It’s 3am
My head is busy
I can’t breathe
I don’t want to wake up tomorrow.


I grab the kitchen scissors
Little cuts decorates my wrist
shame wraps around me like a heavy blanket suffocating me
Forgive me father, I am just blue all the time
I don’t want to be here but i also don’t want to go to hell.

I watch the world through blurred lens
It seems like everyone got their life together
I let out a deep sigh that no one can understand
I joke with my friends that I might not make it past 21
I am drowning and this time I don’t want the oxygen mask.

I am surrounded by shades of grey
Grey buildings and grey skies
Grey smokes invade my lungs as I walk on this street of broken dreams with only my shadow as a companion.
The people on the streets are no better, Grey faces in monochromatic suits with their dreary moods and empty minds, holding their breaths and drowning in greyer seas.

Lately,
The happiness I found  in the little things I enjoyed slowly crept away until emptiness filled me.
Who understands this deep sigh?
Is my heavy breath visible?
It's so hard to breathe, to let go of everything.
Maybe spring will come with sunlight chasing away the grey of winter.
I will wake up dancing, windows open and ready to seize the day.

Come to me,
Your love calls my name.
Kiss me,
Touch me,
Close your eyes, feel.
Abandon your senses,
Let our fantasies collide.
Our hearts sing a strange duet.
Give yourself to me,
Consume my every thought.
Drink your fill of me,
Let me drown in the sensation,
Until I bleed out the despair,
Until your essence fills my very breath,
And in every direction I turn, all that colours my vision is you.

I live not because I know how
Not because I desire it
Not out of love
When I listen to a new song
Get lost in the world of books
Drink peppermint tea
Bake a new batch of chocolate rolls,I have a reason to live
When I hunger and thirst, it reminds me, i have breath, that I am a living being
Duty keeps me tethered to this body, duty impels me to desire living.

Lay my heart in the arms of the ocean
Where ropes of despair float on the surface and peaceful rest is beneath.
Her gentle ministration lulls me to sleep, washing away the bluegreying of my spirit.
When tomorrow comes, it will be springtime
Sun razing through dreary clouds
Air dancing to the melodies of birds
Blooms of diphylleia grayi and cherry blossoms too.
The heaviness lifts from my shoulders
I can breathe again.

An ode to the one with a beautiful laugh and tender heart,
I see you, falling apart and barely existing.
Soon, I will stitch you quiet days and legs that stand a little taller,
With kisses, I’ll mend the invisible wounds till they disappear,
I’ll sew eyes that mirror my gaze,
Skin to muscle,
Muscle to bone,
Vein to vein.

I will stitch amaryllis for your hands,
Your lips, red carnations,
Hair adorned with threads of daffodils and white delphinium,
Until you bloom anew.