I have felt
disappointment
in the voice of someone
you love
as they dig up the truth
with their eyes

I have felt
anger in the eyes
of guidance
as they knew
you had been driven
the wrong way

I have felt
concern in the voice
of a bystander
as they watch you
wreck into the barrier
between right
and the opposite
direction

I know love
in the heart of a leader
as they stand you on two feet
kiss you on the forehead
and whisper
'I promise I wont tell.'
and beg
'Be safe.'

I forgot my name.

Those syllables chosen for me at birth
by people i had never seen before,
strangers I had never met.

I forgot the sound the letters make
when slurred together on someone's tongue,
squished against the backs of their teeth

What was the noun they used to scream
when they needed a scapegoat?
What was the noise they used to cry
when they needed a hiding place?

What was that odd combination of letters
they always took for granted?

I don't remember.

That isn't me anymore.

You're my secret.
My secret keeper,
my safe, my lock-box.
my trunk in the attic.

my shipwreck on the sea floor.
my sails in the wind.
my shade tree in the spring.
my warm fire, my cleansing river.

You are love incarnate.

They want me for the things I said,
all the ***** pictures in their head.

They want me for my sweet kiss goodnight
And beg I stay til morning light

For the smoke I breathe
And the way I leave
And their tongue between my teeth.

Lure me. With the words on your lips,
and your hands on my hips.
And the sultry way you talk,

You **** me with the lust in your glare
the clothes you wear.
The way you watch me walk.

But why not for the things I say,
the prayers I pray,
my eyes when they turn grey.

Want me for my words I write
when I can't sleep at night.

Want me for my dreams, my fears,
my smile after several beers,
the taste of my falling tears.

Love me for the love I share,
my heart, my hair.

Love me for my love, my life,
The way I make you feel.

I need it to be real.

Crooked smiles.
Sinister eyes.
The mirror gazed back
at me.

My lips, my chin,
My hollow cheeks,
Not me at all.

Was this the outside looking in?
My soul beneath the frigid glass?

Putrid air escaped it's lungs
the lingering scent
of a rotted mind.

Choking on the stench
of corrupted thought.

Pounding the glass
with bruised fists and
split knuckles.

And I was on the inside
looking out
while the sickness inside me
walked free.

I want
But that is greedy

I need
But that is vain

I love
But that is filthy

So I settle

And I am met by an old friend
Disappointment

and his cousin

Mediocrity

And I am unhappy
And they call me names

Like Humble
and Kind
and
a good ******* Samaritan

Because Black is the new blue.
and happiness is the new sin.
and life is the new death.

And you can't let your self live
because life is full of sin.

"And there is no escape but detachment,"

I am suddenly aware
of how the blood weighs me down
pooling around the black box
that lays frozen in the darkness
of my chest

My body caves in.
Melting into my own skin
into the slowmotion observed by
restless eyes
tired eyes

and I laugh
hollow
Pretending
I really feel
the laughter in my throat

Am I living?
I am just an illusion, I pray.

Reality answers
and I know
I am still whole
Not a pit beneath the eyes of the rest,
Not a spec of gray in the void,
Not a twisting memory fading
into the ether.

I am still flesh and streaming blood.
Still a moving, flexing creature.
Slowed down by ravenous
thoughts
about pain.

And when the hands that reached for me
with filthy intentions
retreat
I yearn for the filth,
I yearn for the feeling
of want.

I yearn for any feeling.
Any at all.

I let the glow of the headlights
and the glow in your eyes
guide us home.

Faint chords of an old rock song
drifting out the radio,
your breath
fogging the window

You, me,
a billion points of light
hanging above our tired heads.
And then you whispered quietly to me:

"These are the moments I remember."
The cream of your voice
Dragged me back from the clouds
and I turned to you.

"these are the moments I live for."
The slight furl of your lips
and the reflection of the moon in your eyes
hurled me back into my daydreams.

And then we were silent.
And the world felt right.

I'm going to set myself ablaze.



                                                      ­   Flare up with destruction, creation.
                                                 A whirlwind of carefully placed imagination.
                                  An inferno of memememe
                  I'm again ravaging the hillsides in a furious, hot mess.
                                     Scorching your eyes and heart with my scarred hands of charcoal
                                                            and flame.
                                                           I do it all.
                                                              I write with magma ink
                                                   and paint with gasoline.
                                            Then I burn it up.
                   My soul chasing the fruits of the Earth with a fiery vengeance
                                                     an­d a blackened desire for passion.
                                 I have set myself ablaze, follow me with your
                                                       kindling souls and oxygen.
                                                         ­                              Fuel me.
                                                             ­                                 Feed me.



                                                 Set your life on fire.

                                        Seek those who fan your flames.

Just like you,
I get lonely too.

I'm getting drunk on lemonade and TV reruns
Watching my cell phone for texts
from people I pretend to like

Staring at the moon
praying one day it might shatter
a thousand shards of stolen light
cutting into my palms.

This has become my life
I sit at home and loathe my day-to-day
but once in a while
I get that little pinch

the twist in my gut that shoves me onward
on towards new ideas
towards new love.

Thats why I am here
Im waiting
Waiting for mystery
a grand adventure

Im waiting for death