Lay my heart in the arms of the ocean
Where ropes of despair float on the surface and peaceful rest is beneath.
Her gentle ministration lulls me to sleep, washing away the bluegreying of my spirit.
When tomorrow comes, it will be springtime
Sun razing through dreary clouds
Air dancing to the melodies of birds
Blooms of diphylleia grayi and cherry blossoms too.
The heaviness lifts from my shoulders
I can breathe again.

I live not because I know how
Not because I desire it
Not out of love
When I listen to a new song
Get lost in the world of books
Drink peppermint tea
Bake a new batch of chocolate rolls,I have a reason to live
When I hunger and thirst, it reminds me, i have breath, that I am a living being
Duty keeps me tethered to this body, duty impels me to desire living.

I am surrounded by shades of grey
Grey buildings and grey skies
Grey smokes invade my lungs as I walk on this street of broken dreams with only my shadow as a companion.
The people on the streets are no better, Grey faces in monochromatic suits with their dreary moods and empty minds, holding their breaths and drowning in greyer seas.

It’s 3am
My head is busy
I can’t breathe
I don’t want to wake up tomorrow.


I grab the kitchen scissors
Little cuts decorates my wrist
shame wraps around me like a heavy blanket suffocating me
Forgive me father, I am just blue all the time
I don’t want to be here but i also don’t want to go to hell.

I watch the world through blurred lens
It seems like everyone got their life together
I let out a deep sigh that no one can understand
I joke with my friends that I might not make it past 21
I am drowning and this time I don’t want the oxygen mask.

Lately,
The happiness I found  in the little things I enjoyed slowly crept away until emptiness filled me.
Who understands this deep sigh?
Is my heavy breath visible?
It's so hard to breathe, to let go of everything.
Maybe spring will come with sunlight chasing away the grey of winter.
I will wake up dancing, windows open and ready to seize the day.