As the days of celebrations approach,
I seem to do nothing but wrong,
I'll do the littlest of things wrong,
But I won't know that it is wrong,

So I'll ask my God's what it is that I have done to offend them,
They will not answer me,
The silence of my brothers and sisters is all I'll get,

But I'll try to move on,
To make these days of celebrations worth it,
With my mind so infected I won't know if this will be my last...

My thoughts begin to wander,
I begin to shake uncontrollably,
I'm terrified of my thoughts,
The images that I think about,

The music,
I turn it off,
It's stopped working,
The relief isn't there anymore,

Fear begins to set in,
As I grasp onto to the last hold of control,
I become the enemy as my body just wants to let go,
To float in a world of carelessness,

I sit down and just let my thoughts consume me,
My body shakes and I let it,
Μy mind shows the facts of death,
My death,

I'll think of the places where the blood will drip out if I were to hang upside down,
I'll imagine someone would see the pool of blood on the floor and I would be forgiven,

I'll imagine that I'm watching a baby no more then a few weeks old,
Being murdered in the hands of the doctor and priest baptizing the drowned child,
And I'll laugh in a courtroom,
As the jury and judge stare in disbelief and horror as the conviction is read in their eyes,

The judgement is of all society,
My mind begins to collapse under the stares and verdict,
Guilty,

I'll think about how they'll condemn me to death,
Will it be swift,
Or will I suffer to be forgiven,
I have gone to deep,
I've become interested and I begin to want to go farther in my thoughts,

As I fall through the trapdoor of thought ,
I attempt to to grab onto anything,
But the walls I fall with are bare,
This hole is endless,

But I've reached the end early.

I'll scream the words that chant in my head,
The volume mutes my thoughts,
But not the words I know by heart,
The hope for my future,

In the hands of the words that motivate me to live on,
In the hands of the volume that mute my thoughts,

Right now I'm not  thinking that my life is being balanced from life or death,
By a judge that is the music I listen to,
Right now I'm lost in the words that I scream,

Later I'll cry,
In the therapists office,
About what the balance of my life relies upon,
She'll write down another diagnosis,
Worthy for the psychiatric ward,

But not now...
Now in this moment,
The music will decide where the knife goes,

Today I went wedding dress shopping,
I know bad luck,
But I don't care,
It was really fun,

My bride tried on dresses,
The most expensive,
$100,000
I secretly tried one on,

I couldn't do up the back zipper,
It got stuck,
Then I ******* get out of the dress,

So my bride being as snart as she said she loved the dress,
And we walked out of the store with the dress still on me,
I eventually got out ,
And she's still going to wear it.

She showers me in gifts and stories,
My dad sits alone,
My dad told me that it's good to cry sometimes,
My mom tells me to stop feeling sorry for myself,

I'll cry,
Not for myself but for the war that has begun,
My mothers army includes the guns of exaggeration and gifts,

My dad brings forth solitude and destiny,
She'll fire her guns as my dad does nothing,
I sit in no mans land and ponder the future,
I silence the noises outside to concentrate on my... the thoughts in my head,

The propaganda that is set in front of my mother are tempting,
Along the signs lay threats of abandonment for treason,

But my father silently proclaims the relief of the words that my mother uses,
He preaches the schools and education,
My mother commercializes the  freedom of substantial proportions,

So as my mom fires her pamphlets of chocolate,
My dad telepathically opens university brochures in my head, in the middle of no mans land

I sit with my family,
Except for one,
We plan the future,
Even though it's 3 am

We all can't sleep,
We all won't sleep,
So we have coffees and chat,
Avoiding the obvious question,

Why,
We talk about everything but,
The knot in my throat grows as I see the family look defeated,

The future changes here,
But we're to distracted to talk,
I open my mouth,
Air escapes,

I say nothing and we sit around,
They begin to leave in silence,
Their actions prophesies to the future,
Alone here left to support the victim,
Alone in the future left to support them all,

As I lay in my bed,
My parents scream,
I lay in my bed and ignore the things they say,
Today my parents decide,

Tomorrow the aftershocks will be felt,
But today I lay in my bed and reminisce about the past and future,
Tomorrow tears will be shed,

Fits will come out,
Counciling will be in session,
Custodies will be settled,
But not today,

I'll sit in the car as we drive,
Avoiding any form of eye contact,
I wonder if I was responsible for this,
Maybe I was,

Tomorrow I will consider it farther,
But today the family needs to be consoled,
We have to stick together,
So today I will forget about my... the thoughts in my head and consider the family.

Today I hug my sister,
Forgetting the awkwardness,
She cries,
I letting go of my pride cry with her,

We go out and just talk more,
Unable to handle the situation by ourselves,
Tomorrow we will be closer,
But today her and I just cry together,