Anxiety anxiety,
O my anxiety,

I fear all and fear all of my fears,

Anxiety anxiety
O god my anxiety,

Distractions, distractions,
I try to fill my mind,

Anxiety anxiety,
O god please end the torture,

I’ll want to scream to empty my mind,
But I’m afraid of what  people think of me,
If it would actually help,

Anxiety anxiety,
Why do I think about everything,


Anxiety anxiety, anxiety, anxiety, anxiety, anxiety, anxiety, anxiety, anxiety, anxiety,
anxiety, anxiety, anxiety, anxiety, anxiety,
anxiety...

If you can speak your mind

Without a tone of thought towards the things you say,

If you can beat people with words

And blame them for the wrongs you display,

If you can understand what the hurt see

And turn a blind eye,

If you can imagine the wars that have been fought because of you

No would be left to illustrate the catastrophe,



If you can make people love you

Then cast out the people who state their opinion,

If you can openly criticize people

Then threaten the people, who try to fix the wrong done towards you,

If you can proclaim your life’s path as the way to follow

And then judge for any form of rebellion,

If you can finally wave the white flag

Will you finally accept the war reparations that are overdue,

The people’s heart is yours and that’s in it

Because you’ll be the face for the abusers,

Age 19- 2018 Graduation from High school

Age 25- 2024 Graduation for physiology

Age 25- 2024 Get a job in physiology, maybe start dating

Age 27- 2026 Maybe I’ll get married

Age 28- 2027 Maybe we will have a child

Age 29- 2028 Maybe we will buy a house with a really heavy mortgage

Age 49- 2048 Maybe our kid would move out

Age 51- 2050 Maybe we will buy a new house

Age 69- 2068 Maybe finally we will be able pay off the mortgage

Age 72- 2071 Maybe I could finally retire

Age 83- 2082 Maybe I will look back and wonder if I am satisfied with what I have done.

I laugh,
You laugh at me,
I cry,
You laugh at me,
I ball,
You laugh at me,
I scream,
You laugh at me,
I fall,
You laugh at me,
I hurt,
You laugh at me,
I am in pain,
You laugh at me,
I am depressed,
You laugh at me,
I die,
You stop laughing at me.

Isn't stupid how we walk around like we deserve everything,
We deserve to have food,
We deserve to be rich,
But do we deserve to starve,
Do we deserve to be poor,
Do we deserve to have addictions,
Do we deserve to have racial minority,
Do we deserve to have war,
Do we deserve to become sick,
Do we deserve to be "damaged"
Do we deserve to die,
Do we deserve to live while others die,
Do we deserve everything?
Do we really want to deserve everything.

I feel like I fail every time I trip,
I feel like I am being watched by society,
As if I were the victim of a prank show,

Every time I step out I collapse under the pressure of my anxiety,
I cut my hair so every one will judge me with a mask I can finally wear,
While the universe inside that is my identity begins to implode on itself,
As the weight of the masks are too much,

So may the realities of our failures collide as we share our faults,
Maybe they'll create a black hole and every thing we have ever feared will have vanished,

I regret nothing,
Nothing being everything,
I regret that I don't understand,
I regret standing,
I regret crying in front of you,
I regret telling you the truth,
I regret lying,
I regret being me,
I regret having this disease in my head,
I regret having thoughts,
I regret feeling the way I do...

I regret nothing other than living.

The way we do things religiously, the way we talk, the way we run our country's, and how we convict a person. May be all based on this thing called "religion" yet when asked what religion is there is no possible way to explain it easily. So why do we have religion? I think that religion is a need for human diplomacy, to see someone/something who is higher in all aspects to our leaders of whom we can not ask to help us. In this aspect is religion a way of making it is that we have a leader of a country who doesn't listen to his people, and as a denial to that power we create a thing that is greater than this leader? But what about the aspect of asking for assistance in something that doesn't at all relate political issues then is that a different form of religion?
Many religions create a being who is capable of anything. If not one being then there are multiple beings with individual "special abilities". Such as a Sun God. They thus pray to these beings in a plea to assist them in their plait, in some religions prayers are accompanied with a sacrifice of some sort, i.e. Goats, sheep, cattle and in history so were humans.
But why? What is the whole purpose of this "religion"?
Religion is a basis of human emotion, if we were not emotional we would not need religion, there are few people who are emotionally obsolete, they have no capable emotions. When asked what religion was they still were incapable of explaining due to the fact that every decision we make is all emotionally connected. When you have an emotionally inclined question asked to an emotionless person it is still an unviable solution to define it.

We hear Donald Trump might become president,
And we thought we had it bad when we voted for Justin Trudeau.

When the U.S. Bought Alaska we were happy we didn't have to be the biggest country in the world.

If Donald Trump wins we have tons of room, and ****.

You guys legalized gay marriage, you  guys are great at simon says.

We are surprised still no one has tried to throw a nuclear missile yet at you, since you do stick yours up everybody else's ***.

If Donald Trump wins he should visit Canada and find out what multiculturalism is, if that's not to big of a word for his mind.

O and let's not forget multi religious, free health care, (and not just for the middle class)
Big *** guns that can **** people are illegal, and our gun regulations actually work.
We actually invest in things other than our military.
That have their ***** in other people's country that the U.S. Just "legally" gets and begins to dictate stuff. They "own" 3/4 of the earth.
So that's why the United States Of America is $34 trillion in glorious debt.

Get rid of them all,
We do not need these vermin with their rituals and ceremonies,
Pish posh their just a waste of money,
We spend our dollars to "conserve" culture,
Why,
When we have pride in our own,
Throw the beasts out,
Let us alone rot in our culture,
While the world prospers and grows relations,
We promote our culture with pride,
Ensuring we establish our culture in the minds of all,
Abolishing the infection that reeks the minds of all who are not U.S.

Society ignores the messages that people bring up, the protesters, the entrepreneurs, the conservationists, and the inventors, who try to fix our mistakes. We do it because we are afraid to hear that our tiny little perfect world, that we worked so hard to make perfect, is not so perfect after all. So we ignore it, we block it out, and we go on with our perfect world, ignoring reality.
We ignore the messages of hunger, of poverty, of genocide, of war, of economy, of religion, of disasters, and of relationships, because it shakes our tiny little worlds

We are dying, the world is ending...
The fact is inevitable, yet we pretend that it will never end, we think that nothing will go wrong in our lives, so we ignore the warning signs. We ignore the amounting number of wild fires that burn our neighbourhoods, the ever steady rise in temperature, the ever increasing number of deaths in natural disasters due to our populations. I'm not a "SAVE THE EARTH, SAVE YOURSELVES" person, I just think that we have to wake up from our perfect little dream societies, and at least accept that accidents are imminent and that we don't just do something after the event has happened, but be prepared before it happens so that more people don't have to die from unpreparedness that was at the fault of our governments ignorance towards something that may only happen once.

After hurricane Katrina struck the U.S. Government spent billions on hurricane prevention in that affected area, while the rest of the coasts of the U.S. Stand vulnerable and naked to even the smallest of hurricanes.

Another example is mount Helena in Yoho National Park, we know that anywhere from tomorrow to fifty years that she will erupt. But as the world does everything but pay attention to it, there are unknown scientists taking measurements of the volcanic activity and becoming more anxious by the minute trying to save the uncaring world that live below the mountain.

There are hundreds of examples that I could rant on about, but no one wants to hear it because it conflicts with their tiny little perfect worlds.

I am disembarking from here,
I have moored my boat here for too long,
I have made to many friends,
I have made more enemies than not,
I have destroyed the place of where I live,
I have wiped it clean of its tolerance,
I burned it to the ground not by my own cause but by talking to each side.

If you think that your passwords are   Un-hackable, change them anyway...

In a recent study it is shown that women are 80% more likely than men to use the word "password" as their password. This gives hackers a #1 target. Along with "password" other easy combinations follow "1234" "4321" "123456" etc...

So what do we do to prevent pervs from getting our credit card password and buying all the stuff off of any perverted website...
Think about your password really hard, write down what it is on a private file "in/out of the computer", never ever have the same password for anything.

What is our government doing to make sure that they don't get hacked?
The governments preventative measures to insure that there is no "cyber terrorism" they have hackers hired to literally hack the U.S. Government. Then if they get through (which happens a lot) the government then immediately fixes it.

The way the government is insuring and enforcing security in the country is failing, due to the amount of "supposed" and "legally" obtained land around the world, the more they collect the less smaller the number of people you have to protect the area. The amount of money going into the country itself is much less than what is invested into international military involvement. Why spend so much?
Because Americans have a lot of pride, they think that the world owes it to them because their so rich. Yet the U.S. Has a debt of $19.3 trillion dollars.

Every year the US government spends $598.49 billion dollars, why? Since the US loves to put its big shiny boot into everyone's *****, a lot of people start disliking them, so the US ready to **** it's pants builds up a military that makes them look tougher.

I'm sorry for who I am,
I don't mean to be defensive,
I don't mean to avoid you,
I'm just scared that I've done something wrong to ruin your time,
It's not you,
It never really is,
It's that I'm insecure about everything,
So don't be mad,
I really don't mean to be the way I am,

I am a liar,
At least that is the truth,
I tire myself with endless fire that burns within me every time I lie,
So I say to you,
You who defend me,
I may be a liar,
But I am not a cryer,
I hope I will retire from this hole,
But it gives me an endless desire,
To continue feasting on the warmth,
I am a liar,
And liars will never get higher then the ground,
Where we feel dryer than being higher,
I am a liar,
I liar to be,
I liar forever,
I will always be the liar.

As I lay in my bed,
My parents scream,
I lay in my bed and ignore the things they say,
Today my parents decide,

Tomorrow the aftershocks will be felt,
But today I lay in my bed and reminisce about the past and future,
Tomorrow tears will be shed,

Fits will come out,
Counciling will be in session,
Custodies will be settled,
But not today,

I'll sit in the car as we drive,
Avoiding any form of eye contact,
I wonder if I was responsible for this,
Maybe I was,

Tomorrow I will consider it farther,
But today the family needs to be consoled,
We have to stick together,
So today I will forget about my... the thoughts in my head and consider the family.

Today I hug my sister,
Forgetting the awkwardness,
She cries,
I letting go of my pride cry with her,

We go out and just talk more,
Unable to handle the situation by ourselves,
Tomorrow we will be closer,
But today her and I just cry together,

We drive out through the golden fields,
She drives her truck,
With the windows open,
We listen to country,
She sings off key,
But I don't care,
I'm singing off key with her,
We laugh,
We stop at a diner,
The waiter who calls me "hon" thinks we're cute together,
We share a milkshake,
It's strawberry,
I blow bubbles in it,
She giggles,
We go to a lake,
We swim with nothing on,
We get out and  and lie in the sand,
We gaze at the stars and make new constellations,
We see shooting stars **** bye,
We fell asleep together,
We wake up with the sun,
We get dressed and drive to work,

This is my apology to you,
Read it,
Hate it,
Love it,
I don't care just understand this,

I'm sorry for who I am,
I'm sorry I don't understand basic social behaviours,
I'm sorry that I am selfish,
I'm sorry that I don't care,
I'm sorry I don't call,
I'm sorry I don't ask if you're okay,
I'm sorry that I get anxious to ask,
Unsure if I will regret asking,
I'm sorry for crying out loud,
I'm sorry for not listening,
I'm sorry that I question everything,
I'm sorry that you have to repeat everything,
I'm sorry that I never get it,
I'm sorry for hurting your feelings,
I'm sorry for being sorry for myself,
I'm sorry for murmuring,
I'm sorry for being afraid of you,
I'm sorry that I text other people and not you,
I'm sorry that I don't show that I love you,
I'm sorry that I don't consider your feelings,
I'm sorry for sending you this,
I know that it's just words to you.

Have you ever seen a living person so happy and full of life,
End up stone cold and with nothing left,
Understand this,
Avoid it my dear children,
Turn your heads,
Don't look at them,
They endlessly stare at nothing with their glassed eyes,
They tear out the sorrow and pain when you walk towards them,
So don't look my innocent children,
It will change your lives,
Morbid things is all you'll see,
Feel nothing but cold,
Eat nothing but dirt,
Do you dare to look now children of Eden,

The lies that are brought to the table to nourish your family for another day,
There is pride, your wife. The one you hold dearest,
There is Ego your son,
Then there is gamble, your daughter,
And then there is the dog that hates you but loves everyone else,
Truth,

As you sit at the table Pride beams as you tell another story,
In her mind she wonders what actually happened,

You begin to slice the juicy ham of victory perfectly glazed with a hint of devilish intent,
And you pass a piece of ham around the table,
Truth begs but you kick him away,

Next the mashed potatoes fluffy with dreams ,
As the peas come around they fall and Truth gobbles them up off the floor,
A reminder of the money spent on each pea,

Finally the carrots , boiled to perfection with anger and regret,

The room goes quiet as you lead the family in saying grace,
Truth begins to bark,
You tell him to shut up but he barks louder,
You kick him, but you miss as he bites your leg,
You bleed the lies and you cry ,
For all of that effort to feed your family was for nothing,
So Pride, Ego, and Gamble turn to ashes as you pick up truth and walk away,

My sister tells me my mom hits her when no ones around,
It's her way of expressing how she feels,
My sister was the "surprise" of the family,
And the punching bag to my mother who uses her as an outlet of her inability to understand her daughter,
How can I do something to stop her,
Yet alone say something to stand up for even myself,
I feel like a ****** tiny *** shield that's absolutely useless for protection,
I try to stand up for my sister,
Try to save her from her ever collapsing mind of depression,
While my parents try to invade her mind with religious propaganda,
I feel like a crutch for my sister that's to short but still supports her enough for her to carry on another day,
I don't talk to her about much,
She just needs someone there while she listens to TØP, FOB, BVB, MCR, etc.
While reciting every single verse by heart shaking from the emotion of the songs,
I'm not that brother who sits there and nods my head pretending to listen to bands she's trying to get me to remember,
I'm the brother who would rather remember the names of every band member of every band she trying to get me to remember,
Rather than have her sitting alone in her room having an anxiety attack wondering and thinking about everything,

I might not be as smart as her,
Or even close to understanding her,
But the one thing I get from me being her big brother is when she needs me,
Even if it's for some stupid reason,
There is nothing,
Absolutely nothing that would stop me from being there for her,

Guns scatter in my head,
They leave acknowledging that there is nothing left,
No ability to move on,
No reason to keep going,
They'll tell me that the guns will **** me,
I love the guns in my head,
They poison my mind with lead and destroy my thoughts,
But they keep on leaving,
Why do my saviours leave when I need them the most,
I'm going to bed,
The guns, pencils, razors, lighters, paper, glass, metal and knives have been locked away,
Out of reach of my infected mind,
I know how to get them,
I locked them up myself,
I beg for the guns to come back and fill my head with their bullets,
As I scream from the thought of unlocking the things,
Where are the guns,
No where,
No one can save me now,
I get out of my bed,
Unlock all my drawers and make a stage worthy event,
I prop a camera and start recording how I'm going to **** my infection inside my head.

It's 2 a.m.here in Calgary,
I'm sitting on my bed thinking,
I have an English quiz today,
I studied for it,
But of course my anxiety has to come along,
I'm thinking of all the possible outcomes and future of either passing or failing the test,
The numbers so far 5:129
(No don't worry the 129 is the failure side, I told you so that you don't have to ask which ones which),
It's 2 a.m. and I have come up with 134 possible outcomes of this test and my parents make me take sleeping pills that I dump in the toilet,
I drink a lot of coffee and energy drinks,
But I'm still thinking tossing and turning physically and mentally,
Then you wonder why do you have to continue this way,
Then this depression thing comes in and makes my anxiety worse,
Causing a melt down.

It's 2:01 a.m.

We as humans are terrified of dying,
We create an imaginary world where we defy death, where we don't die,
Yes our bodies may not exist anymore but we still live, because we as humans will never believe that we can die. We create "religions" we have a "hope" that we can live forever. But why? Why can't we just accept that we will be buried in a 6ft hole in the ground and nothing else will happen? Because it's a human survival instinct, our brains tell us "what ever the cost you must not die" so when we do really die we believe that we are still alive. Other people also  think that we are in "heaven". This I find fascinating in a phycological and theological aspect due to the fact that not only are you able to perceive the religious aspects behind death, but the phycological toll that a person grieving experiences.
When you ask a person of a religious belief what death is to them, 9/10 of the people asked, responded with words very similar to each other. These descriptions describe a sort of afterlife "the denial of death" these questions were asked to many people with different cultural and religious beliefs. But to define death is like defining religion itself.

I follow my own road,
Unable to determine really what road that is,
All I know is that,
It's not a big road,
Nor a paved one,
I am on a gravel road stretching for miles,
I don't speed on this road,
I'm driving below the speed limit,
I imagine that my road that I am taking is winding and undecided,
I'm driving a classic Bugatti Type 57sc Atlantic,
In a pale sky blue colour,
I don't care how long it takes for my path to straighten,
I just want to enjoy the ride,
Until life catches up.

As we have conflicts with others,
ISIS,
North Korea,
Russia,
And we give a ***** look to Muslims,
We of the far left with a "pure heart" call this
"Islamophobia"
The religious, racist, white supremacist,
Right wing thugs, unconscious, judgemental, ill-hearted, and blind people who say
"Death to all Muslims"
These people who are disgusted by the thought of having a Muslim neighbor,
These people are just as blind as the Germans were when their Jewish neighbors were taken from their homes,
What would we do if we got rid of all the Muslims in America,
Would we put them into camps,
"Refugee camps",
That's what we'd call them,
Secretly behind closed doors,
People would go missing,
Us the people who believe ourselves as saviours of the Jews,
Would **** their neighbors,
Nor would we care.

I wear a hat,
Just a cap,
I wear it raised slightly with it tilted, a little to the right,

I carry my vanity in it,
People look at me with a label,
But different than the one I fear,
So I stand up a little taller with my new found vanity,

I am happy with my image,
I don't care if my parents look at me questioning what they raised,

I don't care if people think I look intimidating trying to see the criminal through the sunglasses,

Because for once I feel I can be individual and still be comfortable with myself.

My heart yearns to be heard,
In a crowd of like minded people,
Yet I silence my feelings,
No one cares,
No one understands,

Why do I feel alone in a crowd,
I am social on the media,
I am connected to thousands of people,
But I feel close to no one,

Like this,
Share that,
I fail to understand how it is,
The more friends,
The less I have,

My followers acknowledge my existence,
They comment their thoughts,
But that is all,

I post to be noticed,
Even if it’s just a glance,
The taste of friendship is deceiving,
The first sample is always free,

Then the loneliness begins to settle in,
You cry out for a friend,
They comment their friendship,

Yet no one will come to the rescue,
To busy with their friendless followers,
But don’t worry about me,
Because loneliness is the closest friend to me.

I reep my blood,
Yet you are unsatisfied,
The bridges I cross to satisfy my...your thoughts,

The pain I suffer because I...you think of depressing things,
The music I listen to and walk the edge of cliffs,
Yet you push me closer to the edge,

But I can't do it yet,
The music is to loud for now,
I wonder how much longer it will be to loud for,
My doctor gave me more pills to take,

I won't take them,
Afraid I'll purposely overdose on them,

I envy you who walk around so gayly,
Without a care in the world,
Without a worry,
You prance around your house,
Tragically filled with flowers,

As I walk past on the filthy sidewalk,
I don't stop in fear of the joy,
So march on with your proud smiles surgically plastered on your faces,
As I trudge through the destruction you leave behind.

We go to the mall,
She has me try on a bra,
She asks me what cup size I am,
"10 I guess, that's my shoe size"
We laugh and the store clerk looks bewildered,
We leave empty handed but our minds filled with memories,
We feed each other sushi,
Seeing who can handle the most wasabi sauce on one sushi roll,
We laugh as we chug green tea,
The store owners look mortified,
But are pleased by the huge tip,
I lead her to a shoe store where we find the best fitting shoe of the opposition gender,
She laughs as I try to walk in stilettos,
She just wears sneakers,
I break them,
We pay the owner and don't keep them,
I had fun today,
I think she did too her eyes tell me all.

What are we doing America,
Why do we try to hate others,
We destroy everything leaving nothing left,
We throw guns and people around like it's a game,
Seeing who can get more of its people killed in a day,
Yet when it comes time to convict someone for their actions we draw a blank,
We move on unable to even accept  that people in our own borders  could assist in such atrocities,
But as we point an angry finger across the world,
We don't consider what we have done inside our own country,
Maybe we need to understand that things aren't so perfect here after all,
Maybe we should consider fixing problems at home before we go masecuring another country.

I sit here lost in my own thoughts about the future in the most depressing way,
She asks me if I'm okay,
"I don't know"
I continue spiralling into my depressed dream,
I lye on the bed lost,
She lyes beside me,
I turn my head to look at her my eyes glazed in thought,
Thinking about her dying in my own hands,
She blows air on my face and I snap out of my thoughts,
She begins to laugh and I laugh with her admiring her powers.

Living is for the happy,
Dying is for the not,
But lying gets us nowhere,
So trying to be happy is like dying on the inside,
Trying to stay afloat in an ocean of depressing things.

I'm sitting here taking a ****,
Looky right at a roll of ****,
Well at least that's what it wipes off,
I am bored as a car on Sunday that got hit in slow motion,
By a mo-ped,
Good god I am bored as ****,
THIS ISN'T EVEN A ******* POEM!

I'll scream the words that chant in my head,
The volume mutes my thoughts,
But not the words I know by heart,
The hope for my future,

In the hands of the words that motivate me to live on,
In the hands of the volume that mute my thoughts,

Right now I'm not  thinking that my life is being balanced from life or death,
By a judge that is the music I listen to,
Right now I'm lost in the words that I scream,

Later I'll cry,
In the therapists office,
About what the balance of my life relies upon,
She'll write down another diagnosis,
Worthy for the psychiatric ward,

But not now...
Now in this moment,
The music will decide where the knife goes,

I am afraid of what the future holds,
There is no "live in the now"
Because that's what you do when your retired,
But as I mature in to an adult,
I find that I am afraid,
I am afraid of every single decision I make,
I am afraid of messing up,
I am afraid that there will be no one to tell me that it's okay,
I'm afraid not for what is happening,
I am afraid of what will happen.

Torture me with your relentless words,
Even after you've finished they still stick around to try to finish me off,
They almost do,
But I won't let them today,
Probably not tomorrow either,
But maybe next week,
Or maybe two days,
I hope you understand,
It's you not me,
Your words stab at me as I try to run away from them,
Who am I kidding,
I can't run away from words that float around my head just taking casual turns on who to strike me next,
So I listen and **** in my emotions,
Because if I show them it will only get worse as it always does,

I stand here alone,
Unable to speak,
My back turned pretending pride,
As my mother walks away,
My heart dies as I want to help her ,
But I keep walking,
My dam pride forcing me to step farther away,
I can't grasp control of my body,
What am I proud of,
Nothing,
I walking away achieves nothing,
So I turn around and let go of my pride,
"Mom,"
The tears that well in my eyes as she turns around,
"I'm so sorry mom, I..."
But she silences me as I am embraced by her body.

What is wisdom,
Is it something that is achieved,
Is it something that is handed down from generation to generation,
Is is something that grows over time,
Is it something we buy,
If wisdom is achieved what things must be done to achieve it,
If wisdom is something handed down from generation to generation,
What wise words of wisdom must be spoken of the generations before us,
If wisdom is something that grows over time,
If so then are the older wiser,
What happens if the older generation loses all wisdom from deterioration,
Does that make the younger wiser,
If wisdom is something to purchase is it like currency,
With every perfect choice as income and every wise thing spoken as the bill,
Could it be possible to become rich in wisdom.

My heart races as I approach,
I sit down on the couch,
Trying to appear casual,
My palms are sticky from sweat,
I try focusing my attention to the tv,
But my mind spins,
Hold it, wait till it goes to commercial, I tell myself,
I wait past yet another commercial break fighting a battle in my head,
Finally I can't hold it in any longer,

"Mom, I need to tell you something."

The leaves sway in the wind,
While the setting sun highlights the trees delicate tones,
With its pure white flowers and bright green leaves,

The spring flowers have already bloomed and gone,
Such as mother nature  intended it to be,
Yet one tree has remained with a full bloom,

While among it lay the burned remains of its brothers and sisters,
So delicate,
So alone,

The rays of light are just strong enough,
This tree that stands has become a symbol of hope for what remains of humanity,
A white flag in the horizon,

This lone tree stands at the centre,
The centre of no man's land,
With smoke and bullets
This tree stands among a desolate unforgiving landscape,

Today the last of humanity will complete it's goal,
This tree will be the last of what once was,
The only living thing on planet earth,

In the future this tree will stand,
It alone has the greatest responsibility,
To spread its seeds to rebuild mankind,
The tree accepts this responsibility,

But mother nature nods her head,
"No more."
The tree will never bloom again and never shed it's seeds,

The tree begins to drop its seedless pure white petals,
The weightless petals gently reach the dirt without a sound,
Yet the weight of a single petal landing has sent shock waves around the empty world,

This is truly the end.

If only I was different,
Would I finally fit in,
If only I was what you wanted,
Would you love me,
If only I could understand,
Would you regard me as me,
If only I normal,
Could you let me live a normal life,
If only I was clean,
Would you reach out your hand,
If only I could be perfect,
Would you understand that I'm not,
If only I could find who I am,
Would you believe that I found me,
If only I left,
Would you realize what I felt,
If only I lived long enough,
Would you finally realize my potential,
What I could have been.

I rise thinking what I can do better today,
When I fail at that I think is there another way,
At night when it's all over I think about what I can do better tomorrow,
I hate doing these endless pointless circles that eventually end at a cliff.

I'm going on a plane,
To Lviv Ukraine,
To where my life began,
To where I was forgotten,

To where I was picked up,
I'm going back not for a need to understand where I came from,

But to where it all ended,
To the place that I left behind,
To leave a gift,
For the gifted,

To cement the decision of my parents,
To understand what they saw in me,
To take me half across the world,
To take me home,

So as I stand in front of the door to the place where children shared nothing,
Let alone have anything to share,

I knock on the door and an old lady answrs,
A nun,
I try to speak to her in my deplorable Ukrainian,

But I stop and hand her a letter,
I turn and leave,
I'll know that she would be able to read it,
Because I had my dad write what I had wanted to say to her in Ukrainian,

I left her the address of the hotel I'm staying in,
A day later there's a knock at the door,
The nun walks in ,
I have difficulty understanding her,

But I record what she says to me,
After an hour she finishes talking and gets up to leave,
I ask her to stop,
I walk towards her and say,
Thank you in Ukrainian,
She starts tearing up as she heads out the door.