Although this paper absorbs my pain, it doesn’t control my actions.
Hell, I don't think I even control them…
But I think I know what does,
My emotions.

Hence why I get traumatized by my own actions, the actions are reactions.
It’s almost like I’m in a coma, but I am active and I can see what I’m doing.
I just keep on seeing myself doing reckless stuff and wasting my breath on people who don’t even like me.

It’s just… I love how when I do something good; something out of kindness or love, nobody notices me, but if I do something bad or stupid, everyone looks my way.
I need something that will help me gain control.
My goal is to spread my pain like butter, if you are reading this, just know, the voices are getting frequent and louder…
Help me make them useful

Lei, a poem to you,
Because you didn’t think this through.
Yes, you were my first kiss,
But what did I miss?
Maybe you should feel how it felt to gulp down 72 pills,
Because your head was way over the hills.
And only one answer to ONE question will take my flashbacks away, or just might…
Was it spite or flight?
Because you made it feel like we were having a good time,
Hell I was even thinking about making you my prime.
But those lies to my friend didn’t tell themselves… you told them,
And I hope it wasn’t to condemn.
Like, to lose both a friend and the most important person in my life at the same time?
That’s not something I can happily chime.
Even when I reassured you if you were comfortable,
If you weren’t, you didn’t have to lie to my face and make ME seem questionable,
And then again lie about something I didn’t do,
And make me look like a bad person too.
Put it this way, you had MY OWN FRIEND cussing and yelling at me,
Can’t you see?
Who knows? Maybe you did this out of spite,
OR you did this at the risk of my own life just to take flight.
That alone, I have YOUR texts as consent,
And even ones I can’t present.
God dang AND you are the one who came up with the idea to do it,
But I feel for your trap anyway I can admit.
But to be the very first kiss and the very one I trusted,
I can’t help, but wonder why I was dusted.
It must’ve been really hard to find out that I overdosed on 72 pills that very night,
It was just too bad of an episode to fight.
I can still remember the songs I was skipping,
I can still remember trying,
I can still remember trying to cope,
But all in all, you made me lose hope.
I can still remember fighting to keep the door closed,
I still have the video of me when I overdosed,
I can still remember the horrible crying behind the closed door,
I can still remember curled up on the floor,
I can still hear the same **** voices in my head,
I can still remember waking up in the hospital bed,
But if it wasn’t for my friend, you might as well consider. Me. Dead.

Sometimes I have no choice, but to race the rain,
Nothing better to do than run away from my pain...
Some people think I'm insane,
But they haven't been in my lane,
They haven't seen my heart's chain,
And they only want me for their gain,
And nobody wants me as their main.
Even as I get further away,
The rain catches up and darkens my day,
And I can't seem to get out of my way,
And then there I lay,
I can't try again, and if I did anyway,
The rain still hits me until I'm not okay.
BUT, sometimes I just choose to dance in it,
And it is hard I can admit,
Even if the rain is legit,
I can't just sit,
So I just dance, and sometimes... it's pretty lit.
On top of that, I just try to find my happiness,
Even when people couldn't care any less,
I try to run for success,
Even when I can't express.
I try to have fun,
Even when I can no longer run,
I still try to look back at what I have done.
But it will always chase me every place,
And I will still see the hate in every face.

Emily, a poem to you,
Because I don’t know what else to do.
Yes, you were a 24 year old stranger,
But you couldn’t take no for an answer.
Now all I can hear is the traumatized breathing I was taking for the Uber back home
Giving me a breaking fear of continuing to roam.
Now I'm going to run it back,
there was sense I seemed to lack
When who was sitting there was going to be a life lesson,
Who also thought I was messin'
When I said no to her question,
Meaning there was no exception.
It all started with just a simple greeting
'till I look over to see a woman sitting,
She was on her break vaping,
Then we started talking.
Eventually she asked for my Instagram,
But for some reason, I did't give a ****.
Later that night,
When sleep was easier to fight,
I get a text,
And I regret what I did next.
One text did it all,
Little did I know this would be my fall.
So I said why not,
Not knowing this was going to be a lot.
I saw nothing, but an innocent request to come over,
So I made the mistake and trusted her.
I remember all too well,
I remember the 9 minute Uber ride there,
Hell even when I arrived, I still remember the smell,
There were vapes and cigarettes everywhere.
As time started to do its own thing,
She started flirting.
But as soon as I turned her away,
She went into play,
And touched me in a ****** way,
I told her to stop, but she did it anyway.
Then the words slipped out of my mouth... "can I go home now?"
And I don't know how...
But it gave her the idea to say "if we do it, I'll Uber you back"
Then for the first time, I felt like I was going to have a heart attack.
And time never went by so slow,
And I was never going to know,
How truly scared I would be,
Never knew how tore up it would leave me.
And every time I bring up this story,
It won't bring glory,
But it's better being safe than sorry.

The very knife,
That cut scars in my life,
Every cut represents every trauma,
The deeper the cut, the deeper the drama.
Forged from memories and flashbacks.
Then when I least expect it… it thrusts and attacks,
Leaving me on the ground bleeding out,
leaving me to shout,
And hoping it doesn’t haunt me for the rest of my days,
But nobody cares anyways.

(Quote:"Depression sometimes is like being in a dark room with no light, but the only way to make it brighter is to find light in things" - The Artyom)

I'm in a dark room with no light,
Darkness hugs my body in all directions.
My life, shot down from flight,
Nowhere to be seen, lies corrections.
Thinking that my body language would say it all,
But nobody pays attention to my fall,
And nobody listens to my call.
But out of the blue, someone walks into the room,
I tell them the problem; that it is dark, and they see that it is dark too.
They see that I am falling to my doom,
So they try to find the light and do.
They turn it on,
Then I say it's still dark,
So they describe the light they look upon,
But all I see is the mark.
Darkness is my only friend,
Is this how my life will end?
Spent in sorrows,
No tomorrows.
No stars to see,
no sky, no moon.
No place to be except this gloom.
Time flies by on broken wings.
I must think of other things.
Like gratitude and great success.
I know in my heart, I make my own happiness.

If you love me,
No matter how hard it could be,
Why can’t I see?
You can yell it in my face,
You can follow me every place,
You can give me some space,
But why can’t I get to the base?
If I had a dime
For every time
That you have been bare,
I’d be a millionaire.
BUT… Your actions says it all,
Bundling my questions in a ball,
And I can’t recall
The last time we’ve gone through that very hall.
I just want to say,
That loving me is like going down a road a road with a dashed line,
You get further everyday,
But you can turn around at any time, and you’ll still be fine.
If you love me
You would go down the road no matter how rough it gets,
No matter hard it could be,
You would still get to enjoy the sunsets.