I'm in a faithful relationship with someone who has made me their second option, but I'm not moving because this feeling is way too familiar..

I talk but you'll never hear me freely conversing about my reality..and that's just me...
Call me secretive, it's okay.
The right people have heard my reality and have found ways to fill my empty soul...
I won't stop anyone from sharing sacred pieces of their life with me, but I've stopped myself multiple times... The wound on my back is still fresh and deep, I'm busy wiping my blood off a knife I thought would protect me..
Drenched in pain, I'm still a walking diary and I'm taking all your secrets to my grave..
Only because I'm loyal to pain.

You left me when I begged you to stay..
My tears did not move you,
Instead it was as though they encouraged you to walk out the door.
I broke into a million pieces which multiplied into a million more.
I was shattered but claws deep into your love i held onto what could be.
Months confirmed that your presence would be a miracle taking place.
In my busy schedule I missed a called, when I rang the phone I was disappointed to hear your voice asking to come back..
stay where you are!

In your spare time you stole my heart
I say this because obviously you were never ready.
To love me that is.
You slowly lured me in between your business meetings, chill session with friends, important family gatherings, weekend aways with high school mates,  there I found my five minutes of fame.
Literally five minutes!
I was the "Hey, hope you good. I've got to go I love you though" type of girl.
Deep down I knew you never had time for me, failed to even pretend like you did.
I tried to sugarcoat the lies and tell myself during your busiest moments there I lied, but truth is I was your " check if she's okay and get on with your day " kinda girl.
AND THATS THE GUY I WAS LOYAL TO!
The one who gave me five minutes with the 24 hours he had.
At least I got 35 minutes in 7 days, that should count for something.
I was naive, I was in love but I was never loved.
You uttered the words but never meant them, you knew by saying them I would stay in my place.
I knew I belonged behind close doors.
My existence came alive when I shadowed her reflection.
She owned the stage, I was pretty much familiar with the backdrops.
And that was okay, because in your lies lied the truth
I never knew my worth and that's why I allowed this to happen.
Your spare time girlfriend?
My five minutes boyfriend, I'm done!

Who gave you permission to kiss me?
I froze and didn't react
That was not confirmation that I wanted you to continue,
Let alone even begin.
What on earth were thinking when you leaned forward.
Turning my face to the side was not me being shy, that was me rejecting you!
But I guess you couldn't take no for an answer and you settled with leaning in instead.
How dare you take advantage of my lips?
I had no reflex action to your lustful behaviour.
I froze in complete disbelief and even with no slight movement from my lips you continued on like you were reenacting a scene from love and basketball.
You need help.

I don't owe you my life!
Your existence is now relevant in my past.