheek
Ripe for the pluck
Crushed tight in a palm
Where the lightning once struck

But the storm has passed
Now we’re swaying again
Eyes closed to the garden
Painted across our skin

It’s not been long since I was a child
Not so long since it was okay
To dream of the impossible
Until childhood’s swept away

Once I dreamt of magic
And saw Broadway in your eyes
I thought we’d dream forever
Now I search for paler skies

You call me indecisive
Because I can’t choose what to do
But in reality I chose long ago
To chase a dream that won’t come true

Still when you are dancing
I see you close your eyes
And I know that in the dark awaits
A dream that never dies

Falling
For you
Is like falling
To sleep
You're the sun on my skin
The last peace that I keep

I was born for your arms
Born for this rest
No research, no doubt
You're the end to my quest

Undeterred by the morning
When you withdraw like the ocean
Away from my shore
Because I know with each parting
We will meet once more

When night falls at last
I fall into you
Content in the knowledge
That those who sleep without passion
Do not sleep like we do

I bind my eyes to the paper
And settle into your skin
I gather up your soul
And let the journey begin

I fall into that fever
That I’ve heard about before
But only in your pages
Always crying out for more  

Our fingers intertwine
Until we’re one down to the bone
And I dance in your shoes
Until I breathe your breaths alone

Beneath the power of your fate
I wander through your vale
But the colors of your cosmos
Render my own world much too pale

I fall in love with every story
Live every life that they might lend
But to my own I must return
Because the stories always end

For every person there is a moment
When all that has ever been
Ceases to be
When all that you have seen
You know you’ll never again see

I will call it a beginning
Because it hurts too much to end
And a beginning bears the hope
That these torn edges might just mend

We are born to face our moments
And like soldiers march ever toward
That inevitability before us
That all consuming sword

From a distance the moment rises
And sings a siren’s song
We gasp at the beauty
Of that moment we’ve sought after so long

When it ends we still march forward
But those who look back are struck to see
The path we’ve always walked
Now ceases to be

I was running
Running
Running
I ran strait to the sea
Inside a dream
I thought
I saw
A path just right for me

For a time
I don’t remember when
But at that time it seemed I knew
For a slice of eternity
I knew just what to do

I am a cactus in the dead of winter
A lemon tree in Washington State
An existence fragile as parchment paper
Falling into the seat two seconds late

Just a millimeter above the water
A degree above the freeze
Pretty words
On ugly paper
That no one ever reads

I was born in the ocean
Eternally free
And on occasion the waves
Set my soul out to sea

I was born in the ocean
And were it my will
I could swim forever away
And be traveling still

But my part of the ocean
Is a beautiful blue
With an undertow that tugs me
Forever toward you

I was born in the ocean
But I will never be free
Because I love this small puddle
More than any great sea

Early beginnings
Too long we refrain
Hiding sharp truths
Beneath our nails
Coming clean in the rain

Sour words breach my peace
While we stand under the drain
Picking bugs from the gutter
Praying they might
See past our insane

The doors open wide
And up, and up we climb
What's happened and what will
Is forgotten for a time

We drift on through purgatory
Your shoulder on mine
We doze off to a world
Where we are just fine

We sleep for some hours
The driver moves slow
Falling asleep on the bus
With miles to go

I remember you
When you fell and scraped your knee 
When you sat in the sand and cried 
And I just sat beside you quietly
Because you had the saddest face
That I had ever seen
 
I remember you
Back then your hair was long and black
And mine was short
Sliced strait above the gum you had stuck in it 
 
Now your hair is short, and blue as the sea
And your parents hate it
But it's still just as beautiful to me
 
I remember you 
When you said we'd be cute together 
And I thought so too 
But that didn't stop me from saying "ew"
Because I was afraid you'd say it first 
 
I remember you 
Whispering ghost stories 
Under the willow tree 
And talking about the people
Who we wished that we could be 
 
I remember you
When you found us a group to stand with
And a place to eat our food
When you took me by the hand
And whispered
"Don't ruin it" 
 
I remember you
When you asked if I was lonely 
When you told me to hide what I was
Because the the other kids 
Would only disown me 
But you wouldn't 
 
 I remember you 
You were the tallest tree 
We both knew that you would grow 
So far beyond me
 
I was a raging fire. 
You kept me alive for a while
But inevitably I burned your roots
And we both knew 
 
Your face was sad again
Our conversation dwindled and drifted away
 
I knew you 
Better than I knew myself 
But I don't anymore 
 
Sometimes I see you on the street
We brush shoulders
But I can’t quite meet your eyes

I don’t remember
Where it was you used to live
Or the color of your curtains
Or the advice you used to give
 
It’s been years 
Since I last thought of you
Since I last obsessed
About all the things we might have done
The things I should have, would have, could have said
Time has washed my regrets away
Still, when I see pictures of us together
I would be lying not to say
I’ve missed you

A cracking mind's
Most perfect find
Clawing upwards
Through the brine

A walking dream
An almost rhyme
Closest to
That fixed shrine

Above all else
Shining down
Too steep to see
Never quite found

Never to reach
With climbing vines
An asymptote
Rising blind

A formless desire
A pathless road
Bowed before
An empty throne

A need so strong
A drowning wave
Bleeding water
Strait passed the grave

My greatest work
My longest fall
Almost perfect
Not perfect all

New freckles
Form constellations
Across my pale arms
Coffee stained
Pressure points
Tiny alarms

My head
Tangles in the branches
Of an old tree
That was once strong enough
To bear all the weight of me

Now I bear it alone

In a second
In a second
In a second
In a second
I will leave you
But never because I want to
Only because there is a world outside
A world where delusions like you
Might crash and collide
With me
Somewhat surprisingly
The real life version
Of an alias without a secret identity

Oh, but my sweet delusion
The ships get lost in your eyes
In your stormy seas
And albeit somewhat hesitantly
I won't let myself be lost

You will never read this
You will never know
About the late night poems
About the places I go

I will delete my history
I will use a fake name
I will bury my feelings
I will bury my shame

I cannot tell you how
I became this way
I know only the fear that compels me
The fear I obey

And I know I am broken
But I still have every part
I have a brain
And I have a heart

And I know I love you
Although that, I will never say
And I might never make up for
All the gratitude I fail to convey

So I will write it in a poem
One that you will never see
Then I will hide my love away
Then I will set you free

I don’t remember being born
There was screaming, I suppose
And I have the documents to prove
That I existed on that day
In that specific place
With this specific name
There were three people in the room
Some papers were signed
Some papers that would matter
For the rest of my life

A sequence of numbers
Told me where I would stand
An identity was folded
Into an infant's hand

I never asked to be born
It wasn’t my fault
But with birth comes borders
An invisible box
Where I must always stay
And never hope to break away
Because all that I would be
Was determined on that day

We walk on ice
We run on ground
Our soles
Worn thin
We pound
We pound

I dream of a hand saw
Slipping past my skin
I pull out the muscle
Before the pains begin

A constant ache
The kind we ignore
Just dream of sleep
And sleep
For more

I first glimpsed death
In a hospital bed
His eyes were blue
But his hands were red

He wore the bleak expression
Of a dying man
He began to speak
But first, I ran

We met once more
On a mountain pass
Where he handed me
A broken glass

I asked him
What the glass was for
But even he
Wasn’t sure

Death visited again
Late last night
And he held my hand
Up to the light

He leaned in close
So only I could hear
And he asked
“What is it that you fear?”

“You”
I replied
Decisively
“More than anything else,
You terrify me”

“Me?
He frowned
down at his shoes
“You know,
I only bear the news”

Again
Death asked
“What do you fear?”
I stared
“Do you truly
Want to hear?”

So I thought up the best answer
I could compose
“I fear the monsters
That live in your shadows”

I searched his expression
Looking for some clue
Finally he whispered
“I fear them too”

We've spent up the time
Our wallets forsaken
Credit cards cut
Into shreds on the floor
Put back the champagne
Our IDs have been taken
Time has come
That we leave the store

With everything done
Everyone gone
We pull out our own personal scales
We clutter them full of our moments
And value our losses
Against which
The good often fails

But some nights
In our houses
Our scales revived
We sit before screens
And we press rewind
We search, and search
Until we find
A second of love
Peace of mind

We distill those sweet seconds
Into sugar wine
We carry it with us
To drink past the time
We remember, remember
So sweet on the the tongue
The good old days
When we were young

We wrap the fermenter in a blanket
And tuck it into bed
We watch as fermented dreams
Float through his little head
Then we siphon into still,
Careful not to spill
And raise our glasses to the sky

We drink the chemicals
That the fermenter does yield
And with each passing sip
Our fates are sealed

We drink
We drink although we have been told
That the plum tree
Which grows too much fruit
Is fated only to fold

We drink
We drink because we know
That the honorable hunter
Does not **** with his bow

We drink
And drink until we can see
A future in which
We are free

Free to live the lives
That we wish to pursue
Free to sleep through the night
And free to brew