it's a ''jag''ged }
_  irony
how m _ u _  ch
i feel the
}~gouge
punch》》
~~ peel.
[        ]
of a love
you never
felt
in
 the.   << least

The eternity of moments...waiting
mo...ments.....
does she know what I
meant?...well it means everything,.. but
that's too much...If only I could have
stopped
...my silly heart overtakes my head
and my hands,... just keep
writing....it...
down.  Keep spilling...my words and
soul,,, turned inside out//exposed///
Howmuch- howgood-howunique...to feel a
kindred...heart...
SPlattER...my silly heart all
over the page and ...handing.it.over.
a coffee mug stain
of shameless/vulnerable/bold/
Really,...and now
we know
just ill advised... because,...everyone
knows,...
truth/passion/romance
died
long ago... and all of the words... are just too
much,...
too, too, too
much

w/your hands in my hair
who could care
if Venus is on the wrong
side of the moon
{{can't blame us; we are all}}
trying to get closer to you

hand-in-hand-in-hand

we fit so nicely on your hip
i wish i could have
met your mom
let's get in my  car
& not look back
we don't have to call it; love

hand-in-hand-in-hand

when kissing = breathing
¿how can i stop
stare at my beer
while i drink in those
hazel eyes
so happily-happy
suffocating
on the feeling

Can't tell you why I'm up
...exhausted in sleep.
It could be the suffocating heat
the beers I had to drink.
...but you said you'd call...
and I'm thinking of all the reasons I made up
in/my/head,...that I haven't heard
from you in 14 days/2weeks/336 hours...
When we shared so Many Words
{And it meant so much
And I want you so much}
...and you are still spinning prose,...so I know
You are up....
I've waited...to hear from you
...and now I know why I'm up.

I just want to love you
...I've decided.
And it's not what/you're/expecting
It's not what you've.come.to.know.
You see,....as I walked with the stars
tonight;
It occurred to me....
....What most call 'love' isn't so...at all...
What most call love...
Is merely a loan....

They give their 'love'
But if not returned...(it is expected to be returned{and often with interest})
Well,...there is disappointment/resentment/even the///antonym...{howdaresheafteralltheloveI've....}
That kind of 'love' is merely a bar//gain...
That kind is a ne-go-ti-at-tion of give/and/ receive...that.is.a.......loan...
That is Banking 101.

I'm not going to loan you.

I've decided {iamhelplesstoresist} to love you...
...I am in love with you...
And who doesn't love being in love...?
I mean,...I'm elated
I could burst just thinking your name
I am grinning like a fool [when I think of things I want to tell you]
And my step is lighter>And my heart is fuller> And my laugh is quicker>and the world is a warmer place....
...Like this...
And I am grateful.
...and I need nothing from ...you
You never have to even... know...
I just get to selfishly enjoy loving you  {eyes,mouth,voice,words}
On
My
Own

So,..I've decided to. l o v e. you
.....And I'm so h/a/p/p/y.

_ e _ asier _
saidthandone
>>trYing to
s
   L
      o    wwww
down/this/love
when ' '' '' min' '' '"utes
trip-me-up
& words
aren't
eno{ugh}
#justsuckitup;
it's-not-as-if
there
is.­ A. choice.

this emp _ ti _ ness
[since you left]
can't
connect-the dots;
whatever.
comes. next
& i can't care
or even try
cuz **** if
i know
[₩hat even
matters]
what's even
>>>>>right
stuck-so-still
inyoursmile
| stalled | in your voice//
¡it wasn't my choice¡
& so
i just
       ~   float

ahhhhh
just the l e t t e r s
of. your. name.
{in my head}
i get so
》ahead of 《《 myself
no _ thing can be the
same
it's so uncool
& yet
i'm so sure
#stars
i see
[justlikeme]
are han     ing
               g
^up ^there^
hoping to get >>closer<<
to
__ you

I'm sorry my, dear
But you
just
aren't
Her
...I could only give you what's left of my
heart
...Now,...; isn't that a
lo(n)vely
Start...

My regrets, sweetheart..
You look so pretty in that dress,
As I watch you undress...
...and you fit the space in my bed so
Nicely;
...a reprieve from its emptiness.

My apologies, my girl;
I know you want to love me through
tomorrow;
but-that's-just/not/fair.

I feel badly, my darling...
...It's not/your/fault.
She's seeped in my teeth
and nothing tastes.the.same.
...since she's gone...

I'll tell you, beautiful one,
Thank you, for how you
Hold me.
...It's nice here...
But I
just
can't
...stay.
Since September;,...everything
changed.

i'm ch _ o _ ck  _ ing
^On ^It
the glass
lodged. in. my. chest.
you / need / some
' '' '''  time
you're not | ready |
For.
This.
yetmydarlingdearestlove
>ask >ing
this to
#stop
is like [[holding onto]] eels;
& trying to find brakes
is like trying ~to ~chew  ~steel;
& i know you mean
the best sweetheart
& i-know-that-time
₩ill  tell
but the be(   space   )tween
the }now{  & then
    is
simp    ly
£iving
h€ll

it. doesn't. [really ever] pay.
to - be - so - sentimental;
the ~curve ~of ~your
mouth
howyousayeachvowel
₩ell,...
i sup _ pose only i
might//know//
{it is what it is}
i can Want What i Want
& you can say
<What you Will>
>>close<< your eyes
rest _  your _ lips
^^ in ^my ^kiss^^
tomorrows =
@faded
juststaywithme
,...*now

the' min'utes' be\tween
every-minute-with-you
are e. _  ver _  lo .     ng
you ^ra^di^ate
some. kind. of.
°magic°
when /holding/your/hand
isn't
just,.....;
it'severy*single*thing
my<undivided>joy
#touching
= breathing through
my whole 》body
<not just my shoulders>
&afterthesemoments;
time is _ br>o _ >ken
ea'ch ' tick ' of ' the 'clock'
is. not. the. same.
[&me;]
for | ever | chang_ ed
how the minutes@thereafter
}without{
you
linger
some. kind. of.
torture;
too __< long
¿when will we touch
again¿

st | u |ck in rearviews
~what ~could ~have ~been
...sa...[buried]...nd...
istilltasteyou{r}
hand-in-mine
i hear you{r}
smile
on. my. lips.
>driv>ing> 14> h> ours>
to _ share _ an _ afternoon
/gone/ too/ soon/
ifanyoneisasking
& you don't

i re __ ally
havebeentrying
you. know.
>> letting> it >go
is just a bit(e) more
than
| starving |
ch\ok\ing
'br''eak/ing
~~peel~~in~g

You can't...really blame her;...it was fall
and,...so...she fell...Tripping along through
Clementine and Nin.,,,the sweet seduction
of...this stanza,...these words//yes,..{yes}
I feel it, too/two/to...
Stumbling...through...the
wanting ...to.hear.her.voice,,..//shared//..,,heart
breaking;...with Ray and soaring with Zoe,...taking the
leap..,,///
~There aren't many out
there who care so much about words~...she
so s.t.u.ck. in my head...crash to my knees,...
the{oh ****}landing//that h u r t s
...but the rush,..the way down....the
weightlessness,...short eternal
flight.  Soaring// through space;
...bird
...heart beat.
Counting
time,... it's everything,..and it's everything..to have
a falling heart is to have...
everything...
Every
Thing.

let's go back.  to.  the. start.
Texts-and-Snaps
late-night-talks

can\we\start\over,..?
re­read Clementine
andcrytogether,...

how about a re//do?
Before;...I overusedmyverbs
and you would\n't hear. me. anymore.

I could turn-down-the-noise
...to a suit/ab/le level
for us to continue
...ex》ploring each》 other

I want {you} to be back
whenall_ I couldhopefor
...was. your. lipPsSsss
awake\every\night
...with °thou°ghts° of. your. kiss.

Before my s/t/u/p/i/d
₩,...romanTIC...°°mind
Caved>> every//thing//in

But,..then;.... a_gain,...

maybewewereneverreally
meant;... to be
...JUst,... friends

how >you >love
totiemeIN~ knots
get ^me ^hop^^^ing^
and CUT-ME-OFF
i grew you daffodils
&you;; favorite rose
what's. in. it. for. you.
¡what¡
¿could you want¿
《pull 《me 《 in
shove. me. out.
having me {be sure}
i'm crazy
So C _;oLD
if you are try"ing"""
to make me hate you
it's >[[>[>>working
or ~~maybe, you sense
i love you
most/when/you/say
No
{whoknows}

"****** my trigger
blame my gun"
And who knew...you... would have such an... effect
on/in me.
I see you had no intention...nor did
I...but...still
Dumb luck.
We had so much to say/mean/connect/upon
...and all/of/a/sudden
it was all I ever wanted...before
I knew what
I wanted..
And... that's how loving seems to go...
Chasing our ghosts,...while another chases us with
prose...
Each deciphering the can-not-haves///
from different ends of the... barrel.
And I have only sadness and longing
and joy....
For what you struck.in.me....
Because,... I know that my aim is
true...
...but my gun is too
weak.
And,... my darling, darling girl,...
I've been there,...
too.

What¿ do you think¿
my dear
do I need to let. this. go.
Please;tell me,...
once _ .   again,...
i'm a slow learner.

stuck to your ghost
{i keep running from}
can't go to you
& i can't. stay. put.
it's like a revolver
One. More. Click.
& i'm __ done

if /there /were /a /way
to. just. shut. you. off.
if; i 》could 》find
any{anyone}thing else
in _ stead _ of _ being _ your _ mark

be < cause > maybe a kiss
meansnothing
》until the 》moment
{you pull the trigger}
& itmeansitall
you're a bullet. to. my. brain.
you're {the shot through}
my; heart

it's sup _ pos _ ed to be
a | memory |
《Left《 behind
yet i'm riding shotgun
with. a. stranger.
only ^to ^see
McGarthy Jewelry Sign
<<gold//green//gold//green>>
glowing 2nd avenue
inevernoticedtheway
* it's * lit * up *
they-have-such-pretty-things
{& you}
&rings;
i wonder what i could choose
~for ~you
[[silly me]]
alliholdnow
is _ your _ name

there's-really-nothing
quite\like\
second chances
To fill. you. uP.
fellforthegirl in love
with-some-one-else
N <Ow>Doesn't that just say
it.      all
& this adoration
icarryinmypockets
has ~never ~done ~me
much good
but _ then _ again
allireallywanted
was; you

it was your
{birth}
Day
of course you were on. my. mind.
HaRD to for//get
YoU

I h op e you had the
Sun
onyourface
cold Duvel in-your-fist
friends all a round
Mariah sing _ ing
》》FuLL BL,.....aaaa...ssssTTT

I h op e the air smelled like
Wet leaves&pin;;&the; subtle brine
Of your be _ love _ d harbor

I h op e your toeswereinthesand
& the waves¡ were¡ crashing¡¡ merrily¡¡
atyourfeet
writing your name/swigging whiskey/ dancing. with. the. breeze.
... as you ...
watched the sun
                            set,
hearing >the >hues >
orangeandred,orang&red;,orange/red

I h op e you _ let _ loose _ the
tied-up-ends in your heart
forgot/about/your/hurt
if. only. for. a. heartbeat. (ormore)
& yourealizedthebeauty
the l.  U. C. k.
of the world
that~ you ~ were ~ born

I h op e you fel{l}t so high
you. forgot. the. ground.
in those moments
you filled-your-lungs with air
&recalled; the beauty
and ^ the ^ grace
that are all
yoUrs,...

..I wish all. of. these. things.
for;... you
on your
day{birth}

it\doesn't\take\
@ genius
to know
you're. doing. it. wrong.
spendingyournights
swear _ ing; swearing _ ing; swear
ing

this life is too.     ~ long ~

shiPwreCKed
&   all.    stretched.     out
hands | gone |   hol. low
mouth\ just\ a \ gap
&lips; and lips&lips;
still sting from the sliver
{of her kiss}
teeter on the° tip° of° it°

what. Ever. is.    left  

it'sthewreck
in your: chest
= some mess of ribs
&the; bits of spine
{not enough to}
stand up. 》               Fine;

   ....   you.   stay.   still.  

what's ¿one ¿more night
On the <cool> kitchen Floor
#everything in reach
allthethingsyouneed
none of this is €asy//

ju _ st-keep-on
          < >  breath <  > ing <  >

how does she¿
seem to know
the moment I'm letting
Go;
She reaches for me
again
>>>****** in>>>
drowning in
hazel eyes
& pale skin
This hell i'm in;
she won't have me forward
only let's us
begin

I can't see the sunset
without her
My eyes blink open
to her name
& yet
She. Won't. Own.
me
¿Is it all
just some silly
Game¿

That c/a/re/ful/smile
you, you, you,...soeasytotouch
It was as if we'd - been - there - so many times,be _ fore
You leaned into me
....while I》 fell 》into; you.

I still ₩ake
from time.      time.
                  to.
with the [[[ vivid ]]] recollection
of the way you would r _ e _ a _ c _ h
to{tuck}mybangs
behind my ear

to StoP me from hidingmyeyes
How you SearCH//ed THem;
....when. I.  spoke.
you - didn't - want - to - trust
₩hat I had to sa¥
How later you THouGHt me^so^vain^
ifonlyyouhadreallytakenthetimemydear

Learn mywords/mystory/mytruth
,...i know you dont-really-know.
I've been s<u<<ck<<<ed in
and }~~ s 》p》i》t》》~ out
so. many. times. i've. lost. count.
therockinmychest is gr\av\el
....at....b _ e _ s _ t

such sweet kisses,...
what you saw-as-a-lack-of-depth
those times when° my° eyes°
couldn't always meet. with. yours.
itwasonlythat your ha _ zel made me
《《s u c k 《《 in my breath
your touch made me st>ut>>t>er

&the; tiny. bits. stored. in. my. chest.
raTTLed about in the last bit of hope;
....I had left....
and then you~》>>>> left
Not so dif/fer/ent from. the. rest.

i don't know what. silence. is. for.
i've _ got _ no _ use _ for _ it
you 《****** 《me《 in
and spit》 me》 out》 so quick
who/can/say
who\can\say
wak'ing' to' the' rain'
{is always somekind of miracle}
& thewayyoureadtome
is a ^ spite^ful ^dream^
what/for
what\for
as if #knowing
wouldmakeitanybetter
a girl has to hope ~ for ~ some~thing
to. stop. the. bleeding.
you/don't/say
you\don't\say

so,...
tellmedarling
once & for all
¿what does this
mean _ to _ you
if. an//y//thing {at all}
because you
came-to-me
& we were so
raw & 》》yet,
^here
^we
.     #are,..
i feel as f. a. r.    
[from you]
as
| ever | ...

what can¿
be {un}done
when ^ i ^ can ^ trace
my loves
by the | books |
that. rest.
on _ my _ table
waves & seeds
Pablo & Angelo
russian classics
Ne₩ ¥ork
& pursuitsofhappiness
some [kind] of organized mess
@paper pages
fra. gile in their manner
hold/my/ghosts
<all those> lost whispers
have. moved. along.
[for me] words
al>ways> meant
so much =
#more

thereisa
space _        between
knowing
&   owning
that. smacks. me.
Up | SiDe |
                    down
》just. when.
i¡ catch¡ my¡
breath;
[whilethereare
always #bodiesineed]
it's some crumb
        °infinite-soul-magic°
i tasted in your voice
&on; y{our} tongue
those are
en _ tire _ ly
dif>fer>>ent>>>
pains
&;so your mouth
d(i)ff(i)cult to
let {forget} _.      go

wind chimes because
...  i love the sound
you learned our song and played it
... Christmas morning
notes on my windshield even though
... i'd see you at home
the beach cruiser you bought me
... that looks just like yours

i can still hear the waves
... at my front door
but i can't seem to visit
... the  shore anymore
my stomach can't take
... those long walks alone
we spent so many hours
... now;... i wonder;... what for¿

maybe it's to spite you
... because-you-want-it-so
maybe it's the memories
... of our life. here. before.

OR;,...may
                    be i just can't
... love ((it))
any _ _ _ more

som _ e _thing
inyoursmile
the/taste/of/you
wrapped{my knuckles}around
now a stabbing
aCHe
tucked be>>tw>>een
each rib
[even so]
i . can . bare . it
yourjaggedblade
just to hear you
...wh' is' per''
my name
once
a _gain

it's ^not ^so ^much
that i can't seem to
| decide |
just whateveritis you want.
from. me.
it's the spoons-you-favor
to hollow》 me》out
that hurt¡ the most¡
my dear
it's never a clean cut
because i /rare{ly} see / it
coming
{hush, now it'snotyourfault
to know~any~better you
would have. to. know.
yourself}
so just _ keep _ digging _ in
i'll keep #breakingdown
hoping you >go >ahead & take
whateverisleft
}while you're{
at. it.

stupId
(for you)
i know so  _ much _ better.
Been 》 There》and 《Back 《
(time&again)
~ smile\eyes\ lips.
can't. bear. to. go.
(anywhere).
& to <rest> in you
i'd give UP
all-of-the-things
(i thought i knew).
to simply be
| locked | in your
        .stare.

Her loving is wan__ing
...it creeps in
it crawls out...
Who's behind the curtain
...is ta^ng^led in doubt
And it's wr\ench\ing
...and charming
...and beautiful//too
it's all-that-you-wanted
It's all that you knew
...and the more you try. to. fight. it.
The more you only
...lose.

it's not-the-end-that-i
》》looked for
\but // here we are
there _ is _ some
relief
maybe; i can wrestle back
allthethoughtsinmyhead
that ~have ~been ~so
tAngLeD uP in YoU;
#truth
was _ al.    ways
there. to. see.
but who¿ doesn't¿
yearn for * fire * * works *
[whatever works]
wearealljust
trying-to-get-by
have to wonder what my vowels
& verbs
will. have. to. say.    
. _ . _ . > Now

Our toes were in the sand,...
when I saw your eyes
...fade
Something in the timing of your...blink
...something vacant in all//that//green
So vivid; the moment//sepia tone Poloroid in
my brain.
...more honestly,...I felt it,... mostly
You had stopped
seeing
///me.
Ohhhhh,... you let~me~love~you
one.more.time.
You rushed in and then.you.were.out.
{how you always liked to
Come
and go}.
And there was little ten/der/ness in it
Your eyes had always pul(owned)led me
in...

Until. that.
Mo/ment
...and I Knew.
It was
over.

.

SOoo,...it's popcorn for dinner...
...how the gin soaks up the hours...
scouring some words...
To/bring/an/end
The END
{no epilogue required}
...To the aching spaces in my marrow
The Binding/Cinching
across.my.chest
...the natural consequence;
every time I think your...
Name.
Because the whiskey won't do
O
R
the wine or the smoke
...it's just me
~And my dog~
...wondering...
what is to become of me.
And
I was f  i  n  e  before I found you,... how-we-wish
you'd come
...Fetch me.

I like to pre _ tend how you
broke. my. heart.
somucheasiertohateyou
But I have your dog
and I keep\ him\ near
While I'm kil'ling' the' h'''ours
sift{ing th{{rough} {{pic{ture{{{s
Still. those. brown. eyes.
make ~ me ~ qui~v~er
& it's not-supposed-to-matter
how you sk》》ip》p》ed away
while my guts tripped.  in _ your _ wake
Ihaveallthoselovenotesinabagnow
along with your; necklace
thank GoD for. the. whiskey.
shots^full^of^forgiveness^