I go to work and I have had a good day so far, I’m on the bus,
Then it happens,
I think to myself,
        -Hopefully work will be the same, I have a lot of stuff to do. I hope I’m  going to make it on time.

I know I will because I knew I would get anxiety from not being on time,
        -I’m going to be late and my boss is going to hate me.

My breathing starts to become shallow,
My stomach starts to clench,
       -I wonder if my boss thinks I’m a failure in his eyes?

My stomach begins to hurt, Yet I continue to think deeper,
       -I hope that my boss won’t fire me as soon as he finds someone better.

I smoke cigarettes to get my mind to fuzz,
       -I wonder if he hates me?

The pain from my stomach becomes excruciating,
      -I think my coworkers think I’m slow.

I try to hide the pain to keep some pride,
      -Why are all the people on the bus sitting at the front, am I scaring them?

My breathing becomes very shallow and I forget to breath,
       -I need to get all of my assignments done soon.

I become angry at myself and I get off the bus,
      -This isn’t my stop, I’m going to late.

My hands are shaking as I am bent over in pain trying to light my cigarette,

One puff,
      -I’m going to be late

Two puffs,
      -I’m going to be late

Three puffs,
      -I’m going to be late

Four puffs,
      Relief

I am alone,
My friends are the letters in this poem,
I tell them my sorrows and they repeat every word I say,
Friends are hard to come by these days,
We are all stuck,
Not me,
Words are my friends,
Words from others are my enemy,
The silence of the words I repeat in my head slowly grows,
I am truly alone with my friends,
Even words leave me in the end of every poem,

I try to be better than I am,
I try to be who you want me to be,
I try to be kind,
I try to be loyal,
I try to be a friend,
Yet you saw through what I built and now you hate what you have seen,
I try to fix it,
I try to tell you that I can change,
I try so hard to hold on to you,
But you have seen me,
You have made your decision,
My disability has filled you with distain,
You see a monster and only the monster,
I try to bring up the past,
I try to erase your vision of me,
I try so hard to be with someone “normal”,
But you have made your decision,
You ignore my calls,
You avoid me,
You have my brother tell me why you don’t want to see me,
You never had the ***** to tell it to my face,
I try so hard to be friendly,
I try so hard to be kind,
I try so hard to be outgoing,
I try so hard to be better everyday,
I try so hard to be liked,
I try and in the long run I always and will always end up lonely and hurt,