Time has a tendency to feel like forever and pass by in a second,
13 years have passed since I left last,
Standing in the doorway one last time,
I reminisce as I sit on the floor of my empty room,
Small details I remembered just a few moments ago have begun to blur,

I smile as I look at the pencil marks on the door increasing in height as the years past,
I promised that I wouldn’t cry,
This house,
No; this home,
Helped mold me into the person I am,

The outlines of our hands and the hands of those before us line the crawl space walls,
Marking our place in the homes history,
A spot has been left for the next hands,
So that they to can add to the history,

The family portraits that line the hallways,
Now bare empty holes,
The photos packed away,
Just a memory of what once was,

The kitchen once filled with aromas,
Smells of nothing now,
Thirteen Christmas dinners prepared,
All wiped away with a new coat of paint,

This home I have loved,
And was filled with love has moved away,
So must I,
I say goodbye and thank you,

My heart yearns to be heard,
In a crowd of like minded people,
Yet I silence my feelings,
No one cares,
No one understands,

Why do I feel alone in a crowd,
I am social on the media,
I am connected to thousands of people,
But I feel close to no one,

Like this,
Share that,
I fail to understand how it is,
The more friends,
The less I have,

My followers acknowledge my existence,
They comment their thoughts,
But that is all,

I post to be noticed,
Even if it’s just a glance,
The taste of friendship is deceiving,
The first sample is always free,

Then the loneliness begins to settle in,
You cry out for a friend,
They comment their friendship,

Yet no one will come to the rescue,
To busy with their friendless followers,
But don’t worry about me,
Because loneliness is the closest friend to me.

You see me,
You hear me,
You feel me,
Yet you do not understand me,

I am not perfect,
My flaws are scars upon my face,
I have tried to face my demons,
But they drown me in my fears,

I am fighting against the tide with pills and distractions,
Yet the waves rise ten feet high,
I have lost my own battles before,

But not like this,
There is nothing to silence the voices,
That only I hear,
The doubts and fears have drained me of my life,

FEARS is who I am now,
He is me,
And I am him,
FAERS

I cry,
Cry for relief,
Yet it never comes,
Anxiety plays me like a puppet,

It’s strings are the fears that I fear,
The man controlling me is no one,
I am cutting the strings slowly,
But I fear many things.

To be honest,
What is it,
We construct promises,
Built solely on hope and lies,
Just to watch it fall...

Is this what honesty is,
Polite lies,
Created for the ease of every person,

Or to hide intentions,
Hidden behind a vail of promises,
Greed, power, fear, personal gain,

I pray I’m an honest man,
I hope that my Lies have not hurt,
I believe that  I did it to help,
I didn’t mean it to hurt someone,

Politicians can easily be blamed,
We are clean,
While everyone else is not,
No one and everyone is to blame,

I ask,
Are you honest,
Or is that a lie,
What is honesty then,

I go to work and I have had a good day so far, I’m on the bus,
Then it happens,
I think to myself,
        -Hopefully work will be the same, I have a lot of stuff to do. I hope I’m  going to make it on time.

I know I will because I knew I would get anxiety from not being on time,
        -I’m going to be late and my boss is going to hate me.

My breathing starts to become shallow,
My stomach starts to clench,
       -I wonder if my boss thinks I’m a failure in his eyes?

My stomach begins to hurt, Yet I continue to think deeper,
       -I hope that my boss won’t fire me as soon as he finds someone better.

I smoke cigarettes to get my mind to fuzz,
       -I wonder if he hates me?

The pain from my stomach becomes excruciating,
      -I think my coworkers think I’m slow.

I try to hide the pain to keep some pride,
      -Why are all the people on the bus sitting at the front, am I scaring them?

My breathing becomes very shallow and I forget to breath,
       -I need to get all of my assignments done soon.

I become angry at myself and I get off the bus,
      -This isn’t my stop, I’m going to late.

My hands are shaking as I am bent over in pain trying to light my cigarette,

One puff,
      -I’m going to be late

Two puffs,
      -I’m going to be late

Three puffs,
      -I’m going to be late

Four puffs,
      Relief

I am alone,
My friends are the letters in this poem,
I tell them my sorrows and they repeat every word I say,
Friends are hard to come by these days,
We are all stuck,
Not me,
Words are my friends,
Words from others are my enemy,
The silence of the words I repeat in my head slowly grows,
I am truly alone with my friends,
Even words leave me in the end of every poem,

I try to be better than I am,
I try to be who you want me to be,
I try to be kind,
I try to be loyal,
I try to be a friend,
Yet you saw through what I built and now you hate what you have seen,
I try to fix it,
I try to tell you that I can change,
I try so hard to hold on to you,
But you have seen me,
You have made your decision,
My disability has filled you with distain,
You see a monster and only the monster,
I try to bring up the past,
I try to erase your vision of me,
I try so hard to be with someone “normal”,
But you have made your decision,
You ignore my calls,
You avoid me,
You have my brother tell me why you don’t want to see me,
You never had the ***** to tell it to my face,
I try so hard to be friendly,
I try so hard to be kind,
I try so hard to be outgoing,
I try so hard to be better everyday,
I try so hard to be liked,
I try and in the long run I always and will always end up lonely and hurt,

Anxiety anxiety,
O my anxiety,

I fear all and fear all of my fears,

Anxiety anxiety
O god my anxiety,

Distractions, distractions,
I try to fill my mind,

Anxiety anxiety,
O god please end the torture,

I’ll want to scream to empty my mind,
But I’m afraid of what  people think of me,
If it would actually help,

Anxiety anxiety,
Why do I think about everything,


Anxiety anxiety, anxiety, anxiety, anxiety, anxiety, anxiety, anxiety, anxiety, anxiety,
anxiety, anxiety, anxiety, anxiety, anxiety,
anxiety...

If we the young are the future,
And we the young are supposed to be individuals,
With individual minds and bodies,
How can we do this,
If we the young are supposed to be spreading equality and unity,
How can I be different,
When I am told not to stand out of the crowd and told to hold my tongue,

How can  future generations learn about truth and honesty when their entire lives are being constructed upon lies, brought to in part by Society,

In our Western society you are either White or something else,
There is no middle ground,
And wether you succeed or not is determined by the colour of your skin,
How can I tell my child or their children that all people are born equally and have an equal opportunity in society just the same as everyone else,
While the Muslims are banned,
The Latino’s are kicked out,
While African Americans are stuck in a cycle of discrimination,
HOW!
HOW CAN I CONTINUE LIVING A LIE OF EQUALITY!
I will say that I stand by women that suffer who suffer with harassment or abuse,
But a part of my mind tickles and I hate it because it changes my perspective on women in the sec status,
I am white,
I have the best possibilities laid out in front of me,
On polished marble floor, in a mansion,
I call my self privileged,
I hate it but I ignore what people tell me,

They say it takes years to establish a true friendship,
I have found a true friend,
Or at least I thought I had,

Once they see the invisible man,
Your true nature,
They will abandon you,
Their friendship with you,
Their trust in yopenness,
It will all disappear into the dust,

My friends have discovered the monster that is my cancer,
I have shared everything with them,
Then you have nothing left to share,

Now I am all but a memory,
A regret in the circle of friends.

Today in the game,
It shall be decided,
Society shall pick a winner,
The choice is clear,

Those who have the slightest issues,
They shall never be picked,
Those who pretend to defy the rules shall be saints,
Those who try to be perfect ,
They shall never achieve their dream,
In the game,

It is a fight to the death,
No matter who you are,
No matter who you thought you were,
You shall never win,
Nor will anyone else,
Society will always find your flaws.

If you can speak your mind

Without a tone of thought towards the things you say,

If you can beat people with words

And blame them for the wrongs you display,

If you can understand what the hurt see

And turn a blind eye,

If you can imagine the wars that have been fought because of you

No would be left to illustrate the catastrophe,



If you can make people love you

Then cast out the people who state their opinion,

If you can openly criticize people

Then threaten the people, who try to fix the wrong done towards you,

If you can proclaim your life’s path as the way to follow

And then judge for any form of rebellion,

If you can finally wave the white flag

Will you finally accept the war reparations that are overdue,

The people’s heart is yours and that’s in it

Because you’ll be the face for the abusers,

If you knew what I thought,
If you opened a small piece of my mind,
You would lose yours,
The weight of my thoughts would crush any mortal,
My insecurities would implode any person,

If anyone were to look into the darkness of my mind,
The ink of my thoughts would drown them,

Yet I still live,
I have no purpose,
No real motive,
Yet I walk along this line of Society,

As sociy progesses I will stay behind,
Not wanting to interfere with the revolution,
I will be the only nuisance,

The leaves sway in the wind,
While the setting sun highlights the trees delicate tones,
With its pure white flowers and bright green leaves,

The spring flowers have already bloomed and gone,
Such as mother nature  intended it to be,
Yet one tree has remained with a full bloom,

While among it lay the burned remains of its brothers and sisters,
So delicate,
So alone,

The rays of light are just strong enough,
This tree that stands has become a symbol of hope for what remains of humanity,
A white flag in the horizon,

This lone tree stands at the centre,
The centre of no man's land,
With smoke and bullets
This tree stands among a desolate unforgiving landscape,

Today the last of humanity will complete it's goal,
This tree will be the last of what once was,
The only living thing on planet earth,

In the future this tree will stand,
It alone has the greatest responsibility,
To spread its seeds to rebuild mankind,
The tree accepts this responsibility,

But mother nature nods her head,
"No more."
The tree will never bloom again and never shed it's seeds,

The tree begins to drop its seedless pure white petals,
The weightless petals gently reach the dirt without a sound,
Yet the weight of a single petal landing has sent shock waves around the empty world,

This is truly the end.

As we have conflicts with others,
ISIS,
North Korea,
Russia,
And we give a ***** look to Muslims,
We of the far left with a "pure heart" call this
"Islamophobia"
The religious, racist, white supremacist,
Right wing thugs, unconscious, judgemental, ill-hearted, and blind people who say
"Death to all Muslims"
These people who are disgusted by the thought of having a Muslim neighbor,
These people are just as blind as the Germans were when their Jewish neighbors were taken from their homes,
What would we do if we got rid of all the Muslims in America,
Would we put them into camps,
"Refugee camps",
That's what we'd call them,
Secretly behind closed doors,
People would go missing,
Us the people who believe ourselves as saviours of the Jews,
Would **** their neighbors,
Nor would we care.

I want to be a cook,
Not like those ones who follow recipes,
But a culinary artist,
I want to feed a persons eyes full,
With colours,
And designs that would fill their hungry eyes,


Yet I can't graduate high school,
I lack motivation,
I crack under pressure,
I'm passive aggressive,
What can I possibly be if I lack the skills to my dreams

I feel like I fail every time I trip,
I feel like I am being watched by society,
As if I were the victim of a prank show,

Every time I step out I collapse under the pressure of my anxiety,
I cut my hair so every one will judge me with a mask I can finally wear,
While the universe inside that is my identity begins to implode on itself,
As the weight of the masks are too much,

So may the realities of our failures collide as we share our faults,
Maybe they'll create a black hole and every thing we have ever feared will have vanished,

Was the dark painted with careful delicate strokes,

Or was it burned with the intent of creation,
As the ashes formed the dying stars,

Creativity has its purpose on canvas,
It has become a symbol of hope for the broken brushes,

The canvas plays with meanings as critics share their prophecies of emotional understanding,
But nobody really knows,
As the paint and blood vaguely hide the truth,

Only the broken brush responsible for creation knows what secrets hide in the image,
As it's mind will paint what can it's eyes can not visually express,
To understand the image is to understand the mind of the broken brush,

But even that is far more complex than the easy imagination we create as we see ourselves as the creator,
The observer feels enlightened by the sense of "understanding"
If the observer truly could understand the image,
They would have seen the creators own blood used as paint,

The lies that are brought to the table to nourish your family for another day,
There is pride, your wife. The one you hold dearest,
There is Ego your son,
Then there is gamble, your daughter,
And then there is the dog that hates you but loves everyone else,
Truth,

As you sit at the table Pride beams as you tell another story,
In her mind she wonders what actually happened,

You begin to slice the juicy ham of victory perfectly glazed with a hint of devilish intent,
And you pass a piece of ham around the table,
Truth begs but you kick him away,

Next the mashed potatoes fluffy with dreams ,
As the peas come around they fall and Truth gobbles them up off the floor,
A reminder of the money spent on each pea,

Finally the carrots , boiled to perfection with anger and regret,

The room goes quiet as you lead the family in saying grace,
Truth begins to bark,
You tell him to shut up but he barks louder,
You kick him, but you miss as he bites your leg,
You bleed the lies and you cry ,
For all of that effort to feed your family was for nothing,
So Pride, Ego, and Gamble turn to ashes as you pick up truth and walk away,

You will call everyday,
You will come to the house everyday when your not working,
You will not have friends over at your apartment,
Especially on a school night,
DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!

yes

You are so irresponsible,
I should have you come back to the house and live with your mommy, would you like that?

no

I would make your life hell wouldn't I?

no

As I speak to my mother on the phone my pride in being independent has been torn away from me, like a **** victims clothes,

The cross written in my hand

                               F
                               O
                               R
                    P  L  E  A  S  E
                               G
                                I
                             ­  V
                               E
                               M
                               E

    For the crimes I have committed

The dim light that fell within the boundaries of my thoughts,
Illuminated my heart,
As you told me that it was going to be okay,
The light began to grow,
And ignited a flame,

As I began to crawl out of the cave of my insecurities,
You held out your hand,
Giving me the strength to begin my long battle towards self confidence,

My motivation did not waver,
As your quiet patience has kindled the fire that pushes me on,
I have made progress,
Yet the journey is far from over,

I am still afraid of society's judgements,
But I'm beginning to stop pretending to be the person I want to be,
I am tolerating myself and my real image,

The end is nearing my friend,
When the end comes do not be alarmed,
I will embrace it with open arms,
If it so wishes me to do so,

I won't resist it's powers,
Nor can I resist it's powers,
When the end comes I won't tell anyone,
Because it is the end of my story,

So what is there to tell if it's the end,
Nothing,
Yet there was no reason for a beginning,
When my life had no beginning in the first place,

So brother,
So sister,
I'll leave you to tell my story when the end comes,

When the end comes for me,
Hopefully the living will forgive me.

As the days of celebrations approach,
I seem to do nothing but wrong,
I'll do the littlest of things wrong,
But I won't know that it is wrong,

So I'll ask my God's what it is that I have done to offend them,
They will not answer me,
The silence of my brothers and sisters is all I'll get,

But I'll try to move on,
To make these days of celebrations worth it,
With my mind so infected I won't know if this will be my last...

My thoughts begin to wander,
I begin to shake uncontrollably,
I'm terrified of my thoughts,
The images that I think about,

The music,
I turn it off,
It's stopped working,
The relief isn't there anymore,

Fear begins to set in,
As I grasp onto to the last hold of control,
I become the enemy as my body just wants to let go,
To float in a world of carelessness,

I sit down and just let my thoughts consume me,
My body shakes and I let it,
Μy mind shows the facts of death,
My death,

I'll think of the places where the blood will drip out if I were to hang upside down,
I'll imagine someone would see the pool of blood on the floor and I would be forgiven,

I'll imagine that I'm watching a baby no more then a few weeks old,
Being murdered in the hands of the doctor and priest baptizing the drowned child,
And I'll laugh in a courtroom,
As the jury and judge stare in disbelief and horror as the conviction is read in their eyes,

The judgement is of all society,
My mind begins to collapse under the stares and verdict,
Guilty,

I'll think about how they'll condemn me to death,
Will it be swift,
Or will I suffer to be forgiven,
I have gone to deep,
I've become interested and I begin to want to go farther in my thoughts,

As I fall through the trapdoor of thought ,
I attempt to to grab onto anything,
But the walls I fall with are bare,
This hole is endless,

But I've reached the end early.

I'll scream the words that chant in my head,
The volume mutes my thoughts,
But not the words I know by heart,
The hope for my future,

In the hands of the words that motivate me to live on,
In the hands of the volume that mute my thoughts,

Right now I'm not  thinking that my life is being balanced from life or death,
By a judge that is the music I listen to,
Right now I'm lost in the words that I scream,

Later I'll cry,
In the therapists office,
About what the balance of my life relies upon,
She'll write down another diagnosis,
Worthy for the psychiatric ward,

But not now...
Now in this moment,
The music will decide where the knife goes,

Today I went wedding dress shopping,
I know bad luck,
But I don't care,
It was really fun,

My bride tried on dresses,
The most expensive,
$100,000
I secretly tried one on,

I couldn't do up the back zipper,
It got stuck,
Then I ******* get out of the dress,

So my bride being as snart as she said she loved the dress,
And we walked out of the store with the dress still on me,
I eventually got out ,
And she's still going to wear it.

She showers me in gifts and stories,
My dad sits alone,
My dad told me that it's good to cry sometimes,
My mom tells me to stop feeling sorry for myself,

I'll cry,
Not for myself but for the war that has begun,
My mothers army includes the guns of exaggeration and gifts,

My dad brings forth solitude and destiny,
She'll fire her guns as my dad does nothing,
I sit in no mans land and ponder the future,
I silence the noises outside to concentrate on my... the thoughts in my head,

The propaganda that is set in front of my mother are tempting,
Along the signs lay threats of abandonment for treason,

But my father silently proclaims the relief of the words that my mother uses,
He preaches the schools and education,
My mother commercializes the  freedom of substantial proportions,

So as my mom fires her pamphlets of chocolate,
My dad telepathically opens university brochures in my head, in the middle of no mans land

I sit with my family,
Except for one,
We plan the future,
Even though it's 3 am

We all can't sleep,
We all won't sleep,
So we have coffees and chat,
Avoiding the obvious question,

Why,
We talk about everything but,
The knot in my throat grows as I see the family look defeated,

The future changes here,
But we're to distracted to talk,
I open my mouth,
Air escapes,

I say nothing and we sit around,
They begin to leave in silence,
Their actions prophesies to the future,
Alone here left to support the victim,
Alone in the future left to support them all,

As I lay in my bed,
My parents scream,
I lay in my bed and ignore the things they say,
Today my parents decide,

Tomorrow the aftershocks will be felt,
But today I lay in my bed and reminisce about the past and future,
Tomorrow tears will be shed,

Fits will come out,
Counciling will be in session,
Custodies will be settled,
But not today,

I'll sit in the car as we drive,
Avoiding any form of eye contact,
I wonder if I was responsible for this,
Maybe I was,

Tomorrow I will consider it farther,
But today the family needs to be consoled,
We have to stick together,
So today I will forget about my... the thoughts in my head and consider the family.

Today I hug my sister,
Forgetting the awkwardness,
She cries,
I letting go of my pride cry with her,

We go out and just talk more,
Unable to handle the situation by ourselves,
Tomorrow we will be closer,
But today her and I just cry together,

I sit here tortured by the thoughts,
I'll apologize a million times in my head,
I'll tell you once out loud,
You'll say it's fine,
But my mind digs deeper,
Thinking what I did is unforgivable,
I'll tell you that I'm sorry to many times,
The things I have done,
She says she understands,
But my mind keeps going,
She embraces me and whispers,
I love you,
I breakdown,
Maybe tomorrow will be better.

The line from society,
Has been blocked by a fence,
But this fence is different,
This fence is a protector,
The fence is a friend,
The fence even looks a little different,
The fence is blue, purple, red, yellow, and green,
And it's squiggly and not straight,
The fence is a blockade ,
From my house to society.

Age 19- 2018 Graduation from High school

Age 25- 2024 Graduation for physiology

Age 25- 2024 Get a job in physiology, maybe start dating

Age 27- 2026 Maybe I’ll get married

Age 28- 2027 Maybe we will have a child

Age 29- 2028 Maybe we will buy a house with a really heavy mortgage

Age 49- 2048 Maybe our kid would move out

Age 51- 2050 Maybe we will buy a new house

Age 69- 2068 Maybe finally we will be able pay off the mortgage

Age 72- 2071 Maybe I could finally retire

Age 83- 2082 Maybe I will look back and wonder if I am satisfied with what I have done.

I'm going on a plane,
To Lviv Ukraine,
To where my life began,
To where I was forgotten,

To where I was picked up,
I'm going back not for a need to understand where I came from,

But to where it all ended,
To the place that I left behind,
To leave a gift,
For the gifted,

To cement the decision of my parents,
To understand what they saw in me,
To take me half across the world,
To take me home,

So as I stand in front of the door to the place where children shared nothing,
Let alone have anything to share,

I knock on the door and an old lady answrs,
A nun,
I try to speak to her in my deplorable Ukrainian,

But I stop and hand her a letter,
I turn and leave,
I'll know that she would be able to read it,
Because I had my dad write what I had wanted to say to her in Ukrainian,

I left her the address of the hotel I'm staying in,
A day later there's a knock at the door,
The nun walks in ,
I have difficulty understanding her,

But I record what she says to me,
After an hour she finishes talking and gets up to leave,
I ask her to stop,
I walk towards her and say,
Thank you in Ukrainian,
She starts tearing up as she heads out the door.

So America this is the choice you have made,
It's time about time you show the world who you really are,
Instead of making the news for being immature in your riots,
Make the world see the true face of the United States of America,
The one that got its independence on its own,
The ones who would help other peoples problems first before their own,
The ones who end the fights,
Not start them...

So grow up people,
You are the people of the United States of America,
It's time that you accept your decisions,
Rather than kicking and screaming uselessly,
Be proud of what ever,
Be responsible,
Be mature,
Be the America that the rest of the world respects,
Be the pride that the world bows down too,
Be the American dream,
If you don't like someone,
You don't try to kick and scream hoping they will go away,
You talk it over,
Accept your choices,

I'm on my hands and knees,
Blood everywhere,
I being the one that is bleeding,
I try to get up,

But my thoughts return the blows,
This time my ears start to bleed,
I am losing quickly,
I start seeing stars,

I just lye there,
My mind goes for another strike at me,
NO!!!
I scream shooting up,

Scattering my minds blow,
I grab my thoughts and tear them apart,
My weapon,
The thought of my family and their dispair.

I get up out of my bed,
I check myself in the mirror,
Nothing,
I walk out of my room,

I have no scars to show the fight of..... for my life.

I reep my blood,
Yet you are unsatisfied,
The bridges I cross to satisfy my...your thoughts,

The pain I suffer because I...you think of depressing things,
The music I listen to and walk the edge of cliffs,
Yet you push me closer to the edge,

But I can't do it yet,
The music is to loud for now,
I wonder how much longer it will be to loud for,
My doctor gave me more pills to take,

I won't take them,
Afraid I'll purposely overdose on them,

You write me to let me know that your there,
Your paper, my skin,
Your pen has no ink,
Just my blood,
You write to me about your thoughts,

JUST STOP!

You endlessly torment me with every line you write to make a letter,
I don't need you anymore,
But you cling to me,
******* all the blood and life out of me before moving to your next victim,

The scars become deeper as your mind wanders,
Ensuring our bond is eternal,
My scars are the result of your love letters,
The leftovers of possibilities,

Your letters that scar my face will scare others,
The children ask,
I'll tell them that I was in a fight with my greatest enemy,
You my mind.

Guns scatter in my head,
They leave acknowledging that there is nothing left,
No ability to move on,
No reason to keep going,
They'll tell me that the guns will **** me,
I love the guns in my head,
They poison my mind with lead and destroy my thoughts,
But they keep on leaving,
Why do my saviours leave when I need them the most,
I'm going to bed,
The guns, pencils, razors, lighters, paper, glass, metal and knives have been locked away,
Out of reach of my infected mind,
I know how to get them,
I locked them up myself,
I beg for the guns to come back and fill my head with their bullets,
As I scream from the thought of unlocking the things,
Where are the guns,
No where,
No one can save me now,
I get out of my bed,
Unlock all my drawers and make a stage worthy event,
I prop a camera and start recording how I'm going to **** my infection inside my head.

Cold,
Hungry, Afraid of the other children stealing my lone possession,
My blanket,
My only protection from the bitter nights,

Another sleepless night,
Another oat in my empty stomach,
A man and woman walk in with a plate of food,
They search for a child to love,

I run with my weak legs towards them,
I face the children yelling,
“NO, NO” Scared of the children changing the adult’s minds,

I stop the other children from stealing my only hope, belief, future.
They laugh, thinking I’m cute,
The nuns take me out of the room away from the other children,

I sit with the adults in a white strange room,
All of my efforts of defense pay off as I am given the plate of food,
I have never tasted anything so warm, filling, replenishing,

They watch me shovel the food,
Thinking, pondering, whispering to one another,
They nod, smile at me
I never went back to that filthy room with the children,

I look into her eyes,
Now is the perfect time,
Underneath the stars blanketed by an oak tree,
Christmas lights covered in Japenese lantern shades hang from the branches,

They bring out the sparkle out in her eyes,
I look at her eating crackers,
I love her freckles and how they describe her personality,

I pull out my guitar and play a tune,
As I strum my song,
Our song,
I am certain I know what I am doing,

After I stare at her and her I,
I decide,
I put my guitar down gently on the grass,
I get out of my sitting position,
And go on one knee in front of her,

"Pardis Sarin, I realize that it's only been 3 months, but I have never in my entire life felt so certain of this choice  that I am about to make, and I love you so much and I want to be with you forever."
She begins to realize what I am doing,
She starts tearing up,
Her eyes sparkle even more intensely,
"Now that the cheesy corny parts over,
I have one single question to ask you."
.............
I pause the question,
I pull out the box,
"Will you Pardis Sarin,
be my apartment buddy?"
She is shocked,
I open the box and pull out a ring,
"Okay lets do this again...
Will you marry me Pardis Sarin?"
She starts crying uncontrollably,
"Did I do something wrong?"
I get concerned, I get up and hug her,
"Yes,"
I barely hear the word through the sobbing and the layer of clothes her face is stuffed into,
"To which one?"
"Both you idiot,"
We kiss under the oak tree as the stars twinkle.

I have told you of the delema I face with my mother and sister, in the perspective of my sister.
My mother is drawing near to the brink of suicidal thoughts,
All due to the conflictions with my sister, I continuesly blamed my mother, not knowing, not wanting to know my sisters role as the whipper to the whipped was.   But I am at a crossroads, I believe my sister, I believe my mother, but to fight for each other's approval is absurd.
The thing is that I am a person who strives to make things better, no matter the cost or the probability of success.
Right now the war at the peak,
My mother is praying to her god that she be hit by a semi.
While my sister revolts against society and destroys her future.
While I sit here uselessly in between the both of them pulling them away from the bridge of suicide.

I stand here alone,
Unable to speak,
My back turned pretending pride,
As my mother walks away,
My heart dies as I want to help her ,
But I keep walking,
My dam pride forcing me to step farther away,
I can't grasp control of my body,
What am I proud of,
Nothing,
I walking away achieves nothing,
So I turn around and let go of my pride,
"Mom,"
The tears that well in my eyes as she turns around,
"I'm so sorry mom, I..."
But she silences me as I am embraced by her body.