Toni D'Leangelo

Toni D'Leangelo Nov 25

This is the hard part.
Knowing that in a moment ,
my living determines who dies next.
When there' s no "blood thirst"
that' s the real danger
...considering context.

This is the hard part.
Being reminded of those claims.
'A ferocious Marksman'
somehow scared to take aim.
Whether the prey is ready or not
what will it change ?
When I should be set to ****
I fret the pain.

IT HAS TO DIE.

Now this...THIS is the hard part.
Now He' s talking to you.
Let it be known
there' s no way out of it...only through.
Nevermind all that was done
be inclined to know what you' ll do.
If the guess is that you' ll walk away
and wait for another day...
will it be true ?
What if another day never comes
and you don' t even get a clue ?
And now all is dark , so dark
you can' t feel Me
and I don' t see you.

That will be the hardest part.
Being amongst the dead
but none of which I' ve killed.
Regretting the one time
I should' ve taken a life
and a shackle kept me still.
This is no painkiller
but
very much a tough pill...
I am now the prey
and they ,
hunt for thrill.

This one here...
this is REALLY the hardest part.
In comparison ,
all the other parts seem fine.
Grappling with this question...
I' ve spent a lot of time.
A lot of time.
Hypothetically ,
if I never win the hunt ,
if I never take it' s life ,
when it' s all done...
My Lord , Will You Claim Mine ?

Toni D'Leangelo Nov 7

The Apple & The Fall

He felt the Sun before the Shade.
First came the Ripening...
then came the Realization.

Pome fruits are not the same
as Citrus fruits.
So an Apple ,
will never be an Orange.
So a lonely Apple
amongst many Oranges ,
will forever feel foreign.
Maturing through
droughts , drudgery and
fate-filled storms without warning...
a fruitfulness was forming
as the distant Tree
stood dormant.
With no other fruit
hanging from it' s branches ,
it seemed growing Apples
was no longer important.
As to "Why ?"
One can only assume
what reasons are in assortment.
But what IS clear ,
considering
the field where it landed ,
years away
from the Tree that formed it.....

The apple , does fall far from the tree.

Toni D'Leangelo Jul 29

Messages From The Mirror

"Hey there, Mr.Polished !
Look I know you' re all modest
and don' t like the extra attention.
I' m just stopping by to pay homage."

"Acknowlegded. Thanks."

"I haven' t said anything yet.
How' ve my compliments already been abolished ??
Can you at least hear them out please...
I mean they' re all honest."

"Look I don' t wanna come off as snobbish I' m just not interested.
I don' t really want it."

"Naaah man...something' s wrong.
That was a typical response but something about it feels uncommon.
Are you okay ?
You don' t seem so...solid."

"I' m cool."

"And I' m Fool.
Tone...c' mon man.
I' m just trying to provide some solace.
I' ve learned how important support is
...cause YOU taught it.
Honesty too.
And you just lied and I caught it.
I' m not asking you to be flawless man.
Just be honest.
Just be honest.
Whatever it is you' re thinking
I wanna know what that thought is."

"You first."

"Fine.
You seem...hollow.
Like...you' re out of thrill and you just had a really tough pill to swallow."

"Hmm. Almost."

"What' re you carrying man ?
What' s the cargo ?
Are you using again ?
Emptying more wine bottles ?"

"No. No empty bottles."

"Then why do you look like this ?"

"Look like what ? A role model ?"

"Funny.
More like the "old" model.
Don' t treat me like I need goggles.
I can see just fine
and I can read too...YOU...
just like a novel.
And what I' ve read so far...
is that there may be a problem.
And if YOU have problems...
then I have problems.
So I' d appreciate it
if you' d help me solve em.
Start talking."

"I' m not exactly...star-struck when I look in the mirror. It has nothing to do with looks. I think it' s fear."

"Fear ??
Do know what you made it through
that past year ??
And you sittin here talkin to me about "fear" ??"

"I' m glad I made myself clear."

"Toni ? YOU...scared ??"

"*****. Yes."

Toni D'Leangelo May 2023

I Had A Crazy Thought...

I had a crazy thought...
not like "**** someone" crazy
but it' s still somewhat crazy.

Like ,
I' d probably have more visitors if I went to jail
but I' m here alone in this apartment with not one friend to stop by just to hail.

Hmm.

I had a crazy thought...
not like "suicide" crazy
but like "What would they do if I die ?" crazy.

Like ,
They' ll probably cry cause I' m gone
but they won' t smile cause I' m here.
Reminisce on the "times that we had"
but what time did we share ?
Probably say things like
"You' ll never be forgotten"
with a cry so tender.
I' ll never forget all those years wondering
if I' ll ever be remembered.

Hmm.

I had a crazy thought...
Not like "revenge" crazy
but like "Then again..." crazy.

Like ,
what would it do to you
you know...
everything that was done to me ?
What if I made you think
your life was in my hands
cause it was fun for me ?
Or
make your battles seem not so tough
and even with your efforts supreme
I' ll make sure of this theme;
"It' s still not enough."

Hmm.

I had a crazy thought...
not exactly
"they' re all the same" crazy
but
I DO recall this pain.
Crazy.

Like ,
you left cause I hurt you.
And yes ,
I AM sorry I did.
But how come you couldn' t stay cause I helped heal you ?
Because I' m sure that I did.
Is there a better man for you than me
ya know one who' s...
"safer" ?
Someone who can fulfill your "Nows"
cause you just can' t wait for later.
What happens when your "Nows"
are gone ?
Will I come to mind ?
Will you be reminded that man
you' ve always wanted
was in me the entire time ?
Did you forget something
or
even a few things ?
Like
the plight
from all these fights
last all these nights
and yet
in spite of
the fright of
this traumitized man...
he' s still trying.
He was barely surviving when
life ,
friends and family
all went by him.
Frightened for his life
cause he was dying.
Crying
cause the heart inside him
was now divided.
Emotional chaos.
Mental riots.
It was never quiet.
****** sleep.
******* diet.
He should speak but he' s silent.
No confidence in confiding
In there mind
"He' s too big ! He' s a giant
there' s no need to pacify him."
They deny that they denied him...

Hmm.

I had a crazy thought...
None of this is surprising.

Toni D'Leangelo Apr 2023

To Live , Is To Fight

L ike a thief in the night ,
I t came.
F aint entry yet fierce intention.
E veryone is at stake.

I' m
S cared.

W eary from our woes we all share
A deep need for...
R escue.

L ook at your guns and ammunition.
I t' s all primitive.
F or what' s really out there
E ven the strongest calibre is no match.

I' m
S ad.

W hen will rescue come ?
A nd what will it bring ?
R ather , who will it leave ?

L ong is the battle.
I njured are many....uncountable.
F rightened we should all be because
E vacuation is not up to us.

I' m
S tuck.

W ade in the warfare.
A bide by it' s laws.
R each the end.

L and of the Living.
I 've heard stories of such a place.
F inding It is the mystery , yet
E xistence of such a place is the pursuit.

I' ll
S tride.

W e' re all in danger and desperate.
A bsolution is a gift.
R ealize and remember that gift.

Imagine what' s hidden in the shadows and the sounds buried beneathe the earth. What if you saw it all ? What if you heard it all ? What would you care about then ? The world is a big place with mighty mysteries. It' s scary to think of what we haven' t experienced...but can. It' s scary to know , how "easy to ****" we all can be and it' s even more intimidating to realize what we' re all afraid of is all afraid of something else. Something mysterious.

Toni D'Leangelo Mar 2023

Watching The Rain

Sitting as close as I could
watching you
as if I' m stalking you
as you' re going and going
like the clock is too.

You sedate me.
**** near make me
feel somewhat like a baby...
small and under control
and less crazy.

You' re like a chief
Heavily respected in these streets
or a cup of tea
something to enjoy as you read.
Big and small
at the same time.
Only few can be.
As cool as the breeze
something to enjoy as you breathe.

Thank you
for making things feel fair.
As it relates to me
having a shared experience
seems rare.
You help me feel like everyone else
here.
Cause if you ask me
"Do you ever get tired of being different?"
Yeah.

Toni D'Leangelo Mar 2023

"In Case of An Emergency..."

"Suicide just may be easier if you' re able do it twice." - Passenger

What if death feels , good ?
Not euphoric....just good.
No state of ecstasy ,
not that kind of novelty.

Think of laying down ,
on a freshly-made bed , after a tiresome day.

Think of that first sigh of relief.

Envision the back of your eyelids
as all noise becomes no noise.

Feel your aching bones and stressed muscles softening against your comforting linen sheets.

Who knew , nothingness , could be so rewarding ?

Now ,

imagine your reality.

Is it against comforting linen ?

Mine feels swaddled in hand-me-downs.

In case of an emergency ,

hope.

Hope , that the "emergency" was just a false alarm.

In case of an emergency ,

pray...

then wait.

"Patience is a virtue"

but patience brought pain....

addiction

depression

questions.

I never could accept emergencies.

My mother having a minor stroke as I watched helplessly....

Finding my father ,
collapsed in pain unable to move...

Having a gun aimed at my head as I slept....

STD's....

Going broke.

Losing.

Hoping.

Crying.

Dying.

My heart stopped a few times ,
in a few ways.

There' s always some unfair compromise
with the promise of anxiety.

What' s the first thing you' ll do if you found out there' s no remedy for your emergency ?

I' d really like to lay down.

Oh by the way ,

I' m a Christian.