I woke up on the wrong side of the bed,
Woke up with something wrong in my head,
Woke up feeling like the living dead.

I woke up to one of those days,
Where things go wrong in so many ways,
Where things on a Tuesday feel like mondays.

I woke up to a black cat crossing me,
Went under a ladder I didn’t see,
Hit a salt shaker and thought well everything comes in three.

But it’s okay,
Is what I tried to say,
As I sat there on a Tuesday that was like a Monday.

Was it fun,
Watching me dig my own grave,
How about when I tripped and fell in?
No. The most delightful part must have been dropping the dirt on top of me.
Watching me suffocate,
Alone and helpless.

Was I that worthless to you,
You said nothing as you left,
I thought it’d be alright when you came back,
But I was the last to know.

Was I so worthless you couldn’t talk to me,
You couldn’t act like you cared,
You couldn’t treat me how I treated you.

I tried so hard,
I gave as much as I could,
I lost myself in our time together,
And you didn’t even care.

You broke me,
And you didn’t care,
You ruined me,
And you didn’t care.

Was I that worthless to you?

Stop,
That’s all that runs through my mind,
Stop belittling me,
Stop lying to me,
Stop acting like I’m ignorant.

I’m trying,
Trying to understand,
Trying to listen,
Trying to help,
Trying to reason with myself,
Trying to believe I won’t fall pray to that monster known as doubt.

I fail,
Again and again, I fail,
I know in my heart something’s wrong,
I know in my bones something’s broken,
I know in the shreds of my soul that are left that I can’t fight anymore,
I let doubt in.

I doubt what I hear,
I doubt what I see, feel, and fear,
I doubt my dreams,
What made me... me.

All because I let doubt take hold,
Doubt that was placed there by others,
Others who projected onto me,
Others who let dreams come and go,
Others who lost themselves to doubt.

Because they were broken, scared, and sad,
They forced me to feel the same,
They accomplished their task,
That’s all I think as I lay there shattered, broken, and ripped apart.

You sail in a sea of my tears & traumas,
You don’t care,
You dip your hand in to capture a drink,
It’s bitter, sad, tainted.
You, like everyone else, tell me to change it,
‘It’s easy’
You act as though I want this,
I have a choice in my emotions, reactions,
You act as though I can change the shape of my soul,
I can’t.
It’s unpredictable, the sea I created.
Unlike you, who sails straight through,
I’m drowning,
And I sink deeper and deeper,
As I realize you didn’t even care enough to spare a glance back,
I let go as I realize you can’t,
You WON’T help me.