And so I wait,
...................
...................
...................­
...................
..................
This is what it feels like when you not around
The silence becomes incredibly loud.
I try and occupy my brain with humans who were there before you, but they will never match up to the stranger I have come to know.
It took me a little over 48 hours to get hooked on a human.
Not just any but
YOU.
You're in my thoughts,
In my ENDLESS conversations,
And you have personally found your way into my sacred space, my vulnerability, my poems.
You have infiltrated your existence into mine
And at this very moment I wouldn't want it any other way.
Sacrificing my sleep in order to exchange thoughts, ideas, authenticity, crazy stories and doing absolutely anything and everything to get to know you more is than an honour.
You're different!
Not the obvious, accent, skin colour, how we were raised different.
You're " I'm connected to your soul, I don't know how it got there so quickly, your existence overwhelms me with contentment and I'm grounded by your personality it's mind blowing" different.
Never stop being so sweet, it's contagious
And never stop talking to me unless you're slaving your life away doing what you're passionate about
Or sleeping.
At this point I have come to realize that I don't mind waiting, I'll do it over
And
Over
And
Over
AGAIN...
Only because I have to.

I limit my words because my actions don't catch up right on time.
I'm guilty of being late.
I admit.
And what hurts the most is that the receiver believes I'm incapable of matching the two.

I'm in a faithful relationship with someone who has made me their second option, but I'm not moving because this feeling is way too familiar..

I've caused pain that I myself would never be able to comprehend.
Guilt has engulfed me to a point where my every decision is somehow confirmed by it.
Or better yet I'm pushed forward or motivated by it.
I hurt because I hurt so badly
I loved sincerely even though it wasn't meant to happen.
I don't regret what I felt, I regret not showing it.
Even if I were given the chance to I still wouldn't.
I'd lose so much and I'd be stripped of my "grounded principals"
Oh Lord I apologize for entertaining the devil and spitting on your face.

I can't wait to have you watch me make myself beautiful for you.

Just to feel your body behind mine when I'm trying to fix my hair, or apply face cream.
To have you clip my bra or zip up my skirt just for you to unzit it again coz you couldn't bare the thought of me getting dressed so quickly without you indulging in what's yours.
See I want the little things that prepare me for the big things.

A part of me understood your silence when caught in the deep admiration of what you saw when you looked at me.
No it's not that I understood my own beauty, I took the time to understand yours whenever you couldn't blink in my presence
See you made staring at someone a sensual thing, it could never be rude when it was your eyes that couldn't look away.
You fixed your eyes on what you would say was "a breathtaking image of God's best creations" my reply at all time would be "aren't you one silly hopeless romantic"
Indeed your soul searched for belonging in the presence of the art you desired  desperately beyond comprehension.

I knew I aspired an artist within you to come alive whenever I undressed.
You were always caught up in the moment, I mean you grabbed my waist like the scars you saw were an invitation for you to come close,
You let your fingers trace each one as though you were slowly trying to make sure I love myself the way you love me.
You grabbed my **** with all its flaws like a scene from a **** movie, you wanted me and with one look I knew this was forever.
It was forever...

I wanna get to know you.
The real you,
The you that doubts herself every time she looks into the mirror and just sees scars.
Open up that fragile side of you, I'm yearning to understand it's ins and outs.
I wanna know the parts you don't show those idiots and fools.
The ones who don't listen to your spirit move.
They claim to love you but do they know in which direction your soul will inevitably move at the sound of your favourite tune?
I too may be classified as a one of em fools, but truth truthfully speaking I'm in tune with the tune that's sets your soul on fire.
I've spent split seconds of each day trying to work out how much of myself to sacrifice to you in order to see or hear you smile.
See I can hear it when you smile, you try to hide it so well but there's a sound you let out and oh God,my God even though I have not yet found it's definition but I'm quite certain my existence is somehow intensely complete when I hear it.
Can we get our melodies in tune?, forgive me Im guilty for liking your groove.
Dare I say your heart beat takes me to the moon, yours is the only rhythm I hear in any room.  
Every time you smile I hear angels sing, you have no idea the joy your voice brings.
Your silence isn't my peace, give me your melody so our hearts can sync.
Keep me content by interlocking our souls,
I exist for you, whether you know it or not, I'm whole and at peace at the thought of you.
Don't end the rhythm please speak, make a sound or just sigh.
You make my heart feel like it's stuck in the sky
Let me in, make me whole
Let me write a song for your soul.
I want us to embody the perfect verse, I want your body please forgive my thirst.

Your vulnerability is so transparent i'm left with no option but to comprehend the authenticity that lies amongst these fragile words.
I'm tripping over anger, flaws and pain, in between your words I swear to God healing has not yet come. "There's a difference between running and trying to put something behind you".
It will hurt until it doesn't, it has torn you apart, but slowly you will realize the wound has scarred over. Wait for that moment, it will come.
I have never felt so broken at the sight of your words.
A human capable of calming each diabolical thought within you has seen life inside you and decided to crush you emotionally.
I won't go back and 4th about how she weighed her happiness over yours within split seconds,
love doesn't exist in doubt.
You jump in not knowing if you might be caught or left to be comforted by the cold floor.
I understood the cracks and the pauses in each sentence typed.
Emotional vulnerability deserves sacred warmth from the one you least expect to hurt you.
it will take time.
Public humiliation can't be forgiven and forgotten but the heart you've introduced me to has the strength to forgive.
No one is asking you to let go, there's no set time to do that.
The only thing that your surrounding wants you to do is not die in the process of wanting to forget.
Hatred has the ability of **** all traces of peace that exists from within.
The wounds are real!!
make sure you don't put a bandage over wounds that need nurture and time to heal because you'll see pain seeping through as a constant reminder that you quickened the healing process.
Yes words can make the pain go away,
but the moments shared will come rushing in different directions wanting to be remembered all at once.
Every song, picture, letter or scent that triggers her existence will unfairly want to overwhelm you.
Life is unfair, but don't bury yourself under all that pain...

I talk but you'll never hear me freely conversing about my reality..and that's just me...
Call me secretive, it's okay.
The right people have heard my reality and have found ways to fill my empty soul...
I won't stop anyone from sharing sacred pieces of their life with me, but I've stopped myself multiple times... The wound on my back is still fresh and deep, I'm busy wiping my blood off a knife I thought would protect me..
Drenched in pain, I'm still a walking diary and I'm taking all your secrets to my grave..
Only because I'm loyal to pain.

In your spare time you stole my heart
I say this because obviously you were never ready.
To love me that is.
You slowly lured me in between your business meetings, chill session with friends, important family gatherings, weekend aways with high school mates,  there I found my five minutes of fame.
Literally five minutes!
I was the "Hey, hope you good. I've got to go I love you though" type of girl.
Deep down I knew you never had time for me, failed to even pretend like you did.
I tried to sugarcoat the lies and tell myself during your busiest moments there I lied, but truth is I was your " check if she's okay and get on with your day " kinda girl.
AND THATS THE GUY I WAS LOYAL TO!
The one who gave me five minutes with the 24 hours he had.
At least I got 35 minutes in 7 days, that should count for something.
I was naive, I was in love but I was never loved.
You uttered the words but never meant them, you knew by saying them I would stay in my place.
I knew I belonged behind close doors.
My existence came alive when I shadowed her reflection.
She owned the stage, I was pretty much familiar with the backdrops.
And that was okay, because in your lies lied the truth
I never knew my worth and that's why I allowed this to happen.
Your spare time girlfriend?
My five minutes boyfriend, I'm done!

Watch them forget you,
While you thought about them
Each
         And
                 EVERY
step of the Way.

You left me when I begged you to stay..
My tears did not move you,
Instead it was as though they encouraged you to walk out the door.
I broke into a million pieces which multiplied into a million more.
I was shattered but claws deep into your love i held onto what could be.
Months confirmed that your presence would be a miracle taking place.
In my busy schedule I missed a called, when I rang the phone I was disappointed to hear your voice asking to come back..
stay where you are!

Who gave you permission to kiss me?
I froze and didn't react
That was not confirmation that I wanted you to continue,
Let alone even begin.
What on earth were thinking when you leaned forward.
Turning my face to the side was not me being shy, that was me rejecting you!
But I guess you couldn't take no for an answer and you settled with leaning in instead.
How dare you take advantage of my lips?
I had no reflex action to your lustful behaviour.
I froze in complete disbelief and even with no slight movement from my lips you continued on like you were reenacting a scene from love and basketball.
You need help.

I don't owe you my life!
Your existence is now relevant in my past.

My lustful sins haunt me,
I'm uncertain of whether I should feel guilty
Or enjoy the pleasurable memories that decide to overwhelm me at the thought of you.

He called it off..
He spoke about pressure and selfless acts.
He emphasized on the fact that it wasn't my fault,
He wanted to find himself he said.
Without me having to wait for him.
I'm walking away and he is watching me do this.
I'm disheartened by this sight.
I thought it was me and him against the world.
Now it's me and against me!

I watched you settle down.
I was an intruder in a life that you said was fixed for just for me.
This place, no longer was a place I could settle my heart and rest.
Whilst preparing your life for me, you went on about it the wrong way.
I don't recognize you anymore, therefore making it hard for me to link your life to mine.
There are too many G A P S!.
The castle is too big.
I can't claim my "rightful" seat as Queen when I'm unaware of who fed the servants,
who encouraged you and gave you strength to lead the war,
who mended all the broken cracks in this Castle for it to look like this.
You could not have built this castle with no setbacks.
I don't doubt your skills and your seat as King.
But go back to the one who was there from the beginning, not the faded image of me as your Queen.
I can not submit to a King, who has built all this greatness for me but I wasn't there to watch him work hard and in the same breath struggle.
You could not have done this alone, a feminine touch is evident.
Don't disregard her altogether because you seek my presence.
Acknowledge her and set me free.
I once was the queen of your heart but now I have no place here.
Order the guards to open the gates and watch them grab and kick me out, against my will, like the intruder I am.
I'm a stranger now.

I don't know if you love me anymoreI'm trying to find pieces of you in every human that thinks they love me and I want to see feel and experience you.
Only you!
It's unfair on my personal growth, let me go..
Can you remain in the past where I no longer have to make reference to your existence in my life.
Ever
You hurting me, by doing nothing at all but claiming to love me and me alone.
Do you know you've kept me sacred but damaged me in more ways than one.
You've loved me past my own understanding but have failed to be there when even your mere silence and actual presence would be appreciated.
God I love you more than anything in this world,
I miss you but I don't think I ever want to see you again.
Flourish, you deserve success to the core.
You've silently motivated me and for that I'm truly grateful,let me attempt to move one step up the ladder and prove a point to myself..
I can make it, even without you lurking at the back of my mind cheering me on.

Slowly walk me through why you're not mine,
I mean you look at me as though I've owned your heart for years.
Your actions, geez where do I even start?
Maybe the way you talk to me, you stare at me like my eyes are the ****** milky way.
You kiss me like "I was air and you were drowning"
You need me in the most desperate subtle **** breathtaking way it's awe inspiring I tell you.
Your touch! Good God your touch ignites fire , it awakens dormant senses, I mean it's a sincerely playful unconditional ***** lustful genuine sheet gripping lower lip biting kind of touch.
And still after all this I crown the title "friend"
Give me a chance to accept the love you involuntarily offer without your verbal confirmation.
No, I'm not jumping into conclusions  I'm simply opening your eyes to what could be.
You could be mine, and I yours..
Well and then there's that whole issue of how you describe my existence to your surroundings. "She's out of this world, I can't even believe she is content with our friendship"
You **** fool, I'm not out here giving you the perfect version of me only for you to park me in the friendzone.
I'm not the type that constantly aspires to step up the ladder when it comes to such levels, I know my place and will stay there or walk out for good.
Don't hide behind friendship if it's my clothes you want to rip off in order to have a seat saved in my heart.
Argh I know it's not just my flesh that flips the switch with you, you seek depth and you drown with me.
Don't miss out on me coz you were afraid to face what you felt..
Feel and I'll give you free access to eternal contentment.
I was never your friend, you assumed you were mine. You not!
I won't tell you again and believe me I won't bother asking anymore but go to sleep knowing that I was never your friend, I loved you from the beginning and am wholeheartedly willing to become the stranger I was once.

His exact words were
" I'm doing it without you".
He gave me no option to choose him once more.
The awkward silence made me aware of my loss.
I lost this battle
I lost his love
I lost myself!

I don't even know you yet,
but I love u more than life itself..
Your existence already has the power to define me.
Through you I am complete, I have found meaning and most importantly you have
made any tangible achievement loose its value.
I'm taken by the mere thought of you,
you are one experience I never want to forget,
from the pleasure to the pain.
There is no way in hell I shall ever make you carry the burden of knowing that you were a mistake,
if by any chance your ears are bruised with such cutting words and you find yourself starting to believe them, let my love for you combined with your fathers love be proof that you were planned. Your existence could have only come about through the little things such as the crazy giggles your father and I exchanged,
the one kiss he reassured me with at all times that I'm his,
the heartfelt sometimes senseless conversations followed by unique oneness of the soul and you were made.
You my love,I've longed to announce your presence within me,to feel your first kick,to see my body change into something I too might not like at the end of the day but if that's the sacrifice I should take for you,I would do it in a blink of an eye.
You are my religious decision, I needed to be your fathers wife in order to get you.
You are our right track to securing our financial stability,your father and I don't want to deny you of anything you need because of financial strain, the thought of you motivates us to be financially secured.
We can not predict the future, so we can never be too sure of the financial burden we might face,
so love of my life know that your father and I are trying really hard to hand you most things in life on a silver platter.
I know that when you are born your father and I will question everything but also be grateful for each thing, this will only be caused by the beauty we see in you created by us and blessed by HIM.
I can't predict how my nine months will be but I'm truly blessed that its your father who will take care of me,
he too will see a side of me he has never seen before but he will love me through the pain,
the tears,
the hormonal outbreak,
the confusing mixture of cravings,
the long hours of labour and the joy I shall share with him because at the end of the day its not my pregnancy but our pregnancy..
My angel mommy and daddy love you..

I love you.
It isn't physical this thing. It's soul rich. I find the slightest pleasure in the smallest things you do. You caress my soul softly with yours. I am touching your skin but that is, JUST your skin. I see and look at your elements sparingly. I want to challenge all these flaws and conquer them. I don't crave anything else but you. I don't want to stare at anything else all day. Your smile allows My body to function as it should. Except my heart, it does things I don't understand. My ribs become elastic because my essence wants to reach out and grab you. I love you in a way that words aren't designed to explain. It's a feeling? Oh yes. It feels comfortable. I close my eyes often to remember this cause it's a feeling my body isn't used to. Every inch of you dares my lips, darling I have to kiss it. It's not  my thirst but my desired hydration.

Tell God I'm in. He planned this didn't he? My answer is yes. I'm grateful. He has treated me and essentially I cannot thank him enough. Marrying you would be satisfying, I can then devour you, see through and recreate my deepest symphonies that play in head when I watch you sleep. I'm in,  and with gratitude I take your body to kiss gently and calm my horrific sea.

To say you complete me would be a lie. You were already within me. I just found you.

I broke everyone's favourite glass today.
Picking up the pieces I realized I was still suicidal.
I started salivating at the thought of my own blood.
I was so sure the old me had died, turns out she's very much alive.
With each piece I pick up I think of what could've been and what still is.
First piece, what if I slit my throat or wrist.
Second piece , I can't inflict so much pain on them.
Third piece, but none of them could ever comprehend my pain even if they tried.
And then all the little pieces that cant be picked up but swept away is my confusion, unanswered questions and ongoing pain about life and death all in one.

You're letting go while I'm holding on.
I'm not confused, I know exactly what I want.
I don't show it one bit and that scatters your emotions.
But you're it for me.
I'm sorry I walked away while you poured out your soul with your actions but never uttered a word.
I apologize I left you hanging, when you were so sure you had won my heart.
I was just protecting my heart from what could've been another unforseen disaster.
Sad part is, this time around I created one, trying so hard to run from it.
You own my heart,
Your absence confirmed it.
I didn't slowly learn how to love you
I fell so hard for you from the word go I was slowly trying to love you using your pace.
I didn't want to bombard you with my uncontrollable emotions.
I'm a mess, through and through.
I just didn't know I had met my match.
But you're gone
So let me try and forgive myself and forget you.

Your unforgiving scent always has a way of punishing me!
In your arms lies forgiveness,
Your shirt is willing to give me a second chance.
The warmth of your neck and punishing cologne that never seems to fade, there too lies forgiveness.
Forgive me!
Hold me!
I can't bare this punishment any longer.
I want to be in your arms.
Your scent doesn't want to fade away,
Worse part is that it triggers memories I thought were long forgotten.
It awakens senses I was so sure had died.
Just hold me
Now!

I now know what I'm fighting for, there's now a reason for this war!

And if death feels
anything like this,
life give up on me.
The pain is too unbearable
and
s
                         l
o
                        w
l
                        y
unforgiving!

I'm afraid of my stretch marks and I don't even understand their existence.
Worse part is that these lines, these stupid red, purple ,black or whatever colour they decide to settle into after countless application of lies sold to me over the counter are results of body change.
If I knew I'd grow into stretch marks I would've thought twice about this whole developing thing..or probably would've gone on some diet at a tender age
I've trained my mind to remember each time I undress (which is a lot)  how to unlove these lines of growth.
I mean I'm conflicted at times, I see beauty in what has been proclaimed as ugly and then I find myself in some mental corner trying to rock my imbalanced emotions back and 4th .
What scares me the most is this endless expectation people have of my body. " **** you have a beautiful body" news flash it's not! It's filled with those colourful confused as to which colour really lines , " I'd love to see you in a bikini", geeez I'd love to see me in a bikini.
"You're beautiful, stop with this low self esteem thing, it's unattractive" I'm basing things on facts, be gone with your fairy tale kinda love its cute 100  stadiums away..or 1000 I don't know.
See I want **** in my own version, the kind that makes me want me!  
And these lines are disturbing me from the bigger picture.
"Girlfriend don't stress, I've got them too it's a natural thing when you gain unnecessary weight or whatever" now am I supposed to be content or happy coz my entire squad has got these colourful lines.
I'm sure if we All stood naked in front of a large mirror with our bums facing the mirror it would look like a rainbow drawn and coloured in by a five year old , confused as to which crayon would look good and then settling for the most depressing shades
I want them gone!

How is it possible that I'm still experiencing a mental and emotional tug of war between us?

Love that man like he is the only reason why you're alive.
Hold him like he has just received heartbreaking news and you're the closest to home for him.
Kiss him like your life depended on it.
Nurture him back to life with one look.
He needs you and you need him.
Without each other life doesn't make sense.