I read somewhere once that once you aren't meant to be in each other's lives you will never see them around
which i never really believed or understood until i sat back and thought about it
we live in such a small town and in the two years we have been apart i haven't seen you
not in the grocery store
my place of employment
"our" spot
anywhere
crazy,right?
and now i'm moving away
so in the off chance you ever wanted to see me again
you never will
crazy...right?

we started as friends
it was innocent really

when did it all change?
when did i fall for you?

was it when we became part of each other's night routine?
texting 'goodnight' before the other would go to bed

or was it when i realized you were jealous seeing me with someone else?

it could've been anything

you always joked
"i'll make you fall in love with me"

well, my good sir
you have succeeded

have you fallen as hard as i have?
or is this wishful thinking?

we're not together
but you showed me your favorite band

we're not together
but you spilled your deepest darkest secrets that no one knows

we're not together
but you keep a polaroid of me on your nightstand

we're not together
but god
do I wish we were

as a young teen i self harmed
i cut
i starved myself
i even dabbled in burning myself

growing older i replaced those habits
with alcohol
and tattoos

yes
tattoos

i recently came to the conclusion that i enjoy tattoos for the pain
it relieves this itch i have to hurt and be in pain
and instead of leaving ugly, awful scars
that people stare at
it leaves a piece of artwork that people stare at
in awe
not in disgust

so yeah,
i use tattoos as a form of self harm
to make me feel just a little less
ugly