we started as friends
it was innocent really

when did it all change?
when did i fall for you?

was it when we became part of each other's night routine?
texting 'goodnight' before the other would go to bed

or was it when i realized you were jealous seeing me with someone else?

it could've been anything

you always joked
"i'll make you fall in love with me"

well, my good sir
you have succeeded

have you fallen as hard as i have?
or is this wishful thinking?

we're not together
but you showed me your favorite band

we're not together
but you spilled your deepest darkest secrets that no one knows

we're not together
but you keep a polaroid of me on your nightstand

we're not together
but god
do I wish we were

as a young teen i self harmed
i cut
i starved myself
i even dabbled in burning myself

growing older i replaced those habits
with alcohol
and tattoos

yes
tattoos

i recently came to the conclusion that i enjoy tattoos for the pain
it relieves this itch i have to hurt and be in pain
and instead of leaving ugly, awful scars
that people stare at
it leaves a piece of artwork that people stare at
in awe
not in disgust

so yeah,
i use tattoos as a form of self harm
to make me feel just a little less
ugly

I’m 18, almost 19 now, but when I was at the age of 13-14 I was curious, wanted to explore my sexuality. Not even that. My best friend at the time, who was a girl, said she liked me. I was young, the “weird” girl in school. Someone showed interest in me and I went for it. My first relationship, ever, was with a girl. Nothing wrong with that.
But with this being my first relationship, I wanted to move slow. I was young and I was scared to be seen in public, holding hands with a girl. My middle school wasn’t a place that really supported being gay or bisexual or anything other than straight.
I wanted to keep it a secret, she didn’t want to keep it a secret. She wanted to move fast, I wanted to move slow.
She kept wanting to kiss and I kept saying no. She’d get upset with me so I just caved and let it happen, I was uncomfortable, I realized girls were not who I wanted to be with. I was straight. I was afraid to break up with her because she was suicidal and I couldn’t handle what would happen if I did break up with her.
It got to the point where she made me join track with her.
We were in the locker room and we were the last two to leave the locker room. I get ready to walk away and she grabs me and pulls me to her. She’s trying to kiss me. I was sick. I didn’t want to kiss her and give her whatever sickness I had. She didn’t like me pulling away, refusing to kiss her and she grabbed me harder and started to hit me. She slammed my head into the mirror in the locker room, mad that I wouldn’t give her what she wanted. She continued to hit me and abuse me mentally and physically until I cut it off for sure. I’d come home from school with bruises and sore from the day. I cut the relationship off. I stayed longer and took the abuse not wanting to hurt her, knowing she was suicidal. But staying I realized I was slowly killing myself.


*this was 5-6 years ago.